more drama

[shamus]

Hey all.

first off, what a blessing these forums have been. there are truly some amazing people on here, my heart goes out to all of you.

 

i had recently gotten back together with my now once again ex.

there was still drama, but we were a lot better with our communication.

she'd still get insanely jealous, for example, sunday we took my dog to the dog park. she became very moody and went to sit in the car, simply because i was talking to other dog owners, making small talk.

she accused me of flirting with other girls. Since when does making casual light conversation with other people constitute flirting.

but she admitted she was jealous, and i told her i was proud of her.

 

monday night i screwed up.

i went over to her place. we were lying down on the couch, and i was feeling amorous, things started getitng a bit heavy, when she told me to stop, "i'm not feeling it. I'm tired"

i took this as a major rejection and was hurt. i told her how can you be tired, you only work 4 hours a day, then you have 2-3 hours off before you take your kid from school, nad then he's in bed 2-3 hours later.

she got mad saying she works 2 jobs, i dont understand. now maybe i dont, but there are so many people who work full time and raise kids and still function and have a life.

she kicked me out of her place.

I apologized later, saying i was sorry should have been more considerate and understanding.

tuesday she texts me...I am mean to her, hit below the belt, i dont respect her, blah blah blah, leave me alone.

we've had fights like this before.

yesterday i sent a few more messages, i'm sorry, it was my fault.

i left flowers and a card at her door, saying once again i'm sorry, i just think she's beautiful and amazing. and i love her and always want her.

no response.

 

now here's where i really got hurt.

i got home last night. there was blood all over my apartment. on the floor, carpet, couch. turns out my dog, knocked over a glass and cut himself bad.

i freaked out and called her, unsure what to do. got her voice mail. left message.

i cleaned off my dog, seems the cut closed up. poured peroxide on it. the dog is fine now. gace him some food. he wasnt bleeding anymore. i figure i'll monitor him and if its bad in the morning i'll take him to the vet.

i sent her a picture text message of some of the blood saying i am freaking out, not joking, please talk to me, the dog seems ok, but i'm freaked and you know the dog the best.

sent a few more messages...i'm really shaken up, need to talk.

nothing.

now we've had our problems, but this is bad. a messed up thing happened and she wasnt there for me. it really said something about her character.

i even said why cant you be there as my friend when i need you? i've always been there for her when something bad went down

 

my dog is still fine and is now jumping around playfully. but i was scared at first

[PocoDiablo]

Hm. I read your other (first) post where you discussed how she dumped you, dated other guys, etc. and have to agree with what I saw posted by others - she's using you. Here's my take on this little bit.

 

First, the problem you are having is that she is older and you are younger, and she has an upper hand in the relationship and treats you like you are her child to be bossed around. And from what I can tell, you let her. The distinct problem I see with that is that you are not being an equal to her and at the same time you are not addressing the real issues of the relationship. Let me show you what I see:

 

she'd still get insanely jealous, for example, sunday we took my dog to the dog park. she became very moody and went to sit in the car, simply because i was talking to other dog owners, making small talk.

she accused me of flirting with other girls. Since when does making casual light conversation with other people constitute flirting.

The issue here is not the flirting, it's probably three fold: One, you were not spending time with her and two she could not control you via a mature manner, so she chose to use a passive-aggressive tactic (leaving) to control you and three you let her walk away without paying any heed.

 

What would I have recommended in that case? I would have told her that she's crazy to think that you are not going to talk to other people. That is absolutely unacceptable in my opinion. I would also tell her that her choice of dealing with the situation by attacking you and leaving at the same time are very immature and delve deeply into her insecurity and need to be lead by a strong partner figure in the relationship. Face it, she's acting like a seven year old. In my opinion, all that has to be done is to tell her that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she has to start acting like one. She has to EARN your respect, not manipulate you into doing what she says she wants (which, by the way, is not what she wants, just what she says she wants.)

 

but she admitted she was jealous, and i told her i was proud of her.

So you rewarded her bad behavior (albeit thinking you were rewarding the communication issue.) I would have not done that. You just reinforced that she can pout like a seven-year-old and get your attention. Is this is example you want to set?

