The games of dating

[ocrob]

Hi all,

 

I recently posted something regarding my situation and I am sure I will get a lot of negative responses. I am casually dating a woman that I met about two months ago. The first date was really nice and lated for about four hours. We kissed for a long time, but kept it respectable. She went away and wrote me how much she missed me and I did the same. Neither one of us are looking for anything serious and we communicate well on the phone. The second date she drove to my place after flying home the same day from New Jersey. It was an 8 hour day of travel. We spent about two weeks talking, but I could never get her to see me. I asked, but she would never commit. We talk by IM during the day and flirt so much. We saw each other last wednesday. It took a lot of asking for her to see me. Let's just say the date was amazing and we were very intimate with out having sex. She text me two hours later telling me I was very good. The next day she IM'ed me telling me she missed me. I have been talking to her everyday this week by IM and she called me yesterday at work. I am frusterated because I keep asking her out and she says that we will see and today even said no after I said she could. After a little pursuing, she said she would see me saturday. I am very straightforward and tell her that if she is not interested, then I am cool with it. Today, after shutting me down, she said she likes me too. She is sending mixed messages and I have told her this. I don't play games and am very honest. I am getting tired of pursuing her, but it seems she kind of likes it. I am not looking for a realationship, but I love being with this woman and love her company. It is weird because I can't think past the present. I want to see her all of the time, but that is as far as I will go. She flirts with me, loves our intimate times together, but will not commit to seeing me unless I twist her arm. I know most of you will say to blow her off, but she is everything that I want at this point in time. She is an awesome friend, I love talking to her, and I love seeing her. I just want to see her more. She is very sweet and intelligent and am just confused as to what she wants. She knows that I like her, but also knows I am not looking for anything. She is not looking for anything, but says she likes me. It just seems we should hang out and see what happens. She is very sarcastic, sweet, and sometimes blunt, which I like. I love to pursue, if I think a woman likes it. It seems she does and it seems I have to be very persistent to see her. I hope we make love this weekend, which I am sure we will. I am just so thrown off why she will not make plans with me. I am guessing she may be dating several guys and many women do. She may like a guy and just not want to tie up her plans incase he asks. I know the game, but don't play it. If I want to see a woman, then I ask and will keep asking until they say no. I am really just venting because I am sure most will say she is not into me, but I think she is. I am just confused why a woman into a guy would not want to see him more? I love venting on this site and love hearing everyone's opinions. You all are awesome.

[goddess23]

she seems scared because frankly when you like someone so much how do you comprehend not committing. how can you put your heart out on the table and go on these dates taht are so amazing and know that the guy is like well i dont want to say ill just date you because i want to see other women? honestly it seems like shes scared and no matter what when things like this happen its NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to not get emotinally attached. otherwise she might just enjoy the chase and the game...but it seems like shes just apprehensive about getting more involved in something that appears to have no future. she may claim she doesnt want a relationship, maybe she was being true, and maybe being with you like this is too difficult for her because she doesnt want a relationship.

[ocrob]

Goddess, that was a very cool post. I am totally unsure of what she wants. Sometimes I think she is afraid of getting too close and other times I think she just does not care. The tough thing for me is that I like her and want to get to know her, but am very apprehensive to get close with someone. We are both very complimentry to each other and flirt a lot. She made it clear that she just wants to date and have fun. I am sort of in the same boat. I am afraid to get attached, but I do want to see her more and spend time with her. I am not looking for a relationship and at the same time, not looking for just sex. I just don't want to think about the future and just spend time with her. Wouldn't you agree that if you are interested in someone, then you would say yes when they ask you out? It is just weird to me. I am very affectionate with her and have told her that I like her. At the same time, I tell her that I have no expectations and am fine being friends. Maybe that sends the wrong message, but that is how I feel at this point. I like her and want to see her all of the time, but don't want to jump into anything.

[valenski]

Maybe she is just as confused as you dude, I mean she's not interested in a relationship and then this guy (you) come along saying pretty much the same but she is getting too close so she kind of ease you away as to not get wrapped up thinking of you and eventually gets hurt. I Guess thats one of the bad things about open relationships.

[patience]

ocrob,

 

It sounds like you really like this woman. You've liked her since day one, and you are no longer interested in the other woman. Obviously you want to date her, spend time with her, get to know her...that's normal. She seems resistant for some reason, or maybe her interest in you isn't as great as your interest in her. It happens.

 

Is it possible that her ambivalence and unavailability is causing you to want her more? Is it possible that you are more attracted to her than you would be if she was more available? Are there any dynamics at work here that may be affecting your emotions? Analyze the situation, try to get some emotional distance, and be honest with yourself about what is going on here. Remember, you weren't attracted to the available woman who showed consistent interest in you. (okay, she may be a bit 'off', but still, she was available, and your response to that was to feel smothered, right?)

 

Is this a long distance situation? Perhaps she is not inclined to pursue a LDR?

 

When I like a guy, I say 'yes' when he asks me out. I don't need to think about it, and I don't say 'we'll see' and all that nonsense. She may be teasing you, or she may be into those weird dating rules than some women unfortunately follow. Maybe she senses that you're more into her than she is into you? Maybe she is picking up on a desperate vibe? (just making some guesses here)

 

I think the best thing to do would be to talk with her, in person, about your concerns. Be non-confrontational though. After two months, I would want to know where I stood. It doesn't take a woman two months to know if she is into a man or not, so don't fall for lines and so forth.

