Has anyone returned to a cheating partner?

[mrmaximum]

If she doesn't come grovelling back to you pleading for you to forgive her and to take her back then she doesn't want you. That's my rule of thumb.

 

Well Dove, JennyNifer I'll start with Eire1's quote as it works well. The bottom line is this, you will have quite the amount of mending to do. If there where problems prior to you stepping out they too will have to be dealt with, but to repair the foundation of your relationships you are going to have to lose some privacy for a while. Your're going to have to open your life up, schedule, cell phone, email, passwords, the whole enchilada. Your SO's at this point are very fragile right now and have to know that you are trustworthy, this time your word means nothing and your actions everything. Just like Eire put it, you will have to plead and beg for them not to bounce.

 

Whatever they ask you will have to do. If they want to know where you are, you need to tell them. If you are going to come home at a certain time, BE EARLY. You no longer have the luxury of being late and not having them lose their minds in the meantime. It may mean no more girls nights out (and this advice woud be the same for men aswell) for the time being and possibly for a long time. It may seem strenous and tedious at times having him look over your shoulder like you are an irresposible child, but this is the 'payment' so to speak when looking for free love. Call it an amusement tax if you will, the price is high, but no matter what you think you have to pay, your SO is paying a much higher price.

 

This may also mean in the future that you may never be allowed to have any male friends. I don't know your story so I couldn't even infer what your SO's may even ask of you, but I can indeed tell you that some of your previous 'rights' have been temporarily revoked and some others will be permanently so. If you want to stay with them, you may have no choice but to agree. Remember, in your heart of hearts you may never cheat again, but your SO's are trying to prevent what I like to call the "Terminal Precedent". It simply means; "How do I take back my WS without them thinking that they got away with murder and doing it again." YOU know that you will never cheat again, but they will NEVER be 100% sure of that. No one can read minds, all we have are people's actions and they say quite a bit!! All the words in the world will never convince them otherwise, all you have is your commitment to whatever they ask for reconcilliation.

 

One last thing, do not EVER complain about what he is putting your through unless he is asking you utterly ridiculous things. This is the only way for him to find a way to trust you once more as your honesty has been called into very serious judgemet. Any complaints will be viewed as selfish and not true commitment to reconcilliation. I hope you have learned a valuable lesson in this that gambling with your relationship in this manner is only a lose-lose situation.

 

If you came clean with your SO's then I give you props. Others may disagree with me but there are quite a few people who will look at that as a way of seeking pennace for what has been done. To show that you are truly sorry and want you both to make ammends. This is the biggest reason why I took my ex back and it did mean a lot to me at the time. If they had to find out on their own, you may already be sunk. No one can keep an eye on their SO's 24/7.

 

I do wish you good luck.

[blueeyedme]

Interesting question... I was married at 26 and my wife cheated with a co-worker in the first 6 months. We worked through it and managed to stay married for 13 years and 3 kids. I will say, you can forgive but you never forget. 22yrs later and 9 years after my divorce, I can still easily recall his name and the circumstances however, there is no feeling or emotion attached to this memory.

[JennyNifer]

mrmaximum,

 

Thank you for all the insight. I have never been cheated on and couldn't have imagined all the things that could be going through his mind at this time. Some of the things you listed had not even crossed my mind, i.e being late, or removing certain people from my life. It seems like I have done damage that can never be fixed, that no matter what I do, there will always be that doubt in me. I can live with the fact that I may have to give up certain people, or certain "privilliages", and have to basically turn my entire personal life over to this man. Will he ever respect me again, or be able to look at me the same. Are people truly able to forgive or do they fool themselves and the ones they love?

[karvala]

I think it's possible to truly forgive, certainly. To truly forget, however, I'm not so sure about, which means to fully trust again afterwards will inevitably be a long way down the road, if attainable at all.

[JennyNifer]

Seeing that I am not ready to give up all together and have not been told "it's over", does anyone have any advice on things I can do to confirm my love and commitment for him. Maybe ways of showing how terrible and broken I feel for what I've done. I want him to understand what a life changing event this was for not only him, but me. I need him to see that is was a horrible mistake and one that I regret everyday. I need him to understand I will never put us through this pain again, I don't ever want to see him suffer the way he has.