 

monday night i screwed up.

i went over to her place. we were lying down on the couch, and i was feeling amorous, things started getitng a bit heavy, when she told me to stop, "i'm not feeling it. I'm tired"

An excuse is a "no" and that is something you need to respect. At the same time, in my opinion, when it comes to love making it means you are not taking the time to properly encourage your partner. I don't need to know the details, but if you spent less than 30 minutes kissing her all over her body, you got what I would consider an expected result. She punished you for not performing to the best of your abilities. See how that works?

 

i took this as a major rejection and was hurt. i told her how can you be tired, you only work 4 hours a day, then you have 2-3 hours off before you take your kid from school, nad then he's in bed 2-3 hours later.

Yeah, this is where you blew it. Instead of saying "Well, can I get you a glass of wine, maybe give you a foot massage instead?" you turned things into a therapy session. I don't know about you, but I never would have considered dumping my feelings, emotions, and problems on a woman as a way to seduce her. You should think about the message you sent - you ended things for yourself right there. Not sexy, not caring, not flirting, not funny.... boring and predictable.

 

she got mad saying she works 2 jobs, i dont understand. now maybe i dont, but there are so many people who work full time and raise kids and still function and have a life.

she kicked me out of her place.

I apologized later, saying i was sorry should have been more considerate and understanding.

Yup, you got what you deserved. Notice, however, that she is the one in control here, since she kicked you out. Clearly it's her place, but still. In addition, it speaks volumes to me that the two of you could not recover from this situation, and instead went into a flaming tailspin of death. So, if something really bad happened, how are you going to work things out? It doesn't seem like you can, if you ask me.

 

tuesday she texts me...I am mean to her, hit below the belt, i dont respect her, blah blah blah, leave me alone.

we've had fights like this before.

Yeah, she's right. You did not act like a mature gentleman with self control. You lost it, and losing self-control is one of the major issues I think most men have. Just like she is acting like a spoiled brat, so you are. You're acting like a child, not an adult. How can she respect you and how can you earn her respect if you act like this? It takes more than two people being together to *BE* together - it takes hard work. I always seem to have to point out that you don't have to work on the relationship, you have to work on YOURSELF. You need to improve yourself, you need to be a better man, the bigger man, you have to be her support system... not the nail in the coffin.

 

yesterday i sent a few more messages, i'm sorry, it was my fault.

You apologized over a text message? How about face to face? Text messages, like email and the phone, are business tools. I think that they have almost NO place in romantic and committed relationships.

 

i left flowers and a card at her door, saying once again i'm sorry, i just think she's beautiful and amazing. and i love her and always want her.

no response.

Of course not, because you made the fatal mistake of trying to "buy" her forgiveness. Why didn't you knock on the door and talk to her? Flowers and a card just say "If I throw gifts at you it'll trick you into liking me." Only AFTER you mend things should you be buying gifts.

 

now here's where i really got hurt.

i got home last night. there was blood all over my apartment. on the floor, carpet, couch. turns out my dog, knocked over a glass and cut himself bad.

i freaked out and called her, unsure what to do. got her voice mail. left message.

i cleaned off my dog, seems the cut closed up. poured peroxide on it. the dog is fine now. gace him some food. he wasnt bleeding anymore. i figure i'll monitor him and if its bad in the morning i'll take him to the vet.

i sent her a picture text message of some of the blood saying i am freaking out, not joking, please talk to me, the dog seems ok, but i'm freaked and you know the dog the best.

sent a few more messages...i'm really shaken up, need to talk.

nothing.

now we've had our problems, but this is bad. a messed up thing happened and she wasnt there for me. it really said something about her character.

i even said why cant you be there as my friend when i need you? i've always been there for her when something bad went down

 

my dog is still fine and is now jumping around playfully. but i was scared at first

While I can totally relate about your dog (see mine?) you need to be a little more mature here. Your dog got hurt and you called ... her? How about call your vet? Have you even called your vet? What do they say about using hydrogen peroxide on a dog? My fiance worked in an animal hospital and there are many things that work for humans that can further injure your dog.

 

But the point I am going to go back to here is my main point...

 

Your relationship is upside down. She wants a mature man, but has a dependant boy. You want a loving partner, but have a controlling mother-figure. You've shown her that you have no backbone, cannot take care of yourself, and need major guidance. You dump your personal problems on her like she is your therapist or mother, and you let her dump you and screw other guys. What a mess. At this point it's like you have no self-confidence, no self-respect, and have made it abundantly clear that you're a mess.

