Why live a lie

[aving21]

I was 16 when this started. I had come hoem early from school because my football coach was giving me crap about how i dont fully us emy potential. But i didnt care and teh phone rings. ITs my dad who i havent seen or talked to since i was 4 asking for my mom. He didnt knwo it was me..How could he know. I say shes not here. He says can you tell her lamont called and hangs up....My dad he calls and doesnt even care about me. Thats when it started and went downhill from there. More into the football season the less i cared and just stopped goign to practice. I played significant ammount of time for being a 2nd year. I would look over at my gf and smile. Cheerleader Football player duo. We broke hearts. Every where we went people said how we looked so good together and we were meant to be. We are. But i cant be happy. I persuit my hockey career always thinkning since i was 6 id be in the NHl and i was damn good. I was goign to attent UM camp after junior year to get a spot on the team after i grad. I blow out my knee Cant play sports for 2 years. I lose my newly aquired scholarship and fail in grades My dream was shattered.I push her away tell her im hopeless tell her to find some one who can love himself. But she sticks by my side . Go into junior year i have 4 suicide attempts. I take pills once and she calls my mom and they take my tyo the hospital and pump my stomache in the nick of time. I am enraged because she stayed on the phoen with me pretending she didnt call my mom. I hated her for that. But she saved my life. Im taken to a mental hospital with kids who just scare the * * * * out of me. One tried to hang herself with a shower curtain one throws up on the nurses. I lie my way out of there in 2 days. My gf my mom and step dad visit me. He starts to notice my mom cares more about me then him and their marriage goes downhill from there. My mom starts smoking.. But they visit i see my gf my love! and just cry in her arms.. My protector. I get out and shes my life. she is teh reason im alive if she hadnt called i wouldnt be typing this..But i move on i treat her descent. A voice in my head says im gonna kill her by taking her home senior year.. So i refuse to give her rides home. She gets hit by a bus..i rush to the hospital she s ok just banged up.. Life goes on but every day i wake up asking why im here. And why i have so many people who love me and i just cant be happy.. So i cut my wrist..Doesnt cut deep enough back to the hospital but htis time i just come back home. I pull away from my gf cant make her go through this and after 4 months or so i feel just fine... We graduate we are so happy Grad night is so much fun we fall asleep and almost miss the ride home.. She stays at my house for the first time.. My mom is mad i didnt tell her but gets over it..Summer goes by perfectly...until i just dont want to see her..I want a break i tell her she crys but says ok.. I go out with another girl but dont like her..But still see my gf shes been partying goign out with friends but no guys and just doing everything..I never forget this...We make love one night and i ask for her back she says ok...I bring up her party attitude every 3 days she gets sick of it. But we do fine College starts i give her rides every day but she doesnt do * * * * for me that goes out of her way. I have a job she doesnt. I fall back into my pit her birthday comes i please her with everything but im 100% not happy now and she notices. I put up with every one i wake up every day wanting to be dead but just push on thinkning this is teh last day i feel like this. We go on descent but im so distant she pulls away..We have a couple bad months and now she thinks we arent working..I slit my wrist. She says shell be there for me because i need her i tell ehr shell come back because i know she will..I cut and cut and cut and want to die. But find mrs tricky has already warned my mom and all the bottles are empty. So i just cry over losing my love. And now im here i realize what my depression has done to every one. Failed my moms marriage Failed my own relationship and Failed my future drove my mom to smoking so now im finnaly done. I cant live a lie im dead. I knwo my gf will miss me and come back but ill be dead by then. I dont knwo hwo but this time i wont fail. But id just like to say thanks to all you who have pulled me through my issues with my gf and really gave me a source of community. The fact im typign this is a sign i still want life. I guess im just looking for a reason too. I plan on doing it tonight but i want to tell every one how much i love and appreciate them. But i cant wake up sad any more. It hasnt gone awy after 2 years 2 manic deprssion diagnostics and too many meds to remember. I am done fighting this. I always thougth it would get better but it just hasnt. Goodbye

[becallamjr]

It never gets better my friend. It only gets worse year after year. But, you have to take it one day at a time. Some days are tolerable, but most just suck.

