Last Resort

[alwaysafraid]

I was looking for any kind of help and came accross this. So maybe if I tell a bunch of strangers my problems things will start to make sense again. I have had depression for anout 5 years and refused to take anything. I thought that because I knew I could take care of myself and I would be okay. My life wasn't great, but it was good. About a year ago I experienced what true happiness for the first time in my life. I was seeing a great guy, I was starting school again, moving out of the town that only fostered my problems and had a friend moving with me. Before I moved the friend backed out and school fell through. The guy was still around. I would never have moved if it were just for him, but by this point all that was left was him and that I hated where I was at. Shortly after I moved, when I had started my second job he left me for a girl 8 years younger than him that lived 3 hours away. He was such an important part of my life and I was going through so much with moving and he cared so little for me that he could just leave. We have no contact with each other. I spent about the next month not eating not sleeping and praying every day that something would happen to me to end my pain. A few months before my doctor was going to put me back on antiedepressants and I refused. I got to the point where I needed help and was put on Celexa, which seemed to work for awhile. A few months later I was back to the same place crying everyday hoping to die. I want to move back to where I am from, but my ex has since moved back and though I am unhappy here and miss my friends and family I feel that moving back will only prove what a failure I am and that I can't take care of myself. I went to therapy and to see a psychiatrist who put me on 2 new meds. For about a week everything was great I cared about my job and I was almost happy. Now I am in the same position. I get into my car and hope to die on the way to work or the way home, in my sleep. I am in therapy my friends and family no what is going on, people keep trying to reassure me and I can't seem to feel better. If anyone has any useful advice please let me know. I feel that I have tried everything and I start to get better then out of nowhere I am terrified of the thought of even getting out of bed.

[secret_agent_man]

Think about this. You move away and die of depression. Why would they not think that was your failure? Does that somehow prove to them that you succeded?

 

You need to understand that family and true friends will love you, even when everything falls around you. They will accept you in their hearts, although you may not think so. Family show the most love when they know you are hurting, so I think you need to tell them what you are feeling. They will not cast you out if you tell them what you've told us. No one would. Understand that you are too important in this world for you to leave us over pride. Think about who you'd be leaving behind, and what it would do to them. They would hate themselves for not knowing, when they had no way to know! Just go be with your family, please. Don't risk that for their sake and yours, you have too much to offer us, whether you know it yet or not... Please.

 

We're here if you need us,

 

S.A.M.

[Aura Seeker]

Hi there.

 

I have known people in your position. Some of the things that they do are:

 

The sun lamp. I don't know what climate you live in, but here in Canada, the winters are long and dark. Some people really need the effects the sun gives them to subside the depression.

 

Lots of excersise: The body and the mind are very distictivly connected. The better our body feels (ie: circulation, muscles) the better our minds feel. Get LOTS of excersise.

 

Abstain: Try and stay away from any mood altering substances. If you smoke pot, stop it right away. Downer. Same with Alcohol. You are already down, and to take a downer substance increases the depression.

 

Be good to you: Don't rely on someone else to come along to make you happy....like the boyfriend. That is a false sense of happiness, and a very real dive into depression if they leave.

 

Those are just some things, and I would guess you have probably been told these things. Take action. Go against what you feel. For instance, "I don't feel like going for a run, or even think about starting it" Do it anyway, because it is the depression talking, and you need to put some practical things on the table, and then just do them even if you don't want to.

 

Hope that helps a bit. Take one day at a time, and try not to think about tomorrow or yesterday. If you live with one foot in tomorrow and the other in yesterday, you are peeing on today! ;-)

 

A

[alwaysafraid]

I appreciate the advice and I try most of this. Like I said things seem to be going so well and then out of nowhere, I feel so insignificant. What bothers me most about this is that after years of not trusting someone I opened up and though that I met someone who felt the same way. He left me and is happy and I don't trust anyone. I can't get over the fact that he left me because I wasn't good enough and then I feel that he never cared about me in the first place. I don't want to feel this way I just want to be happy and most of the time I would settle for feeling normal.

[Aura Seeker]

Hi there,

 

This post has probably fallen off the board, but I hope you see it.

 

In your post, I can clearly hear that you are putting your self worth based on other people and their behaviors. If that was a route that I chose to take, I would be laying on the floor twitching and bleeding out of my ears! (I am a little non conventional)

 

Don't keep beating yourself up about what someone else is doing. You are not alive to be in control of other people, or justify their behavior (mostly by telling yourself that you aren't worth anything.

 

Please address that. You are worth something, and it has nothing to do with other people how much that is. Fill the hole up inside of you with you, and then when someone else comes into your life, you will be whole and your self worth won't depend on them. They leave, you are still in tact.

 

Take care, and I hope that things flip over for you quick, life has a way of changing in the blink! ;-)

 

PS....You are normal like everyone else. ((((((Big cyber hug))))))

 

A

 

A