He's interested, but shy... so now what?

[Miss M]

I'm probably confused about this because I'm used to aggressive guys who pursue me, but I've been seriously thinking of trying something different from the aggressive types. Now I'm trying to understand the guys I might have been bypassing in the past.

 

I've read a few posts where a guy wasn't interested in a girl, but she was interested in him, pursued him, and then after a while he became VERY interested. So reading those types of posts really has me curious... When this has happened, what did the girl do to change your mind? Can you pinpoint something she did that made her become so appealing? Why did you go from being not interested to falling in love? What was it that changed your mind about her?

 

I'm asking because for several weeks I've been making small-talk with a guy I'd like to get to know better. He's not an aggressive guy, and that's fine with me... I don't mind making the first move. But I'm finding I really don't understand what to do with a guy who isn't being aggressive... I don't know how to read him, (but I'd sure like to learn ). So, I don't know if I should try harder, or whether he's just not interested. I know there are some types of guys who really like it when a girl tries harder... that her interest in him is a huge turn-on. I'm really not sure if he's that type, but maybe.

 

I definitely see all the signals that he really likes me, and he seems like a really nice guy in many ways. From our many encounters and "small-talk" we have a lot of common interests, so I'm very intrigued by him. So one day I asked "If I give you my number, would you call me?" His face brightened, and he quickly grabbed pen and paper and eagerly handed it over to me. I wrote down my number and gave it to him... but then he didn't call. (He already said he isn't already in a relationship, so that's not it either.)

 

First I thought I'd just casually repeat the invitation, flirt a little more... but then I thought there's no point in that... we both speak English... we both understood each other... the ball's in his court. If he's not able to act on that VERY CLEAR invitation, then maybe I don't want him after all.

 

Well, I saw him again a couple of more times. He didn't mention anything and neither did I. I continued to be friendly and we made our usual small-talk, just like before. I acted my usual warm and friendly self, but didn't want to pressure him. Since he didn't mention anything, (maybe he lost the number?... washed it in his pocket?), I was just ready to accept that he had simply changed his mind about me. Then we went a few weeks without seeing each other.

 

Then I saw him again recently, and from all the body language and facial expression and nervousness, I'm completely convinced he's still very interested. And maybe he wants to say something, but doesn't know what or how. Or maybe he wants ME to say something. And I don't mind giving him another invitation, but I wonder if that's what he really wants... Or maybe that's too much pressure if he's really not interested... Or maybe he doubts that I could really be interested in him, and needs me to reassure him?

 

Anyway, I've got the strong feeling that I need to make another move, that this guy is very interested and I need to help him just a little. So I'd like to hear from some guys who were first reticent or doubtful, (or shy), and then got swept off their feet by the girl.

[BlueWolf]

Try flirting with him more. And in my opinion, if he's shy invitations won't go as far. I guess you actually have to express your feelings towards him. Maybe make another invitation and tell him what you think, instead of just an invitation.

[Alabama]

It's obvious that he is interested, but he must be too nervous to call you. I've had this feeling plenty of times when I have wanted to call a girl I liked, but was too nervous to call her. So, even though it may seem annoying, I suggest you make the next move. See if he wants to go on a date. Because due to his shyness, it might be a long time before he finally calls you.

[Kevin T]

I'm a shy male. Want my opinion?

 

Flirt with him, talk to him lots, (not-so-obviously) hint around that you like him/hint around at doing things together, smile lots, dress nice, wear lots of perfume (errh, not too much) and laugh lots if he ever says something even remotely meant to be funny.

 

Sounds lame, but this is what works with us. Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you.

 

Heck, you could even go as far as actually asking the guy out. Today, most guys aren't offended by that and many would probably be more than willing to go out with you (or at least be very flattered).

[Kaia]

Hi, not a guy here but I'm in a relationship with someone who is like that! In the earlier stages, he never responded to any of my hints and then occasionally he seemed very interested but no follow ups.

 

Bottom line is, are you content with just letting him go? Or do you want to know if he likes you like you think he does?

 

I think you should make a move to find out.

[Davidsan]

ok well first welcome to what guys have to go threw every time but this guy just seems shy and like he might not really like the telephone mabey give him ure email.

 

(i dont like the telephone when im talking to girls or really my friends)

[Andy223]

he needs to feel more comfortable around you.. i expect he hasnt had a lot of experience with women... why dont you try ringing him up... invite him out... get to know him a bit better. talk to him more in more lengthy conversations. This will make him feel much more confident and more comfortable

[Miss M]

I'm a shy male. Want my opinion?

Yep, sure do.

 

Flirt with him, talk to him lots, (not-so-obviously) hint around that you like him/hint around at doing things together, smile lots, dress nice, wear lots of perfume (errh, not too much) and laugh lots if he ever says something even remotely meant to be funny.

Thanks Kevin. This is funny to me because I've actually done all this. LOL. I'm a natural flirt, and I've been trying to stifle that so I wouldn't make a fool of myself, and also so I wouldn't make him too uncomfortable. Also, I thought flirting wouldn't be good if he's really not interested. (Of course, I'm still confused about that.) And yes, I always wear cologne. And according to my platonic male friends, well, it's VERY enticing, but not too much. And I also giggle at everything, especially when I like a guy... so he's already been seeing lots of that, yeah. LOL And yes, it seems like he likes that. So I guess in some ways I'm on the right track so far?

