have this friend...

[agd4895]

so i have this friend whos the same age as i am at my college. we met each other and we have grown pretty close in the last couple of months.

 

i have a pretty big crush on him, but he doesn't know about my sexuality (only one other person does). The thing is, i can't tell whether he is gay or not. his facebook says he is interested in women, but i never talk about women with him and he rarely talks about women with me. most of my other straight friends will make the comment "oh wow she's pretty hot". whenever someone says that around him he usually vaguely agrees or sometimes doesn't say anything. he will never say something like that himself . he is very moral--doesn't drink, smoke, virgin sort of person. in some ways i really admire that...which is why we're pretty close (cause i am also that way). he is sort of a perfectionist but isn't too effeminite or anything. we do almost everything together and i want things to go further, but want to try and figure him out without directly asking him questions he might be uncomfortable with. i'm not sure if he's ever had a girlfriend. as far as family, they seem really supportive. i've heard things about distant fathers and overbearing mothers, but his family doesn't seem like that at all. we like to push each other around in a joking way and he constantly talks to me online and sends me all these messages when i'm away asking where i've been. sometimes it almost gets flirtatious.

 

people joke about us when we get together and say "r u guys on another date tonight" we laugh at it and it doesnt seem to bother him. i dunno. i'm upset, cause he's someone i want to get closer with. we're so much alike and i dont' know how to go about doing this. he wants to room with me next year and i plan on rooming with him. i don't want anything sudden that will ruin our friendship, but i want this to go a lot further. i dunno what to do and i can't tell if he's gay or not! help!

[Tigris]

If he's not the kind of guy that gossips about other people to your friends then why don't you ask if you can confide in him? If you're not happy with that idea then broach the subject that you have some gay friends or a gay cousin and see how he reacts to the conversation.

 

Good luck

[Imaginary]

If you really, really, really, really feel like you can trust him, and you are sure he might not out you by spreading it around, then you could come out to him. Yeah, sounds hard, but sometimes, it's the only way, unless you have the (in?)famous gaydar.

[sexyguy2004]

wow i can honestly say that i am also in the same situation that you are in! haha yeah and i will start by saying that the whole facebook thing means nothing...my facebook profile says interested in women! but yeah i have friend and we have been cool since freshman yr and have only gotten closer...and we pretty much spend as much time together as possible (he just left here just now to go to bed...class @ 8 for him)! But yeah i also get the whole "r u two dating", or "you two act like a couple" or something similar! we have never mentioned gay/bi...although he always calls me gay jokingly and we do talk about gurls...i mean i do still find gurls attractive!

 

now im guessin ur at this points...u wanta say something and get it over with (whether is his gay or not) but ur afraid of what he may think/how he may react if in fact he isnt gay! from my perspective...this guy and i are in the same fraternity so its too much at stake for me...but think about it and if u wanta go for it!

 

...like he comes over and we lay in my bed together and watch movies...etc (things that dont necessarily make us gay but could b a sign) and 1 of my friends told me to perhaps throw on a porn as a joke then say something like "u have to see this"...and eventually we will both get aroused..then say something like "i really need to jerk off" and depending on his response...that could be a start! LOL idk i havent tried that but tryn to help u out

 

pm me if u need more or wanta chat!

[chblueguy]

wow, agd...that sounds like me last year. There was a guy I had gotten close with since coming to college and his facebook said interested in women too. We never talked about women, and he was a virgin, although he drank. I had the feeling he was gay, but didn't really have any proof until i saw gay porn on his computer.

 

Anyway, I got over him eventually. But in your case, if you want to be with him, start by asking him how he feels about men and homosexuality and stuff. Try doing it through facebook or email if face-to-face is too hard for you. I played a guessing game for too long and it costed me too much time. I would hate to see you waste too much time waiting and wondering. Just confront him and let the cards fall in place.

[Prufrock06]

agd,

 

Been there, done that. My advice to you is to build up enough courage to bring this issue off the backburner -- it's probably the only way that you'll get some peace of mind. I sympathize with how troublesome this situation can be but you can start off slowly. Like others have suggested, try broaching the topic of homosexuality or homosexual-related issues to "test the waters" and get his bearing on these issues. If he seems pretty receptive to talking about such things, then you can go from there and consider coming out to him.

