he says he doesn't mean to hurt me

[naomickon]

I've been in an abusive controlling relationship for just over a year, and when your in that type of a relationship you tend to feel all alone but after reading a couple messages i can relate to what some of you are going through.

My boyfriend has problems with low self esteem, which he by no means should. So in order for him to feel like a better person, or boost his ego he controlls me. He will say certain thing like get me water, I'll set it down and hell say, no over here. I am a kind person so doing stuff for other people especially someone your in love with isn't a big deal, but he make me do stuff all the time like on tahnks giving we were going to dinner with his family and we were suppose to be leaving, so i asked him to turn off the music in the basement so we could leave. he sat there and said i'm not turning it off you do it, he sat on the couch and said fine, then i guess were not going, mind you his whole family arranged dinner around my work schedule so I could go. He refused and laid on the couch. so I finally went down there and turned it off, now t's I'm not leaving until you through your ciggarettes away, at this time i was working on quitting but right then being the time so i handed him my cigarettes and he smashed them on the floor with his foot. We were then leaseving and i started crying he said what the * * * * is the matter with you.my anwer being "nothing" as i was afraid if i said anything else it would turn into another argument. we'll let me tell you that didn't go over well now I'm a lying * * * * *(his favoroite chioce of words)he then states"ofcourse there is some thing wrong your sitting there crying you stupid * * * * *. We get to the resteraunt and he pulls up to the front door and said get out in shock i apparently didn't move fas enough, so his comment was "are you going to get the * * * * out or not, so i got out and waited for him in the entry way. He came in and said"i'm sorry for acting like a jerk"ok.So nowthat i've been emoitionallythrough the ringer I'm glad your ok, and this is just one afternoon, I could write you a book. He also have physicall abuse me. My emotional abuse is your stupid, your psycho, your gaining to much weight, and I'm constantly being compared to his mother and ex girlfriends about how the did things.He plays pool leauge twice a week, and usually plays in a tounement o the weekend. If there is a night i say fine i"ll go out with my friends which i never do , but the that instantly makes me a slutt.or if i suggest that we stay home and do stuff with my daughter or me he says I;m controlling. I could go on and yes he has phsically abuse me broke my had in 4 place thrown me up against walls and punched me in the stomach. I could go on and on about alot of stuff, but what I want to know is how do i handle this situation so it gets better and if it cant how the hell do i get out of this the thoght of leaving him drives me batty. My whole plan was that I was going to fix him, there is a good guy in there somewhere. But after doing all your reading you cant fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed, you can't force an alcoholic to stop dreaking just cause you say so, that doesn't work, that person most like wont quit and will probably end up lying about drinking.FACT you can not fix anyone that doesn't want to be fixed. And one more question do I really love him? I'm stuck in this control circle by always trying to please him I'm to busy tring not to piss him off that i have no time to think about whether i love him or not. I'm just stuck in this little controll sycle and I cant get out please help me get out PLEASE! [/COL OR]

[DN]

Find the nearest women's shelter, call them and tell them your situation. They will advise you how to leave him. Do it as soon as you possibly can, now if that is possible.

[DN]

 

 

This is a google page of shelter's in Milwaukee, I could not find anything where you live. Call one of these numbers and they will help you find something, perhaps closer to where you live.

 

Do not hesitate - get out of this idiot's life now. He does not love you, he only loves himself.

[naomickon]

i have a 5 year old daughter i can't live in a shelter

[naomickon]

thank you for your kindness

[DN]

Most shelters will take you and your child until better alternatives can be arranged.

 

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is how relationships - her relationship - should be?

[DN]

Alternatively, call the police and have him arrested for domestic assualt the next time he lays a finger on you or even threatens you. They will evict him from the marital home. Then let the courts deal with him.

 

 

[DN]

Sheboygan County

 

COUNTY SOCIAL SERVICES

1011 N. 8th St.

Sheboygan, WI 53081

414-459-6400

DOMESTIC ABUSE SHELTER

Safe Harbor

P.O. Box 582

Sheboygan, WI 53082

414-452-8611

max time to stay-30 # of beds-7 COMMUNITY ACTION AGENCY

Lakeshore-see CAA appendix

 

 

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT

615 N. 6th St.

Sheboygan, WI 53081

414-459-3111

[ElektraHere]

Naomi

 

You need to leave this situation FAST! It is not good and the love you have for him he obviously does not return to you.

