what a horrible day! Advice NEEDED!

[lila666]

I've been posting alot on here recently, but there is just so much on my mind, I need to clear it all out.

my boyfriend and I are "taking a break". It's been a week since we broke up. When we broke up, we said we still loved each other, but we needed time to think things out, etc etc.

We've still been talking via IM pretty much every day (I just cant seem to find the inner strength to go NC!!! ](*,)) and he's called me once and told me how sad he was, and how much he missed me, etc etc. I miss him very much as well, and I love him with all my heart. sometimes I think I'm doing okay, and I'm happy, and then the next moment I can feel my heart breaking again and I'm miserable. Today I was thinking about us and I came up with this: My boyfriend recently moved out into a house with two other roommates, its his first time being on his own and it was stressing him out. He didnt find that he had enough time to himself, because he always had to go to work, or do chores, band practise, spending time with me, etc. I was feeling very frustrated because I could tell that I was getting low on his list of priorities, and he was usually distracted when we were together. This made me feel rejected, and one night I confronted him, we decided to break up, and he asked if we could just take a break for awhile instead. So thats what we're doing. Only now, I'm looking back, and feeling a little resentful and bitter about the hard emotions I've been put through. I have been taking so much time to dwell, and think about us, and how we can fix this, only I dont know if he's doing the same. I feel like enough time has passed for us both to be able to sit down to discuss this and at least take another step towards closure/resolve. Do you think I'm right with that?

He told me when he called me "I dont think I should say this, and I dont know how you feel, but I think theres a strong possibility of us getting back together" At the time, I said I felt there was too but we both had some more thinking to do, and this comment filled me with joy and hope. Right NOW I feel like it was an arrogant thing for him to say, like he was assuming that I'd always be there for him to call back. I feel like talking to him through IM gives him his daily dose of me, and doesnt let him experience what it would be like for him if I werent around. I feel like its unfair to me, because he always initiates the conversation and its always everyday conversation; we dont really talk about what we're feeling or thinking about our relationship on IM. I really think that he needs to learn how to balance the responsibilities of his new life and the responsibilities of having a girlfriend adequately, and he needs to realize that. I think he wants a taste of the single life right now, but I feel almost used or pushed aside while he's off experiencing this. for the past week I've barely slept, barely eaten, I've lost wieght and the depression I feel makes it almost unable for me to go out. Nothing takes my mind off of how I feel, and I'm starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel this way, and I see him as the cause. I'm worried that I'm either going to: a) Wait around and feel crappy while he goes off and experiences being "free", however long THAT takes. or b)Decided that he doesnt want a girlfriend, or me and I'll have to go through all of this again. His birthday is in five days, and I have a feeling that if theres any chance of us reuiniting, even if its to talk, it wont happen until after he's done all his birthday partying, which offends me even more.

This isnt to say that I'm an innocent in all this. I've realized that I depended on him too much, put too much pressure on the relationship (something we both did), we spent too much time together, and we were attached at the hip basically. He only has two days off of work a week and at the time I was working two jobs so I made my schedule so that we would both have those days off. I've since quit one of these jobs, but those two days were still the days we expected to spend time together. I think eventually that made it quite redundant, as we still expected to see each other those days, and would not make plans on purpose.

In any case, most of my day was really good, I thought about ALL of this today, AND wrote it all down in my journal, which I promptly lost. to make things worse I'm pretty sure I lost it at work. If anyone finds and reads it (I searched my ENTIRE house, top to bottom. I also went back to my workplace to try and find it) I will DIE of embarrassment. its my DIARY!

It just made all the good feelings I had today disappear, and I feel like I'm crashing again. I had written all that I was feeling in that thing, it held all my secrets and thoughts, and it was the ONE thing that would help me get everything out, clear my head and now its gone.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for this long post. My questions are: should I confront these issues I have with my ex, or is it too soon? Should I just let him take the time he needs? The way I'm thinking now is that this isnt a "break" for us, we're broken up, and I need to move on. Otherwise, I dont see myself getting out of this funk and feeling any better. I am too heavy hearted and tired of feeling like this. Is this wrong? Is it fair of me to be so resentful? I dont want to push him, I know that and I honestly dont think I would want us to get back together at this point, cos theres so much to get sorted out. I'm just confused, etc. anyone have advice?

[Pikey1972]

lila666, I have to go in a bit so will post a very quick reply.

 

Give him space and time to see what he really wants, and to allow yourself some much-needed breathing space.

 

You mentioned feeling frustrated, resentful and anxious, and have not been sleeping / eating well. If you're feeling like this, it'll be virtually impossible to confront these issues head-on in your present state.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but try to take each day at a time, write down all your feelings (I'm sure your diary will show up again) and re-read everything when you feel strong enough.

 

Most importantly: look after yourself.

 

- Try to eat something: it doesn't have to be a huge meal, but you need to get plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables in your system to function properly (you're probably also feeling low because you're not getting the nourishment your body needs). Again, it doesn't have to be huge - don't eat junk food as that'll cause your system to crash.

 

- Try to get exercise / go out for a walk: exercise is a great way to release the endorphines and will also help you relax

 

- Try to keep off alcoholic drinks and caffeine

 

- Talk to friends / family

 

Above all, give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself - you're only human after all ;-)

 

Remember: FOCUS ON YOU AND YOU ALONE - it's impossible to see inside someone else's head. The only person you can help and look after is you.

 

I hope this helps - hang on in there!

 

Good luck,

 

Pikey

[lila666]

thank you so much for your concern and advice. The night I made that post, I ended up talking to my ex for about two hours, which I confessed that this was tearing me apart emotionally, and he said he still needs more time. The way he's been dealing with our breakup is by turning to alchohol and drugs, which frustrated me because it makes me feel like he's not taking this seriously, and he's just going to make himself numb. He got a little frustrated with me for judging him, and says that its "his way of dealing with everything" and he needs to get it out of his system?

In any case, we talked a lot about what our problems were and ways to solve them. I've realized that I let him become the main focal point in my life, and essentially ignored everything else. I realized how much I miss being an individual and having my own life and hobbies, etc. As we were saying goodbye I asked him not to contact me for a few days, and he agreed, so we're going to talk sometime later this week. I'm really looking forward to regaining my independance and individualism in the time to come! And even if he and I dont get back together, I know I'll be fine. Last night I went out to a pub, and at times I wished he was there with me, and I had times where I felt lonely but in all I had a great time with my friends, and realized how much I missed going out and experiencing life without my boyfriend by my side. I know that I do love him, and he loves me but I need to learn again not to be lonely (being lonely was something I never really felt before until now, wether I was with anybody or not) and be more independent like I used to be. I'm excited for this time by myself now, and it feels great!