[agd4895]

UHHH this is so frustrating/disappointing/typical. So my friend finally confessed to me that he called a girl to ask her out. She hasn't returned his phone call yet, but this is what I feared would happen the most. I learned he has never had a girlfriend before, which interested me. I have the feeling he is trying to do this to prove something to everyone that gives him a hard time for being a virgin and not having a gf. He's sort of an idealist, so it's something he would pull off. Last night we hung out the entire night and went back to my room to watch movies till 2. We pretty much do everything together...which is why this is so frustrating.

 

I feel like a terrible person since I don't want him to start that relationship. How selfish huh? Ugh maybe he isn't gay after all and I'm living this fantasy that he is...just like EVERY OTHER guy I've had feelings for. I feel like there is nobody to relate to anymore and I'll never find a relationship w/someone similar to me.

 

Any suggestions?

[Imaginary]

You should try to let it go, as hard as it may be. Specially now that he has a girlfriend, because if you keep thinking that he is dating her to prove something, and keep thinking he is gay, you will try to find evidence to support your claim. And your mind can make said evidence appear, and you will just confuse yourself.

[FoxLocke]

I feel like a terrible person since I don't want him to start that relationship. How selfish huh? Ugh maybe he isn't gay after all and I'm living this fantasy that he is...just like EVERY OTHER guy I've had feelings for. I feel like there is nobody to relate to anymore and I'll never find a relationship w/someone similar to me.

 

Any suggestions?

 

You aren't selfish, just a guy in love. Right now I am going through the samething that you are, except that everyone--including me--thinks that my crush is gay. Likewise, no one suspects my sexuality.

From the way you are talking your friend reminds me alot of myself. I used to go on dates with girls, and I tried really hard to have a "normal" relationship. However, none of it worked and I finally accepted my true self.

Your friend coud very well be repressing his true feelings...Or he could be straight, you never know.

 

My advice to you is to make a clean break. I know if may sound cruel, but being madly in love with someone who won't return your feelings sucks really bad. I have been there and done it before. I mean the two of you can be cordial to one another, but if you are very infatuated with him it is best to put some distance between the both of you.

[agd4895]

Just want to start by thanking everyone for the advice. i thought a lot of it over and much of it helped.

 

Here's a little update about what has happened the past two months for me and him. I ended my last post with him asking a girl to come to dinner with us. well, that thing with the girl never worked out cause she had 'homework' on a friday night. it seemed she didn't have any interest in him and he gave up on her really easily, like he didn't even care really.

 

well now we are practically best friends. we often call each other brothers and he said that we were 'inseparable'. he still constantly talks to me and we hang out for hours everyday. we sometimes get flirty and touchy feely and i really like that, but it ends there. it's almost as if he's asexual, but that can't be right. he shows little desire towards women and whenever people accuse him of being gay he never says anything in response. i found out he has never had a girlfriend, while all his friends from home do.

 

my question is...how do i make a move without ruining a friendship. it might sound ridiculous but sometimes i just want to kiss him so bad. it seems like he would rather hang out with me than a girl. HOW DO YOU ASK SOMEONE IF HE/SHE IS GAY??? i dont' want them to feel awkward at all, but it is such an awkward thing to ask. it's such a big step to ask something like that in a friendship you know? we have a such a strong connection that i want this to progress and not stay the way it is when i could be searching for other people. thanks in advance...

[Imaginary]

Just come out. Chances are, if he is, he will tell you as well. And he sounds trustworthy, from what you have said.

[chblueguy]

I think the only way of really getting him to come out is for you to do the same. I think you can trust him with your secret. Just don't waste all of your time on him. Like I said earlier, I did the same thing and I got my heart broken. I'd say go ahead, come out to him, see if it goes anywhere, and if it doesn't, please move on. There's too many (maybe??) good men out there for you to be stuck on him. If not for your sake, then do it just to give him time to possibly work out his issues and then maybe you can come back to this later.