how do you know when you're "together"

[jamie379]

Ok, stupid question, but here' goes:

 

How do you know when you've been casually seeing someone for about a month that you are "officially" together? I'm super new to the whole dating thing (he's not) and both of us are kind of shy and pretty masculine. Neither of us (I think) has the guts to say something to kinda of seal the deal. I don't think at this point I could say "gee, do you want to go out with me?". Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated. I want to probe him a little and see what he's thinking but not exactly sure how.

[Ms Omaniac]

i went through the same thing. after i started messing around with the guy i was dating...i kept wondering what our status was.

the only way you will be "SURE" is to talk to him about it. i told him i wanted to be exclusive and he said he wanted that also. kinda quick and painless.

other than that...you will never know for sure. i wouldnt assume that you two are exclusive. ive had friends that assumed the same thing only to find out later that since nothing was stated about exclusivity...the other partner kept playing the field.

[jamie379]

I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do, but not exactly sure about how to go about it since we're both really shy towards each other still, at least when it comes to relationship type stuff.

 

Sex isn't part of the picture yet, which is a totally different issue with me and think related to how we're not super touchy people. Even though I would love to at this point, I don't know how to go about engaging him, and I think the fact that I don't know 100% how he feels about me isn't helping.

[shorty20]

I would just talk to him. Don't make it all serious, just say "you know, I like you alot, and I've been having a great time getting to know you. I just want you to know that I'm not going to be seeing anyone else, because I only want to see you"... and then see what his response is.

[jamie379]

Thanks shorty...that's along the lines of what I was thinking. I'm still so insecure about this dating thing that even my rational thinking sounds stupid and end up questioning my every move. It's good to have some reassurance.

[Nap-Man]

hey jamie,

 

i was reading your post and an experience from my past made me start thinking. i seem to be similar to you and your potential boyfriend. i am not touchy feely or big into serious relationship talks in the beginning. i think everyone gave you wonderful advice but i have had an instance where it backfired. i was casually seeing a girl for about a month and she hit me out of the blue with a comment about her and i being exclusive. the problem is i was not yet 100% comfortable with her or sure if i really clicked with her enough to be exclusive. i felt a lot of pressure to decide quickly or risk hurting her and it pretty much killed the relationship.

 

just to be difficult i have also had relationships start that same way but we were both sure and ready for the next step. i guess i saw red flags when you stated that you were not yet comfortable with him, regarding relationship talk and sex. from my past experiences it is best to warm up to those topics and feel it out before you jump in with both feet. if you are not yet comfortable it is possible that he is not comfortable yet either and you two should get to know each other a bit better. just some thoughts to make your decisions harder! i never know how to decide when it is too soon or too late to talk about these issues........

 

-Nap

[jamie379]

Hey Nap, that's exactly what I'm worried about. I know both of us tend to be more open with each other after a few drinks, and he's really started to come on to me after we've left the bar (usually on IM when we get home, something like "I really wanted to kiss you tonight"). My problem is that neither he nor I are like that while sober. So I feel like I have to take him out, get him (and me) liquered up, and then talk to him about this stuff. I tried talking to him the other day and just couldn't get the words out of my mouth and ended up saying something dumb.

 

But having it backfire is my biggest fear. This is the first guy I've ever met that I would even consider dating and am scared to let him get away. Whether or not anything happens, I'm sure we'll continue to be friends. It's just very stressful. I've lived my life thus far without any stress due to relationships and have been happy, trying to figure out what everybody else's problem has been, but this comes out of left field and I'm in no way prepared for how it's affecting me emotionally.

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

[Prufrock06]

jamie,

 

If you want to probe what he's thinking and get at the root of your two's feelings for one another, then I would advise to try and do it in as sober an environment as possible, especially if you're worried that the only time you two really come onto each other is after drinks. The key, I feel, is being open with each other without a few drinks -- not an easy task, I'm sure. But it's probably the only way you can be certain about what's going on between you two -- and I do feel from what you've written that there is a lot of magentism going on between you two, but you guys just haven't sat down to discuss it.

