My Story

[Lilac]

ok here is my story and i'm going to appologize right away for it being a lengthy article but i feel that i should give the full background on myself.

 

i feel that i have been in emotionally abusive relationships my whole life and each one seems to get progressively worse. i left almost a 5 yr long relationship in the winter of 2003 and it was my first serious relationship. i had a very hard time dealing with it and i was acting in ways that i now see i shouldn't have been. basically i started sleeping with alot of random people and jumping from relationship to relationship and cheating on those that i was dating. during that time i had a very close male friend that listened to all of my stories and all of my hurt and supported me every step of the way. when i left relationship #3 i gave my head a shake and said hey here's this amazing friend who respects you and loves you for who you are why are you not with him. so i made the decision to change my entire life and move 400km away from my closest family and start a new life with him. i was scared as hell but he was right there telling me that everything was going to be ok and that i was done living all the hurt in my life. and i believed him. he made me feel so good about myself and everything that i was.

 

we first started seeing each other in oct. of 2004 and i moved in nov of 04. when i moved though i played it smart and got my own place. he still lived at home and i was fine with that. it was nice to come home to my own place and my own space and i didn't want to rush into anything. well the summer of 05 he got a job that required him to go away for weeks at a time and i felt very hurt and very crushed that i changed my entire life to be with him and now he was leaving me. it ultimately led to a very bad break up btwn us. but after a week of not talking to each other or seeing each other we started to have telephone contact again. he was miles away working on the rigs and i was still in my town so it was almsot a buffer zone for us to talk and slowly work things through. well he came back after being out for over a month and we decided that we wanted to make things work and be with each other and gave it another go.

 

in sept of 05 we had the big talk about moving in together and decided that we wanted to. so we went through a bit of a rough time of nerves and everything but still moved in together in oct. things were rocky and i wasn't sure what to think. he was going to his parents house 4 nights a week, and coming home just to sleep and i told him that i didn't feel like he actually wanted to live with me and that he hadn't actually moved out and he got very defensive. things didn't get better and finally led to a very large fight just before xmas that had me lining up a moving truck and going back closer to my family. i decided i was being hasty and that i was at fault for some of the actions causing stress in the relationship.

 

so at the start of this year i made some huge changes in myself. i quit my job that i hated so much and persued my career that i am now in, but put some financial stress on the relationship. now that i have my dream career i was really excited about it and he didnt' share my excitement at all. and for the past couple weeks his behaviour has really taken a turn for the worse. we always used to play fight, like pin the other down and tickle them, or pin them down and kiss them, or just little pokes here and there, but lately he's really been annoyed at it and has started to cause me pain when it should be playful. like grabbing my wrists and holding them really tight and pulling at my fingers. so i backed off what i was doing to get that to stop.

 

well on sun we were sitting on the couch and i was talking to him about how much i love him and how happy i am with him and how life is finally getting on track and he just snapped at me. he threw everything from my past in my face and told me once a cheater always a cheater and he's just waiting for me to do it to him cuz i'm a hoe.

 

i was crushed and devestated and i asked for an appology and he never gave it to me. so after alot of crying and thinking i told him that i wanted to find a new place to live cuz i can't be in a relationship where i'm thought of like that. and he snapped at me again and me feel so bad about leaving that i took it all back and said i would stay. and we haven't hardly spoken since. he's not coming home till about midnight every night and i'm really not sure what to do.

 

i know that leaving him is the right thing to do, but every time i think about it i feel like i'm going to be sick and i think about how good he used to treat me and what changed to cause it.

 

please help because i feel so crushed and destroyed that i don't think i have the strength to stand my ground and leave, or tell him to leave

[WildChild]

The skunk is the first to smell its scent. Are you certain it was his parents house he was staying at not too long back?

[Lilac]

yes i am because that was my first thought was that he was cheating on me. and i'm really good friends with his brothers wife and her and i have leaned on each other alot. she has verified to me everytime that he was at his parents house. she said it's actually pathetic how much time he spends there and how he has no other friends to go to. he relies soley on his family.

[Itsok]

Sorry he sounds like he's a jerk as well. I can't believe he would tell you that he's waiting for you to cheat on him! I would get out of this one.

 

And btw, he says all that and then guilts you into staying? Yes, this is abusive.

[valenski]

Wow, its real sad that your that the friend you had is not there anymore, now I think you have to decide whats best for you. Consider your studies, whatever else is going on in your life and do whats best you. You've changed for the better and thats whats important, you might think life without him is hard today but in time you will learn to live without him.

 

Good luck.

