Break up....

[Titus]

I'm having a problem dealing with my break up - and I needed a place to vent.

 

My girlfriend of 4.5 yrs - 2 weeks ago we recently broke up - after having problems and trying to make things work out, we both decided to give each other space. It was a good breakup (if one is ever good) and we are on good terms.

 

It's just I think I've messed things up. I love her. She told me we were not moving on in our relationship - she wanted to get married 2 yrs ago - but I kept putting her off. Now for the first time in my life I know what I want - her.

 

I've tried talking to her - time and time again - but she just says she's happy not being together - that she needed space. That she needs to figure things out.

 

It's hell. nothing could be worse than this. I can't stop thinking about her - loving her and needing her. I'm a strong person, but can't seem to get things together. I cry, am sad - I try and do the things that I always do - gym, kung fu, movies with friends - but it seems it's all for nothing without her in my life. I've moved out, found a small apartment (we lived in a house together) - and I feel terrible.

 

I even drove to her house last night - I wanted to take her in my arms - hold her and take her away. Lucky for me - I think - she was not there.

 

I'm trying to get it together - I know I need to leave her alone and give her time - I'm afraid though that we will meet someone else. You must understand how amazing this woman is - and how there will never be anyone like her again.

[bzborow1]

No you probably won't meet anyone like her again. But you can meet someone who's different, but possibly better?!?!?!?!?

[Titus]

I understand that - it makes sense - but I don't want this feeling to go away - I don't want the hurt to go away - because if it does, it means she goes away.

 

I know what I must do - It just hurts A LOT.

[greenie]

sounds like you do miss her, but give her her space. If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't see the harm in calling her and talking about what you want in a relationship and ask her. Communicate. THe more clear you are on how the other is feeling, the space you have to fill in with your interpretation of things. Is marriage right for you guys? Not now obviously and it will take time to regain the trust that you are both in the relatioship for hte irght reasons. Time apart won't kill you either, it is time to grow and think on your own for a while.

[Titus]

I will try. It's hard and many people have been through this before. We both love and care for each other - we still tell each other that.

 

It's hard to imagine me loving, touching and caring for someone as much. Sometimes life sucks.

[winkie]

Let me ask you this if she is so amazing then why did you put off marrying her. Sometimes people want things that they cannot have. I am not saying that is the only reason but she stayed with you for 2 yrs after wanting to already be married. I think that if you or her meet soemone else then it was not ment to be. You have to understand why she is coming from now it is really in her control. Have you spoken with her about the fear of meeting soemone else??

[Titus]

yes I have spoken yo her about that. She told me to go out and have fun. and If I meet someone then so be it. She said the same thing for herself.

 

I relaise that I messed up in the relationship - on several levels. I took her for granted and didn't appreciate her until it was to late. I've told her this - but she just sayd and her is what she sent me in an instant message:

 

We have tried - over and over. I don't want to try anymore right now. I need a break.

 

Toudh break - especially since I want it now - again to late. I hope that if I give her the space she will come back? whats the chance? has this happened to anyone here?

 

I'm not holding my breath.

[Taurean]

Dear Titus,

 

Thank you for sharing your post.

You were together with this girl for 4½ years of your life.

Its been 2 weeks only.

 

Do not worry about losing the 'feeling of being hurt' to go away, because it will remain with you for a long time yet.

You probably are referring to your pain as a measure of how much you care for this girl. That is not only unnecessary, but also unhealthy.

 

You are still in the shock phase and anything is allowed, so do not feel ashamed if you have some moments of weakness, such as driving past her house. Try to see it as a luxury, that you have the ABILITY to do so, though choose not to out of choice. She could have lived a days worth of driving away from you, yet she is within 1 hours drive of you.

 

As for crying and living in another place, I can relate to that. I too had a gf for almost 5 years and had to move out to a little hole. I know where you are right now and its not fun to say the least.

