I feel so weak

[Jjasonn28]

Two hours ago, I was smiling. Two hours ago I felt a glimmer of confidence. Two hours ago I had an open compassionate conversation with the former..

 

We miss eachother. We do have love for eachother. We both, are having a hard time being apart, and understanding it fully. We plan on seeing eachother this week, and are really looking forward to it.

 

So why is it, two hours later, I lay on the couch, and cry? We understand eachother. We care so much for eachother yet we are parting ways. I am filled with feelings of self doubt. I lay here, and wonder what it is, that makes me inferior. Why am I not good enough? I know I am far from perfect, but my love has always been true and unconditional with only pure intentions. I would do anything, to keep her smiling. She's not perfect either, but the way she's made, makes me so sure that she's perfect for me.

 

How does it happen. It seems like yesterday, we were so excited to be around eachother. NOTHING else mattered. Through troubling times, at the end of the day, we had eachother.

 

So I'm supposed to learn something from this.. but I cant find the lesson. The only thing that sticks out at the moment, is to not allow myself to be vulnerable. To always keep my guard up. And I know, that is wrong. So what then? Do I need to seek some sort of definate answer? An answer of some sort that maybe im not prepared to hear?

 

We dont want to lose eachother for good. And that I guess, brings me a little peace. But will not being eachothers all, not being partners.. ever be enough?

 

I miss her so much. I miss the person I was, when we were right. Im a stranger to myself.

[Miss M]

Hey Jjasonn, I don't know much about your history, but I want to help. I saw a couple of things in what you wrote, that jumped out at me.

 

I am filled with feelings of self doubt. I lay here, and wonder what it is, that makes me inferior. Why am I not good enough? I know I am far from perfect, but my love has always been true and unconditional with only pure intentions.

Breakups have a way of making us doubt ourselves in very unreasonable ways. When another person makes choices that seem to reject us, we chime in and agree... and we start also rejecting ourselves, believing that we aren't worthy of being loved. But that's really not true at all. Other people make decisions based on their own needs and confusions. It's not necessarily a reflection on you. Try to remember not to take so much responsibility for her decision and confusion. You are NOT inferior. And you ARE good enough. You're in a lot of pain right now, and your feelings are on a roller coaster, but try not to let your self-doubt overwhelm you.

 

So I'm supposed to learn something from this.. but I cant find the lesson. The only thing that sticks out at the moment, is to not allow myself to be vulnerable. To always keep my guard up. And I know, that is wrong. So what then? Do I need to seek some sort of definate answer? An answer of some sort that maybe im not prepared to hear?

I don't know that there is going to be a definite answer. (maybe I need to read more about your situation?) but I don't think it's a good idea to try to keep your guard up. Of course it's perfectly natural and normal to do so for a while after going through a breakup. But hopefully, after you've given yourself some time to heal, you can eventually allow yourself to open up to receive and give love again. Too many people already hide behind thick walls of protection. And too few are able to let love flow freely.

 

I hope you can heal and start feeling better soon.

[friscodj]

Jason-

 

Your posts are always so hard to respond to. Very tough situation...

 

I know you love this woman, but I've been keeping up with things and your life seems to be miserable right now, in general.

 

I know you probably won't do this, because I can tell you are very firm on keeping this woman in your life, but when you guys get together this week...why don't you ask her some of the things you've been asking us? Get answers from her and based on those answers, decide whether you feel it best to share your deepest feelings with her. See what she says...and if she wants to get back together?

 

If not, my friend, I really think you need to put some distance between the two of you for your own benefit. By you being in her life still, she can still have you without having you...I'd be curious to see how she responds if you were really and truly...gone...emotionally and possibly physically...

 

I know you love this woman so much, all I'm saying is to love yourself too! Your posts exude misery on deep levels...I just don't see you on the right track towards peace and healing yet...

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with the last post....

 

Good luck

[daredevil]

QFT.

 

This is the way to do it imo.

[Jjasonn28]

I know you love this woman so much, all I'm saying is to love yourself too! Your posts exude misery on deep levels...I just don't see you on the right track towards peace and healing yet...

 

Im not gonna deny this one bit. On the whole, I am miserable. To be expected I suppose. I mean, its only been 6 weeks since we've been apart, and I am aware this is still very early in the healing process. I know that the first step, should be to better myself. But I still cant find the motivation.. I do have a few things that 'take me away' but at the moment, thats all it is - an escape.

 

I am trying my hardest to be positive, and confident and if my posts are misleading in that I am making progress, I apologize. And you know, ive thought the same thing, about how she would feel if I was gone, physicaly and emotionaly.. to put some distance between us. But then I think about how I would feel, without having her in the same capacity, and the thought is torture.

 

Its so complicated. I really do, sometimes wish that I had reason to resent her. Some thing that would make 'moving on' the easy choice. But that thought, makes me sad too. I am lucky to have been able to share a part of my life with her.

 

Anyways. Thanks, everyone for your posts and support. As always I will keep you updated on how the visit goes.