[Shadows Light]

Lilac... I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. I know you love your friend and the man who was supportive of you when you were on a self destructive roller coaster ride. And it makes it all the more hurtful because he was there for you then, and was accepting of you then. WHATS CHANGED?

 

It doesn't sound like he's ready for an adult relationship or adult responsibilities. He's not ready to cut those apron strings yet. He's supposed to be old enough... and yet its FEAR that's probably drawing him back into his comfort zone.

 

Bringing up your past is a defence mechanism. An excuse for him to go back to where he's comfortable. He's just not mature enough to come right out and say it. And maybe he's not figured it all out yet.. doesn't understand why he's drawn back to his comfort zone. Its fear. And placing the blame squarely on your shoulders absolves him for having to LEAVE the nest and from confronting his fears.

 

Its all good. you do NOT need to be verbally or physically abused. It is not your job to molly coddle him into the next phase of his life. We all take the leap on our own when we are ready. Grin. Or our parents push us out of the nest. If you even try to lure him out... YOU will be responsible for all his ills. You will be responsible for all fears. And YOU will be the buffer for all his frustration.. verbal and otherwise.

 

So... my best advice to you, from someone whose been there, is concentrate on you.. and your life. An ideal relationship is based on mutual respect, partnership and sharing of your lives. "SHARING" not living through each other. Living for yourself and sharing your life.. and being a intimate witness to someone elses life. Soooo... let it go. And concentrate on you, what makes you tick, what tickles your fancy and what brings you JOY.

[darkblue]

Hi Lilac,

I said I would respond, and here I am.

 

Verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and maybe even physically abusive.

E.g. Calling you a 'hoe' - throwing the past in your face and going rough on what is meant to be 'play fighting'.

 

I will make one thing clear:

It is very unlikely that you will be able to change him.

thereforeeee, get out.

[Lilac]

well here's an update for everyone. on fri night we talked a bit and i told him everything that i needed to say and he got really viscious with me. i wasn't sure what his mental state was in and i actually ended up calling one of my friends to come down for a couple hours because i wasn't sure if he was going to show up at the house or not. well on sat i got up and went to work, it was only supposed to be for a couple hours but i ended up staying the whole day and then heading out with some coworkers. i got home just after 1am to find his truck at the house. i went inside and saw that my cat had messed on the floor, cleaned it up and then asked my bf where my kitty was. he told me that he threw her outside and doesn't care if she comes back or not. now she's never ever ever even seen outside let alone been tossed out there at her own defenses. i lost it and told my bf to get out of my house and he refused to leave. i wasn't sure what he was going to do to me so i called the police and he then promptly called his parents saying that i was being a * * * * * and a psycho cuz i had no reason to call the police. well after everyone got to the house he did take some personal stuff and leave the house. then on sun he came back to get a few more things and i told him that he was no longer welcomed in this house and for him to leave. came back with the uhaul and his whole family and nice dramatic production but all of his stuff is gone.

 

my kitty is still missing and i don't know if she's alive, my house is empty and i feel so alone. i actually feel like my heart is breaking more and more each minute. i know that i made the right decision and i'm proud of myself that i stood by. i guess i just needed to see what the line was and when he caused harm to my kitty that went beyond crossing it. i just feel so sad and so depressed and not sure how i'm going to pick up the pieces anymore

[darkblue]

Well done, Lilac. That really was a huge step.

 

You can pick up the pieces - and things can be rebuilt. Give yourself time to readjust.

Stick to NC ridgidly. You really do not want this man back in your life.

 

Let him say whatever he wants to his parents. They can provide for him, if they want. I'm sure they will be able to see the other side to him, if they haven't seen it yet.

 

I'm sorry about your kitten. Maybe you could go around and see if the neighbours have seen her -and if they could keep their eyes out.

 

Step by step.

Come back whenever you like to seek support, and I'm always available to you via PM.

 

Take care of yourself.

[WildChild]

Good for you for standing up for yourself! You will be so much better off without him. You may miss him at some point but just remember how he made you feel all of the time.

 

As for your kitty, I bet it will come home. Mine used to take off if the door was left open and she eventually would come home. Keep going out and checking for her and as Dark said check with your neighbors. It might help to put some food out as well, that always helped to bring my kitty home too.

[Lilac]

ya i have some flyers printed up and i've contacted the vet already. i've been to a couple of neighbors and they havent' seen her. the humaine society also suggested putting her litter box outside cuz it has her scent on it and that helps too. i'll just have to keep looking and looking and hoping

[darkblue]

Oh Lilac,

I'm wishing you the best of luck, and wishing I was in Alberta to help you look.

 

Hugs.