 

Be careful with your heart here. Do not sleep with her if she is jerking you around. Don't set yourself up for pain. If she keeps doing the push/pull thing, I'd start to wonder if that is just the way she is. Some women are ambivalent by nature, and it is very confusing...and it will totally mess with your head.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Just the fact that you knew we would say you should stay away tells me you know its a bit dangerous. I agree with patience that you should be careful.

[Huntville123]

My situations seems similar, but I can tell your an adult probably, and Im a teen. Same thing, I told her 2 weeks into it of being told excuses for not going out Im cool with no relationship. She says no, I still want to. It will be 1 1/2 months soon since our first date, cause she already said "ehhhh...excuses...excuses" to this weekend. She still wants me to call her, and apparently im her prom date from a good friend, but Im not suppost to know and I know nothing about it. Sunday Im asking again why she never wants to do anything, and if your like me your tired of turning other people down for stuff til you hear from her, then she throwns some bull * * * * right back at ya, and you may be missing out on something you want to do. Ive got a * * * * it, I dont care attitude right now, and I think its the only way to go when someones like this.

[ocrob]

Patience, I always love hearing your advice. You say some really amazing things. I do think I am attracted to her because she is being distant. It is weird because she says she likes me and tells me she misses me when I am not telling her. I am guessing she is afraid of getting attached. The truth is that I do like her and want to spend time with her, but that is all. I really don't know if I would want to get serious with her. You say not to have sex, but that is something that I really want. Sorry, but I am a guy. I have expressed myself with her a few times and will have a talk with her. I honestly don't care if she is not interested, but I don't want to wonder anymore. She sends mixed messages and I have told her this. I have been missing her lately and I don't like that. That is why I went NC with my ex. I don't like having to put in too much effort to see someone. I think we will have fun saturday and maybe that will be our last. When we are together she seems to really like me, but I don't like it when I ask someone out and they don't say yes. Your advice was valid and I will keep you posted. I am not emotionally attached, but am interested and just want to spend time with her.

[JC3]

I think that you are the one who is sending mixed signals. You want a casual dating relationship yet you want to see her all of the time. Your behavior and your words are not congruent. At times of trouble, you need to look within yourself to find what you are or are not doing. I think that you sound conflicted and not sure of what you want. If you want a casual friendship/dating then you can't expect her to drop everything to be with you. It seems to me that you words say you want casual, but then your behavior says that you want a relationship and to be more close to this woman. Instead of expecting her to change, change yourself and the relationship will follow once you are being true to yourself.

[NJRon]

I think JC3 hit it on the head. If you're looking for something casual, you need to act casual. Don't ask her out all the time. In fact, if she wants to hang out she should ask you sometimes. It's all about pacing and distance. Not to mention, maybe she is seeing other people also, which makes it pretty difficult to focus on one person.

[ocrob]

JC3 I think you gave some really good advice. I do think it is possible to like someone and want to spend time with them with out thinking about the future. I would agree that I am a little unsure of what I want. I just know that I like spending time with her. I don't expect her to drop everything to see me. I ask her out way in advance and that is probably why she has a problem saying yes because she may have something else she wants to do or just does not like to commit her time. I am sort of the same way. We have only seen each other three times in two months so I would say it is pretty casual. I think that I will take your advice. It is ironic because I am on the other side the another woman. I told her I want to keep things completely casual and don't want to be in a relationship or get involved with her. She calls me everyday and asks to see me everday. I sure hope I am not doing the same with the woman that I like. I will ease off and see what happens. I guess my problem is that I don't know what I want. I am afraid of getting attached to this woman, but really love her company. I will keep you posted.

[patience]

ocrob,

 

You want to date this woman, and dating involves seeing the person. Dating is supposed to be lots of fun, right?

 

How often do you contact the woman you like? How often are you the one initiating contact?

 

How can you possibly know what you want long-term when you've only seen her three times? You're open to dating her and getting to know her, that should be enough for her to hear. It would be foolish to just jump into a relationship. You deserve the fun getting-to-know you dating part.

 

Are you open to the possibility that dating her could lead to more? It's okay to say that to her.

 

She is dating others, isn't she? Have you considered that she may be sleeping with other guys? Can you handle that?

 

Why are you afraid of getting attached to her? Have you identified what the true fear is?

[ocrob]

Patience, you ask some really good questions. I definitely want to get to know her and would never jump into a relationship. I am open to the possibility of dating could lead to more. Just a quick update. She called me yesterday and asked to see me. We had an amazing day. We also have plans tomorrow. We did talk a lot yesterday and she is dating a couple of guys and also said she is not sleeping with anyone. And yes, I could handle it. The reason I am afraid of getting attached is because of the pain I went through with my last break up. Anyway, at the moment things are good. Next week could be a whole different story.

[patience]

Awesome news! Woo hoo!

 

Focus on the positive, and take it one day at a time. Don't worry about next week. Stay in the present.

 

She is choosing to see you this weekend, the weekend before Valentine's Day...that is SUCH a good sign! Think about it.

 

Good luck and keep us posted! She likes you!

[ocrob]

Hi patience, we spent a really nice day together today. I don't know if she likes me, but I will say that I am happy with the last two days we spent together.