 

JP

[friscodj]

I am trying my hardest to be positive, and confident and if my posts are misleading in that I am making progress, I apologize. And you know, ive thought the same thing, about how she would feel if I was gone, physicaly and emotionaly.. to put some distance between us. But then I think about how I would feel, without having her in the same capacity, and the thought is torture.

 

Well, I think it comes down to exploring, really searching and deciding whether or not the enduring toture of being in her life outweighs the ultimately temporary torture of creating distance between the two of you and healing and moving on with your emotional life.

 

If you did cut clean with her, it would be sheer and absolute misery for a while, but how much worse could it really be from where you at now? And eventually you would reach a place of peace and understanding with the situation. And this isn't an issue of resent. If you break contact with her, it wouldn't be out of resent, it would be out of respect for yourself and and herself, since you mention she is hurting too...

 

Now if you continue what you're doing now, I see a similar amount of torture for an indefinite amount of time...sort of like getting the surgery done vs. suffering with the ailment. If you continue on this path you're on now, what I think will happen is that at some point, perhaps quite a while from now (e.g., years maybe), something will in essense "snap" or you'll be so worn down from this ordeal that you will become numb to and tired of the situation and emotionally detach anyway.

 

So I think you guys should either get back together and work on the issues that caused the break-up or cut loose and see what the distance does...

[Jjasonn28]

Well, I think it comes down to exploring, really searching and deciding whether or not the enduring toture of being in her life outweighs the ultimately temporary torture of creating distance between the two of you and healing and moving on with your emotional life.

 

So I think you guys should either get back together and work on the issues that caused the break-up or cut loose and see what the distance does...

 

Believe me, I am struggling with this. I realize, that continuing the way we are, I will be subject to a more drawn out pain. On the other hand, cutting her from my life although will undoubtably hurt me more now, I may heal, and move on sooner. And for the moment, being in touch seems like the better choice, only because I cant image the pain of losing her completely.

 

I would love to work on the issues that caused the break-up.... but the problem is, I dont really know what they are. Which is why I am more confused and lost. I cant find understanding, or reason... and its torturing me. The last thing she said to me as a couple was, 'maybe we need to face the possibility that we just arent right for eachother'. I have asked some of the questions. What went wrong? What did I do? Or maybe more importantly, what did I NOT do? And the answers I get are far from what I need to learn any sort of lesson...

 

Okay, so she doesn't love me like the way she used to. But why? And if not, why is SHE also having such a hard time with this? Since the break up, she's called about 4 times very early in the morning, crying because it is hard for her. She has said things like, 'we will always have eachother'..

 

I guess my point is that I am having such a hard time with all of this, because I just dont understand it. If I cut her out of my life now, will I forever wonder? Will being apart of her life lead to understanding?

 

I just dont know.

[friscodj]

Well, my friend, I commend your efforts. You are definitely doing the right thing I think: you seem to be searching and trying very hard at doing so.

 

I really think you should ask her the questions you asked in your last post when you see her this week. I think no matter what her answer, what you want to hear or not, it will ultimately help you out...

 

I would also like to add that you needn't think in such a fatalistic and final way regarding creating distance between you two. Perhaps agree to take a "month completely off" and get in touch on a certain date in a month. See what happens...see what the time apart does...but first see how the talk this week goes...

[Jjasonn28]

Yeah, one step at a time right? I guess first thing first. See how this visit goes.

 

You know... with all my effort to be conscious of not letting hope get the better of me, and recognizing false hope for just what it is.. there is a small part of me that still does hope. I guess if I had absolute zero hope, then I wouldn't be hurting so much...

 

Bottom line is I love her. And was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. Letting go of all hope will definitely take time.

[hosswhispra]

Hello JP,

 

I think it's both a gift and a curse to be 'blessed' with feelings of such strong bonds/attachments/love in life. I understand this, as I believe that I would be feeling the way you do now--if I were in your shoes.

 

Just follow your heart....it's okay to have a glimmer of hope in your heart. I can't believe that it's there for no reason.

 

I will pray for you that you will be okay, no matter how things turn out.

 

hosswhispra

[friscodj]

Just follow your heart....it's okay to have a glimmer of hope in your heart. I can't believe that it's there for no reason.

 

Yeah, if you break it down to the lowest level, no matter what you do, in time, things will shake out on their own...

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

I just got back from the visit. Again, all last night I couldn't sleep. I dont understand why I get so nervous now. I was up until 4:00 am... (but at least I was able to get some Laundry done)

 

Parker and I met her at her house this morning. She came outside and gave me a huge hug. It was a little unexpected... but so very welcome. After a little playtime with Parker, we went out for breakfast.

 

Breakfast was great again. It has always sort of been our 'thing'. We would always try new places... the act of having breakfast and finding these places became an activity that we both looked forward to, and loved to do very much. The fact that we both love food, (especialy breakfast) made it that much more fun. (She is a great chef. And I dont mean cook lol, she trained in England France and Canada.)

 

Anyhow, the food was great, the conversation was great. We had some good laughs, and it was SO nice to be able to share that with her. I briefly thought about bringing up some of the questions that yesterday I wanted answered, but today, I didn't care. I was happy, and still am.

