33 years old, going bald and feeling more womanly...

[girltrappedinside]

Pretty sad title for a message, huh? That's how I feel at the moment. Tonight, after my wife went to work her shift as a nurse I tried on the maternity clothes (green blouse with sequens, and green maternity pants) and furry house slippers, and did some poses in front of the mirror. I do not know why, but when I put on feminine clothing I feel more sexy. I don't necessarily LOOK sexy. In order to be able to look at myself in the mirror I had to shave my goatee.

 

My face has that "filled in" look that persons have a number of years after they have finished high school. I inherited my eyes, nose and lips from my mother. My face is soft, appearance-wise and to the touch. My body is 'average' in appearance. Definitely not 'feminine', but I would say that it is softer than average for a male. My butt is my greatest ASSet, figuratively speaking. I believe I inherited my butt (and perhaps my hips, since they're sort of big for a male) from my mother, LOL.

 

I did some poses in erotic fashion, bending over to touch my toes and admire the way my butt looks in those maternity pants. Thinking back to the one time that I dressed enfemme in public (a night out on the town) way back in the mid 1990's when I was in my early 20's, my butt has kept its lovely shape ever since. In a twisted sort of way it's sometimes the only thing I feel I have left that keeps a firm grip on that hidden girly side of me. What I mean is, that I am losing my hair. Right down the middle of my head. It depresses me often, and I can't wait until there are actually 'hair banks' that sell hair to be transplanted. I will be the FIRST in line to get that part of my youth and 'pretty boy' looks back, LOL! So, in the meantime I just focus on the parts of my body that still appear shapely, young, whatever. I'm rambling, sorry.

 

In the past my wife and I talked about my gender "confusion". No doubt I have some confusion with my gender. It shows in the way I converse with people. I'm soft with guys, in a submissive sort of way. I've never been a macho sort of guy, someone who feels the need to snort, fart, scratch armpits, whatever, in order to feel accepted into the gang of monkeys. I love beautiful colors, telling women that their hair looks wonderful, or telling guys that they look nice in a certain shirt, etc. I'm pretty emotional for a guy. I shed tears when I hear stories about people that overcome obstacles or that experience heartache. I cry when I watch sad movies, hear songs from my favorite years (the 1980's), or read sad books. I cry when people are hurt, when our pits are hurt. I love listening to the things that women talk about, but have a difficult time conversing with them as a 'man'. There are only two women at my workplace that I feel I get along with, like, and am accepted by. One is a lesbian, I'm pretty sure about that. The other one told me the other day that "could tell the first day I met you that you are in tune with the world around you, that you're 'different'". The guys there I'm not sure whether I get along with. Honestly, I feel sort of attracted to a number of them. Please note that I would NEVER cheat on my wife, and that means that unless I ever become divorced from her (she is literally my other half, so I refuse to see that happening) I won't be doing anything sexual with men. [Edited: I DID do some sexually with a man recently in a "bookstore", had totally blocked that out of my mind, Sorry] I feel trapped, to say the least. I can't "go out" with men, and do macho things, because I'm for the most part not interested in doing things that are macho. And, I can't go out with women, either, because that wouldn't feel right to me. I wouldn't like it if my wife went out with "guy friends". I hate to sound possessive, but maybe that's just the way I was brought up, LOL.

 

My wife and I have talked about the things that I would want to do cosmetically. I would never want breasts (definitely not as long as I am married to her, and definitely not unless I looked like a woman otherwise from the outside), and I would NEVER lose the friend that hangs between my legs, LOL. My little buddy down there has been with me since the beginning, and he's sticking with me 'til the end. Besides, we have an ongoing relationship, and I keep in touch with him often. The things that I WOULD want to do are to make my face more androgynous. For me, that is the most obvious thing that needs to change. A feminine face would fit my personality perfectly. That would mean having a normal-looking head of hair, more feminine facial cheeks to compliment my lips, a less pronounced brow area, a larger chin, contouring of the nose (I need a septoplasty anyway) and reshaping of the teeth, to straighten them and make them look more feminine. I would want to have my facial and body hair (chest, belly, arms, legs, neck, hands, feet) permanently removed. I could care less if I ever have hair in those areas again. Sometimes I do like to do athletic things, but for the most part I am not concerned whether my body looks masculine or athletic at all. I would love for my arms to look thinner and my hips and butt to be more shapely. I'd love for my neck to look thinner.

 

For years now I have known that I would love to look and be androgynous, able to switch personalities and convincingly switch my appearance of masculinity and feminity on-the-fly (likely spending more time enfemme, but always being "husband" to my wife).

 

Are there any others here who feel the way I do? I feel very alone in the world right now, spiritually, sexually, and in many other ways. Right now we don't have the funds for me to go out and get a bonafide counselor that is experienced in the sexual studies fields. I just discovered this site tonight, and the title of the website makes me feel better.

[hosswhispra]

Hello girltrappedinside,

 

It sounds like you are questioning your gender identity and sexuality, for quite awhile. I know that you said that you don't have the funds to see a counselor---but do you have any medical insurance coverage? I think it would be most beneficial if you were able to discuss your feelings with someone/counselor who is experienced with gender identity and sexuality questions. There is also a gay, bisexual and transgender forum here at enotalone.