[ttran]

my wife cheated on me last year. we are still together physically but not mentally. she apologizes everyday. gave up her freedom. and tattoed my name on her body. but i still cant look at her the same as before, we have been together 12 years. What troubles me most about my story and alot of the others is. How is it that no one knows why they cheated. I think if i were to cheat it would be because i wanted to or i was horny. just my 2 cents. for all the women that cheated out there. i cant explain the pain it causes a man that really cares for his woman. there is nothing worse.

[mrmaximum]

my wife cheated on me last year. we are still together physically but not mentally. she apologizes everyday. gave up her freedom. and tattoed my name on her body. but i still cant look at her the same as before, we have been together 12 years. What troubles me most about my story and alot of the others is. How is it that no one knows why they cheated. I think if i were to cheat it would be because i wanted to or i was horny. just my 2 cents. for all the women that cheated out there. i cant explain the pain it causes a man that really cares for his woman. there is nothing worse.

 

Man or woman, they don't want to tell you. What she is doing is self preservation, plain and simple. If she told you why she did, she feels like you would leave. "I don't know" works for young kids, not adults, there is now way that there was no thoughts in her head whatsoever as the affair transpired. Your left asking why so you can try to rebuild but there may not be a relationship left to save if she discloses everything. Just another reason why people who want to have LTR shouldn't cheat. I feel for you ttran, it sucks being in that sitch, and I hope you get past it.

[CallingAllAngels]

My exhusband cheated on me. I divorced him as I know I could never trust him again. He deceived me for years. It would have been easier to go back but the lack of trust would always be between us.

[JennyNifer]

my wife cheated on me last year. we are still together physically but not mentally. she apologizes everyday. gave up her freedom. and tattoed my name on her body. but i still cant look at her the same as before, we have been together 12 years. What troubles me most about my story and alot of the others is. How is it that no one knows why they cheated. I think if i were to cheat it would be because i wanted to or i was horny. just my 2 cents. for all the women that cheated out there. i cant explain the pain it causes a man that really cares for his woman. there is nothing worse.

 

 

Well, I do know why I cheated. I was lonely as hell. We are a long distance couple and have been struggling with that fact for a while. I attempted many times to explain how "unimportant and lonely" I felt in his life. He of course would always confirm how important I was in his life, but when we did see one another it was difficult to tell that. He never seemed to "really listen" to me about this, and I felt it was huge considering I was moving myself and my daughter to be with him.

 

So I let myself feel comfort for one night from another man. What turned into drinks with friends and someone being "extreamly interested' in what I had to say, turned into a horrible mistake very quickly.

 

Being the one that cheated I have learned a lot about myself. I DO NOT blame my mistake on alcohol. I think that is a weak excuss that people tend to lean on. I take full responsibility for what I've done. I know that we may never be together like we were, but I did use this as a learning experience. I learned how weak I can be in certain situations. I've leaned that there are certain things I need out of a relationship and that I have to make that clear or it's not the right relationship for me.

 

So to anyone who has cheated:

 

CONFESS what you have done. Don't be weak and scared of what you have done, own it! You did it, now be brave enough to tell what you did. No matter what happens after you takes this step, what you must do is LEARN from it. Look deep within yourself, what made you do this?

[mrmaximum]

So to anyone who has cheated:

 

CONFESS what you have done. Don't be weak and scared of what you have done, own it! You did it, now be brave enough to tell what you did. No matter what happens after you takes this step, what you must do is LEARN from it. Look deep within yourself, what made you do this?

 

I give you HUGE props for this!!! Not many people who have done the act are willing to say those words!! At least you and your SO have some ground you can now work from, a BS who gets the; "I don't know why I did what I did!" has no idea how to stop a relapse as they have no idea why it occurred in the first place!!!

 

It takes huge cojones to admit to your part in the problem, you are only the second person to admit to this that I have ever come accross and AI have indeed come accross quite a few.

 

Kudos to you, you have come quite a ways just with this post!!!

[JennyNifer]

Thank you mrmaximum.

