Not sure what to do...

[Try2Understand]

So I'm not really sure what to do right now. On Friday night I was heading out to the bar with my girlfriend of a few months and we got into a fight and now she says she can't date me any more and when I ask if we can talk she says she doesn't know.

 

Let me lay a little background:

I think we met in the beginning of October. We started hanging out and we took it slow at first. I could tell she liked me and I liked her and I waited probably a good week before I even made a move to kiss her. Things went pretty well for a while. We hung out a lot and did things together. We always chatted online at work when we had some time. Sometime we would grab lunch together. We went on some wine tours with friends and really started to become close. In this time we really had only a couple arguments if you could even call them that. One was because she had asked me to come out to meet her family during the holiday break from work. I said I would think about it and when I finally said I would but that I wanted to come back a few days after christmas so I could have some time with my family she withdrew. She said that maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to come out that and that she needed to have her time with her family. I understood that completely. She was very home sick since coming home from visiting for Thanksgiving and I knew she needed her time with them, but I was a little disappointed that she would even ask me to go and then change her mind like that. Then she asked me to go out there again but this time for me to come out a few days after christmas and spend the new year out there, meet her family and see what home is like for her. I was really excited about this and was happy she changed her mind. Then the day that I was going to buy the ticket we were at work and I asked her over work IM, " so you sure you still want me to come?" I don't know why I asked, I was half joking but also half serious becuase she had already changed her mind once. And I was aksing this as I was clicking the ok button to buy the ticket out there. She responded with I don't think you should, I think I really need the time out there to myself and to think about things. Well of course I got kind of mad becuase how could she change her mind about this again? I told her fine I dont want to come see you and I'll find a way to deal with having a plane ticket I can't use. She was all of a sudden saying no no it's fine you can come I didn't know you had bought the ticket. So later on after work I went to talk with her and we still hadn't resolved the issue. So we talked things out and I decided to go ahead and go and things were fine after that. I went out there and things were so so. I felt like I shouldn't have come still but I was excited to be there and see her, and she initially seemed happy to see me, but as the next couple days went on I didn't really feel like she wanted to see me and I kind of expected it since she would be leaving soon and missed her mom and family so I let her have her time. Well on new years eve we planned on staying at a hotel in chicago and going out with some people she knew to a new years eve celebration. So in the morning we had to go take her brother to the airport and from there we were leaving to go to the hotel. She got pretty sad and cried pretty much from the time we got to the airport till when we got to the hotel. I understood it was rough for her to leave home and so I consoled her the best I knew how and we went out that night and had a great time. The whole trip home she was very clingy to me and I was really happy with how things were. I couldn't imagine being happier with her or liking her more than I did at that moment. So fast forward to friday night. she wanted to have a girls night with her friend so I went to a casino to make some money. I lost quite a bit that night but I wasn't too upset over it. I came home and started having some drinks waiting for her to call to go out downtown. She came over and things were good. She told me how she had a thong on tonight and I was more than happy to hear it becuase it meant she planned on having fun when we got home. We are on our way downtown and then I start being shady about how she was hanging out with her friend. I always had the idea that she was seeing someone else. I know that it wasn't true and that she would never do that. But I would have too much free time on my hands when we wouldn't hang out and my mind would get the better of me. So we are driving downtown and I say something about how there are too many coincidences with her sometimes and she got upset, rightfully so, and then I in turn get upset. Then she says how I shouldn't have come out to see her and that blew it for me. I got so upset that I told her to pull over and I got out. I started walking and she didn't even come after me. I figured if I stayed in the car I would say something I didn't mean so I tried to remove myself from the situation. I call her about 3 minutes later and ask you're not even going to come look for me. she says well I went around the block and you weren't there so I didn't know where you were. I said I am on the main street just dive up it and you'll see me. She comes and gets me and is like I am taking you home. On the way we pull into a parking lot and talk for probably a good hour and a half. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to date me right now and now i'm trying to appologize and get her to take me back. She takes me home and then just drives away. that night I was in so much hurt. I kept thinking what have I done, I just lost someone I really cared about. I tried calling her but she would answer and refuse to talk to me. Saying I needed to work some thing out about myself before she could date me.

 

See i was jealous all the time and thought she was sneaking around with someone. I never thought she was doing anything physicall but more so just seeing what was out there in case. Also I lost my mom on new years day 2000. And she was saying how I was holding in too much saddness about it all, which is true, and that it was affecting me and thus affecting how things were with us.

