it's too much to cope with

[Aporia]

i think i'm depressed. then again i think to much. about everything. like right now as i'm typing this with the cap's lock broken i'm wondering what else i could be doing.

 

i can't explain this since it's so complicated.

 

do you ever feel like your mind is going to explode because you have so much going on in there like plans for tomorow what i need to do tomorow like simple things like go to the bank...

 

i think about when i was younger and when i had fun.

 

that's something that i lack in my life - fun..

everythings mundain, banal, grey, black boring.

i want to be happy. i pretend that i'm happy... i'm always smiling and getting caught chatting in classes i'm always laughing - but when i'm not around people i can just be the way i feel - like i want to be gone i want the pain to stop. i try. i pretend. fake smiling but it doesn't work no matter how much i try.

i keep thinking about what i could be doing when i'm doing a certain thing. i can't concentrate...i've no structure in this post and it's bothering me right now. like say when i'm watching t.v. i can't relax 'cause i keep thinking about other stuff i could do. i can't decide ... sometimes it almost gets too much

i love when i'm asleep - it's the only time i can escape from this - the only time when i'm free.

 

 

i hate people - not because i had any bad experiences that i dwell on

i hate people because i am one and i know how mean we all really are...your nice to someone so you can feel good about that. that's thinking about yourself...say your rich and you donate 60,000 to a charity and everyone praises you for doing so - you want that praise that's thinking about yourself. you could then say oh but it was to help the people too...would you have done it 60,000 was all you had to survive on - no you'll always come first.

 

human nature. it's all about you.

i don't feel like going into detail about how i feel about this because i feel it's unimportant another unimportant thought..

 

i like to think that i look at things realistically rather than in a pesimistic way.

 

my mind is too full but yet uneducated the knowledge part of my brain is small but the thinking part is so big

 

i don't know where i'm going in relation to my career... it's like latley all i've been doing is downloading music, going to classes coming home go on the net, ''study'' eat sleep read listen to music...i want new things in my life i feel like i'm wasting my life with this boring routine and there's so much more out there i've even lost touch with my ''best friend'' so now i just have a few school friends. i don't like people. i feel like i am 3 different people...

i'm dreaming my life away - i need help sometimes i think about how i'm in control how i could end it all. to be away and free but then i get distracted multiply this post by ten and that's what's going on in my mind

 

i need help i've never felt so alone and it's like the end

[CarterJonas]

I'm no doctor but you could be suffering from anxiety. You seem to want to change a lot of things in your life and the anxiety seems to get worse when you don't seem to be making progress.

 

I'd just concentrate on changing one thing at a time and don't make it a life or death situation if you don't achieve it perfectly. Life is a cycle and we all have good times as well as bad times.

 

If you feel it isn't getting better it might be worth discussing it with your doctor and see if he can recommend some relaxation techniques for you.

[langford]

This is a western illness,its called meaninglessness.Dont listen to any of this crap about rushing to the dr for a quick mend. If you want your life to not be banal and mean something you have to find something meaningful to do,something that matters to you ? whatever it is you must find it, dont worry about your lack of structure the busyness in your mind,these are signs of life.

There is a way to be in the world without expecting everything of it,Dont over think too much,ive found that thinking too much taxes the rest of me out and i forget how to be at ease with the way things are,i forget how to laugh because im so busy rationalizing and analyzing things,let it go.

 

I know what you mean about people being inherantly selfish and not worth the investment but that is the way we are stupid,kind,wonderful,horrible,delightful we are all these things you just have to accept that and not try and alter it.Our society encourages selfishness,what can you do? not very much.Option b is to live in some little shut up dungeon which i know can be very appealing.

I dont know where i read it but someone else said and i think it applys here the void is not something that is peripheral. It's within you. Any attempt to find the "missing piece" outside of yourself is doomed to failure.

[Aporia]

i'm getting bouts of depression one minute i'm fine and the next i panic for no reason i'm getting insecure i don't like the attention i get

 

i got stood up by my ''boyfriend'' last night and to make matters worse i wasn't supposed to see him in thefirst place 'cause he always does stuff like this

 

now i feel weak

 

i can clearly see that he has no respect for me he puts me down but i love him

 

i can't stand him and hes going to the same concert i'm going to in july camping for 3 days

 

i'm constantly trying but never suceeding

 

this is very serious i seriously

i feel worthless everytime he uses me but i'd rather have him use me than to not have him atall i hate him i wish i never met him we've been through sooo much

 

 

what can intrest me these days - the only thing i find intresting is drawing and music