Too much porn in healthy relationship?

[novaseeker]

Good point. What I should have said is, even though he's having sex with her everyday, he's essentially telling her she's not enough for him since he's continuing to view porn every day.

 

I would say that's equally insulting.

 

Well, that gets to a related issue: is it acceptable for someone to masturbate apart from their partner, or not, which also dovetails with the most recent post from Maple.

 

Maple, I think this is very subjective territory. If you feel strongly that you don't want him to be masturbating apart from the times he is being intimate with you, you should make that clear and not settle for behavior that doesnt reflect your needs. Many other people (including myself) do not have issues with that, but the important thing is for you to make sure your own needs are met and your own boundaries are not crossed.

[lgirl]

Derek - excellent post from a male perspective on porn!!!!

[WildChild]

I don't agree with his frequency of watching porn and locking you out, but I am beginning to think maybe this is more about insecurities beyond these posts. I would never suggest to my bf not to masterbate. No I don't want him doing it to porn, but if he is in the shower and lathers up a little too much I certainly wouldn't make him wash off and come and ASK me if it is o.k. That is not right.

[Scout]

Well, that gets to a related issue: is it acceptable for someone to masturbate apart from their partner, or not, which also dovetails with the most recent post from Maple.

 

That issue wasn't mentioned in her first posts, I'm still grappling with the fact that her fiance is gawking at Internet porn six hours a day, insisting they have sex once a day and more on the weekends even though she has a physical illness, and is refusing to make an effort to break his addiction despite the fact it's clearly upsetting her and messing with her self-esteem.

[maplesyrup]

WildChild, I think I didn't clarify 'involved' at the very least all I mean is for him to let me know he is desiring something like that at the moment. Something as little as him giving me a kiss after hes been online makes me feel less left out. I never said I didn't want him to masturbate at all, I think what I am trying to say is getting progessively skewed through diff posts.

 

No, I do not feel it is an addiction, I feel he is only being less sensitive. That he should recognize that when he does it I feel unneeded. If he wanted it five times a day and I could accommodate I would, but mostly he doesn't even come to me, doesn't even mention his needs or desires. And he won't let on to it when I ask, thus making me feel unwanted. I'm sorry this is so confusing to thoroughly explain, I am doing my best and if there is anything else I left out that would help let me know.

 

Thank you scout for trying to keep things in line with what I am trying to say, this has become more difficult than I intended to relay my situation.

[novaseeker]

That issue wasn't mentioned in her first posts, I'm still grappling with the fact that her fiance is gawking at Internet porn six hours a day, insisting they have sex once a day and more on the weekends even though she has a physical illness, and is refusing to make an effort to break his addiction despite the fact it's clearly upsetting her and messing with her self-esteem.

 

Is he "insisting" on sex once a day, or are you projecting that into what the OP has written?

 

If he hada sex addiction, usually the way that plays out is sex with multiple partners. If he had a porn addiction, usually the way that plays out is a lack of sex in real life with one's real life partner, and potentially seeking other real life partners met through porn/stripping, etc.

 

What I see here is different from that, to be honest.

[Scout]

I never said I didn't want him to masturbate at all, I think what I am trying to say is getting progessively skewed through diff posts.

 

Yeah, I think we're getting off track here with that topic. The original issue was the amount of time he's devoting to porn.

[WildChild]

If I remember reading right he has a higher sex drive than she and she can't always meet his needs which I am not saying maple that you are wrong or inadequate.

[novaseeker]

Okay, Maple, we're just trying to help figure out what the underlying issues are or may be, so that we can help you better.

 

I think you have a right to have your own boundaries in terms of behavior, be it excessive viewing of porn, excessive masturbation, etc. If he is unable to meet those, I would suggest counseling for both of you to see if you can reach common ground through the help of a third party.

[maplesyrup]

I cannot meet his needs past once a day during the workweek, I AM able to devote more time to this on the weekends however.

[Scout]

Is he "insisting" on sex once a day, or are you projecting that into what the OP has written?

 

If he hada sex addiction, usually the way that plays out is sex with multiple partners. If he had a porn addiction, usually the way that plays out is a lack of sex in real life with one's real life partner, and potentially seeking other real life partners met through porn/stripping, etc.

 

What I see here is different from that, to be honest.

 

Right, I too thought that people who are addicted to porn typically lose sexual interest in their partners (based on what I've read here at eNotalone, that seems to be how it usually pans out).