 

I understand how you are feeling because I feel the same way too. Don't kill yourself. You got to fight it, the fact that you know people love you! I know you blame yourself for everything negative that has happened in you life thus far, but it's not your fault. Remember that.

 

Ive been fighting it for three more years than you, believe me I have done worse things to myself than you can imagine. I don't regret any of them. I don't regret it because for a short time it stopped my sadness.

 

I'm on meds now with a combo of therapy, it is the only way to fight this. I know you said you have been through countless meds, but you just haven't found the right ones yet. There are hundreds of different types. I truly hope you don't kill yourself, but if your going to at least talk to me first.

[aving21]

Im tired of fighting it. I just one day i could wake up and be ok. And you cant tell any one how you feel because people are so damn ignorant. I have tried 4 times 2 serious 1 was just a cry for help 1 got caught but this one will work. I just dont want pain. because pain is what im trying to end.

[becallamjr]

By ending your pain, you will do nothing but cause a huge amount of pain to everyone that loves you. The "darkness" as I like to call it, do you want any of your loved ones to have to experience it? I wouldn't wish the "darkness" on my worst enemy. It is absolutely frustrating. It doesn't get better, the pain never goes away. I fight to live becasue it's those few moments of happiness that I do get every now and again and also the memories of when I used to be happy, I strive to get back to that state of mind. It's a hard battle, you may never win, but like you said "I just wanna wake up one day and the sadness be gone", it can happen if your willing to fight for it.

[aving21]

Of course i wouldnt. I hope no one i love never feels this pit. I call it this pit..=/ Im just not as strong as i once was.

[becallamjr]

It slowly eats at us bro. Believe me I know. I am pro-choice so if you feel like you need to go then go, but at the very least exhaust all options before you do. Just know that even though I don't know you, I am here, I understand fully, and your not the only one.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Never give up! You have been through a reough time but keep fighting! We are all here for you and we all want to help you let us! Just dont take your life! You say people will be devistated if you do this why hurt them when you could prove to everyone that you can do this! trust me life is to important to just be thrown away! Love can be tough but you can pull through this! If you can't stand the pain talk it out! Tell someone you trust, just let someone in. So many people love you dont hurt them because of a bad patch. I know you can get through this if you put your mind to it! good luck!

[Dako]

You obviously love others and don't want them to suffer, because you're a good guy even while this pain eats at you. You've been fighting this for a long time and deserve a break from the grinding pain so you can think clearly. Do your family a favor and try another doctor. If you have bad luck with one, go elsewhere for a second opinion. You have nothing to lose by trying another solution, one that won't bring suffering to your family.

You're a young guy and at your age, lots of internal changes are going on, life is challenging and everything has a heightened sense of importance. School, job, money, love, and your future seem really huge right now, and every disappointment is magnified.

If you can hang in there and get help, you'll get to a better place in many ways besides coping with depression. I wouldn't want to be 19 but my early twenties were a blast. Just a simple job, apartment and freedom kept me from going down the drain.

What I'm trying to say is that I've been suicidal, and it's easier to cope with over time. Meds are only one part of treatment.

Please don't hurt anyone. See a doctor.

[ocrob]

Wow, that was so hard to listen to. You sound very honest and intelligent. I am sorry for your pain and I do think it will get better. It sounds like you are athletic and you should pursue yoru dreams. If your knee is messed up, then take the cahllenge of getting past your injury. You are young and have so much to accomplish. Hang in there and challenge yourself to get better and pursue something. Life is way to short as it is. Hang in there and live my friend.

[Mix Maxster]

Man not enough people are "honest" in this world. I was once suicidal and just saying that you WERE suicidal is enough to scare people away. Looking back I realize how much I could have lost if I had been successful and I too wondered about the people I would hurt, but the one person I didn't consider was myself.

 

People will say they love you and mean it, but unfortunately they can't always be there or do the things we would hope for. It can be selfish to ask that they go out of their way, but it's another thing when the only time they try is when they feel they have to. Appreciation, love and respect are things that require people to take notice and give with no reciprocity. Unfortunately we do live in a fast paced society and we are left to fend for ourselves.

