I need help!!

[Debonair]

Hello.. this is my first time posting a message but I feel so alone in my situation that I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and for the past couple of months the relationship has become sour. I do seriously love this man but there are things I just am not comfortable with and don't think I will ever be. Before I begin (and I will try to keep this short) a little history. Before him I was in a terrible 4 year relationship that I always say he saved me from. I have a child from this relationship and am happy to say, that he has embraced him as if he was his own and actually does a better job all around than my sons father ever did. Second, he is very responsible and does alot of things that were lacking in my past relationships. Heres where the bad begins. In certain ways I don't feel he is any different from any other. We constantly argue over minor things (and its always me who starts it) because I have been feeling like he is not taking anything I tell him seriously, or he has an issue with remembering things. He has lied to me on about 4 different occasions which really hurt my trust and lead to me being very jealous about what type of attention he might be showing to other females. This is only because when the relationship started, he knew (from hours, days, and weeks of convos) what really bothered me and assured me that I could open my heart to him and he would never hurt me. Well, that obviously did not happen. I cry almost on a daily basis because I want to be with him for the rest of my life, I want to go thru with plans we have for life, he is so good with my son, and I love him. But as each day goes by I feel we are not right for each other and that he doesn't really care because of the multiple talks we had were I poured out my soul to him and days later it was like he was absent during that session. I don't think there is enough space for me to fully explain the things that have happened, but the most recent issue is this. I have never been fond of porn because it makes me feel that I am not enough for him. He has tried to assure me that thats not the case and says he wont do it again, but again I see it on my cable bill or on the tv in the middle of the night with him asleep on the couch. About a week ago he left his internet account up and I noticed an email confirming his registration with an adult friend finder site. I asked him if he is in need someone new or different but he says all he wants is me (typical male line). So I tried to open my mind and went to a sex shop and bought several toys and dvds (3 dvds one with black women, one with hispanic and one white) to share with each other and we ended up having a good weekend. Last night I thougt the night would be good. I gave him oral and he ejaculated and told me he would wake me up in a couple of hours (after he recouperated) to give me the same. A couple hours later I woke up and turned in the bed. He immediately came into the room and we did the deed. He came again and so did I ... I noticed when I went into the living room the dvd player was running and checked and it was one of the dvds.. I was ok with it because he did come to me like he promised and said he used it only to get ready for me. We tried to get yet another round in but it would have been useless for him and i as we were both supposedly tired. I awoke a couple hours later to use the bathroom and he was on the couched acting like he was sleep. I looked at the dvd player and it was on again and thats when I lost it. Am I lacking something??? is what I asked.. To let you guys know.. I am puerto rican and he is black. The one he was watching was the black. I feel now that I am not what he needs in his life even though I treat him well and give him so much love. What do I do????

[anabanana]

hi debonair.

sorry you're feeling this way.... i think alot of women struggle with the whole porn issue. i know it's difficult for me to understand the need for it, and it's hard not to feel inadequate in some way. the internet has definitely revolutionalized the whole porn industry and made it a much bigger presense in our lives- i mean before at least you had to go to a store to rent a movie or buy a magazine. now you can easily access large amounts of porn, and i think it's much easier to shrug off a magazine or dvd then finding thousands of files on your bf's computer or whatever.

 

do you think he is specifically focusing on one group of women when he does his porn stuff? i know it's hard not to harp on what these porn women have or represent that you don't, but it could be completely insignificant that the porn he was watching had black women. it would be problematic if he was specifically seeking out black women in his porn searches, or if he was fetishizing a group of women... but it could all just be a coincidence.

 

what has he lied to you about? does he know that he has seriously damaged your trust?

 

when you share yourself with him, is it ever resiprocated? does he open up with you? do you feel that he genuinely loves you?

 

in my experience, men are notoriously bad communicators. my husband sometimes completely forgets intense emotional discussions we've had. he just completely shuts off emotionally. this is so frustrating, but we've been talking about it, and he tells me now when he feels he is starting to close off, which has helped since then at least i know what's going on. i know it's cliche, but he really needs to work on his communication skills.

 

does he know how you feel?

[Debonair]

I really don't know whether it is coicidental or if he is fetishing. I do know this is his first relationship with a hispanic female and I just feel like he might be fonder of what he was used to. He lied to me the first time about his ex gf. He told me he disliked her very much when we first were together,because of how she had treated him, then switched up and said they were good friends. Well, I'd ask on occasion if he had spoken to her and he would say "no" or he didn't remember when he last spoke to her. Well, one day after asking and while at his house, I saw his phone bill on the table and several calls to her number. I asked if maybe there was something he couldn't give up about her but he denied it. I did see her number on there a few times after but then it ended. I was again happy and did not worry. But then I started noticing that he disguised certain things he had planned with friends or family that I later learned were different from what he had told me. Another time I called him and he told me he was on the other line with his grandmother and he'de call back. That gut instinct kicked in and after he called back I told him I didn't believe him. He asked me to call his grandmother (which I would never do) and ask. When he got home I checked his phone (pathetic) and to my avail saw that his grandmother had actually called 3 hours before my call and just before me was another number. He finally admitted he was speaking to one of his female friends from high school that he used to play basket ball with and he only kept it from me because he knew I would get jealous (TYPICAL) He doesnt show me the affection I need either. I have told him on several occasions crying that i need him to show me with actions that he loves me. And sometimes he does, but I did notice from the beginning of the relationship that he is not as affectionate as me. I just don't want to waste my time with someone who does not put me first. He forgets almost EVERYTHING I tell him and has an excuse for everything. I dont want this to end up like my previous relationship and I want to marry him and have babies and a beautiful life together... I thought he wanted to also but now I'm scared of how life will be down the line. I also have to add that my previous relationship left me not only exhausted with with attempts to get accross how i felt with no consideration, but also very insecure. This man made me feel like there was no other to top me in the begginning and little by little has been breaking me down, to the point I am tempted to seek reassurance elsewhere. I dont want to but how should I address this.

[anabanana]

do you live together?

 

well, it sounds like there are serious trust issues on your end, and for good reason. he has lied to you about talking to other women, which probably makes you suspect that there is something he wants to hide. maybe he doesn't think it's even significant enough to mention since he knows the kind of reaction it would elicit. i am a really passionate person and tend to get jealous easily (even when the rational part of my brain sees that there is really nothing to be jealous of). my husband doesn't tell me things sometimes just to prevent a passionate reaction to a situation that is harmless. but that becomes a catch-22 because him not telling me about it makes me think he's hiding something and makes me get really suspicious. so it turns into a silly cycle. and i think this is more a result of insecurities created in my previous relationship and i have to remind myself that it is unfair that i am taking that out on my husband, who i know would never cheat on me.

 

do you think he has ever cheated on you? do you think he would ever betray you like that? it sounds like he is devoted to you and your son, even though he is not the most in-tune partner emotionally.

 

it sounds like you had a pretty bad experience before him that has seriously damaged your expectations of men. there seems to be an expectation, almost, that he will do something to hurt you.

 

it's not a good sign that you have repeatedly told him how you feel and what you need and he has done nothing to make the necessary changes. have you considered counselling?

how long have you been together? is your sex life good?