saw my ex just now, not sure i handled myself well, need objective opinions please

[deejay74]

well, i saw my ex today.

 

i live in new york city and so does she. i had to transfer trains and take the one accross the platform. when i crossed, i saw her on the opposite side of the tracks (accross 2 tracks) waiting for her train going in the opposite direction. she was alone, but my heart stopped when i saw her. we made eye contact - i had my ipod headphones on (it wasn't on) and i was reading a book - she had headphones on too.

 

i waved and i said hi, she took her earphones out and waved too. i asked her how she was doing and she said she was doing good, then she asked me how i was doing and all i could do was smirk, shrug my shoulders and say "eh". i feel really stupid for doing that b/c i wanted to do just the opposite and show that i was doing really well. i was caught off guard by this whole thing.

 

she then said to me "i heard you're moving" - which i am but i never told her and she doesn't know any of my friends so i don't know why she said "heard" - so i said "what?!" and then she said, "i saw that you're moving" - the only way she knows is from a friendster bulletin posting i made. [EDIT] she lives in brooklyn and i live in queens and she asked me where i was moving to and i told her i was moving to brooklyn, she kind of laughed (like she thought it was ironic i guess). i told her i was moving in with a friend of mine that she met before. [/EDIT]

 

anyway, after she said this i then looked down and continued reading my book. i glanced up and we both looked at eachother at the same time but then i looked away. her train came and she smiled and waved good bye, i waved back and she got in the train. she didn't sit by the window and she could've and i wished she did because i never really smiled this whole time we were talking. i wanted her to sit by the window so i could smile and wave goodbye but the opportunity wasn't there.

 

it was reallly awkward talking to her accross the tracks. i wanted to signal to her to meet upstairs so we could chat but i didn't. i really wished i could've smiled but all i could do was to give a half-a**ed fake smile/smirk. i don't know if she felt awkward too.

 

so can someone give me an objective point of view on what just happened? i tend to over-analyze and blow things out of proportion, so any input would be appreciated.

 

thanks.

[redhook]

You were fine man. It is hard to keep even that much composure when seeing a ex.

[red10]

who did the breaking up and why?

 

but i would say you did fine...we always over analyse our actions in our minds after the matter - it's natural...i just had a little contact w/ me ex through IM...short coversation, but i kept reading the words as if i was going find any more answers - the things that go through our heads....but really, you did well - kept limited contact, and hey, you're moving! so keep moving on and you'll be okay

[deejay74]

who did the breaking up and why?

 

but i would say you did fine...we always over analyse our actions in our minds after the matter - it's natural...i just had a little contact w/ me ex through IM...short coversation, but i kept reading the words as if i was going find any more answers - the things that go through our heads....but really, you did well - kept limited contact, and hey, you're moving! so keep moving on and you'll be okay

 

she broke up with me 2 days before new years because she felt "overwhelmed" being in a relationship while trying to focus on her school and her goals. she is a very busy person and does a lot outside of work and school that's related to her studies and her goals.

 

the funny thing is, she lives in brooklyn and she asked me where i was moving and ironically, i am moving to brooklyn too. i forgot to mention this in my post, i think i am going to edit it after i post this. anyway, i am moving in with a friend of mine that she met, so i told her who i was moving in with.

[DN]

I wouldn't read into this anything other than a casual meeting You handled it ok and if she wanted to have talked more she would have.

 

Keep moving on - you will be fine before too long.

[Msnak]

Do you want this person back? You seem to care about her perception of you.

[red10]

oh sorry, i thought you were moving farther away....anyway - so you're moving closer and with a friend of yours - brooklyn is tons fun, keep yourself busy and really really try to do NC - if you see her, it's okay to say hi, but keep it simple.

 

give her some time, maybe she really is overwhelmed with all that's going on in her life and she feels she won't be able to put in as much in the relationship as you want to, she might just think it's not fair - give her the time she wants, really try to stay away from her, but if you bump into her - just be friendly!

 

so much easier said than done...i know!!!!

[deejay74]

oh sorry, i thought you were moving farther away....anyway - so you're moving closer and with a friend of yours - brooklyn is tons fun, keep yourself busy and really really try to do NC - if you see her, it's okay to say hi, but keep it simple.

 

give her some time, maybe she really is overwhelmed with all that's going on in her life and she feels she won't be able to put in as much in the relationship as you want to, she might just think it's not fair - give her the time she wants, really try to stay away from her, but if you bump into her - just be friendly!

 

so much easier said than done...i know!!!!

