Should I be concerned?

[pbutton]

I have been dating this guy for about 16 months but he is exibiting stange behavior lately. I think he may be bisexual or maybe just exprimenting. He has a best guy friend who he hangs out with about two to three nights a week. He hates it when other buddies are around this other guy because he wants this guys full attentoin. He goes a little extra on the freshen up bit when leaving my house to go visit this guy. He looks at porn of girls but he is sometimes very disinterested in sex with me especailly after he has been out with his guy friend. Could he be bi? I have asked but he absolutely denies it but last night I jokingly brought it up again and he didn't deny it just changed the subject and acted as if he wanted to tell me something but couldn't Should I be concerned about STD's and such. The other guy is not very hygenic or as concerned about cleanliness as my boyfriend. PLease help.

[novaseeker]

It's hard to say based on what you know. Do you have any idea what he does with this other guy ... where they are going, what they are doing, how long they've known each other, etc. Have you ever seen how they act around each other?

[pbutton]

Well, They usually hang out in his garage away from his girlfriend. They Throw knives, play dice, cards. They go get wine or alcohol together. The other guy is a real orgre kind of guy. very loud, controlling, obscene language in mixed company. He and my boyfriend have known each other for about 9 years. The other guy hates me but doesn't even know me. I am not allowed on his property.

[novaseeker]

Hmph ... I don't know. Do you have any other evidence at all of any attraction your BF may have for other men? Have any of his friends (or your friends) mentioned anything about his personality or history that would suggest this?

[pbutton]

99% of his friends are men. He does'nt like to hang out with women but he always notices what other men are wearing and comments on their looks and so forth. He pus this buddie before me. If he makes plans with me then the buddie calls, he will drop our plans and rush over to hang with his buddie. He always makes sure he looks good and smells good before going over to hang out in the garage with this guy. He walks out of the room if this guy calls to talk to him. He is hiding something but I can't tell what. He just seems different with this guy in particular. He seems to need this guy on a regular basis. Maybe he just needs a guy friend but he always buys this guy stuff and he never buys anything for me.

[novaseeker]

99% of his friends are men.

 

Well, that's not that abnormal for a straight guy, either.

 

he always notices what other men are wearing and comments on their looks and so forth.

 

That's a red flag. It's not common for straight guys to pay that much attention to the physical appearance of other guys and their looks and clothing, unless he works in a related industry (fashion, entertainment, etc.).

 

If he makes plans with me then the buddie calls, he will drop our plans and rush over to hang with his buddie.

 

That's a bit odd, but not necessarily a sign he's bisexual. On the other hand, it's really poor treatment of you, whether he's straight or not! You shouldn't put up with that, either way, to be honest.

 

He always makes sure he looks good and smells good before going over to hang out in the garage with this guy.

 

Does he do this generally, or do you notice he just does it when he's going to see this guy? If it's the latter, that's quite odd indeed for a straight guy.

 

He walks out of the room if this guy calls to talk to him.

 

Always a red flag, straight or not.

 

but he always buys this guy stuff and he never buys anything for me.

 

Okay that's very odd as well.

 

I'm not sure, but there's certainly some odd things about his behavior. If it really is true that he pays more attention to his appearance when he's going to see this guy, is secretive about conversations with him, buys him presents, and also generally comments on the appearance of other men ... it sounds like he very well could be bisexual.

 

The question is ... what to do. I mean clearly you have to get to the bottom of this. I'd recommend perhaps approaching it from another angle, rather than the sexual one ... in other words, sit down and talk about how upsetting it is that you are being put second, and the secretiveness, and the presents and all of this and tell him that you really, really need to understand completely what his relationship is with this other guy. If he is evasive or refuses to go into detail, I think that's a big red flag.

[pbutton]

Well, he always makes sure he looks good normally but he makes extra effort everytime he goes to this guys house. He will tell me about the things they did like cutting wood in the rain or snow but he never comes home smelling or looking like he's been working outside. He always gives me the same story of what they do but he makes a point of badmouthing any other guy who hangs out with him and his buddie. He never says anything bad about this guy even though friends have told me he treats my boyfriend like dirt sometimes. I just don't get it. Hes always trying to do things to impress this guy. Gifts, learning about things he likes. But he never seems interested in what I like or buying me gifts like he does this guy.

[novaseeker]

Well in general that raises other issues, even if his sexuality is straight as an arrow. You shouldn't be playing secondd fiddle to his friend in terms of attention, interest and so forth. That doesn't mean his friends are to be shoved aside ... not at all ... but if he pays that much attention to his friend and takes that much of an interest in him, and not to you, that's something you need to discuss with him independently of the sexuality issue (which may or may not be there).

 

Again I'd recommend approaching this from the relationship angle first rather than the sexual angle ... it may lead to a further discussion of the sexual angle as well, but it seems to me that there are other relationship issues to be addressed as well, and that may be a good way to approach the issues you're trying to deal with.