The shelters DN speaks of will take you in they would rather you be safe and away from the abuse then turn you away because you have a daughter.

Please if not for your sake for your daughters she is seeing this and when she gets older she may be in that same situation. Thinking that it is just a normal part of a relationship.

 

Good Luck to you!

[romantic sweetheart]

He hurts you because he does not love himself. I learned this the hard way this past year. And because I have not loved myself, I fell into this cycle, the cycle that never seems to end.

 

In our hearts, we want only to bring love to another soul. Naturally, we seek to comfort those who are in pain. Those of us who have been hurt, damaged, scarred....we seek to heal ourselves by helping others. Sometimes, we forget to help ourselves. By rescuing others, we believe we can save ourselves, we can right the wrongs in our own lives.

 

If we are being abused, we live out our pain by taking on his pain. If we are the abusers, we live out our pain by taking it out on others. Neither of these situations is healthy. Both people are hurting. The cycle of destruction is powerful.

 

I have written extensively on this subject because I understand it so well, and have experienced it deeply....I want to tell you...that you are precious, that you are loved, and that you must love yourself enough to turn the desire for healing..inward, to your own heart.

 

The most painful thing in the world is to feel as though we have failed someone or abandoned them. This is because on some deep level, we feel we have been abandoned. If we can love someone enough, we will bring out their best, right? In a healthy situation, this is true. But when two people are caught in the dark river of pain and violence, all you can do is try to survive....there is no time for romance, gentleness, respect, honour...These things are fleeting in the force of destruction.

 

In a healthy relationship, both people are intune to one another's highest good. In a strange way, leaving the abuser means you are doing what is best for him. Because if we choose to stay, we choose to condone his actions more and more...And instead of healing, he will only continue to take out his grief, self-hatred, and rage on you and possibly your daughter......

 

All we can do is bless them and pray for them, love them in our hearts, but love them enough to walk away.......

 

I wish I could write more, but I must go now...I want to bless you...and send you love...and strength...and honour.....

[venus777]

Shelters for women and children suffering from domestic violence tend to be WAY better than for any other type of shelter.

 

I urge you to go to one.

 

I thought it so poignant how you said that you don't even have time to think about whether you love him; that's exactly the point. He doesn't want you to leave because he loves to control you; he FEARS losing the person who makes him feel powerful, because without you he'll be nothing, have nothing to control and abuse. So he abuses you to break down you emotionally.

 

I had an abusive relationship before. He used to call me a weak person a lot and a nervous person. No one else I know would EVER describe me that way. I'm a very strong person, especially now that I left him. And I know that he just wanted me to feel weak so I'd be under his control.

[Shadows Light]

As painful as this is going to be.. and as hard as that first step is...

 

You need to leave.. and leave NOW. If not for yourself.. for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking this is ok??? Do you want her growing up in fear?? She hears and see's all of this and is probably scared.

 

This is no way for her to live or you.

 

Please Please Please... be strong and break the cycle. Don't tell him you are going to leave. Do not tell him your plans. Contact the nearest Womens shelter and tell them what you told us. Better yet.. print the copy and hand it to them... They have seen this countless number of times.. and they will be able to help you and your daughter.

 

Your BF is on a control freak HIGH. He gets his kicks off of making you squirm.

 

The story of you going to a restaurant... hit a chord with me. This had happened to me many times. And I'd just lived with it. Thought nothing of it. Dismissed it. Until the time it happened in front of my MOTHER..and i was embarrassed. I was yelled at for getting out of the car, walking 3 steps and I'd forgotten my purse in the car. He blew a GASKET. And later.. said I was too sensitive. uggggghhhh.

 

I have 2 little girls. I don't want them to think that what I was getting is OK. And more over... I couldn't fathom his anger being taken out on them. THAT WAS MY UNDOING... when I saw it starting to happen!!!