Bipolar. Denied treatment

[sandorfalot]

I'm 21, I'm a college student. I have a degree already and I'm working on a 2nd one, in computer security.

I was diagnosed and medicated at 14, as being bipolar. I've been on and off many mood stabilizers, every SSRI antidepressant, a few tricyclics and many antipsychotics as well as anti anxiety.

Right now I take a high dose of lithium (mood stabilizer), for my size, a really high dose of seroquel (antipsychotic), a large dose of Luvox (antidepressant, for OCD as well) and a large dose of mogadon (anti anxiety)

I keep dreaming that I've killed myself. It's messed up.

I've attempted suicide many times and been hospitalized long term, 5 times and I'm probably going to have to admit myself to get treatment.

When I was 17, my psychiatrist fired me. When I was 19, I was kicked out of a specialized unit in a big psychiatric hospital for lack of improvement, then my psychiatrist retired, and now nobody wants to deal with me.

I literally get told to shut up and deal with it.

In one day, I got into a fight with the physician at school, a psychiatric nurse at the ER and the ER doctor. It took about 6 hours and I came home and cut up my wrists because I was so angry. (I can't take it out on anything else)

I feel like I'm screwed for life. I'm on disability, I have been since I was 18. All of my doctors figure I'll be changing meds every couple years and in and out of hospitals. A few have told me I'm going to fail at college.

I find exercising helps.

I get so irritable at times..

I don't want to kill myself, but I also don't want to live. I mean, I go to a nice school, I live in a nice residence with my expensive computer, laptop and toys, I do ju jitsu, I have a few dedicated friends, but I'm just afraid of the future.

[Itsok]

Hi friend,

 

Sorry to hear you are so afraid of the future. It sounds like you feel deeply troubled and really need someone to turn to right now for some support.

 

It sounds like a lot of people have told you "You can't do it! You can't make it!" They are wrong to judge you, and they are wrong to tell you that you will fail college, etc.

 

Have you looked into alternative therapies for your problems? To be honest, it sounds like you are medicated too much for someone your age. You are on antipsychotics, lithium, etc and still upset all the time? Something isn't right there! I'm no doctor of course, but those medications are harsh on a person and taking that high of dosage has to have some effect over the years.

 

Don't give up on yourself, and don't let anyone tell you that you can or can't do something. You are working on your second degree. You live in a nice place, and have a few close friends. Exercising helps. Have you tried altering your eating habits?

 

You can do this, and you can make it. There is no reason you can't, you are proving them all wrong right now taking your second degree!

 

Look into alternative therapies. Doctors like medications but they rarely like to solve the problem. Do you see a psychologist by the way? Definitely look into that.

 

Don't worry, you are doing alright and you will be ok!

[frecklegirl]

Hi Sandorfalot,

I am certainly no expert at all, especially in what you are dealing with...I have never been medicated (maybe should have been!) at least not with prescription drugs, but I sure "self-medicate" with alcohol....sucks, because I am on my 2nd DUI and am finally seeking treatment for the way I handle life!

 

You sound like a very smart, insightful, woman. I agree with the other poster, you CAN do this. Start seaching for ways that feel good to you!!!! Dont' believe some of your drs. advice in the fact that "you can't do it" because people do amazing things, and I have a feeling with the support you seek, you WILL find the key out of the box.....I too have to believe in ME..........please believe in YOU too....take care.