I feel bitterness approaching

[confusedmama]

I haven't posted here for a long time, another story, but I could sure use some clear-headed help. There are so many issues right now, but the one keeping me up at night is I am getting ready to withold visitation from my husband b/c he refuses to pay child support. We had an agreement in Dec. and b/c nothing was signed(his choice) he now states he doesn't have to pay $$ for his children.

 

Some background, we have 3 boys ages 11,8,4 and since he moved out in June he has paid a total of $800, except for Dec. he paid $480(instead of what was agreed) and in Jan $650 (the agreed upon amount, until court).

I feel he is getting the best of both worlds, no accountablity for his actions. He pays no money and sees the kids at his convience.

 

The problem is, I know the boys need to see their father and I hate to put them in the middle but I feel I have no other course of action available. I cannot keep living on the credit cards to make ends meet. Any suggestions?

[novaseeker]

Hmmm.

 

I would not recommend withholding visitation as a retaliation for non-payment of child support, simply because courts often don't look at things that way (he's not paying for access to the kids) and it could make you look bad before a family law judge. I'd recommend checking with your lawyer first ... if your lawyer says it's okay to do that, then you may wish to, otherwise you could be doing more harm than good.

 

What does your divorce decree say about custody, visitation and child support? Do you have a divorce decree yet? If you have a divorce decree, you can go to the court and get an order to enforce it and even an order to garnish his wages for the support. If you don't have a divorce decree, you can go to the courts and get the judge to make a support award and at the same time determine reasonable custody and visitation. But in any case, you should ask your lawyer how to proceed in either case.

[confusedmama]

We have no divorce decree, he wanted to do this without going to court and so I waited and sent workable, in my opinion, solutions through my lawyer that he refused time after time. He finally got a lawyer and that is when he started paying support. Although it may seem as if it is retailitory, and i guess it is, it is also realistic in that we have nothing in writing giving him visitation. In the state where I live, with no papers stating otherwise, whoever has physical custody is the one in charge of the kids, in other words the police can do nothing if i refuse visitation.

 

I know it won't look good before a judge and I think that is my problem, but I also know I can't allow him to walk all over me anymore. He is playing games and my children are suffering because of it.

[novaseeker]

I live in Virginia as well.

 

You're right about the police, but really you should (1) go to the family law courts and get an order about custody, support and visitation and (2) enforce it. That's the way to get clarity on the support amount, get an enforceable decree about it, and also get the custody situation clarified. You're going to eventually want a divorce decree, otherwise you're not legally divorced, and if you restrict visitation in retaliation for child support failures, you'll end up hurting yourself before the judge.

 

So I'd recommend not letting him walk all over you by going to the court and getting an order about support, custody and visitation, rather than taking things into your own hands. It sounds like he is being recalcitrant, and in that scenario really the only thing you can do is go to court, as annoying as that process can be.

[confusedmama]

I can't go to family law courts b/c we have a court date set for March. I am in a circling pattern. We had a court date in Dec. for Family Court to get this straightened out and instead we met to "find a workable arrangement". Well, as you can tell it isn't working.

 

He is telling his lawyer one thing and doing something completely different. My lawyer called this morning and while she didn't approve of the action, she said "possession is 9/10 of the law". If I wasn't so afraid of him taking the boys and not returning them I would probably give in and not back up my decision. But I can't.

 

The last time we got into a "discussion" of visitation he took the kids and refused to answer his door, phone or bring them home. I ended up going to get them and getting shoved in the process. It was NOT pretty and I can't do that again. At least this way if he comes to argue or try to pick them up, I'll have witnesses to his anger and verbal abuse (i'll be at work).

 

I am extremely nervous and afraid of what is going to happen.

[novaseeker]

Yikes. Well ... I hope all goes well for you at your hearing in March. It sounds like he has some bad facts on his side as well, so that will help you. In the meantime hang in there and do what you think is best for you and your kids.