 

hosswhispra

[ElektraHere]

Hello,

 

Does your company have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? Ask your HR person. I know the ones they have had at the companies i have worked for you can get 10 free sessions with a counselor. Perhaps you could find one in your area that offers a sliding scale fee based on your income?

 

Have you ever thought you just might be a very feminine gay man? You said you didn't want to get the surgery that would take your "friend" away so perhaps you aren't a girl trapped on the inside. I cannot know what you are going through but I do know that we all must find our true self. If that means you live your life as a gay male to make you happy then that is what you need to find out. The one thing is your wife, how is she dealing with all this? Does she know about the bookstore incident?

 

Good luck to you.

[girltrappedinside]

Thanks for the replies, friends. Yeah, my wife is aware of the bookstore incident. I think that I am a pretty honest person with her. Anytime that I have lied to her (only time has been when I kept parts about my sexual tendancies and experiences in the past, secret), I've always been overwhelmed with a guilty conscious and told her the truth. I know that's not a good excuse, and I honestly believe that there is NEVER a good excuse for lying, but she has become more and more open about who I am on the inside, more accepting. At least she says so. Recently she did leave me for a couple of weeks. There were a lot of pressures on her. She's pregnant, the baby is due in May. My job history has been spotty at best. I'm one of those persons with an obsolete (or at least diminshed in demand) two-year college degree, it's been very difficult for me to find work that is intellectually stimulating for me, and a pleasant environment to work in. Usually you don't get that stimulation working in a factory on a production line. Part of the reason she left me was that it hurt her that I let another man touch me (oral sex only), because to her that seems a void that she can't fill in our sexual relationship. I'm into anal sex, the receiving end of it. I play with sex toys. You know, I do not think that I'm a gay man. I took that gay/straight/bisexual test online last night, and it said (I know, just another quiz of millions out there) I was "absolutely bisexual", or something like that. Loving her does mean that I will not ever touch another man in a sexual way again. That does make me sad. I can't change that part of me. For her, me, or anyone else. But, I love her enough that I will suppress part of myself (unless she opens up a bit more or becomes more dominant at times in our sex) til death do us part. I'm satisfied sexually with her. She was a 34 year old virgin (no lie, I got my "blood wings", LOL) when I met her, and I can see her opening up a little more over time. While there is no question that I am attracted to men, too (feminine men, dominant men, it really doesn't matter as long as I feel they're 'pretty', and I've always been strongly attracted to the transsexual scene), I am very much attracted to women, too. Quite honestly (sometimes I get the feeling my wife doesn't believe me, LOL), when I am attracted to men it's in a sexual sense. Secret desires and fantasies, things like that. When I'm attracted to women, it seems it's either butts that I'm attracted to, or it's the clothing and mannerisms that I'm attracted to. I'm rambling, and don't really know the direction I want to go with in my thoughts here. At my work place I'm just a temp employee, and because my wife left her job for awhile, she lost her insurance benefits. Now, if I could just figure out a dang way to KEEP MY HAIR!

[novaseeker]

A couple of things.

 

First, all of this sounds rather familiar to me. I've walked down many of the same roads, with perhaps different conclusions to the ones you seem to be drawing so far.

 

Second, what does your wife really think about all of this. That's really issue number one of importance. This issue can wreck marriages, it really can. There are relatively few women who are tolerant of this and/or who are interested in making things work when a guy comes out as being somewhat transgendered after entering into the marriage. To be honest, it's a very difficult issue for wives to deal with, and it brings up multiple, myriad issues ranging from the bedroom to self-image and self-worth to name only a few. I would recommend really understanding what her perspective on all of this is, and then deciding how important these things are to you in the context of your relationship with your wife. It's unlikely that your wife will suddenly develop a "dominant" side and want to "take you" in bed ... that's not what she signed up for, and it's probably not what she wants, and so it's not really realistic or fair to expect she will develop this and be comfortable with it.

 

Third, there are other ways that you can express a transgendered aspect to your personality without crossdressing or making physical changes to your body. If you decide to pursue this route our of consideration for your wife and your marriage, or for other reasons, a gender identity therapist may be of help to you.

[girltrappedinside]

What other avenues of expressing my other "side" are there? One of them that I have been thinking of lately is to take theatre and/or dancing classes, though I'm not sure just how tolerant those environments would be of me just being.....me. There are days that I do feel masculine, but MOST of the time I feel either NOTHING (as in not feeling particularly masculine or feminine) or some form of supressed feminity. Not my wife's fault at all, and I'm not looking at all to point fingers. I realize that we're all wired differently, but in a cosmic way we are all woven together.

[novaseeker]

Things like that, yes. Also creative pursuits, things like that. And in part stopping caring so much about gender categories as well, and just be who you are, which is sometimes masculine and sometimes not, and not worry about it.

 

The thing is, you have to decide what you really want out of life and your current relationships. That's tough, but it must be done.