 

I'd glady try to convince you of all of life's luxuries and nuances, but that doesn't help. What needs to change is finding your own inner light, the kind that can guide you when things are dark. Many times we are left to figure these things on our own and are never taught to love and appreciate ourselves as the unique individuals we are. Instead we're lead to believe we're inadequate and should change ourselves to fit into societies view.

 

We live in a quick fix society, one where we are built to receive things right now. Instead of waiting 3-5 days for a letter, we can e-mail someone accross the world in the time it takes to type a message. We don't have to order many things as we can walk to most any kind of shop and find what we're looking for. It's hard to have to wait or to work on something when we've grown accustomed to this type of reality. The biggest thing is trying to find a cause to someone's behaviour as a mental disease or something that requires medication to fix when all it does is mask the symptoms of something deeper and more pyschological.

 

I used to wake up feeling good some days and just completely miserable others. Things would bug me and I would become completely frustrated and wrapped up in whatever it was that started it. I would hope and pray that it would get better and believed that it would, but bad things still happened and my situation never got better. I remember what it felt like to lose all hope and to already feel dead when I was alive. And I know that exact feeling you get when you cry out for help and people treat you like some disease they're afraid to catch.

 

Looking back I can laugh at how I used to be and how thankful I am that I am alive. I have a very hard time trying to make ends meet and things look dismal, but I know that I'm the only chance I have at making it in this world and I will find a way. I never was proactive in any part of my life, especially when it came to defining my happiness. I thought maybe one day I'll wake up and everything will be different and I'll be fine. The truth is though is that we need to be the ones in control of ourselves. Who we are, what we want out of life, whether or not we are happy and that is a choice, how we behave and act, our goals and beliefs, etc. It's up to us to seek these things out and to discover them on our own. Afterall, do you really want someone else telling you how you should live?

[Bethany]

Why don't you try NOT to fight this anymore. Just relax and mentally and physically 'Let Go' of everything that you feel, you can then examine the feelings inside you and recognise them when they start to build up so you can effectively stop everything including the pressure from building up before it gets too much.

 

Fighting it just makes it worse and eventually grinds you down until you feel there is no way out of this. If you face your fears and feelings head on, you can then understand how these fears and feelings affect your mind and THEN you can deal with them.

 

By fighting this 'thing', you're holding tight onto yourself while thinking No, No I can't stand this anymore! and are trying to push it away but if you 'let go' and think about your feelings instead of trying to push them away or subconsciously avoid them, you will see why this depression holds on so tightly when you want it to go away so bad.

 

Once you start to do this, you will be looking at yourself through new eyes and things WILL start to change inside you. You will become more aware of yourself, your thoughts and fears and how much they control you, you will see that the depression isn't holding on to you, your holding on to it. And it's time to let go.

[acsentu8]

You really want the pain to end? Follow this direction. Step foot into an Assembly of God church on Wed. night. I promise you will be healed. I will be praying for you directly today, tomorrow, and Wed. Please write me and let me know your testimony. email removed

I love you Brother.

A

[Dako]

We're all pulling for you. Help us out and just let us know how you are.

I agree completely with Bethany regarding ending the fight and giving in to help. Fighting makes you tired, and you're tired of fighting.

 

Some of us make these little desicions every day to avoid ending up in a dark corner. As time goes by it's possible to sidestep triggers that would otherwise put you down. It really is worth learning these things about yourself. I'm finding new things about my self every day, and I thought I knew me.

[aving21]

Ive gone on every day but im just not all there. I dont care about anything i do its like im a zombie. But i guess im moving on

[Dako]

Do us a favor. Please don't move on from us.

I want you to get past this phase into a decent life.

 

Have you seen a doc lately? If you can just make an appointment, it may give you a feeling of progess. Unfortunately it might take some luck to find the right doc that can understand and connect with you, but it's worthwhile to keep at it.

[aving21]

dont know what to do really. Maybe meds will force me to be content. Im seeing a doc next week for a exam to see if im stable enough to be in public...Or else im going to a mental hospital for 2 weeks.

[Dako]

I'm glad you're seeing a doc.

Maybe the meds will let you see past your confusion, and give you some clarity. You deserve to get healthier.