 

Sounds lame, but this is what works with us.

Nah, not lame at all. I've been around long enough to know a few things about guys. I do get their attention, and noticed I get more looks when I wear my "girly" attire. And I'm naturally friendly, fun, giggly, flirty... but this one has me stumped.

 

It's obvious that he is interested, but he must be too nervous to call you. I've had this feeling plenty of times when I have wanted to call a girl I liked, but was too nervous to call her. So, even though it may seem annoying, I suggest you make the next move. See if he wants to go on a date. Because due to his shyness, it might be a long time before he finally calls you.

Thanks Alabama. Yeah, I'm trying to get inside the head of a shy or doubtful guy, so this helps. Usually if a guy makes the "effort" then of course, I know he's interested. And if he doesn't call me, that seems to mean he's not interested. But now I'm trying to understand a different kind of guy, one who's doubtful, or needing a little more encouragement from me. This is all new for me from this angle.

[Miss M]

Hi, not a guy here but I'm in a relationship with someone who is like that! In the earlier stages, he never responded to any of my hints and then occasionally he seemed very interested but no follow ups.

 

Bottom line is, are you content with just letting him go? Or do you want to know if he likes you like you think he does?

Hey Kaia, I appreciate your advice too. Yeah, I first thought I was content to just let him go, but then I found out that I'm not. LOL Yeah, he seems to be a real sweetie, maybe worth a little extra effort. I was so ready to give up on this guy, but then when I saw him again a couple of days ago, I got the distinct feeling that's not really what he wants me to do. I know some guys need a little extra nudge, and I know there are other women who know something that I don't... and they would definitely (and skillfully) snag a guy like this.

 

And thanks also to everybody else who responded. I really do appreaciate all your opinions and input

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I know that feeling. You think about giving up on a person and then you see them after while and you say to yourself, "I can't let that go so easily!"

 

I am really really rooting for you, M. It is bad when one person wonders what might have been, but when two people lament about it, the universe is unbalanced. I have a feeling that if you two get together, it will be so beautiful because of the effort it took to hook up. Oh the possibilities...!

[Miss M]

I know that feeling. You think about giving up on a person and then you see them after while and you say to yourself, "I can't let that go so easily!"

 

I am really really rooting for you, M. It is bad when one person wonders what might have been, but when two people lament about it, the universe is unbalanced. I have a feeling that if you two get together, it will be so beautiful because of the effort it took to hook up. Oh the possibilities...!

Hey KO!... Friend!... Nice to see you, hon. For a minute I thought maybe you were mad at me?

 

And thanks for cheering me on. You seem to be a hopeless romantic, like those fairytale endings, eh?

 

Yes, this guy is not the typically "perfect" specimen... he's a little overweight, and I know he has a few self-esteem issues... and he may doubt that he could be "desired." But geez, I happen to think he's totally adorable, irresistible.

 

This has all been happening over several weeks, and when he didn't call me, and didn't bring it up, well I really thought I had weaned myself from these feelings. Then I saw him again, and BAM, I was right back where I started. And it didn't help one bit that he also looked totally smitten with me, even tortured... but still he's not making a move. Now I feel like I just can't leave it like this without finding out for sure.

 

So I was reading a post here where a guy didn't like a girl at all, but she persisted and won his heart. Then she lost interest, but he's still seriously stuck on her. So I was thinking, "wow, how does that happen? Just how does a girl get a guy to be stuck on her like that? What did she do to seduce him?" And I do get plenty of attention from aggressive guys who get stuck on me, but like I said, I'm wanting to try something different, and trying to look around to see what (and who) I've been missing.

 

So in the end, this might end up being nothing special, but I feel like I've got to at least make the effort before I give up completely.

[DN]

Look at it this way:

 

Suppose you asked him out and he said 'no' - what would you lose? Seems to me you might lose the chance to flirt with a guy you see now and again - and maybe lose a little composure for a few hours.

 

But if he says 'yes' what have you gained? A chance to have a good night out, a chance to have some fun and a chance to see if he might be someone with whom you could make a strong, maybe lasting, connection.

 

I know which I would choose.

[Miss M]

Oh yes DN, I've been having that type of conversation with myself for weeks... trying to get past this horrid and irrational fear of rejection. In fact, talking myself into offering him my number was a very huge task. (And a kind pen pal even helped, and coached me through it.) Yes, I've already come a long way. So I lived through that crazy fear, made the leap, and I didn't die of embarrassment. Yes, I survived... and then he didn't call me... darn! But I'm still okay, feeling no regrets because it was a good experience to get out of my comfort zone, challenge myself. But now I'm trying to figure out what he could be thinking. Just as I was ready to give up I see he's clearly still interested, but he's holding back. Maybe he needs me to give him some more reassurance? Man, I sure hope he's worth all this angst.

[DN]

maybe this is a subconscious and unrealised contest between two people to see who is the shyest. Not a contest you would want to win.