My mam is having an affair

[sexynadaley]

A few years ago I saw text messages on my mams phone to this guy called ken. They were saying 'I love you', there was about 3 of them all saying basically the same. I confronted my mam about it and she said they were both friends and ken was going through a tough time at the moment (hense the i love yous). Yet a few months ago I looked at her phone again and there was filthy text messages...and I mean dirt - 'I cant wait to **** you'...

I really dont know what to do!

My dad works away so I dont see him to often so I rarely get the chance to speak to him in person and every time I do I back out of telling him. I know it will break his heart and I dont want either of my parents thinking badly of me. If I tell my dad then my mam will blame me for causing so much trouble (I know it is actually her but the guilt is still there) and if I dont and my dad finds out in another way and he knows that I knew then he will never forgive me for not telling him!

Please help.

[SLMitchell918]

Wow, what a horrible situation you are in.

 

I would say just let things work themselves out, but then what if it never does?

 

Do you think you can live with the guilt of knowing?

 

Before telling anything to you father, talk to your mother. Let her know that you know its more than just "friends" and you want to resolve the problem or your going to have to tell your father. I know it sounds awful but your father has every right to know.

 

Your mother should have NEVER put you in this situation. Its just really sad.

[sexynadaley]

My partner said I should either confront my mam or just forget about it but both of these seem impossible to me.

I think I may get the ins and outs of it from one of my mothers close friends (who I am also close with) and try and get another perspective from someone who knows. However I am aware that if I tell my mams friend I know then I will have to confront my mam as its not fair for my mams friend to be in between.

I just want all of this to finish!

[PocoDiablo]

I'd totally stay out of it.

 

For all you know, your mother and father have an agreement of sorts, or otherwise know. Your father may be cheating as well, etc. People are not saints, but this sure is a hard way to find out.

 

If I were you, I would stop reading text messages that are not intended for you...

 

If you do bring it up, you can expect your whole world to collapse around you. Your parents could divorce, you may have to move, or be involved in a court battle, be forced to live with one or the other, etc.

 

Really, don't get involved any more.

[Iceman26]

I believe in the rule of treating other people the way you yourself would like to be treated, and if I was the Dad, I would want to know. He is potentially wasting his life, working hard for his family, with his wife showing her thanks by banging Ken.

 

If your mom gets pissed at you, all you have to say back to her is "I wasn't the one that had the affair mom. You did this to yourself"

 

I am sorry to hear about the situation you have been placed in. That is really rough. Perhaps to avoid trouble with your mom, you could simply tell him to look at your mom's cell phone, so you could avoid trouble with your mom.

[PocoDiablo]

My partner said I should either confront my mam or just forget about it but both of these seem impossible to me.

I think I may get the ins and outs of it from one of my mothers close friends (who I am also close with) and try and get another perspective from someone who knows. However I am aware that if I tell my mams friend I know then I will have to confront my mam as its not fair for my mams friend to be in between.

I just want all of this to finish!

If you bring this up to her friend, it's GOING to come back to your mother.

 

That's a really bad idea in my opinion. This is hard, but really ... you need to stop getting any more involved with it, and you SURE as heck don't want to involve anyone else outside your family.

 

Slow down, think about it, don't do anything until you have REALLY thought this out.

[theantibarbie23]

Really, don't get involved any more.

I'm sorry but how can she just pretend that everything is fine and ducky after learning something like this? Denial isn't going to solve ANYTHING and at best she will end up harbouring tons of resentment torwards her mother if just ducks her head in the sand and acts like nothing ever happened. Which can eventually ruin the relationship she has with her.

 

I think you should talk to your mother. I'm a child who's father had multiple affairs on his wife and he brought home AIDS and destroyed our entire family.

 

If I had known beforehand and kept my mouth shut, I would of spent the rest of my life feeling guilt because of it. If you don't face your demons, you will never be free of them.

[sexynadaley]

wow thank you so much for the great advice!

I have kept it a secret for many months now and it is eating away at our relationship... i have little respect for her and she has even mentioned on several occasions that i am short with her.

I think i am going to leave it until i am sure and ready...and definitely not mention it to her friend.

thankyou again its been great getting another persons perspective. and knowing im not on my own where * * * *ed up parents are concerned xxx

[PocoDiablo]

I'm sorry but how can she just pretend that everything is fine and ducky after learning something like this? Denial isn't going to solve ANYTHING and at best she will end up harbouring tons of resentment torwards her mother if just ducks her head in the sand and acts like nothing ever happened. Which can eventually ruin the relationship she has with her.

 

I think you should talk to your mother. I'm a child who's father had multiple affairs on his wife and he brought home AIDS and destroyed our entire family.

 

If I had known beforehand and kept my mouth shut, I would of spent the rest of my life feeling guilt because of it. If you don't face your demons, you will never be free of them.

Well, I never meant to say pretend nothing is happening, but I said that more to protect an obviously younger child from a VERY adult situation. Not knowing the age of the poster makes it hard to give accurate advice, but really it was meant as a way to not become the "messenger" and we all know the saying ...

 

Don't shoot the messenger.

 

I just saw her getting in the middle of a potentially very heated situation. What happens if they get divorced and she gets blamed? Lots of heavy duty stuff going on, that's all, and I think there is a time and place to deal with it, but it's sure as heck not right when you discover it. Take a week to think it through, be careful, get advice from someone trustworthy AND who will not bring it back home. That kind of stuff.

 

But it looks like there is another side of that story which is something I had not considered. Yes, there are other reprocussions. But how to handle it?

 

Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes and not get involved.

[confusedashell]

wow that is rough! I found out my father was having an affair with a woman in a different country (he works abroad a lot). At first I said nothing since I had no serious proof but later when i found something that was difficult to deny I confronted him about it. He of course denied it and laughed it off. I couldnt do really anything about it. Well, long story short, my mother found out about it and it pretty much killed her. She was very ill at the time and she became so upset about it she stopped eating. She eventually died. I am not blaming my father entirly for this, my mother was ill for sometime before this and they had problems in their marriage for years, but I just wished I had told my mother about it so I could have helped her out with dealing with it. My father still denies the whole thing.

 

So I think confronting your mother is a good idea. Why should you're father have to suffer later?