feeling tainted.....

[teacup]

im feeling extremely traumatized right now. i have this selfblame in me for inviting trash into my life. i am such a fool and so stupid. i really am stupid for allowing these rotten men access to me when all the warning signs that they werent any good for me were already there..........yuck. i could throw up.....i feel disturbed because of it. such lowclass, ghetto, not nice, not kind, not sincere or honest ppl........i want to cut myself, in an attempt to bleed out the poison i feel inside, to let out some of the violent, angry, sad, traumatized feelings i have inside.......i feel so dirty.

 

i shower and shower and shower but it doesnt help. i still feel dirty. i have permanently, completely and totally cut off such ppl. i have changed my cellphone number. i screen my home phone number. i am no longer giving out my home phone number ever again, only cell. i am not giving out personal information, or email addresses unless the email address is impersonal and easily changeable. i am not telling ppl too personal information. i will not answer or let these ppl contact me. i will not let them have access to anything about me or who i am. they will move on to abuse others.

 

yet i am feeling so gross. i feel like such an idiot and fool for allowing trash near me. i feel dirty and disgusted at the way i let myself be treated, without pride, selfesteem or selfrespect. i made sick decisions. i did sick things that if given the chance, i would never ever ever do again or make the same decision or decisions. i will not let bad sick ppl have access to me no matter what.

 

yet in the midst of it all, i still feel do dirty. i feel tainted. that is a good word, tainted, poisoned, dirty from the abuse, and from association and influence from rotten disgusting men.....and believe me, these men were the worst......the kind that play women, disrespect women, look at women like servants and meat, play games, lie, cheat.....

 

i am an idiot! im tainted! im poisoned!!! i want to bleed it out. i am physically away and have absolutely no contact with them. to be doubly sure, i cut off association and contact with ppl that even know the men i met. this makes me feel a bit safer. any other ways i can make myself safe?

 

i feel violently ill.

[friscodj]

Please go see a professional about this ASAP...

[Strandysmommy]

Agreed! See someone, you're feeling dangerous right now and you're feeling dangerous toward yourself which isn't good. It sounds trite, but don't cut yourself- that's only physically hurting you and you don't need that. See someone, talk to them...and also take up kickboxing or something. Get a punching bag and go banzaii on it.

[teacup]

im going to counseling. and im not cutting. i dont think i would do that....i like my pretty arms too much. but i do have these feelings......

 

i feel so dirty. i dont want to be associated with trashy ppl. it makes me feel low, worthless and like dirt. like i am one of them but im not!! im too good for them. yuck.

[suprema99]

Hey teacup, Don't worry yourself to much. If you feel this way you'll change it. Yes, you wanna be with people that make you feel good about yourself always. You like yourself, and that's a good thing. goodluck

[teacup]

gah......but i dont know how to get rid of the ugly feelings inside. i already got rid of the bad people. i think i have done everything i could to get rid of them and to get them away from me and to have NO access to me or my life or anything about me. but i still feel dirty and gross.......

 

that is why i feel like selfinjury.......*cries*. this is something i dont know how to deal with.

[suprema99]

Hey teacup, you said you got away from all that, that's a good start. Keep it up. Your wired for some reason to get yourself in these situations. Now that your aware of it, it's a good start. When people tell you to seek professional help right away I see that as you reading it thinking your nuts or something. I think it's normal for you to feel this way. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

[Itsok]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

 

However, remember these feelings the next time that you are tempted by a man who is clearly not a good person for you to associate with.

 

You don't need the guilt, the pressure or the suffering that is the 'afterglow' of such associations, so be sure to keep that in mind when assessing if someone is a good match for you.

 

Hugs!

[ShySoul]

*HUGS Teacup

 

Hey teacup. Come on, give us a smile now. It's going to be ok.

 

You have gone through bad experiences in the past. You have been hurt and have made mistakes. But the past is the past. Think about the present and the future. You are getting help to get through this, that's good. And you have vowed to not make the same mistakes. You can do that, you can end up with the kind of life you want. The past isn't the future, things can and will be better. It's not worth hurting yourself over.

 

Keep reading your sig, it fits you perfectly.

 

"You will change from someone who loves so much it hurts into someone who loves herself enough to stop the pain"

 

“The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past it cannot change.”

 

You are a strong and good person. You will get through the pain. It is a long and difficult road, the scars stay with you for a long time. But you can and you will end up better off and happy. I know it. Believe that and believe in yourself.