Thoughts of suicide...

[Lily04]

I originally planned to wait until at least my 27th birthday, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm really not content with the way things are going, and feel too much frustration to live a life of mediocrity. I just feel hopeless...

 

I won't do it tonight, or even tomorrow, but I'm just not sure when...

 

Going to bed now...

 

Thanks for everyone's help and concerns.

 

Lily

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Suicide ? What is the benefit from it ? Everyone sometimes feel down.. Including me.. Never never never never give up.. Because why should you give up ? Even if you fail everytime.. At least you are doing something interesting .. you are trying and challenging..

 

You know what.. People who are happy all the time are not strong.. They didnt pass any tests in life, to show their strenght or to pass them.. But people who have many challenges in their lives are heros.. They are struggling = strong..

 

You are looking for the results, dont do that.. Do your best and keeeeeeeeeeep trying.. No one ever did his best and regret it.. Right ? so do your best and have faith.. And you will see that things became better.. And after a while when you found your way.. You will be amazed by yourself, how strong were you in the time of troubles.. and sucess you achieved..

 

I always listen to this song while feeling down and i tell my self i want to be that person who made it through troubles and now he is on the top.. You need to fall deep, if you want to be high.. Do you want to be this one ? choose well,

 

Not more than three short years ago

I was abandoned and alone

Without a penny to my name

So very young and so afraid

No proper shoes upon my feet

Sometimes I couldn't even eat

I often cried myself to sleep

But still I had to keep on going

Never knowing if I could take it

If I would make it through the night

I held on to my faith

I struggled and I prayed

And now I've found my way

 

If you believe in yourself enough

And know what you want

You're gonna make it happen

(Make it happen)

And if you get down on your

knees at night

And pray to the Lord

He's gonna make it happen

 

 

I know life can be so tough

And you feel like giving up

But you must be strong

Baby just hold on

You'll never find the answers

if you throw your life away

I used to feel the way you do

Still I have to keep on going

Never knowing if I could take it

If I would make it through the night

I held on to my faith

I struggled and I prayed

And now I've finally found my way

 

 

 

I once was lost

But now I'm found

I got my feet on solid ground

Thank you Lord

If you believe within your soul

Just hold on tight

And don't let go

You can make it happen

[arwen]

Lily, please keep posting here. What exactly do you mean by living in mediocracy? If you can actually think of a plan to kill yourself, you should also be capable of thinking of a solution to make your life a happier place.

 

I know how frustrations can build up and you start wishing you aren't alive. If you could just escape for a while. I always think of DN's signature in times of utter frustration and pain. It's the one by Churchill. "if you are going through hell, keep going". It's one of the strongest thoughts I have ever read. You WILL feel better in time. But don't get stuck in this place of bad feelings. Keep going. until you see more light.

 

Ilse.

[Carnatic]

What exactly is mediocre about your life?

[ocrob]

Lily, don't be selfish. I could never commit suicide because I could not make the people I care about be sad for the rest of their lives. It is so easy to kill yourself and yes, it can be hard to live. You talk about mediocrity, but if you kill yourself, then you are much less. If you want more than mediocrity, then do something about it. If you are ready to kill yourself, then you have nothing to lose. Go after whatever dream you might have. Live today like you won't be here tomorrow. Most people on here are not content with their lives, but they come on here for support and reassurance. We are your friends here and you can say anything. I will be so upset if you do something stupid. Life changes so quickly and soon things will be good. Only a weak person gives up and if you are unhappy with mediocrity, then giving up is the weakest thing you could do. I challenge you to embrace life and make things better. I realize most people will try to be sympathetic with you, but I am pissed. Don't be a p###y and take my challenge. I am here for you no matter what and you can PM me anytime. We are all going through rough times, but we will all get over it. You are so young and have so many good things ahead of you. You have a lot of people on here that care about you and you better not let us down. 21 years old is very young. Don't be stupid. You probably have about 50 friends on here. We will take care of you emotionally and you have to take care of yourself physically. I guarantee things will get better and if you don't like mediocrity, then do something about it. You have nothing to lose. Hang in there and don't let all of your friends on here down. WE are here for you!

[Itsok]

The truth is, life is full of challenges to overcome. We will all face problems, we will all endure the hardships that come with living. Overcoming these problems is a difficult thing, but we are so much stronger in the end.

 

There are thousands of people dying everyday that would give everything they have to live another moment...why do you think that is? Because we all realize that no matter how difficult things get, death is permanent and not in a good way. It's not something you can say, "well I feel like being undead now." There is no second chance to make things right, there is no reconciliation. There is no one to pull us back once we break that contract with God.

 

If you are seriously considering suicide, I would recommend going to see a counselor, talking to a friend, and going to church. Why church? Because God teaches that struggles are here for a reason, to gain emotional strength.

 

I have been suicidal several times in my life, where I was very serious about it...and I'm not right now. Whatever problems were bothering me passed, and life continued on.

 

My recommendation is to remember this. Whatever problems are bothering you right now, no matter how dismal things appear, those problems will pass and all this will be a memory. Don't give up, because there's just no reason to. It doesn't give you any benefit, it doesn't make you feel better to sit back and feel defeated. Move forward, and don't look back.

[3 Broken]

suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem....remember that

[musicguy]

Lily, I've been feeling the same way too and I'm almost 27..but why do you think that you are hopeless?

[Lily04]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I wouldn't commit suicide now, mainly because I still have to keep my family in mind and they would be devastated. Plus, I don't know how bad my life will actually go... life is so random, something good might actually come from it.

 

Also, just as a disclaimer, I think I've over-emphasized some of my accomplishments on here... just wanted to say that. Like regarding student council, I was just appointed a position in my committee, I never actually won a school-wide election... hopefully I'll be able to do that next year, or someday. =) I don't think I'm ready for that yet though.

