Help! Don't understand him at all!

[Shidoshi]

I guess I see what's going on here but I don't think it's worth all this effort. Then again, I'm not a female. Honestly, and this goes for both genders, if someone truly wants to be in a serious relationship it will show through their actions. Creating scenarios to get a rise out of someone through jealousy may give you the illusion that the other person wants to be with you in a more serious way (depending on how they react), but why would you have to do this in the first place if it's what they've felt all along?

I have to admit though, I am a bit of a player girl (never when I am in a serious, exclusive relationship) as well as a little bit of a tease.

Hmmm, I don't think that qualifies you as a player. "Serious, exclusive relationships" is not the way of the player. Leading guys on just means you're a tease and/or an attention seeker. I really dislike women who do that, but I guess you live and learn. Good luck!!

[finneganswake]

Perhaps I phrased that wrong Shidoshi. I'm just very flirty, but never to the point of giving a guy mixed signals. So for instance, I don't tease guys that I don't honestly like or anything like that.

 

I agree, its not worth the effort. I'll hang out with him, but I'm not going to angst over it. Honestly, when I think about it, I could probably do a bit better (and have before).

 

Last night helped me realise this. I don't know what the deal was but I was hit on by 8 guys at a bar/club I was at with a friend last night! * * *? I am not at all boasting, because this is so uncustomary for me! I got two numbers and both actually called. It was quite funny because the charge of the evening was to find a guy for my flatmate!

 

I guess I can't help but wonder (yes, having a Carrie Bradshaw moment) why women seem to exert so much effort on guys that clearly aren't doing the same with them? When we do have guys that are bending backwards for our attention, those are the ones we pay less attention to which fuels their interest even more. Is the key to keeping a guy acting as if you couldn't care less? I admit I don't know a thing about guys...I'm only 20. I can tell you all about Irish history, plate techtonics and the Jack Abramoff scandal (majoring in geology, american government and British/Irish history) but I don't know how to successfully deal with guys!

 

Maybe I'll just become a nun. Or live in a one room shack in the Montana wilderness...

[Belle]

finn,

 

I believe you are being dishonest to yourself when you say you really really don't want a relationship with him. I think you know it too. And you're making too many excuses for his fickle behavior. Everyone gets hurt. Not everyone does what he did. He's trying to string you along and it's pretty obvious. That's why the advice about playing inconsistently was right on point. He may not be consciously doing it, but he is playing games with you. That's when you play. You don't play when someone is coming to you 100% sincere wanting to move forward. That's the kiss of death for a sincere person who puts their heart out. But in your situation, it would have been better to keep him guessing and to always keep the upper hand. He's too irresponsible to have it so you'd need to be the adult.

 

That being said, no matter how sweetyou think he is, he's still not into you enough to move past his uncertainty. If you can't play the inconsistent game, I think you should give him up.

 

It's not really how much he's been hurt so much as he's not really sure how much he likes you.

[finneganswake]

Yes, Belle I know you're right. Because no matter how hurt or scared a guy is, if he really, really likes a girl, he's willing to take a chance on her.

 

It is upsetting though to think that someone might not really like me for some deficiency in my personality or whatever. I know everyone is flawed, but it stings just a little. Whatever...

[Mjane]

This guy is too confusing and problematical. Never mind what he wants

right o. these guys are the ones messing with heads because they don't have their own on straight. believe what he told you the first time. he can't have a relationship. there is nothing that says you have to be friends. it will probably help you best if you didn't pursue a friendship.

[smittenkitten]

Maybe I'll just become a nun. Or live in a one room shack in the Montana wilderness...

 

LOL! I can relate... I already did the "Montana Wilderness" thing- and now I've got my room reserved at the convent!

 

It is upsetting though to think that someone might not really like me for some deficiency in my personality or whatever. I know everyone is flawed, but it stings just a little.

 

I can relate to this, too. I was speaking with a friend about it, about why some guy didn't call me back after an apparently great 2nd date (no, I wasn't overanalyzing, just like... HUH?!?! What, did I have spinach in my teeth? LOL!) And I mentioned to her that I sometimes feel there's something wrong with me when a guy I like doesn't reciprocate the feeling.

 

She gave me a very interesting, different perspective on the situation. She said, "Did you ever consider the fact that maybe you were too good for him? Maybe he's looking for someone a little "less" than you are- less pretty, or less intelligent, or less spiritual- whatever, for whatever reason. Maybe he's not interested, at this point in his life, in meeting a woman who would challenge him, or be a potential "serious" life partner. Maybe he just wants the "easy" date, the fun date, the casual sex- and so he's looking for someone with whom he won't run the risk of developing a deeper relationship right now."

 

I thought it was an interesting viewpoint. Of course that's not the case for everyone-often, people "just don't click", and that's that- but it sure beats the heck out of assuming that something didn't work out because of some inadequacy on my part!

[smittenkitten]

By the way- in the end, it's up to you. You've gotten a lot of good feedback, and a lot of differing opinions, but I think if you tried to make up your mind based on the responses you've gotten here, you'd wind up with a split personality! LOL!

 

I think the best way to go is to just "follow your energy", as I like to say. If it feels good to be with him, then go with it. If it starts feeling icky & confusing and just- well- NOT fun- then you know you'll be better served putting your energies into something a little more rewarding.

 

 

[Shidoshi]

No one likes to be rejected, but it's a fact of life that most people have to deal with. Look at it like this, you're a good looking female who guys are attracted to so you really have nothing to worry about as far as "options". Now, imagine you were a guy who's been rejected, but rather than having the ability to simply look pretty and attract women, you have to try and overcome any/all insecurities you have and make a concerted effort to approach women and risk rejection every time. That is the life most men have to lead, so consider yourself lucky in that respect.