is there a chance for me

[Big Jim]

More news

Well she wasnt there at school yesterday, and i assumed after our previous converstation she would back off. But surprise surprise i get a phone call at 10 pm and she left a message saying she wanted to say hi and all, sounded bummed. I called her back a while later (i have a hard time avoidng her on purpose) and we talked for about 15, light on my behalf, she was down. Thats it. I am so confuesed by this girl, many days she hasnt called me, then yestereday, right after a big fight and her saying no more talking, she calls. talk about indecisivness. My plan is to just play it cool, be emotionally unattached, be fun and cocky, (which is me normally). I figure that is who she loved, that is who i am, so why not. Me stressing about everything and being pathetic and needy and bringing that up on her is only pushing her away. Im not accepting responsibilty, because she clearly has issues to address, but for my part im not giving her a reason to be mad or resent me anymore. Ive done everything else why not. Anythoughts?

[texasman123]

I would say what you need to do is chill on it. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT CALL HER FOR ANYTHING UNLESS SHE CALLS YOU.... I know you have a connection with her, and I know that she helps you a lot, but try to get through those bad times on your own. Move on, but leave the door open for her. Let her come to you. don't talk about the relationship when you guys are together or talking. If she starts just cut in and say, "lets not talk about this," ; keep things lite and funny. she will start to see you as the person she met, and all of the memories of problems will fade. Just make sure that it is her that is making the first steps towards things. that is of the utmost imporatnce. It sounds like she still has feelings, but is just going through a rather large rough spot, so just be patient. I know thats what I am doing. I'm even dating a great girl right now (after giving up on waiting), and am happy with things. I don;t know what will happen with my ex, and in many ways I still want her back, but meeting someone else makes things much easier and helps with LC and NC. Good luck and keep us posted....

[texasman123]

just got your post after I posted mine. That sounds perfect. keep that up and see what happens. Rememeber to be there for her without being there too much. she sounds like she needs help. don;t be a crutch, but be there when she calls. She will know that you care about her, but that you do want (even if you do) more and are not pushing for more. It is hard and it is what I am doing right now, but trust me, it is the best way to find out what she really wants and to get real emotion from her.

[Big Jim]

Yeah it is hard to play it so cool

Today was interesting. I was heading to class and ran into her in the hallway, chatted for a bit and she sat with me in class. She was in a really good mood and joked around alot. I was resposive so i wasnt boring, but not drooling over her or anything. Well after class she had to go with her frined to do something, and i took off for a bit. This was our spare were we usually ate lunch together. Well when i didnt come back in a bit, she actually called me, which i did not see. Finally i see her at a table and she was like "sit here and eat" we joked around in a group for a bit, then i took off. She is so hot and cold it is ridicous. My only problem with this whole situation is the mentioned guy before. This guy is close with the family for years, so with her too, and has a thing for her. It drives me nuts to think she could be hanging out with him, it really bothers me. But she swears nothing is going on. Dont know what to believe, but taht is the only hard part of all of this.

[texasman123]

If she swears that nothing is going on that is, at least, somewhat of a good sign. If there si something going on then she is lying to you, but it is most likely because she does not want you to know for fear of your relationship with her and no relationship will work for her if she has these feelings for you and is calling you while trying to be with another guy. Then if she is telling the truth then theres nothing. The best thing to try and do is not to worry about it and try to get it out of your micd; keep being civil and light with her; and make her feel no pressure. She will see the guy she fell in love with and it will be your best shot.

 

i just got off the phone with my ex. We had a great, light conversation. no plans and no relationship talk. I could tell she was attracted an wanted to see me, but was waiting for me to make the first move. I dodn't and see text'd me 2 times later this afternoon. thats the way to go. Stick with it buddy....

[Big Jim]

Thanks for the encouraging words Texasman

It helps alot. I feel your right, afterall she still has feelings for me, because after our horrible fight on monday, she called me last ngiht to say hi, even though theres been many nights where things were fine and i never heard from her. I have to be what she fell in love with again, which is what i still am, just not so freaked out and down. My only question is do you feel its too messed up now after the last month and a half of me "pushing"? i really hope i havent screwed it up too badly. But i have been going on about me a while, how is your situation going??

[Big Jim]

Also the only way i see this other guy fitting in is because she is finding it easier to ignore her problems and write it off as all her problems are because of "us". I dont know if that makes sense, but my buddy said that. He feels she is somewhat scapegoating on me sometimes, out of pure reluctance to look at herself which is much harder. I feel she needs some help and is out of sorts, and i am the easiest thing to blame it on. That is the real reason i have hope. After all she quit her ideal part time job, a sweet one for girls, cause she said she hated it. Then a month and a half later, that was all she wanted back and tried hard to get it. I think i was the next expendible thing in her life, (cant get rid of family and long term friends so easily). I dont know if that makes sense, but that is why i have hope. This much i know, weather we work out right now or not, down the road she will regret it bad because we had an amazing thing (everyone says that, but me and her are identical). I just hope its sooner then later! But sorry about that, how is your situation going texasman?

