In need of advice

[SadnGeorgia]

Hello, this is my first time posting here. I have really been struggling with my situation and need some advice. My bf and I have been in our relationship for 3 years now. We have had our ups and downs like anyone else. Me personally, I have an issue with trust. In my defense, I was previously in a 10 year relationship, had 3 children and then got cheated on. Of course, that broke my heart and it was a long time (almost 2 yrs) before I dated again. In my current relationship, the trust issue has come up many times, we both got over it. Well at least I thought he had. I promised myself and him I will work harder on it. Then there comes certain situations that make me go hmm...for instance, his cell phone...rarely will keep turned on when with me, or won't take calls when I am around. Maybe nothing, but that is one of my trust issues. Anyways, we are currently living together, however he has been out of town working(by choice) for about 6 months. I had also gone to work there for about a month back in October. While I was there, he proposed, ring and all. At that moment, something changed and I have not felt any bad feelings of distrust. He has come home many times to visit. Work is really slowing down there. We had originally planned on getting married around this time. Things have gotten pretty rough on him there, including injuring himself pretty bad. I have been on him alot lately about coming home. He tells me he can't, that he has to stay and work longer. The weekend before Valentine's Day he was dishonest with me about his whereabouts. I of course didn't take this well, and couldn't reach him to talk or argue...When we did finally talk, he told me he was going to surprise me for Valentine's Day and come visit, but not anymore and he thinks we need to take a break because I have been pushing him and not trusting him. The funny thing is about 2 weeks ago I told him I feel we are drifting apart and communication hasn't been good lately. I have given him space...Tomorrow will be a week...what's Next? Sorry for going on and on...had to give you the "big picture"

[ShySoul]

Hi SadnGeorgia,

 

Hope you put a smile on your face and aren't so sad right now. Smile.

 

You guys are going through a rough spot, but that doesn't mean that things are over. You said that things haven't been going well for him out there lately, even injuring himself. He was probably feeling really low. You then get on his case about not moving back. While I'm sure you only said it because you wanted to be with him, he didn't take it that way. With how he was feeling he probably had a short temper and didn't feel like being told what he should do. You then say there is a problem with communication and give him space while also wanting to know his location. You just wanted to talk to him and communicate, but with all the pressure he has been under, he probably hasn't been in the best of moods nor have the patience he usually has to work through this things when they come up. Though admittedly, he should have been more forthright about his location.

 

Right now space may be the best thing. Give him a chance to cool down and relax. From there, when you do talk, be supportive of his situation. And he needs to be more understanding of your feelings in this regard. Still, I believe in time that things can work out.

[LiquidCherry]

I've always thought it was cruel when people say that they were going to do something nice for you but now they're not. The remark is made with no other intent than to hurt. He could of simply told you that he'd like a little bit of space. And when someone asks for space it's always best to back off 100%. Let them come to you after making such a request.

[SadnGeorgia]

Thank you for your input. I have to clarify that he didn't say he needed his space until after I found out he was being dishonest. That seems to be his answer alot when we argue. The problem at hand never gets handled. I will definitely give him all the space and time he needs. When we have had this problem in the past, it would normally take a few days and we would talk and get back on track. Today makes a week, I know doesn't sound like a long time, but for me, it has been a lifetime. Just want to know how long is too long before I should initiate a talk or move on with my life.

[NJRon]

To be honest, as hard as it is, you really should put yourself in the frame of mind to move on. Doesn't mean you need to actually start planning all the nitty gritty, but get into your mind the fact that you don't need to rely on his affections/communication. Then, sit back and see what he offers while you live *your* life.

[SadnGeorgia]

I agree with you, I just keep finding myself thinking and wondering. I don't want to lose what we had. And it feels that is what is happening. Of course , I feel down and he is the only one right now that can change that. I realize I can't make him make me feel better about the situation. I will keep moving on, and see what happens on his end. I believe in the saying: If you love something, let it free...if it comes back to you, it's yours....if not, it never was

[NJRon]

Yeah, i love that saying too and, while it is often painful to enact its advice, it does has a tendency to feel true to me. Don't live in the past... not now and not ever. No one ever has what they had... they only have what they have now. So look at what you have right now, objectively. Then, go from there.

 

Best wishes...

[changes]

unless i didn't read your post right - i didn't get what exactly was he dishonest about?

[SadnGeorgia]

He was supposed to be flying back to where he is working on Sunday. He flew back on Saturday and tried to lie and say he didn't. He did finally tell me he left Saturday, but it was to surprise me, but not anymore and we need space....blah blah blah.....I really need to change the forum on this post to breakups. I found he had posted a personal a few weeks back looking to meet someone in the area he is in....I feel so much better, I should have gone with my instincts in the first place. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it probably is a duck!