 

hey i have been. the last time we spoke was exactly 2 weeks ago today. during that conversation, she said she didn't want any awkwardness in her life when we were on the topic of us being friends so this whole interaction i had with her seemed really awkward to me, which is the last thing i want.

 

this experience has made me realize that i can't be friends with her right now.

 

but again, i have been instituting NC. she sent me a text message over the weekend telling me this one specialty sneaker store by her house had these shoes i was looking for and i didn't even reply. i am giving her exactly what she wants and i have improved since the break up.

 

me seeing her today brought to the surface some feelings i hadn't felt since the time of the break up, though.

 

anyway, thanks for your response.

[red10]

stay strong, and you seem to know what you need to do - lol, we all know what we need to do, but actually sticking to it is the tough part!

 

i know what you mean though - i didn't even see my ex, just had a conversation through IM and i'm fuming right now - just really annoyed i broke NC, but like you said, this experience has made me realize that i can't be friends with my ex either....at least for now!

 

and try to keep the focus on what YOU want and need, not what she wants -don't forget to take care of yourself first! after all, that's what she's doing.

[deejay74]

Do you want this person back? You seem to care about her perception of you.

 

at first yes, now i am not so sure. i mean, just look at what my sig is! LOL!

 

yes, i do care about her perception of me because i still care about her a great deal. i value her opinions, especially ones about me. not that i base my life around her opinions.

 

but i think it's all about perception in these instances. i think if she detects that i am still affected by the break which happened a month and a week ago, it may seem like i am weak and that i haven't been getting on with my life. don't you think it's better to appear happy and strong, even if you don't care about your ex's opinion of you? i think it's always good to appear that way in any situation. having self-confidence is a good thing, i just don't know if i displayed any in my situation here.

[healinginnyc81]

Hey, I think you handled yourself really well. But you're definitely too concerned with her perception of you. Try to imagine that she's just a regular friend, would you be so worried about what she thought? You have Self confidence when you don't worry what people think. I understand that you are concerned with what she thinks, I'm that way too whenever I see my ex, I start thinking about my posture and what I'm wearing because deep down I want her to be attracted to me. In any case, I'm pretty sure neither of our ex's are analyzing us that closely, so forget about what she may have thought about you. Keep going strong, I can tell you've been doing much better.

[deejay74]

Try to imagine that she's just a regular friend, would you be so worried about what she thought? You have Self confidence when you don't worry what people think. I understand that you are concerned with what she thinks, I'm that way too whenever I see my ex, I start thinking about my posture and what I'm wearing because deep down I want her to be attracted to me. In any case, I'm pretty sure neither of our ex's are analyzing us that closely, so forget about what she may have thought about you. Keep going strong, I can tell you've been doing much better.

 

thanks bkjsun. i hope you're right with regards to our ex's not analyzing us.

 

but it is hard to imagine her as just a regular friend when we've been intimate and close with each other. to be honest, i am trying to build my self confidence back up since the break up and i don't think i had that much today when i saw her b/c it brought back the pain of being hurt.

[gratefulpain]

whoa... you did awesome... I dont know if I could have been cool for that long... Mr. cool... my ex would immediate go for the jugular and the we would have abig heated emotional blaming argument.... I hope the Man upstairs spares me that confrontation... 1 minute I hate her the other I miss her...which lets me know i have more healing to do.... so I try to stay focused listen to good advice and regain my self respect.... the day she anounced she was seeing another guy,,, i curled up and wanted to die... I made it throgh the night from hell... and I wear that memory like a badge of honor like I came back from vietnam or something....today I cried a bit driving home from work... not sure why..probably because i kept playing the mental tapes of our good times.....

 

hang tough

[Msnak]

You'll need some time to keep getting over her, but I wasn't sure if you wanted her back or someone else.

 

Maybe it's the good qualities about her that you find yourself drawn to. Perhaps you can figure out what those were, and find a woman with those.

 

Of course, that's easier said than done!

[deejay74]

i almost wish i didn't see her last night.

 

i couldn't sleep at all b/c i was thinking about the interaction we had over and over again and seeing her made me miss her all over again.

 

ugh, now i am upset - it feels like another set back.

 

 

[AwdreeHpburn]

I know what you're saying about wanting to appear like you're fine without her as she appears fine without you.

 

Just from what you've written... about her texting you, bringing up your move, thinking about you when she sees the shoes she knows you wanted...seems to me like she wants to remain friendly. You are probably someone she cares about as well, even if the "relationship" isn't what she wanted.

