please i need advice

[jkall]

help this is quite long

 

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hi im new here so please forgive me if i am in the wrong place

am under the care of our local mental health services

because of depression which goes from being quite mild to quite scary

i also have to cope with a partner who is quite difficult also my son suffers

from asd

at the moment i am coping with a lot and its really affecting me

my cpn thinks my partner may be suffering from a personality disorder

because of the way he behaves towards authority figures

she has been at my house and experianced him having one of these episodes

and at our consaltation yesterday sudjested i look up personality disorders

this is a exaple of what can happen

 

i recived a phone call on monday 9th jan

from our sons school it is a special needs school

sudjesting a contract of behaviour and that a meting to discuss this

was aranged

the next day through the post a contract signed by our son and his teacher arrived

to which my partner went balistic

i agree the school were in the wrong and we should have been consulted but

he went way over the top in his reaction

he phoned the school

and just went into a triad of aggression towards the staff

he wasnt abusive but very forcfull

when he eventualy got a call back the teacher found the situation amusing

which only fulled his rage

to end was our son didnt go to school on the next few days

to cap it all on the friday morning my partner still feeling beligerant

was going on about how disgusting the staff at the school were

in front of our son he actualy said to our son not to abide by the contract

of behaviour and that if the staff picked on him he was to go to the head teacher

at 9 15 we recived a phone call to say our son had walked in to class and told the staff his dad had told him not to do any thing the teachers told him

so they wernt prepared to have him at the school

they requested we take him home

as we have no transport they brought him home

to which my partner started going on about kidnapping and how they arnt alllowed to take a child of the school premisis without our permission

this is not a isolated incident everytime

he gets a lettrer or someone speaks to him in the wrong tone

its as if he becomes some one else but if you met him he is mr charming its self

i dont no what to do as a result of this he was about three or four years ago

actualy seeing someone to help him

but the support from that quater is no longer availible

this has made me

very unsure about things now and i am at the point where i panic if i think i have done something wrong

i hide letters that i think may annoy him

when i am shoping i am scared that i will buy the wrong things

and i am beginning to hate myself for being like this

i constantly think of leaving but am to scared to try

please can you give me some advice

[darkblue]

Hi jkall, and welcome to enotalone.

I'm sorry no one answered your thread, yesterday - and I have requested that this thread be a sticky because of that.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I want to offer my support in any way possible. You can PM me anytime and I will reply to the thread.

 

First of all, why is your partner not getting treatment now?

Is he diagnosed with a personality disorder? It certainly sounds like a personality disorder.

It is also affecting you, as he is being emotionally, and verbally abusive.

Has he ever been phsyically abusive?

 

Is your son back at school?

[darkblue]

 

You could ask your GP for information regarding how this centre may be able to benefit your son.

[KweenofDenyl]

Hi jkall,

Here are my thoughts: if you are afraid, it is ABUSE.

 

I don't want to tell you what to do or who to contact as I am in the States and I'm not familiar with social services in the UK--I hope someone else will though.

 

Your partner's behavior and your fear of him are probably contributing to your depression, in fact I guarantee it!

 

My ex-husband was very abusive and I believe also suffered from AT LEAST one personality disorder so I can understand how you feel--please PM me if you need to.

-Kween

[Relationship Coach]

Jkall,

Welcome to ENA! I'm glad Dark Blue made this a sticky because I missed it yesterday. I'm very sorry to hear what you are dealing with and I'm glad you have been able to get some help.

 

From what I have read in your post I feel that your husband is the key to this entire problem. Having a special needs child requires the parents to take precaution in everything they say and do. Your husband is setting a horrible example for any child much less one with special needs. I'm not sure how this would work but you may try getting your husband to a see a counselor under the rouse that it is more for his son. In other words, your sound has identified himself more towards your husbands personality and may in fact model his behavior. If your husband attends counseling that is geared towards helping his son, he may then en turn be helping the entire family. Counselors are trained in conditioning the family to create a positive environment for the special needs child.

 

Your husband may very well need to be medically treated for his own issues as well. Too much of this burden has been placed on you and your husband needs to put the family first. You should never be in fear of your husband, that is no way to live. If your husband is not willing to try to help the situation rather than make it worse, you have to do what is best for you at that point. Good Luck.

[Shadows Light]

Your husbands anger and beligerance "IS" a strong contributing factor to your depression. Even steel would succumb to this type of pressure. Your constantly have your trigger finger on the flight/fight mechanism. Meaning you are 'ever' on guard and in fear. This is NO WAY to live.

 

Your son needs to be handled in a consistant manner by both parents. And if you both do not possess those skill sets... you get them.

 

Your husband views the SCHOOL as an enemy. Not as a partner. Which is wrong. He probably feels that your sons difficulties are a personal dig at him and his parenting skills. A reflection on him. I wouldn't be surprised if he started blaming you for your sons ills.

 

As has been stated above... this is too big of a burden to carry on your own. See if you can get your husband into family counseling... for your son's sake. If he is as far gone as you've outlined... I would not be surprised at all... if he feels beligerance toward the counseling and is on the defensive with the family counselor. Its worth a shot.

 

You do everything that is in your control. And when that fails.. you give the rest up to God. You are NOT responsible for your husband. You are not his therapist. You are his wife, his best friend, and his wife.... not his personal punching bag for verbal absuse.

 

You are an adult in control of herself. You need to take care of YOU. So that you can be able to take care of your son... who is yet to young to care for himself.

 

Your a MOTHER... dig deep, drop those roots into the ground and stand strong. You can find the strength within yourself to find your way out of this dance.

 

If you need to talk or vent... feel free to PM me at anytime.

 

Welcome to ENOT. Its a wonderful place for you to get perspective and help yourself. and sometimes help others through difficulties they are facing through your own personal field of experience.

[jkall]

thankyou for your responses

i know in my own mind i am being abused mentaly but i just dont have the strenghth to go so many things hold me

firstly i have been with this man for 18 years i have a very unstable background myself i have gone thorugh so much before he came along and i am scared of being alone and coping

i know also there are many help and support groups but i am unsure how to

aproach them

even with the support of my cpn i am still frightend not of the physical

i have had that before but just of trying to start again

i have very little confidence in my self or belife

but thankyou for answering