anorexic relapsing

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hey everyone, I apologise if this is a little long or boring, but I know its a safe place/way to get it all out.

 

I am sventeen years old now, and when I was in my early teens I was anorexic to the point where I had a minor stroke (which I never told anyone about and only much later worked out what it was) and a full ambulance emergency seizure, which obviously my family DID know about. I was just eating so little and moving about so much I collapsed majorly. I didnt ever get a therapist. My mom just made me eat, and in time (she always intimidated me) I *got over it* externally but always fought it inside, and hated my body.

 

So Ive been fairly slim for a few years, somehow my weight has been stable at the lower end of normal despite periods of restricting/disordered eating/some binging in all combinations you could possibly think of.

 

from 14 years old to almost 18...Im just so sick of it..tired is more the word, I guess.

 

But now..Ive slipped back. This time, its earlyish into it, but im eating much less than before, and because Im older and now at college (living at home though) and going out socially a lot more, its much easier to hide it all.

 

People have already commented I have lost weight, and I have gone down a cup size (bra size).

 

Stupidly, I even know the real reasons for relapse, I think, yet am powerless to stop it, seemingly. I even keep a journal and everything.

 

Reasons:

 

- Uncertainty over future, mostly in regards to career/uni whatever

- I have always felt I should be a guy..it occupies many a daydream of mine, and Im feeling it bad right now

- I just feel very fatr and ugly

- Im really angry for some reason

 

oh whatever im sure tehre are more..i just hate me for doing this, i mean I had a SEIZURE and I really hurt my mom last time and still, i dont learn. But its something Im good at. I do art and drama at college, im doing well and i express myself through that, and I have friends and so on as well but theres this ... need...emptiness...or something that seemingly only this sh*t can fill...Im so sorry for venting, I just feel hideous.

[RayKay]

Well, first off, you need to tell your mom, and get a therapist. One that specializes in eating disorders. Because it certainly is not just a physical condition, but a mental one too.

 

Anorexics have been shown to show a poor ability to produce serotinin (happy hormone), not eating somehow elevates the levels of serotinin which is why many people start it during depressive states.

 

The truth is, it is something that is with you for life, and you need to develop the tools to deal with and prevent repeat episodes, and that may require both therapy and medication.

 

I was anorexic from about 15 to about 20, quite severe as well. It was a friend of mine having three strokes that urged me to break the bad habits. I still have some level of disordered eating, that I expect will always be there, at least mentally, but I also DO eat well, healthy and am in great physical shape through exercise (I love putting weight on in muscle now, rather then getting excited to lose it...exercise has been one of the best things because I learned that I NEED to be strong to be fit and healthy and competitive, and you can't be strong when you are too weak because you are not eating....food is a fuel, not an enemy or a salvation. I am not the thinnest I have ever been, but I am the healthiest, and I feel the most wonderful too). You can get better, you can change it, but you need to first accept and seek out some help for it.

 

I know how hard it is to seek help, because you are ashamed, worried, scared, all of that....but there really are ways to work on it, and you will feel better for doing it. Better to do it NOW, then when ti gets too late...you might not be so lucky next time. And there is so much worth living for. When you are anorexic, you are not living...you are a ghost of yourself, and you deserve to live your life to the fullest. Good luck sweetie.

[princess81]

I am sorry to hear that I really cant say I know how you feel because I have never been there but I know one thing is for sure you need to stay strong and get profesional help thats your first second because you already took the hardest one admiting that you have one talk to some one that your very close to and let them know you need help. Because you have so much to live for let me know what happens. Good luck and stay strong.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

sweetie you can starve yourself till your nothing but bones, but it'll never be appealing and it'll never make you feel better about yourself. it's something that you need to deal with mentally. you need to remind yourself everytime you feel insecure of how beautiful you actually are, and surround yourself with supportive people. and as far as weight goes, a little curve on anyone looks great. but just eat 3 big meals a day, and 3 snacks, and then workout for thirty minutes and you'll be healthy as can be. and you'll be tone and fit instead of anorexic looking. good luck

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

for replying.

 

I dont really want to look good for anyone right now, I want to match my own idea of whats appealing, which is very thin, which I confess I find attractive in others.

 

I workout a lot, more so than most people.

 

Everytime I eat I feel fat...definitely require professional help to eat anywhere near 3 meals a day. I have issues...

 

 

thanks all again