need insights,please help..

[accidently-in-love33]

hello everyone,this is my first post after a lot of reading here,and maybe you can help me with my situation because I am confused...

I am 33 and never had a relationship because I always keep men at a distance,due to something personal that I don't want to talk about...

About a year ago I fell in love with a guy,and after a few months of flirting and talking(where he always started the conversation,as I am very shy)he finally asked me out...first date of my life so you can imagine my joy!!!

after that we had many dates,mostly just quiet nights in my house,talking,and we really got to know each other...he never tried to kiss me,but I have a feeling that that has to do with my subconscious reaction to him...because I really want him to kiss me,but when he puts his arms around me and holds me,I kind of freeze,try not to,but I think he also notices...

For me it would mean a lot if he said that he has feelings for me because now I am still scared that maybe it's just friendship on his part,and I am too scared to tell him how much I love him.

so far,when I want to see him,he comes over,even though he lives far from me....so I maybe get the idea that he likes me,or he would already have been bored with me right?

sorry that I seem so insecure,but really I am very new to all of this and don't know what the signs are and how to read them....

last week he came to my house and gave me a huge box of very expensive chocolates,that cost him aroung 40 dollars,so does that mean anything?

when we went to sleep,he always stays in the guestbedroom,I said goodnight when he laid down on the bed,and then he just reached out both arms,and when I took his hand,he pulled me onto the bed and held my hand between his hands,holding my hand with one hand and stroking my hand with his other hand.....for me this was very beautiful and really meant a lot,but does it mean anything?we sat like that for half an hour....do guys hold hands like that with a girl they don't have any feelings for,or just feel friendship for?or is this a sign of love??next day he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk,and we walked for an hour together,then drank tea together and spent the rest of the day talking,him telling me how much he enjoyed himself...

sorry for the long story and maybe I seem naive,but I am confused,really want him to love me,but find it also hard to imagine that he does,if that makes sense.....

thanks for any ideas that you all might have,also some tips are welcome on how I can stop myself from freezing up around him and really get him to kiss me...by the way he does kiss me a lot,on the cheeks and on my hair,and I think he notices that I am scared....sigh....

when he is not around I long for him soooo much,thinking of everything I want to do with him,and thinking I am ready for it,just different story when he is around....I do know why I freeze up,and why I am scared,but just want to overcome it and let him somehow,without words know,what I want...

[SomeGuy112]

I start of my posts with saying that I am not expert and have probably made just as many blunders as right calls. That being said I think you are a very lucky individual. He seems to really like you, and on top of that, he seems to really respect you and wait for you instead of moving too fast or giving up. No I don't think any man who was not in love with a girl would buy her $40 dollar boxes of chocolate and stay in bed with her just rubbing her hands for half an hour, or even drive long distances to see her, if they were not getting something out of it like sex which he clearly isn't. So my opinion is that yes, he likes you very much. As far as not freezing up, I don't know your situation so I can't tell you about any mental techniques to overcome it. What I can suggest though, is that when he seems like he wants to kiss you on the lips, smile if you can and turn your head towards him. That's the biggest thing, if you turn your head away it means you don't wanna kiss, if you keep your head forward I would probably just kiss you on the cheek or the neck, but if you turn your head to him it does a lot for letting him kiss you on the lips.

 

As a side note, do you ever talk about "you?" I am not telling you that you should if you don't already because I'm not experienced enough to know what that would do, but if you already do it can be very helpful in knowing what he feels about you. And if you've been doing this for so many months one would think there was a you. So good luck with this guy and I really wish you the best.

[HaloDestroyer]

Firstly, welcome to the eNotAlone forums!!

 

This man is putting out all the right signals!!

 

He seems to have sensed that you've got some sort of inhibition, and is working around that. He sounds like a gentleman, and the sort of person who will work with you to overcome your problems, whatever they are...

 

In my honest opinion, what you should do is confide in this person. Tell him what's wrong with you, and tell him honestly how you feel about him. By the sound of it, he will understand, and want to help in any way he can!!

 

And about the kissing... You should try starting it with him!! If you psyche yourself up, and take the plunge (So to speak!!), it'll become easier, the more often you do it. It'll also let him know of your intentions...

 

Hope this helps...

[renaissancewoman101]

Calm down and stop worrying so much. Just take things for what they are worth at that moment in time and enjoy it. It seems like the guy does like you and he is warming up towards dating/developing a relationship with you, hence buying the chocolates, etc. But, you should calm down and not worry about every little thing, read in between the lines about every little thing, becauase all that will do is give you an ulcer and cause anxiety.

 

I should listen to my own advice . I know how you feel. I worry about how people think of me. I try to read between the lines when I go out with someone to see how they think of me, what should I do, how I should react, etc. All that has done is cause me grief and anxiety when I should have only just been having fun and be relaxed because when you do have fun and are relaxed, the other person can read that off you and in turn be relaxed and enjoy being in your company.

[accidently-in-love33]

wow quick responses...Thanks!!!!

first of,I do talk to him about myself,what I like,and don't like and I even talked a bit about my childhood,I've been teased a lot in school an I told him that,that causes my shyness,so he already knows that,but that is not the problem which causes me to freeze up...

I do really want to tell him about my problem and knowing him,he will be very sweet about it,just the problem is that firstly I can't talk about it,and secondly,if for whatever reason he is not interrested in a relationship with me,in my mind it will always be that he doesn't want me because of my problem,and that it turned him off.....which I'm sure will not be the case but that is just how my mind works....unfortunately

the problem that I have is some sort of handicap you can say,and to me a very embarrassing one.....

