friscodj Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I want to be together in the future. But if she needs me should i still ignore her so she realizes what shes doing? I really want her back. Just after i figure my self out. But i still holding on to thefact we will be together. But ignore her when shes in need? will that show her what she is losing? You need to stop focusing on the relationship and focus on you and your stuff... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 I am. Just saying i am not gonna give her up in my head you know? im still holding on yet moving on towards my own problems. But i still have to hold onto that faith. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 o.k so. I plan on getting her back atm but it is not my main focus. But what im saying is i have some one to go to she doesnt. Should i wait to heal myself before i even pay her any attention? And when im fine should i wait for her to call me or should i just tell her how i am. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Cant sleep. The only thought in my head is her and another guy. I know she wouldnt but i just keep seeing her dancing close on some guy in my head then them getting hott and heavy. I know she wouldnt at this point as we agreed to tell each other if we wish to end the break due to others. But it just hurts period to evens ee this in my head. What do i do to sleep this off. Im gonna see her today! * * * am i tripping. Is it because im gonna see her i feel like this? I have slept like crap all week but this is the first time in which i have had thoughts like these non stop. I can just picture the phone call from her telling me thats its over because she met some one. But that wont really happen i know that in both our cases. Is this a fear of me hooking up? I have read some where that cheating in dreams is a subconscious fear of actualy yourself being unfaithfull. DO i want to hook up? Why is this thought so strong all of a sudden makes me want to burst into tears but i hold them back. What can i say to her about this in person when i see her? Hopefully one of you are awake to help me right now. =( Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Oh yeah, I've been there before. All you can think about is her with another guy having a great time, having sex, etc. Then the dreams come, and sometimes the night sweats...that's normal...believe it or not... Look, you're not being fair here. You've got to take the good with the bad, right? Let me tell you that this girl is a complete disaster my friend. She is very messed up right now. Do you think someone like this is capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone right now? She can't even have a healthy relationship with herself. And if she is with someone else (I don't think that is the case), what basis do you have to think it will be all good and happy? No basis! It is your hopeless and negative side making it up. And why are you seeing her? You need to get over her and seeing her is not helping... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Getting her right now. We had a long talk and basically we are letting go of us but not each other. She just wants one last moment where we can escape everything going on. And after the talk i have really found some closure on us for now. And wont worry about her at all. She wants to focus on school with nothing to worry about. but she promised if she missed me she would come back. So basically its still a break but i heard what i need to hear. I will now move on with my life with the thought of us having a future. But the sort of future is indeed uncertain. She said she sees us down the road getting back together after being around each other when shes ready for it. And honestly i feel great. Will i prob feel liek * * * * after i see her maybe. but i need this last moment to dwell upon rather than our fight. Ill post here when i get back to say how it went. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 You are still leaving this up to her! You can't do this to yourself! "but she promised if she missed me she would come back." You cannot be waiting around for her like this. You need to take care of yourself and make the decision to cut loose... Your actions are completely centered around her right now, which is neither healthy nor attractive... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 Ok so.....I feel so weird now. I pick her up shes hungry. I touch her leg she moves it away but i hold her hand and she squeezes hard. Take her to taco bell gets some food and we are on the sofa saying nothing. She says something about her teeth i look at em then just lean in for a kiss. We go upstairs and im thinking shes just doing this for me. But we kiss more than she tells me to make love to her. So i say ok >. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Dude, I hate to say this (actually I've already said it), but this situation is seriously f*cked up. I can't even explain to you how much of an unhealthy disaster this is. I just hope one day you'll see it for yourself and do something about it... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 No im moving on now. Im getting myself fixed up .Trying to stop cutting and getting myself a job. But i dont understand her behavior. What was teh hard neck kissing thing. Shes never done that before. I am not sad at all any more. Just a tad ocnfused but yah im focusing on getting my * * * * together. And if i look back on this and realize she isnt worth it then ill move on. But im just in a dazed state. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 You don't understand her because she is a complete disaster...and the only people who really understand disasters are the guys from the NTSB who collect the pieces and put the airplane back together after it crashed... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 Today i woke up feeling empty. Not really missing her. Missing the idea of when we were happy. I miss that feeling of having some one there. The feeling of waking up to a good morning i love you text. Waking up to a call from ehr being a brat and waking me up. But i dont miss her. I feel sorry for her. Whcih i dont understand. I miss love i miss feeling important. I miss everything about having a lover. Its just so hard to come to reality that she is gone for now. That im not going to call her that im not gonna be there for her. That im stepping out into this alone. I just cant grasp that. It still feels like we are just still in a relationship but a bad one. She said alot of things that made me sad that she would say them. Like she doesnt want anyone or thing to worry about. She wants to be selfish. Then why the f*ck would she make love to me and be possesive. Its like i want you! but im leaving. But im not heartbroken. Im not sad. Im not even angry. Its just i wish i still had that feeling. But i cant have that genuine feeling until i fix myself up. Is the feeling im looking for only come from myself? I keep reminding myself shell come through and well get back together. But i realize i dont want that right now! I dont want to get back into anything i want to be in something that isnt complex. I want some one to love me only me and know they do. And i was thinking if we get back together. I wont trust her will I? My thought process would be if i was so sure why werent you? Why would time off only make you think that? And i wouldnt open up. Or would I? Will i open up to anyone. I feel like im going to live the rest of my life alone. Even if i have relationships and even if its her im with. Sure i could be happy. I dont understand how i feel right now. Feel like i woke up in the middle of no where with no money and i gotta find my way back home. I dont get why im not sad or angry. I remember all our happy times and smile thinking "soon enough" but then i think if we are back those happy times will just be her. And that i will only see her as some one who left me for school. Some one who a month ago said she was too dependent on me now doenst want me at all. And how I was happy but i know that if she takes me back thats all i will see from her. Or will that pass? If i fix myself up get happy go on my own. And want her back. How much different will it be? Will it be a new relationship or will it pick off form where we left off. And also if i move on. Will i want to jump back into how far i was with her? I would rather be hurting right now than to feel this lost. =( Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 Hate this feeling. Just wish i felt a solid emotion. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Hate this feeling. Just wish i felt a solid emotion. You do feel a solid emotion...confusion...and the way to overcome it is stay away from this crazy woman you got involved with! Be strong bro, you can do it... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Staying strong and my feelings are mellowing down. I might get a nice 40 job and i might actually move to tenesee. I just feel so lost. She says she doesnt want to let go of me but now i do. I just want to be loved by some one who knows they love me. And is sure of it not some one who lovs me but is unsure of the current situation, But i cant help but want that person to be her. Shes gonna call i can feel it but i can feel myself moving away from her. Why does it hurt for me to feel like im starting not to care? It hurts moving on and it hurts losing interest for her? why is that? Some one said great advice in my other topic worry about her "no" now and worry about her "yes" in the future. I just really hope i land this job. Ive had a intimate dream about her both nights since ive seen her and i just want her touch. And i know i can have it! Thats what makes this hurt. It hurts to know if i give in i can just be friends and still sleep with her but it hurts to know shes ok with that so im forcing myself to move on. But i dont want to move on!!!! I dont want to get over her and meet some one else. I guess i want her to become what i want in her . But i feel myself moving on and it hurts. if i completely move on will i look back and laugh at this? Or will i look back and say why did i move on. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Yeah, you're soul searching right now my man. Keep it up...sooner or later the answer will become clearer and clearer to you... "I just want to be loved by some one who knows they love me." You'll definitely meet someone like this! You're soooo young man, trust me. And you can still love your ex and not be with her...quietly in your heart...it's OK to do that...better in this case actually... Moving to a new place always helps things too. Sort of like a fresh start. I hope you land that job bro... P.S. Please work on your own issues with the cutting...remember this comes first here... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Havent cut since that night. Yah i have to write a review to even get an interview but i think i can do it. I love her though. And i will hang on to that until its obvious its not the truth.But if we are meant to be were meant to be eh. So ill leave that to fate and worry about myself for now. But what if she wants me back. Do i work things out or do i not care until i find myself. I think she will come back but im growing apart from the fact that i might not want her as my gf maybe just as a friend. Maybe this will make us tsronger but all i see right now is negative. So if she calls do i try to work things out or do i still focus on myself until im ready to face her with a whole heart behind me. It troubles me because im unsure how i will react because i know she will realize stuff. But now i think im going to just tell her im not the person i wanna be and ill get back to her when i can. Even though that would hurt like hell. This isnt about getting her back anymore. This si about getting myself back. And now all i see her is as a future choice im going to make. Just asking can i still find myself if i get her back? Can i still settle my problems. Or should i put off any relationship until then. Can we work things out on our own and together or is this impossible. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 I was sitting in my room and i found a pair of her little shorts she wore to cheer. Little Green Spandex and i couldnt stop crying. So i lay down on my bed on the pillow she uses and fall asleep i smell ehr there wake up swearing shes right there. Best feeling in the world waking up and seeing a sleeping angel drooling on your pillow knowing you have to sneak her back home but selfishly waiting till she wake sup and freaks out. I know this is early and i know im vulnerable but i went out with my friends and met up with some one i knew in Hs shes hella short 5"1 im 6"2 but when i looked at her jess flew out of my mind. I almost wanted to just ask her out but i told myself " dont put another girl through your pain" And just went home early. Looked at my phone with no missed calls and held in the tears. Nothing really compares to a women does it. Theres nothing better in the world then having some one you love lean on your shoulder when shes tired. I want her back. I want my love back. More pain but still not sad. I cant turn on the radio We had a dance for every damn song on it. A little cute thing to do . We were so weird but it was cool because we were weird together. We woudl give each other high fives then jump in the air yelling YES!!!!! we wer so happy not a week ago. Now this.....But yet i still feel confused i feel like all i want to do with my life now is work and become some one. I want to be somebody some one you read about in the papers. I used to think id be in the NHL i was AA going to USA junior camps and a possible candidate for next years junior team but then in a freak accident hit my knee blew out and i was gone. My future since i was 6 gone. This feels the same way.. One week shes ready to move in next week shes ready to move on...Feels like everything i do is doomed for failure.. So i have descided to check myself into a corectional facility before i kill myself because the overwhelming urge is too much....Its not just her its everything..It seems liek everything i strive for in life goes as good as it can but has a sharp hult in the end. It never dies out slowly.....Mayeb because i dont go to church..I pray to god and considermyself very religious but i see church in a negative way..Every time i go its about what you MUST DO what you CANT DO and i beg Jesus when i get home to forgive me...I just cant handle it..I want to call her because she will be there...She would give me the comfort i need...I dont wont stupid drugs they just make me feel useless....Everytime i try to explain people say " you have it so good why are you depressed...I see the blade i always use get a surge of strength and flush it own the toilet then reaalize that wasnt such a good idea because it was the toilet >.<...it feels like i constantly need some one around just for the human contact. but feel im bugging every me because all say is sad..im so lost suicide only way...i hope god will forgive> Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Dude, please go see a professional first thing in the morning...please...seriously... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Ive been through that theyy dont help. Meds mental hospital..100% security. And im still like this. I just cant live like this. The one person i lived for doesnt need me and i helped her through so im done. God saved me from one suicide for me to help her. Now my use is up i have to go. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Ive been through that theyy dont help. Meds mental hospital..100% security. And im still like this. I just cant live like this. The one person i lived for doesnt need me and i helped her through so im done. God saved me from one suicide for me to help her. Now my use is up i have to go. Dude, you don't want to do this. Think about the people in your life you'd be hurting, your friends, family, and her. All these people would be put through so much pain if you took your own life and you'd probably scar this woman for life essentially taking her life in some senses too. Do you really want that????? Tomorrow's another day...take them one at a time... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 I cant leave my mom...Im in tears...I hate this * * * * Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Be strong...suffer through it...think of your Mom next time you think about suicide... It'll get better man, I swear it will, be tough... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Have to do it...ITs too late my life is done im sorry im going Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Have to do it...ITs too late my life is done im sorry im going Come on man, think of your Mom and how devastated she'll be...and your ex and how she'll never recover from it...don't take her life too...you love her... Link to comment
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