 

Afterwards, we went back to her house, and played in the snow in the back yard. Its so funny watching her and Parker play. Like two five year olds in a winter wonderland. We then went inside, sat on the couch, and just talked for a while. She said that she would like to come visit me next. (She doesn't drive as she sold her car to go back to school). She doesn't think its fair that I am the one who has had to always drive to her. I reassured her that it is by no means a chore.. but she insisted..

 

That struck me as a little odd. That she would want to come here, to visit me.. I think mostly because in the last year, she has been here only three of four times... but meh, whatever.

 

She again, gave me another big hug on the couch, catching me by surprise. I asked what that was for, and she just smiled and said because I wanted to hug you..

 

So, after a little more conversation, she grabbed her books, and I dropped her off at school. We parted with smiles, and for the first time, in a very long time, my heart didn't ache saying goodbye..

 

Is it odd that Im not upset by any of this? Should I be? I would have thought that given the way I've been feeling the last couple days, that I would have been emotionally unstable around her. But I REALLY did enjoy myself, and was comfortable with her.

 

Its almost as though it was a sort of 'therapy' for me. I am all smiles today, and have a spring in my step. God I love her. Experiences like today, will make it VERY hard to cut contact, if I end up going that route...

 

Synopsis: I had and am continuing to have a GREAT day. Walking tall, chin up. The only negative thing I suppose, is that Im now confused about how I SHOULD be feeling.. When the signs point to a breakdown, and I prepare myself for the worst... I have a day like this.. Just confuses me a little more. But I'll not dwell on that right now. For now, I can smile.

 

JP

[friscodj]

Well, Jason, two conflicting thoughts really jump out at me after reading your post:

 

1) You're happy man! That's the Holy Grail of relationships of any kind. Plus, it really sounds like you guys should get back together and give this another shot. Will that happen? It won't if one of you doesn't mention it. But if you do that, you risk losing what you have now. Tough call there. If it were me, I would work to have more of these "get togethers" more frequently. Then things should become more clear...with time...as I said before...for both of you...

 

2) Your last paragraph really tells me that this woman is the source of your happiness rather than the person you want to share your happiness with. You are clearly not happy without her and the only thing that can make you happy is seeing her. Does this mean you guys belong together? Not necessarily... It almost seems like seeing her and spending time with her was a "hit" for you, like a drug, and now you are high... And she might be feeling the same way... You guys do love each other but there was a reason you guys broke up and are not together now...yet you are both "getting high" like this together...

 

So I'm kind of giving you two sides to think about there. Hope it helps...gives you some things to think about.

 

At any rate though, enjoy your happiness!

[hosswhispra]

Hello JP,

 

I am glad to hear that you had a good day! It's obvious to me that you love her and I hope things will go in the direction that you hope for.

 

Positive thoughts,

hosswhispra

 

 

P.S. friscodj It's normal to feel 'high' after seeing and spending time with someone you love so much. That feeling actually happens to everyone in love. Not to get too, too scientific here--but a neurotransmitter called dopamine is released in one's brain when they are in love....and then when one is away from the one they love--they may feel a bit 'down' later on.

[friscodj]

P.S. friscodj It's normal to feel 'high' after seeing and spending time with someone you love so much. That feeling actually happens to everyone in love. Not to get too, too scientific here--but a neurotransmitter called dopamine is released in one's brain when they are in love....and then when one is away from the one they love--they may feel a bit 'down' later on.

 

Agreed, agreed. My point was that there was a reason the relationship didn't work between you two and just becuase this woman makes you feel so good when you are with her doesn't mean you two should get back together before addressing the issue(s) which led to the relationship ending in the first place.

 

Perhaps the drug analogy wasn't 100% accurate here...you do love her afterall...

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys! Thanks for the replies again.

 

Friscodj I think I understand your concern, and its validity. However, to suggest 'she is the source of my happyness' is a term that in its simplicity is (for lack of better words) stark... What I mean is, the state of my happyness isn't solely a direct result of her and her actions.

 

Im not denying that sharing in eachothers lives through love brings me happyness, there is just more to it then a 'love high'. I love her, maybe more importantly I love loving her. And the driving force behind that is my desire to see her happy. To share in the happyness, sadness ups and downs that the journey of life holds. Her smile lifts my spirit, her laugh brings life to life. And when she is sad, and I see her tears, or hear her cry, I want to open my heart, and love her more.

 

But none of this matters yes, because of the issues that lead to us being where are today. And like ive pined over before reasons which I dont fully understand. There is some of the obvioius stuff.... lack of communication. So many times, when I was sad because I hadn't seen her in a week or two, I would put on a face, and try to be strong, or pretend to be. But there has to be more.. more that I dont yet see, or understand.

 

But for now, day by day. And today, I am smiling! We do plan to see eachother more, so I guess I'll take it as it comes.

 

Sending you both hosswhispra and friscodj my deepest gratitude for your continued support. You really have been there for me more than you may realize! And to the rest of you who may be sending me your wishes.. thank you so much!!!

 

Talk to you all soon..

 

JP