Wallow and be miserable, be anything that you want, that'll make you feel better.

In the phase that you are now, it feels that things are beyond your control, that you are merely reacting to the disturbances within yourself.

Its not easy, its not hard either, its misery and that is a mix of everything.

 

I wish I could help you more, but this phase is the hardest of them all and its not until a few days pass when you are able to not cry or feel the knots in your stomach, that you can begin to help yourself, develop and rebuild yourself.

 

Write down the things you feel, each day, maybe that wont help you much now, but in the near future, you will have it with you for reflection and that WILL help as you will then be able to compare yourself from the immediate time.

 

Also, important, do not blame yourself or be so hard on yourself, believe in things that are out of your control that your emotions will play defensive-tricks on you. Its natural to blame yourself. Save these thoughts for a little later down the road. Right now, just keep surviving the days.

 

The most difficult thing too, is to not talk to her. Doing so, as you already say, is that you just get reconfirmation that its over and that she is happy the way it is, that dosen't help you right now. Call your friends each time you feel like talking to her. Do whatever it takes of your strength left over to resist the urge to call her.

 

I wish for you that the days pass faster and the nights do not swallow you.

 

Kind regards,

Taurean

[Someday]

I took her for granted and didn't appreciate her until it was to late.

 

Titus, welcome to the club. I'm going through a similar situation although we only went out for 5-6 months.

 

You've gone out for a long time. You have to ask yourself, "Why do you feel like you've lost her?" Why do you think you didn't realize the risk of losing her sooner?

 

We have tried - over and over

 

Why do you think if the two of you get back again that things will be different? I think you should use this time to look back and reflect on what changes YOU have to make so that if she does give the relationship another chance that things WILL be different. Take advantage of this time to identify and improve on things in yourself.

 

It's good to hear that at least you're on 'friendly' terms with her. Use it to your advantage...

 

And also, why do you think you took her for granted and didn't appreciate her? I'd be interested in hearing another guy's point of view, cause I feel like I'm guilty of the same.

[Titus]

Thank you Taurean for your post. It is good to hear from people who have been through similar events - and who have obviously got through to the other side.

 

Wise words - and ones I will try and live by over these next few weeks - until the ache has gone away and my appetite returned.

 

It's tough to adjust to being single again - or think of the dating scene - and of the dinner/movies etc that lay ahead - of the endless "what do you do" conversations. In time I'm sure that will go away - and my old self will return.

 

I have found my friends are indeed true, honest and helpful. I am blessed in that department.

 

Again thank you for your post - it has been helpful.

[Titus]

Someday -

 

Let me try to explain my words:

 

Why do I think I've lost her? I took her for granted - and let our relationship stagnate - there was nothing to hope for, look forward to - nothing for our future. I could of made it more exciting - listened to her and kept the relationship interesting - I didn't.

 

Why didn't I think I'd lose her - because I was selfish - I put myself first - my desire's before anything else. Because we had gone through tough times in the past - and we'd always manged to get through them - and I thought this would be the same. She was always strong - believed in me - in us. She fought for our relationship from the start - I was unsure at times - unsure even though I could trust her with everything I am. I was an idiot.

 

Again I took her for granted because I put myself first. Instead of spending time with her - example - she would want to clean the garage - go through old stuff, throw things out. I would think - Awww not something else to do again and tell her I was to tired etc. then go and watch Tv - or go onto the computer. In reality I was missing the point. The point is to spend time with each other - to laugh, share the exerience with each other. She understood that - I understand this now, but it's to late.

 

It's hard, because she opened my eyes to so many new and wonderful things. I will be OK in time, but I think I will never get over this 100%

[Someday]

Titus,

 

Thanks for explaining how you feel. I was the same exact way. Instead of doing things to build excitement in the relationship, I just kinda went along...sleepwalking. Don't get me wrong, I loved her and had feelings for her but I just wasn't PROACTIVE enough in terms of US. Yeah we went out and did some exciting things but looking back, I guess I was selfish too...watching movies, tv, or the damn computer.