[so374]

I took a cheater back, we are together for about 6 months now, it's very hard and if it wasn't because of my kids I will never be with him again. I don't trust him I don't love him like I use too, I see pictures of him cheating on me on my mind all the time.

things will never be the same between us, our relationship is over.

[2nd Best]

Yes...I have and we are still together. It has been a rough road but things are working out. You have to be strong, if you really want to work things out. It's hard to trust that person again but it could eventully be regained.

[cs90453]

I too have to appreciate your honesty JennyNifer. It takes alot of courage to say what you said. Although I don't agree with what you did in that situation of course, I do admire the fact that you take the responsibility for the act. That's something that more people need to do for the person. I feel that anyone who is asking someone for forgivness need to accept the responsibility for the action and not try to place blame or justify the act. I always feel that when I hear justification for something that we believe is wrong means that someone is saying that they were pushed to do something. Thanks again for being honest.

[JennyNifer]

I too have to appreciate your honesty JennyNifer. It takes alot of courage to say what you said. Although I don't agree with what you did in that situation of course, I do admire the fact that you take the responsibility for the act. That's something that more people need to do for the person. I feel that anyone who is asking someone for forgivness need to accept the responsibility for the action and not try to place blame or justify the act. I always feel that when I hear justification for something that we believe is wrong means that someone is saying that they were pushed to do something. Thanks again for being honest.

 

Well I appreciate that. I don't agree with what I did either. I had to learn a very hard lesson and loose a very special man, but I don't want him to live with that for the better of me. I finally stopped asking him to give me another shot. I realized the pain he would go through trying to be with me. He is an amazing man and deserves to have a worry free relationship. This doesn't mean I don't think of him daily and don't wish we were still together. I just love him enough to stop his pain, and keep asking God for strength to make me a stronger person. I don’t ever want to get caught up in temptation like that again.

[cs90453]

Well it takes a big person to admit when they have made a mistake so for that I thank you. The important thing is that you try and learn from any experience and I guess that you're doing your best in this case also. Even though my relatioship didn't work out dosen't mean that I'm off the hook for everything that went wrong. I admit to everyone that I was the cause of some things that went sour and I will always say that. It's when the other person dosen't admit that they too were causing problems is when I have a problem.

[mrmaximum]

Well it takes a big person to admit when they have made a mistake so for that I thank you. The important thing is that you try and learn from any experience and I guess that you're doing your best in this case also. Even though my relatioship didn't work out dosen't mean that I'm off the hook for everything that went wrong. I admit to everyone that I was the cause of some things that went sour and I will always say that. It's when the other person dosen't admit that they too were causing problems is when I have a problem.

 

Yup, I too wasn't blameless when my ex cheated on me a few years ago. Yes it takes two to tango and I will be the first to say that about myself as well. However, just like you stated CS, how are you supposed to fix something that one person essentially is denying? Not only is justiying their actions placing responsibility on somoene else, but is also is insinuating that what they did wasn't even wrong and acceptable because of the circumstances. If that is the case then how is the relationship ever supposed to heal from that? It essentially means that one must keep the other chaste and watch their P's and Q's to do so.

 

I came accross someone like this a few years ago and I did feel for them. Thinking about how to keep their SO from stepping out again while being the sole breadwinner in the family and thinking about saving for the post secondary educations of both their kids. Not fun, not fun at all.

 

JennyNifer, I'm sorry to hear that your SO has moved on. It somewhat bothersome when you hear about people giving their WS another chance while they are still in contract with the OW/OM or are showing no remorse for their choices and here you are understanding it and it may be over. I hope your fortunes change, you never know, yeah?

[JennyNifer]

mrmaxumum,

 

I love this quote. I think everyone should remember this daily!

 

"You can do anything you want, so long as you're willing to face the consequences" Mr. Nichol

[cs90453]

You're exactly right mrmaxumum. When I was trying to fix things with my ex, I was so careful not to upset her and give her an excuse to do it again. The things that she said that made her want to do it was so trivial thinking back on it and I realize now that I was in no condition to think things through that I was doing everything just to try and make her happy, even if it meant that I wasn't happy.

 

Looking back, I see now that she was willing to drive me crazy to keep her reputation in tact. This is why I'm so impressed with the way you put things JennyNifer. You simply were honest and even though you and your SO couldn't work things out, he at least is not carrying the guilt that he did things to directly cause the affair. My ex didn't show me that support that you did and maybe things would have been different if she did.