[texasman123]

Good so far. I have taken the super hands off approach and it has lead me to find a great girl thiat I have been spending time with while also getitng my ex to call me and text me with greater frequency. She called this last two weeks three times after getting back fro vacation and wanted me to call her back when I get back from mine. Keep it simple and you will be fine. hang in there....

[Big Jim]

Im trying as hard as i can lol. I didnt talk to her at all last night, then today she didnt show up for shcool. She called me on my spare telling me she just couldnt get the will to go, and was in a horrible mood. As sorry as i felt for her i was kinda happy, since i hadnt talked to her at all the night before, maybe she will connect the dots and see i dont cause her misery. (When i last saw her during the day i had her laughing). Anyway i worked tonight and surprise a message on my phone when i got off. She sounded so miserable and bummed, asked me to call, so i did, but she was so bithcy again, and clearly did not want to talk. I told her i was getting off, adn she apoligized for being like that.

 

My question is if she really didnt want to talk to me, why would she call and leave me messages asking me to call, then when i do seem so uninterested??? Should i assume she is just bummed out, or is she only this way wiht me any input would be apprecitated

[xprincessbugx]

I understand what you mean, and i know that you care about her but don't you get tired of going back in forth with this girl? I think you should just be there for her and be a good friend because obviously she isn't ready for a long term commitment and she's the only one who can help herself through these problems because she hasn't dealt with what happened between her and her ex or something or else she wouldn't have these conflicts. I think just supporting her and trying to help her is great but in the end she has to realize that this is a problem of hers and that one day she's going to have to move on and deal with other issues.

[Big Jim]

Thanks for the reply,

thats what im trying to do is be her friend etc, but at the same time start to move on myself. However, even as a "friend" i find these phone calls odd. She calls me, even though its been established we dont have to everyday or even every two days anymore, and says she wants to talk. However , she is so unresposive that a converstation is impossible. Yet, she continues to call... very odd.

[texasman123]

I'm telling you. She sounds like she is going through some kind of mental disorder. sometimes these things pop up later in life. you have to make the deccision if you want to be with a girl that will be like this to you as I would bet that this behavior will not only change but will probably get worse. I know you love her and want to be with her, but she needs help!!! I would be there for her, but try like the * * * *ens to move on and try to hang out with some other women. I have met someone else and it has really helped me look at things objectively and realize the drama from my ex was really not worth it. Needless to say this is driving my ex crazy as she is starting to call me all the time. Hnag in there, try to move on, and then see what happens with your ex. you will feel 8 thousand times better...

[Big Jim]

Well the last week has been a great time with my ex. We hung out a lot and no fights of anysort. But i dont see any end to things being like this. I love seeing her and talking to her, but she never resovles anything at all, she always is saying lets just drop it and see what happens, ony im left in the dark and have no idea where i stand. It has been almost three months of this. If you have read the previous posts you know some of the story, i just dont know what to do anymore. Ive been doing the LC thing, but i seem to be getting no where. I realized today, that even if she said "lets get back together right now" there is so much stuff hangin around that it would not work. What do i do??? Im tempted to tell her NC, but afraid i will lose her. If the situation was normal i would have in a heartbeat, however she is having so many issues

(depression) that i think NC would make her feel like i abandoned her completely. She has been my best friend for 2.5 years, i dont think it is right to walk away from her. But on the other hand, she treats me amazing half the time and like crap the other half, and seems to feel nothing for it. I do not get her, we were out on the weekend, and she talks like we are still together, everything is "us" when refrerring to the future , "wouldnt it be nice for us to have an apartment?.." etc, but she dumped me. She really opened up to me on friday, and said she had made a lot of mistakes and was starting to realize things (like she has to look at herself for happiness and not someone else) and that there was other things she wanted to talk to me about, only not yet. Half the time i feel like she coming around, the other half like she is just trying to make moving on easier for herself. I am so lost. If you have a chance to read some of this thread, please give me some input, im going crazy thinking about all this all the time.

[Big Jim]

any thoughts?

[curlygirl47]

BigJim, I'll just offer you the advice I've read about forty billion times now in How to Get Your Lover Back. I'm paraphrasing: When you have had plenty of time to create pleasant memories with your ex and you begin to feel that you are taken for granted, always the one waiting, etc. it's time to try the Loving Take-Away. You don't deny her requests for time together, but you just make yourself a little less available. She must know that while you are waiting for her, your life will go on. The best evidence of this is that you continue to go out, have a social life, and take care of yourself physically. Your love is still obvious, but it becomes more subtle.