 

So the best thing: set aside some time on an upcoming evening to have a conversation with him in a kind of neutral, non-hectic environment. Maybe invite him to coffee or arrange a time to talk to each other on the phone. That way you won't have to worry about the bar environment interfearing with what you want to figure out. I don't think he would still be dating you if he didn't feel for you in some degree, so I feel your chances of being shot down or talked to like you're completely misreading signs is a bit slim.

[millaj]

Communication is very important in any relationship. You should always talk about your feelings to make sure you are both on the same page every so often. Good luck

[Tigris]

The only way you are going to find out is to ask him.

 

Good luck

[chblueguy]

please don't slack off on talking to him about it. I was messing around with a guy I had strong feelings for, but backed out of a talk with him about our status. Now he's with someone else, and it's all because I didn't say anything. Just get over your shyness temporarily, it may mean lots of happiness between you 2.

[jamie379]

Hey guys...figured I owe you all a little update.

 

So last night I got up the balls to talk to him about our situation as he's dropping me off in my driveway. After beating around the bush for a minute, starting to get out of the car and then getting back in, I basically said, "Hey, you know I like you?". He came back with a basic, "Yes". Ok my turn again...and mind you, I've been practicing this conversation in my head for weeks now..."Do you like me?". Well that's not at all what I was 'scripted' to say. His response? "I'm not really looking for a relationship." So I respond with..."Well I just wanted you to know that before I met you I was perfectly happy in being single and alone."

 

So the conversation goes on for another minute or two, basically consisting of him talking about how he feels bad about leading me on and is still getting over his first relationship (emotionally trying), and still realizing that his second (most recent) relationship is over. So the last thing he says is, "Give it time."

 

Now that's a recap of what I can remember the morning after. It probably happened a little less gracefully than that and I'm sure I left something out. But you get the idea. I went to sleep feeling really good that I talked to him, but this morning I'm feeling uneasy again, hoping he doesn't think I was trying to push him into anything. Aargh.

 

Sorry for the drama, completely unlike me normally.

 

Anyway, comments welcome.

[chblueguy]

yay!! im so happy you told him. Yea, if he just got out of a relationship, he's going to need some time to heal from that. I'd stay on him and no let anybody slip in on his radar in the meantime though, but yea, don't rush him into anything. congrats!

[Tigris]

I still think the easiest solution is to talk to him.

 

Good luck.

[jamie379]

So, knowing what I know now, how do I go about showing affection for him without seeming too pushy? I don't want to seem too needy or make him feel uncomfortable. Now I feel like I need to let him make the next move. But I also don't want to seem completely uninterested wherein he thinks I'm losing interest.

[Prufrock06]

Keep his advice in mind: "give it time", especially if you're still keen on being around him. By continuing to socially interract with him -- going to coffee, dinner, movie, etc. etc. -- you'll be showing that you still have a personal interest in him without necessarily being pushy. Little flirtatious gestures would work in complement with this, just to show that you still have feelings for him as more than just a friend. I dunno...maybe sending him a card sometime out of the blue with a personal message telling him how much fun you have being with him or something small like that never hurts, and probably wouldn't be interpreted as being too forward.

 

Give him a few days -- if he doesn't make the next move, then make it yourself. You'd have provided a certain window of opportunity so that you wouldn't come accross as clingy or needy were you to contact him again.

 

Hope this helps!

[ShySoul]

Keep doing what you have been doing, its worked so far. He said to give it time, time for him to get over the other relationship. Each day this is probably getting a little better and in just being there and showing you care through your normal actions, it is helping. To change anything and start showing you like him more may frighten him off or come accross as pushy, even if its not intended. Just enjoy each others company and you should start feeling things getting deeper as time passes.