 

I feel that when these things happen to a relationship, both people need to sit and talk about the problem and let each other know what they would be looking for to get the relationship back. These processes are hindered when the person who had the affair is trying to throw up smoke and mirrors, trying to give some dignified response at the expense of the cheatee.

[mrmaximum]

mrmaxumum,

 

I love this quote. I think everyone should remember this daily!

 

"You can do anything you want, so long as you're willing to face the consequences" Mr. Nichol

 

 

Mr. Nichol was actually my ninth grade Health Teacher. He was there for co-op so he hadn't gotten his teaching diploma at the time and he was with us only for half the semester. It had quite the affect on me and I've never forgotten it.

[JennyNifer]

You should not have felt it to be YOUR responsiblility to KEEP her from doing it again. All you can do is be good to the one you love and hope they give you that back. There are two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere inbetween.

 

There is NO WAY he did anything to CAUSE me to have an affair. Sure we had out problems, but I didn't do it from result of what he didn't do. Like I said earlier. I just got lonely, we lived in separate states for two LONG years. In the end I learned a lot of myself and a lot about him. I also learned how quickly you can fall if your not careful. My mom always told me growing up ..... don't do anything you couldn't look yourself in the mirror and be okay with, because that is God starting back at you. And I have to admit that I couldn't look at myself for a day or two.

 

I have really enjoyed being able to come here and get things off my chest and how friendly eveyone has been. I should have done this long ago.

[cs90453]

Very insightful comment. I feel it's so refreshing when I say what I feel about things. I agree that it isn't the end of a relationship if someone cheats. I was alot like you in my perspective of cheating in a relationship. I feel that I try to look at all angles when trying to fix a problem and an affair is no different. I looked at things that my ex was bringing up and I never downplayed anything that she mentioned were problems. The truth, people sometimes takes things for granted in a relationship and I was no different. I had my faults and I still do, but so did she. I accepted her faults and saw her good qualities so it didn't matter to me when she did and said things that were sometimes bothersome.

 

I feel that when she had the affair, it was like she felt that she was doing everything right and I was doing things so wrong she had enough points collected to cash on something that was entirely for her. We too went through councilling. She wasn't being honest to herself and me, lied about how long it was and where it happened...especially lied about how she felt about me and the OM. Things were doomed from the start because we didn't really have a chance to rebuild the trust or anything in the relationship. Catching someone who is constantly lying and then defending her actions makes that uphill climb much more difficult.

 

So I guess that every relationship can be saved but everyone involved has to be honest. That would be my advice to anyone trying to fix things. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes but problems have to be completely exposed in order to fix it. That cancer will grow back if it isn't completely removed.

[JennyNifer]

The only problem is that not enough people are capable of forgiveness. Good people make bad mistakes. IN MY OPINION, and I hope I do not offend anyone .... if God can forgive then who is man to think he can't ....

 

(John: 8: 1-11)

 

 

 

A woman was brought before Jesus by the people. They say unto him, "Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?" Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them,

 

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

 

When they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last. Jesus said to the woman, "Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?" She said, "No man, Lord". And Jesus said unto her, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more".

[cs90453]

Good point...I for one isn't planning on throwing any stones at anyone including my ex. It also says Thou shalt not commit adultry and Thou shalt not convent thy neighbour's wife. I guess that there's alot of things in there that isn't followed. I don't follow it but I do try to live a good life and do onto others as I would have them done unto me. It's like some people have said, it isn't always the end of a relationship, just makes things more difficult to mend.

[xrayspex]

I haven't, but my friend did. Her cheating husband persuaded her to take him back, then spent the next year still cheating and feathering his nest for the OW by cleaning out their bank accounts slowly. He even stopped paying their mortgage for the last 3 months and she had no idea, she thought everything was fine. One day he woke up and left for "work" and never came home, left her with the kids and a house about to be foreclosed on and very little money and moved in with his OW. She's still trying to get it all worked out in court but she's had a very hard time of it.

 

I'd never be able to take a cheater back. Once someone cheats they can hit the road as far as I'm concerned.