[Cadence308]

I think that your boyfriend is in love with this other guy. The fact that he makes an extra effort to look and smell good when he goes out with him. He buys him gifts for no apparent reason like his birthday or Christmas. You are supposed to be his girlfriend and significant other and he drops you without batting an eye if this other guy calls or becomes available.

 

Hon, I think your boyfriend is in love with this other guy and I don't think he sounds bi. Your boyfriend sounds gay!!!

[novaseeker]

Thats jumping to conclusions. How would you distinguish his behavior from a bisexual person?

[Cadence308]

Well, it's clear from the thread that her boyfriend is more concerned with this "guy friend" than he is with his girlfriend that he's in a relationship with. He drops plans with her to spend time with this guy and is all into his looks to meet this guy. He's very into this guy. I would say from the thread that he's more into this guy and possibly guys in general compared to women. That's leaning more towards a 10 on Kinsey Scale!

[novaseeker]

Well, it's clear from the thread that her boyfriend is more concerned with this "guy friend" than he is with his girlfriend that he's in a relationship with. He drops plans with her to spend time with this guy and is all into his looks to meet this guy. He's very into this guy. I would say from the thread that he's more into this guy and possibly guys in general compared to women. That's leaning more towards a 10 on Kinsey Scale!

 

Based on what?

 

I mean he may be bisexual based on what I've seen in the thread, but gay? What evidence is there that he isn't attracted to women?

[Cadence308]

There isn't evidence that he's attracted to women because if there were he would be spending time with his girlfriend who is supposed to be his significant other. He wouldn't be dropping her and she would be his priority. That's what happens in a significant other relationship. All I'm saying is he is leaning more towards being gay. His attractions to men appear to be more intense and meaningful than his attractions or relationships to women. I don't know the postee or the guy she posted about. Of course I'm basing my position on what I've read in the thread.

 

Oh, and I'm also a lesbian. It's not 100% gay and 100% straight. The Kinsey scale is based on a continuum of varying attractions, so most people aren't 100% gay or straight, but have varying levels of attraction to same and opposite sexes.

[confusedashell]

some werid things there..like making sure he smells extra good when he goes out to meet his mate. noticing other mens dress sense.

 

I mean walking out of the room when the guy calls. ok, I do that when I mates call, my gf does that when her friends call. So you can talk in privacy, not have the TV in one ear, not annoy my gf with me yattering while shes watching TV etc.

 

Guess you know more than anyone if hes gay. Hows your sex life?

 

The other possibility: he tells you hes going to his mates place when in fact hes cheating on you and his mate is covering? Not to be a wet blanket. But just trying to see all the possibilities.

 

Think you two need to have a serious discussion.

[novaseeker]

There isn't evidence that he's attracted to women because if there were he would be spending time with his girlfriend who is supposed to be his significant other. He wouldn't be dropping her and she would be his priority. That's what happens in a significant other relationship. All I'm saying is he is leaning more towards being gay. His attractions to men appear to be more intense and meaningful than his attractions or relationships to women. I don't know the postee or the guy she posted about. Of course I'm basing my position on what I've read in the thread.

 

Oh, and I'm also a lesbian. It's not 100% gay and 100% straight. The Kinsey scale is based on a continuum of varying attractions, so most people aren't 100% gay or straight, but have varying levels of attraction to same and opposite sexes.

 

I don't agree with you that because in this case he appears to be showing an interest in this other guy that this means he is gay rather than bisexual. The thread states he watched straight porn regularly: not many gay guys do that. Also the poster really doesn't note that the sex/intimate life is generally unsatisfactory (other than him not wanting to have sex after having visited with this guy) ... which is typically reported by women who have had relationships with gay men. SO the way I read the tea leaves here is that this guy, if he is not straight, is bisexual and not gay ... or perhaps confused and exploring ... but I didnt see any evidence there that he was not attracted to women, and in fact there were bits and pieces to suggest that he was attracted to women ...

 

And finally even if he does prefer this guy to the OP, that also doesnt mean he's gay. He could just as well be bi, and simply prefer this guy to the OP ... in other words that doesnt mean he prefers guys generally .. you're extrapolating that from this one case without any other evidence and in the face of at least some contradictory evidence (e.g., the straight porn), which is why I think the conclusion that he's gay (rather than bi or confused) is putting the cart before the horse in this case.

 

And in conclusion as it relates to the Kinsey scale I guess we all have our own labels. I'm bisexual, but my no means 50/50. Bisexual is not 50/50, it's about being attracted to both sexes to some degree, as far as I'm concerned. So while I'm more physically attracted to women, because I am also somewhat attracted to men, I consider myself bisexual and not "hey I'm straight, remember the Kinsey scale is not 100%, etc.". So I think we have different ways of labelling or describing similar orientations. If he's attracted to men and women both to some degree, I would say that he is bisexual, not gay ... but it appears that you would say that if he is attracted to both but more attracted to men, he should be considered "gay", and I don't agree with that labelling.