 

Moving on, why my life is mediocre... it's not so much that my life is mediocre now, but that I see it as being so in the future. I guess because I have some trouble with school, but yet the careers I'm considering require academic achievement, and I just feel frustrated. In some ways, I'd rather kill myself than have a job that doesn't allow me to live a happy life and make use of my skills/interests... i.e. if I were just a secretary/regular office worker. Nothing against them as people (my mom was a secretary), but having gone through 4 years of university and trying so hard to do well, and then just... doing simple and inane tasks all day and dealing with people who I might not respect and feel I could contribute in better ways... that would just really frustrate me.

 

I think the problem is that I am intelligent, and people (i.e. profs/TAs) recognize this, but my performance on tests don't always reflect this, and so I'm worried that this will always hamper me in the future...i.e. hold me back from achieving what I want to in life.

 

I also posted on another message board for law students though, and they advised me to just focus on the 'now'... i.e. concentrate on getting the best grades I can now (I was sorta trying to do too much I think -- volunteer work, part-time job, school, club work) and I think I just need to focus on a few (I'll drop volunteering), school being the most, and if things don't work out as planned I'll deal with them then...

 

Plus I was frustrated with my parents and how they've just given up on their life and are focusing all their energies on me & my sister, as if they were dead. Their reasoning is that they weren't successful in life, and thus they're not going to do anything to help themselves enjoy it... my mom just doesn't care about her health, she's ready to give up almost, and my dad just has multiple problems... and I feel like I can't help them because they were like this for so many years. I wish they would just start learning how to enjoy life though and not take it so seriously... I wish I could show them that things can be manageable, but I think they just made some wrong decisions...I won't get into that though.

 

I don't think they mean to put pressure on us, but they do. My sister is only 16 and she's already trying to plan her life so that she'll be successful and can help our parents in the future try to regain their life, but money can't buy happiness... they just have to be able to see things differently but refuse to do so...I realize this can also be applied to my own thinking, but it's slightly different because I am worried that my future will turn into theirs I suppose, and that I won't feel fulfilled in life, and don't want that... that's why I said I'd wait until at least my 27th b-day, because at that point I'll probably be working for a while, most women get married around that age, etc. so I'll know how screwed up things are, or if they're OK...

 

Ugh. These aren't necessarily what I think about a lot, but they're in the back of my mind, and it was good to let out... in a way I feel like I'm living for both me & my parents, it's like I'm living vicariously for them and I suppose it does put a lot of pressure on me...

 

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. Thanks again for your thoughts, night.

 

Lily

[Carnatic]

Glad you're thinking that way now... remember though that a good career isn't the only way you can enjoy life. Even if you don't get the grades you need that in no way means that life won't be worth living. You can keep trying, even after you have been knocked back, to succeed a second time round. Alternatively if you end up in a job you don't enjoy you can find other things that give you enjoyment and concentrate on them instead. And finally not every job available to someone without the qualifications to pursue their dream is boring.

[Lily04]

Carnatic,

 

That's true, but having a fulfilling career is a very important thing to me... if I'm not satisfied at my job, I'm pretty sure I won't be satisfied with life. And in some ways, I'd rather not live than have a mediocre/unsatisfying life.

[Lily04]

hmm, actually that law school board I posted about before gave me some excellent advice and hope, and now I am feeling much happier! haha. goes to show how my mood can be changed to the flick of a lightswitch I guess. But anyway... what I realized was that even if I _don't_ become a lawyer, there are many other careers out there that people haven't even heard about. One of the people who responded gave me hope because he graduated from my school & major, with around the same GPA and (perhaps a lower LSAT than I'm anticipating), and we have similar interests... and he's doing labour relations work with a union, and working with lawyers at the side... so even though he's not a lawyer he's still doing some legal-related work. However, he also works at a restaurant at night, so I'm not sure it pays well. But it's not like his life is totally depressing and he's still enjoying what he's doing...

 

I think that's the key to being happy in life -- just finding what you enjoy doing, regardless of the money... and even though he graduated 5 years ago (and at one point decided he didn't want to be a lawyer) his plans changed and he's trying again & applying this year to schools. So it just goes to show that nothing is impossible (that said, I'm not sure if he was accepted anywhere, he wasn't last year... but he's still trying.) I think, after undergrad I'd take a year off, go to a different country & teach English or something like that. And use the time to figure out what I *really* want to do... in the long run law school may be that, but I'm sure there are other things I can do (and it might be good to work a bit to pay off debt anyway.) I can possibly get an internship, learn a new language, volunteer at places, just explore options... it's not like my life is totally set to be mediocre, even if it is a bit untraditional.

 

Yay. Ok, so now I'm feeling better. And I better get to this essay due tomorrow. So thanks again guys... you were there for me when I needed helped as well. I think the quote about "continuing through hell" helped, and reminding me that I have a lot of friends & family that would be devastated as well (online & in real life.)

 

Thanks again,

 

Lily

[Carnatic]

It's nice that you're feeling better now... but I really want you to watch yourself you said your mood can change at the flick of the light switch. So I really hope you aren't pushed over the edge by another change in mood. Remember what someone else said, that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem

[ShySoul]

Lily,

 

Glad you are feeling better. I've had the same thoughts before, that my life is going to go nowhere and that I might as well not be here. But anything can happen in the future, just because things don't go your way now or in the past, doesn't mean they won't turn around. You'll have your moments of doubt, your bad times. It will feel like the end of the world. But there is always a rainbow after the storm. You just have to be patient until you find it. Don't give up. Nothing is worth ending your life over. And I can tell you won't be having a medicore life. You'll have a happy one.

 

All the best to you.