 

I get the feeling you are not in a place where you can be friends right now though, and you shouldn't try. I think the appearance that you've moved on and are doing OK will show in the NC.

 

good luck dude. If you need strength or a place to vent, this is it!

[deejay74]

sorry to be posting here again, i guess i am regressing a bit...

 

after seeing my ex the other night, i haven't been able to stop thinking about her and especially how much i miss her.

 

i keep wanting to get in touch with her via email, but i know i shouldn't and i think everyone on here would agree. getting in touch with her through email is would be a lot easier to do than to call or talk to her face to face though, and i do want to stay in touch.

 

why does it have to be this way? why did i feel awkward when i saw her? i love her and i did my best in the relationship and i once felt so comfortable around her and now it's different. makes me sad.

 

if i was secure with myself, would it matter so much what she's doing, who's she may be seeing, wondering if she's thinking about me? i don't know. all i know is i really don't want her out of my life but right now i can't even have her in it as a friend.

 

once again, i have taken a few steps back in my progress...

[NJRon]

That's just the normal way it is. The important thing is that you are moving forward overall. I think, while you felt awkward with the meeting, it didn't seem all that awkward to me, as an outsider.

 

It has only been about 6 weeks. That's no time at all. I'm secure with myself and I *still* wonder the same things about my ex and it's been over 4 months... I just don't obsess over it anymore.

 

You'll feel better after some more NC. Feel good about yourself for how you handled the situation, I think you did great.

[healinginnyc81]

I agree with NJRon, it's not a matter of being secure with yourself. You're feeling the loss and that's perfectly normal to be thinking of her. I think you handled yourself well.

 

Keep going strong with NC. You don't need her in your life right now. You don't need to keep in touch with her. And I don't think you've taken steps back in your progress at all.

[deejay74]

I agree with NJRon, it's not a matter of being secure with yourself. You're feeling the loss and that's perfectly normal to be thinking of her. I think you handled yourself well.

 

Keep going strong with NC. You don't need her in your life right now. You don't need to keep in touch with her. And I don't think you've taken steps back in your progress at all.

 

thanks njron and bkjsun.

 

it does feel like i have taken steps back, though. i wish i didn't want it to be her whenever i get an email, phone call, or text message.

 

i am starting to feel wishy-washy in a way, especially on here. i know sometimes when i post it seems like i am doing well, and others (like now) it seems like i am not. i apologize for appearing that way but i get so confused sometimes.

 

thanks for everyone's response.

[NJRon]

Things will even out in time, be patient with yourself. You'll find the times when you feel strong to start staying longer than the times you feel week. Eventualy, the weak feeling will be over taken entirely. But it doesn't happen like a light switch... it's just a slow and steady increase.

 

Two steps forward and one back is still getting you where you need to be.

[Nathalie1970]

Iwantherback,

 

You did a whole lot better than I would. NJron is right, one day at a time, there will be set backs but you need to focus on the positives right now.

 

Keep up the good work

[vesper]

it was just a chance meeting and you were just fine considering that you she is your ex and there are feelings there. now that you are moving closer together there are probably other occasions where their may be 'chance' meetings. take care of yourself and focus on letting go then you can truly be relaxed!! next time you see her it will not phase you!!

[healinginnyc81]

hey iwantherback, you mentioned that sometimes you appear good and sometimes you don't seem that well. If you look at my posts over the last two months, you'll see how up and down I have been. These are cycles that we go through as we heal. There are several issues that we are dealing with here so each time we deal with something and get through it we feel good. We see something a little more clear and we feel better but then some other thought comes in and bothers us. Seeing the ex made it harder, but you probably would have seen something else that reminded you of her and gotten down from that. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I'm just saying that every time you get down it's not setting you back to the beginning, you're actually going deeper into yourself and your feelings and thoughts. So each time you get through a down cycle, you're stronger than you were before and you've reached a new stage in the healing.

 

Like Njron said, the times you feel strong will last longer and longer and the times you feel down will be shorter and shorter. Pretty soon, you won't even remember being down. You're doing really well considering your encounter with the ex. Many of us would have broken down and started asking the ex about the relationship and then probably called the ex the next day. Give yourself credit for your successes instead of focusing on things you think you did wrong. Keep it up, man.

[Msnak]

Hello, Iwant---

 

You're doing excellent. Everyone's right about the ups and downs. I'm on a rollercoaster ride, and the switch seems to be broken! I want this ride to end!

 

Let this be the place to vent and think aloud. You might learn something new about the relationship that will teach you something to use in the future. Never know.