trouble getting over big fight

[lizzydarcy]

Hi,

 

My b/f and I have been together for almost 4 years, living together for most of it (officially and unofficially )

 

Three months ago we had a big blowup one day - lots was said that wasn't relevant, but you know how fights go. It was the first time I'd seen him so upset. He said he'd been thinking about marriage, and I think he spooked himself. Also, sex had taken a back seat to everything else, and he was really feeling the effects of that - I think he felt less loved....

 

I asked if he wanted to split up, take some time apart.... and after an hour apart, he came home better than ever, said no, things would be "as good as we make it", and he seemed back to normal. Sex improved greatly, we started communicating again - basically, it shook us out of our rut.

 

Now, the problem is that every little blip on the radar has me spooked. If he's tired and not as talkative, I worry. If he wants some alone time, and it's more than an hour or two, I worry. If he writes an email without the x's and o's on the bottom, I worry. It's retarded! I know it's pretty much in my head, but how do I stop this?

 

It was my birthday last weekend, and he spoiled me rotten. Thoughtful gifts, special activities.... I try to tell myself if something was wrong I'd have seen it there, and it obviously isn't.

 

Am I nuts? If he'd wanted to go, he would have, right? Why am I constantly worried still?

 

Thanks for any insight.....

[secret_agent_man]

If he'd wanted to go, he would have, right? Why am I constantly worried still?

 

That's what I was going to ask you. I see that you already realize this and I'm going to give you the re-assurance that you need right now. Don't worry, he probably figured himself out a bit, and thinking about the future is really scary at first. Just remember, now he has thought about the future, and gotten over some of the worry, and he's still there.

 

Good luck, all of this is natural, just be there for him and work together on this!

 

S.A.M.

[lizzydarcy]

Thank you - yeah, I think I just worry that if I missed the "signals" the first time (it really came out of the blue - we'd been in a bit of a funk, but it had been a long winter and I wasn't worried about it)... well, I worry I'm "blind" and wouldn't see it coming again....

[Princess777]

Let me reassure you, as the site says, you are not alone! Whenever my husband and I argue, it tears me apart inside and I constantly find myself monitoring the little things like you mention and worry that he loves me less as a result. You are not retarded. One thing that I have discovered about most men is that when they argue, they tend to hash it out and then they usually just get over it and forget about it. Unlike we women, they can let things go a lot easier than we can. I think it's just their nature. I am no expert but I have studied relationships quite a bit. After an argument, I want closure that is satisfying to ME, even though he is already satisfied with the make up, and that "beating a dead horse" gets old to him. When I find myself feeling insecure about his seemingly spiteful antics after we have made up, I make a list of the facts. (i.e. you are still his only one, etc.) That will usually get me back in check. And the biggest thing to always remember is that you cannot control how another person acts, only yourself, and if you monitor him too closely it will drive him away.

I hope some of this helps....

P.

[lizzydarcy]

Thank you Princess, that does help....

 

...it's our 4 year anniversary (dating, not married - a whole other issue there) on Sunday, and I've been really good until today, now I'm all worried and scared again, with no real reason.....

 

think it's time to visit the doctor.....