And by the way,even though a lot goes through my mind,I do enjoy every minute that he is with me!!!!I love him so much!!

he tells me all kind of private things,so he does confide in me....and last week he read the paper to me,sounds stupid maybe,but to me it was very romantic!!!and when he is with me he turns of his cellphone,so we won't be disturbed....

but still I wonder if this all could mean only friendship......

[Mavh25]

how long has he been coming to see you like this?

[accidently-in-love33]

since october,first he came once or twice a week,then I didn's see him for a few weeks because he went to visit his parents in his homecountry,and then he came again....we also talk on the phone a lot,he calls me,but mostly I call him,and he is always happy to hear me.

he also asked me to go to a concert a few weeks ago,and out to dinner again....

[Mavh25]

with all due respect, are you dumb? lol this guy is quite obviously wearing his heart on his sleeve for you, no guy asks a girl out, comes round and holds her, just talks and wants to see her all the time because hes bored lol. He likes you, obviously, dont push him away, im not saying jump into bed, that would be wrong but a kiss wont hurt. If you are nervous about kissing, im not sure if youve done it before or what but just think of who your kissing, not the fact that you are, think of it as touching... this disability you have, it would be best for you to just be honest, just tell him, you can even make a joke of it, if he runs a mile then its tuff and he did not deserve you, but most likely he wont.

[accidently-in-love33]

no I am not dumb,just very insecure,I also think that he may love me,but before we started dating,when I first fell in love with him,I wrote him a letter telling him that I was in love,and he replied that that was not possible so soon....then we graduately started talking more and more,until finally he asked me out,so I am scared to tell him again that I love him,because I am still not sure if it's love or friendship with him....

and no I have never kissed a guy before(or girl )and really want to kiss him,but don't want to initiate and then have him say,what the **** are you doing,I only see you as a friend...when he reached for me and pulled me on the bed,I thought nothing of it really,just really enjoyed the handholding and caressing,just later I began thinking that maybe he wanted something more....I just wish he would grab me and kiss me,and get it over with,now I keep doubting

[Süsser Tod]

Come on, that guy does not think of you as a friend, that is just a story you've made on your own to avoid moving further on the relationship.

 

Have you heard about auto sabotage?

 

No one does that kind of things for a female friend, and he is in love with you, that is why he is doing all of that.

 

 

Just let me remind you something, he won't be there waiting forever. What "handicap" do you think you have? I'm pretty sure it has to do something with your sexuality. Can you even imagine how many sex related stuff you can do? Not everything has to be the same.

 

Come on, if I were him I'd be long gone, the guy is lost in love for you. You know? Oportunities are not going to drag you in, you've got to take them.

[accidently-in-love33]

no my handicap is not and has nothing to do with sexual stuff!!!it is a bodily handicap,that if you don't know it,you don't see it,and that makes it harder to tell someone,and I am ashamed of it and that doesn't help either!and my doubts still come from when I first wrote him that I was in love with him,back then he said that it was too soon to be in love and that he didn't think that it was really love that I fellt,and that he wanted to be friends first....and he never said anything since then about his feelings while I think he has to know that I still love him right?so as he never said anything has changed in his feelings,why would I just assume that his feelings have changed from friendship to love?am I making sense right now?he hugs me and he kisses me on the cheeks,or on my hair,but all that could still be friendship,just last week when he held my hand for such a long time,I thought,well maybe this is a sign of love,as are the chocolates,since that was the first time he bought me a present...

he used to tell me that he is an einzelganger,and used to doing everything alone,he never had anyone in his life that cared for him and worried about him,if he ate enough and if he fellt okay...he liked it but didn't really know how to handle that...

he did have some sort of relationship before,where it was more sex than anything else,so eventhough he has had sex before,he still may also be insecure and my behaviour is not helping him,I know..

while he was holding my hand he told me that he didn't want to be alone anymore....and I didn't catch on at that point,and left him to go to sleep.....

later I thought DUH,how many hints do you need?](*,)

I'm just so stupid when it comes to that stuff!!!!

but after reading the answers I got,my doubts are fading!!!

[accidently-in-love33]

well here i am again!!!

haven't seen him since that last time,he had to leave the country again,for work and we were both ill,we talked on the phone often though,he said he misses me and talks of things that we will do together soon,he uses the word "together"a lot,we will go to the market together,we will cook together,we will go look for some secon hand furniture together.....

he also told me that he isn't the kind of guy who wants to hang out every weekend,and see each other every weekend,and i told him that i know and understand that,because i already knew he was like that before we started dating....so no problem there....

now probably this week he will come over again...YEY!!!!

and i have bought him a very special gift,which i know he will love....and i plan to sit next to him on the couch while i give it...because i have two couches,and from the beginning i sat on one,and he on the other...and everyone tells me to sit next to him,but without a reason i feel dumb doing that.....like he would think,you always sit there,why now all of a sudden you want to sit next to me?probably only in my head,but still.....

so with the gift i want to sit next to him,and try to maintain his eyecontact,and then hopefully he will kiss me...right???

if not,when we go to sleep i want to try to lay next to him,if i dare,or ask him if i can lay beside him for a while....and then maybe try to touch him,caress him,and if he doesn't throw me off the bed,maybe kiss him on the lips,and let nature take over!!!or at least let him take over!!!!

i'm just soooooo scared that he will reject me and push me away,telling me it's only been in my mind......sigh.....

hope that someone here can tell me that he won't reject me!!!

anyone????

any ideas????

i'm so stupid with this stuff!!!!!