 

That's why I think because they still are having lots of sex, her fiance is initiating it. EDIT: What I mean to get accross here is maybe there is something more to this issue than an Internet porn addiction, and that could account for the amount of sex they're still having.

 

To be honest, you want to know what I'm really starting to sense here?

 

And Maplesyrup, I'm sorry in advance if this is going to upset you...but I am getting a strong feeling that your fiance has a sadistic streak.

 

You are extremely, extremely concerned with "accommodating" him. If I can pick up on that in a few posts, I'm pretty sure your fiance is hip to that, too. He knows you are distraught over this, and he is continuing to do it - in fact, he's making no effort to hide it! People with addictions typically try to hide it. Why isn't he?? Why is he not hiding something that is making you truly upset?

 

Maybe the problem is worse than Internet porn addiction: maybe he truly is getting off on making you feel rotten. I'm sorry, but I can't imagine any normal person to allow an ill person to service them sexually every day and then also expect them to live with the fact that Internet porn is running on the computer a good chunk out of the day, too.

 

You say he "saved" you. I say it's possible he recognized you were vulnerable and submissive, and he lured you into thinking he's the sole reason you're alive today.

 

And now he's got you right under his thumb.

[maplesyrup]

I truly do appreciate the different scenarios. But the daily sex is not initiated nor pressured, that is up to speed to my sex drive as well as his. It would be more but I cannot physically do that, it takes days for the tears to heal from it. Nothing is lacking from the relationship as far as I can see. And the reason he keeps doing it is he doesn't think it is bothering me, because I will be fine with it once we talk about it and an agreement is come to, or an undertanding rather. Now, he doesn't realize he has gone back to doing it so much and in a way that is insensitive, and I have yet to confront him again. Hence this post. He does not know I am still upset about it, I am sure he senses a little but not the full degree.

[Scout]

Is he "insisting" on sex once a day, or are you projecting that into what the OP has written?

 

If he hada sex addiction, usually the way that plays out is sex with multiple partners. If he had a porn addiction, usually the way that plays out is a lack of sex in real life with one's real life partner, and potentially seeking other real life partners met through porn/stripping, etc.

 

What I see here is different from that, to be honest.

 

Just to clarify because I don't think I properly did in my post above...yeah, I'm seeing something different here, too. You're right, the typical patterns that usually emerge with sex/porn addictions are different here. Something's not adding up with her fiance, and that's why I'm beginning to suspect what I outlined above.

[novaseeker]

It could be that, Scout, or it could be the case of a non-addictive use of porn which is still nevertheless a relationship problem because the behavior crosses the boundaries that his partner has (and to which she is more than entitled).

[Scout]

Um, you should go back to the very first post you put on this thread. It's completely different than what you're saying now. In the first post, you said you had told him "so many times" and that he now "locks you out" while he gets off on Internet porn, and that he has repetitive fetishes about age and race...and you've accepted these fetishes as your own. I'm curious, what "age" is he getting off on? I suspect if you say its something you will never, ever be, this age has to be pretty young.

 

A real cause for concern there.

 

What he's doing is not normal. Your making excuses for him is not normal.

 

Aren't you ready to admit that? I think you're torturing yourself by trying instead to convince yourself this is all hunky dory, all normal, just a wee bit out of control...no, it's far from it. Something is way off here.

[maplesyrup]

I would like to post a recap so that everyone is still on the same path:

 

This is a emotionally and physically healthy relationship.

Sex is not pressured or the like.

The problem still stands at the fact that, though I have allowed the porn to a certain degree (twice daily) once it hit the point where it is hours at a time, while I am still present, and even right after lovemaking, I have confronted him about it. Not long afterwards, it went back to the way it was.

He denies looking at it so much when I know damn well from the computer, I would probably feel better if he admitted it was so much, or even wanted more from me. But instead he goes straight to the porn, sometimes even right before I was going to initiate something myself with him. Thus causing my feelings of being insufficient or left out.

My original seek to this was what do I do now? Established I need to talk to him again, but I am still unsure of what to say? How do you tell a man he can look at porn but not on the internet, which is where he seems to be sucked into the most, without sounding like a nagging naive woman?

[novaseeker]

Eh, you can tell him that it makes you feel inadequate and unwanted. You can tell him that you're not OK with him looking at porn for more than "x" amount of time, or when you've had sex, etc., and that you feel you're there for him and he should be there for you and respect your needs and boundaries. I don't think that comes off as nagging or naive.