[Big Jim]

Im confused curly girl

I do see where you coming from about going out and such, because i can tell it bothers her when she hears i had a great weekend etc. But how do i "take the love away" , do i still be there for me when she calls me freaking out about everything? Im just confused as to how to make it more subtle, she knows i love her and all, but im having trouble pulling back some. As far as my own life, she is well aware of that, i work evenings a bit, and workout all the time, im very busy, i just need some more input on how to go about this "taking the love away". Any more advice from your book curly girl? if you dont mind

[texasman123]

I think what she means is that you need to be there for her, but as friend, not as more. If your friend was having problems you would act a certain way, and if your girlfrind had a problem you would act in a more intensive manner. I think what you need to do is act less intensively. If she is having a problem; don;t go over and see her, but just talk on the phone. Make an effort, but don't go out of your way for it...

[curlygirl47]

BigJim,

 

I'll bring my copy of the book to work and post some passages for you. Sorry I don't have it with me today. Some things that stick out in my memory are: "Quiet, persistent, non-demanding love from a person who also respects himself is almost irresistible." By the loving take-away, I think this is emphasized. You become quieter, saying less and offering less, but still listening and being gentle. The author also says, "You must retain the ability to say no" --- in other words, don't be at his or her beck and call every time she calls.

[Big Jim]

Well, i think its time to go to Nc, (if youve been reading this thread)

Her behavior has bothered me for the last time. Last friday she freaked on me for no reason, was so mad, swearing, then hung up on me. I was like that was stupid and went out drinking. Around 2 i get a message saying "sorry" etc and i didnt respond. Went the whole weekend without talking to her, when surprise who is outside of my class on tuesday crying. Spent the whole day with her, she was talking about everything, all the stresses, and even about us. It was a great day, spent the entire time together, and she was saying all the "wouldnt it be ncie if we did this..or i cant wait till we do that etc" and i totally got caught in the moment. Well the week went on and her moods got worse and the hot and cold started up again. Wednesday she was a * * * * *, and we left things on bad terms, then thurday morning i got a message "why didnt you call me last ngiht". Friday was more or less the same durign the day. Well last night went out drinking and was having a good time, got really drunk and she called me late, i was loaded and was happy to hear from her, and she was at some chicks condo and said something like "i would like it have a place like that with you", so i kind of starting saying things "i really miss you" "i think of you all the time" (nothing she hasnt said to me on the days when she is really needy). Well she got all quiet and would try to change the subject all teh time, so i got upset. I asked her stragiht out "how do you feel about things", "i cant answer that, you know i dont know". Its been 3 months, its time she knows already. I finally said, "this is such bull, because if your in that mood im there and reposive, but if i say anything i feel like an idoit for saying it! I'm tired having to put my feelings on your shedule!" Now we havent slept together since we broke up (just once) and she implies things of that nature all the time, but i feel like an idoit when i do because she is so cold to me. I am tired of all of this. Whatever mood she is in , is how it has to be, well no more of this. I think she has not been afraid to lose me since we have broken up, she gets teh best of both worlds, her freedom, and me when she needs it. It is not fair to me adn i plan on telling her this all. Any thoughts or advice on the situaiton???

[Big Jim]

anyone have any input?

[Big Jim]

do i tell her i dont want to talk to her anymore? do i call, email? or just leave it since it was left on bad terms anyway.

anyone have any opionions on this?

[texasman123]

I have been giving you the same adivce on this for awhile, but she is totally dictatring everything to you. you need to go strcit NC now. Not the NC where you are still there for her. Just stop. I would call her or e-mail her and say how you love her and care about her, but the back and forth is just killing you and you don't want to deal with it anymore. then go onto a strcit NC, and STICK TO IT. I mean if she wants to talk about things just don;t do it at all.

 

It breaks down a little like this in my head. a relationship is a package (any relationship). There are htings that go along with the package, if you broke up with her and just said that you wanted to have sex every once in a while that would really piss her off. Well, she is kind of doing that to you. She is just wanting certain aspects of the relationship but not the package. whta's her motivation to get back?? Cut her off, she needs to feel what she has done...

[Big Jim]

Thanks for your advice texasman

I havent talked to her since friday, and she probably thinks im just a little mad. I was talking to my buddy yesterdday and he thinks she feels she will never lose me. He knows her and thinks she is like "this guy really loves me" and kinda uses that to her advantage. But you are right, ive realized this cant go on and am going nc. Afterall she broke up with me, time she experinces what she did