 

Well, guess what? Welcome to the club. Many of us have boldly forged before you and fallen flat on our faces (Hi! That's me!) and learned the lessons you are about to learn.

 

Might I make some suggestions? I've seen this over and over, and I am going to preface this right off the bat with "Dump her." I'll tell you what, I think your relationship is beyond salvaging at this point.

 

Now there is more to it, and you may want to read some other articles I have written, that pertain, such as these two:

 

My GF wants a break, is it really over?

link removed

 

How do I win my GF back?

link removed

 

Help! My GF won't have sex with me any more. She says she's too tired, etc.

link removed

 

Why not to pour out your heart to your woman

link removed

 

Now, is there any truth to any of this? Who knows, that's for you to decide. But the truth is that you do need to open your eyes and realize that there is a lot more going on. You need to start acting a lot more mature, have some self control and not get into fights, stop trying to buy her love, pay her some more attention, and be kinder. You also have to make some decisions in the relationship and not make her do all the work, and you have to get something out of it as well. Remember, it's give AND take, not give and give.

 

And, bottom line, if she sees other men ... you dump her. This is a huge sign of not being interested in you, and taking her back shows that you have no backbone and will not be a strong husband, a protector, or provider. Instead, it shows that you'll let anyone or anything run you right over. How is that constructive to a committed relationship.

 

You have to have standards and you have to enforce them like any other man would, or she'll treat you like a child.

 

Good luck.

[shamus]

good points...

 

at the dog park she said she was leaving.

i did tell her ok, if you are not feeling well, i will see you later.

i was talking and hanging with her at the park. she leans up against the fence, and just hangs there, i'm running with the dog, i come over and talk to her, she's just hanging out.

 

i dont think i necessarily rewarded her behavior, i encouraged her to work out her feelings and not jump to conclusions

 

yes there is a lot of bs

 

i didnt just jump on her the other night...all day we were sending flirty messages to each other. i was kissing her and massaging her, we were grinding against each other.

but yeah i should have been much more mature.

 

as for the dog, yeah, iwas freaked out, but he did seem fine. he's going to the vet today just to check up on him, but the cut is ok

 

lots of immaturity, i've tried calling her

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, dog park situation seems odd now with more details. Ah, those details will get you every time, huh?

 

I would literally cut out the BS. If she acts up, tell her you won't tolerate it. If she continues, walk out. Plain and simple. Tell her you'll call her later when she is calmed down. be kind, but be firm, and stick to your word. Don't start to walk out and then return if she says something nice... tell her "No, sorry, you need to think about what just happened, figure it out on your own, then we can hang out and have fun some other time." Be a gentleman at all costs.

 

Next time she says she's tired, did it ever occur to you that she wanted you to carry her to the bed.... Maybe she's just a bad flirt? You got so serious, gotta lighten up a little maybe?

 

Try calling her LESS. "Give her the gift of missing you" is a quote I like. It shows you have a life, you're not dependant on her... you know?

 

And I am glad the dog is okay.

[shamus]

cant carry her off to bed, she has a one bedroom and the kid sleeps in there

 

but yeah i admitted i overreacted and was wrong as well. seems she never owns up to her own stuff.

 

i always use that quote good stuff

 

at the dog park she cant just expect me to sit there next to her if she just leans up on the fence and doesnt interact, i'd come back to her, bs with her, go back to the dog, make casual conversation with other owners. my dog is very cute, a lot of people come up to me and ask about him. i cant be rude and not talk to them. she even said she knows i am a sociable person, very friendly whereas she is a bit more shy

felt like i was walking a tightrope dividing my attention between her and the reason we were there...to get my dog out and running

[kickedin]

give it space.......when you lose self control as i have they look at you differently

[truelovewaits]

Your relationship is upside down. She wants a mature man, but has a dependant boy. You want a loving partner, but have a controlling mother-figure.

 

This sentence is so correct on so many levels, Shamus, this is basically what I have tried to tell you but couldn't ever quite articulate. You should really think about what PocoDiablo has said here because there is a whole lot of truth to it. I know it may be hard to see and accept when you're in the middle of it, but I hope you do take this to heart.

 

PocoDiablo...Incredibly insightful.

[PocoDiablo]

Thanks. That's part of my whole theory of relationships and making them work. Men have to act like a grown up, like a potential husband, like a father figure in order to be attractive to women. If men start acting like boys ... well, everything falls apart.