 

I wouldn't get down on yourself. The one thing you have going for you is your history together. I'm sure you two had a pretty good relationship to last 4.5 years. Thats alot of memories that won't soon be forgotten. Like I said in my previous post, use this time to your advantage and identify what you need to improve in yourself so that it doesn't happen again. Realization is an important first step and be glad you realize now how special she is. Better late than never. Now you have to act on it. But more important, give her some time. Don't overwhelm her. She won't immediately accept you back because she feels it'll be more of the same.

 

And being on friendly terms with her will give you opportunities to let her know how special she is to you and the changes you made to yourself.

 

Be patient...it isn't a hopeless situation.

[foreverurz23]

dear titus,

 

now you know that its true love, i really do hope the best for you. maybe she feels the same way??!?!?!? never give up hope, thats the last thing i want you to do. good luck!

 

~foreverurz23~

[kdreger]

Jesus, reading your post was like reading my own journal. Yikes.

 

Men!

 

My relationship went on a break that turned into a breakup for all those reasons. I tried to salvage it at the end but, in a lot of ways, once a woman gets to that point it's the end. Now she has to explore the world as someone whose single, in order to decide if she wants what you two had. Don't wait for her. If / when she comes back it won't be for awhile and she won't fully trust you or start to share this stage of her life unless she sees that you have gone on with your life. Once she doesn't feel like you're waiting for her she will start to spend time again with you, as a friend. Friendship might be all that you get from her but then again maybe a year or two down the road it may blossom into something beautiful and powerful - where you will see marriage. Life is about change and self-discovery. Don't be sad. It's hard, I know. I've been where you are. The days are long and you don't know how you'll ever go on without her smile, touch and laugh. But you have to. It's all you can do. Take it day by day and know you're not alone. What you can do now is grow and learn - and hope.

[Titus]

Thanks for your kind words.

 

It's really good to hear that there is hope for the future (our future). Again fear is a factor - we may meet someone else - but I will have to deal with that when the time comes.

 

In the meantime you are right - I will have to take this oportunity for some self development.

 

Here goes.

 

Thanks,

 

Titus

[winkie]

Well I hope your situation works out but if it does not make sure you learned the lesson that a relationship takes work from both ends and it wil be something you have to work at. You need to walk away frmo this relationship with things you will do in the next one. You are not to blame for what you did you were just going with your flow. if for any reason she thought you were being unfair she should of said OR did she?? If you ignored her requests then make sure in your next relationship you listen becuase it could end like this one did. My ex was the same way I do not blame himj for being himself it is the things he did afterwards that i blame him for. Keep your head up and sometimes the dating experience can really be an experience look it as a chance to meet new people from different places you may really find some people to be very interesting.

[Taurean]

Hello again Titus,

 

You are welcome

 

I noticed that you had said, "The Other Side". That was a good phrase, one I hadn't thought of, but is a good short description of exactly what it is too.

 

I'm not sure how long you are in such processes of letting go and moving on. I only hope you have tried things similiar and so know of the processes beforehand. The first-real time is the hardest and most poisonous of all.

 

Getting through to the 'other side' takes a long time. For me it took almost 4 years to move on, but alas that was because of my guilt feelings and not so much because I missed her as a gf.

 

Yes, there will come a time when you will have moved on and looking back you will also come to think, "I remember each step of the way".

 

Try not to be angry at your ex or to harbour ill feelings, as that prolongs the pain. To truly forgive is also to forget, but this phase is farther down the road to recovery.

 

I will stop here and perhaps in the future, when you tell of your steps again, I will tell more. Telling more now, only adds to the confusion of the terrible things you are now experiencing.

 

You are never alone, you always have yourself, and that isnt so bad is it?

 

Kind regards and really best wishes,

Taurean