[Scout]

To be honest, your situation and how you are dealing with it is new territory for me. Maybe someone else has an answer that will magically transform your fiance from someone who locks his partner out of the room while he gets off to porn to someone who never needs to use Internet porn again.

 

Myself, I'm sitting here wondering what it is he's looking at that entails the need to lock the door. Are you not even the slightest bit concerned your fiance could be into child porn? Do you know for sure he's not?

[maplesyrup]

Alright I am just going to end this thread. It has gone from my seeking advice on how to handle a situation to posters attempting to delve into the shadows of an 'obviously' perverse relationship. If I wanted therapy I would fork out the money, all I needed was advice on what to say and how to say it, where to go from here. And in trying to explain the situation thoroughly so that one could make an enlightened decision, it seems it has now been focused on the mechanisms of the relationship. I never once mentioned problems with anything besides the frequency of viewing the internet porn and possibly get some insight on why he shuts me out. Thank you everyone for your time and patience and insight, but I think I have absorbed enough from this for the day. Thanks again, and again sorry for getting everyone so riled up over something I thought was a minut issue.

 

I know exactly what he is into, and it is no where close to child porn, and the locked door thing was more figurative than literal. But thank you for all of your concerns.

[novaseeker]

 

Myself, I'm sitting here wondering what it is he's looking at that entails the need to lock the door. Are you not even the slightest bit concerned your fiance could be into child porn? Do you know for sure he's not?

 

She could check the computer for that, I'm sure.

 

As for the privacy, it's not uncommon to want privacy for masturbation. I would think it would be reasonable, however, to have an understanding that masturbation is to be done when the other person is not around (or in situations like the shower or someplace where the person is alone without being behind locked doors).

[Scout]

I'm sorry you're still feeling frustrated and upset, Maplesyrup. Maybe I'm reading too much into your relationship. Like I said, it's new territory for me, I've just never had a partner who looked at a great deal of porn (as far as I know).

 

I am sure other posters will have some feedback on what you can say to your fiance. Again, if I upset you by delving too deeply into this, I'm truly sorry. You're obviously stressed enough with this existing issue, and it was not my intention to make you feel worse.

[Bethany]

Ok as a female lover as porn, I find the 'child porn' thing to be outrageous. Normal mind have normal fantasies and I would offended if anyone made that suggestion about me. Just because he is a man, and looks at porn does NOT make him a pervert.

 

Most of us at one time have spent 6 hours mindlessly trolling the net for things that interest us, bored witless or maybejust feel like it, and if he mostly doing this on his day off and offending no one, leave him alone. It's day off and his day to do what he likes.

 

It's only when he spends time on there instead of going to work, calling in sick etc, or his back is to the world excluding everything in real life, sinking deeper and deeper away from every day life that it becomes a problem which in your posts he does not seem to be doing.

[maplesyrup]

Thank you...I never wanted to be analyzed, as I know I am dysfunctional already, and my views on roles of a man and woman relationships are very different than others, so. All I needed was an idea on where to go from here. Maybe for the post I should have just asked:

 

"What do you do if you asked someone to do not do something that was bothering you, and they didn't, multiple times, how would you then approach the situation without hurting anyone?"

 

I think trying to help everyone thoroughly understand the situation made them wonder too many things that weren't related to the problem at hand.

[WildChild]

Well, I would go to my original suggestion that got lost in our shuffle. You need to take the bull by the horns and stop tiptoeing around the situation. In a non-confrontational way remind him that you had an agreement and you are feeling like he is not meeting his end of it. I still think the fact that he locks you out of the room is inappropriate. No matter what anyone says about if porn is good or bad, that is not right.

[Scout]

Bethany, just for the record, I didn't accuse him of being into child porn, but I raised the question since she said in her first post that the females in the porn he looks at are of an age she will never be, and also, because he locks her out of the room when he's looking at porn. Granted, that could be strictly for privacy reasons. But going to the extent of watching porn when his fiance is up and around the house and locking her out of the room while he does so isn't including her in it. It's turning his back to her to watch porn, which is kind of what you're saying could be indicitive of a problem (in your last sentence).

 

I think Maplesyrup, that's what you're saying you are hurt over mainly. That he's not including you, even though you've asked him to.

 

In that case, it could be that he's simply embarrassed to. Maybe a guy could give some insight here?