 

I know I did something wrong. I can admitt that. I know I need to change how I think about things and get some help for the grief I feel about losing my mother. But I want to get back togethe with her more than anything. I know we hadn't been dating that long but I really liked her. She wasn't just a hook up to me. We had a connection that never had with someone else. And I can't understand how she can just throw that away right now. I want to change and I have already started. How can I show her that I wont be jealous and think stupid things if she wont give me a second chance so I can show her that it wont be like that. I know it's easy to say I will change but I honestly know I am going to. I don't want to feel this pain inside of losing such a wonderful person who I really cared about. I am trying to give her space to think about things. But it is tough to not ask her if we can talk. I asked her last night if we can talk and she said " I don't know" again. I feel like things are swaying one way or the other and she wont make an effort. I haven't tried to contact her today figuring she would contact me if she wants to. We were supposed to have dinner tonight with people from work for a new hire thing and I knew she wouldn't go but I went anyway so I could see my friends and meet some new people. I feel like she thinks it's all completely over. If that was the case, when I ask if we can talk I would think she would say no, it's over I don't want to talk to you.

 

On saturday the day after, it was planned that she would come to my lake house to meet my family for a belated christmas gathering with some of my relatives. She didn't go of course. I went to her appartment early that morning to try to patch things up and we both cried. I basically begged her to take me back. All I got were the same answers, I just don't think I can date you right now, and I don't know. She would cry and we would hold each other. Then she just basically kicked me out. That was so hard. She said she needed the day to think about things and that we could talk on Sunday. Well Sunday morning came around and I called to see when she would want to talk and she was said she was getting ready to go to church and that she didn't think it was a good idea that we get together today. I basically broke down on the phone again and said all the same things again that I did at her place on Saturday. Then she just hung up the phone on me.

 

I really like this girl. I have done a lot for her and been there for her. There may even be a chance that I could get an STD from her. She told me about that after the fact that we had slept together. I could have freaked out but I didn't and I decided I liked her enough and that I saw a future for us that I wouldn't punish her and I would accept it and move on. I feel like I've been so pathetic in her eyes, breaking down in front of her crying and basically begging for her to take me back.

 

I don't know what to do. I've started to seek couseling for my grief issues with me mom and I have been finding new things to do to keep my mind from wandering from too much free time. I am making the effort to be a better person. But I feel like it won't matter to her and that she won't ever talk to me again and want to try things over.

 

I am looking for any advice and primarily from relationship experts.

 

Thanks for listening...

[melrich]

Hi,

 

My only advice as far as how to behave from now on is to leave her alone. Your behaviour to date is doing nothing but driving her away.

 

I ahve to be honest though and say I don't see much future. She has been pretty upfront with you about not wanting to continue the relationship and you guys don't really have much history that might hold you together.

 

As hard as it is, I think you should put all your energy into moving on.

[LiquidCherry]

You've pointed out things that you know are affecting your ableness to be in a relationship and are making strides to improve. Do this for yourself, for the future, and not for someone else. Don't loose heart if she doesn't notice, don't loose a valueable lesson.

 

In my experience I've found that hearing an, "I don't know," when it comes to feelings usually means no. If someone doens't know if they want to be with you they don't want to be with you.

[Try2Understand]

Well I do see what you are saying, but I dissagree on the history part. There were a lot of things we did together that I didn't mention to save time writing this.

 

I just don't understand how someone can go from come out and meet my parents, and I want to come meet yours, to I don't think I can date you and basically ignoring me.

 

It's been 10 days since this all happened and nothing has really changed. I didn't talk to her for 5 or so days after our last conversation. I was trying to give her time to think about everything. I was doing fine but still thinking something just doesn't feel right about letting this go.

 

We had some small chit chat on sunday afternoon over AIM, which was fine. Of course things about us got brought up and not in pushing way. I asked if she would like to see me today as she said she wasn't up to much of anything. Of course she said I don't think that is a good idea right now, it's too soon. And when i told her that I think we should really talk about things she said don't worry we'll have our time to talk. But how am I supposed to take that? She left the conversation after that to go do some things. I feel like she really doesn't plan on ever trying to talk about all this. I know everyone is different in how much time and space they need, but what is too long? Is it rational to give someone a month or more to themselves before even talking things over? I also asked are things completely over in your mind? and she said for now yes. For now? What about for later? This is the only reason I want to really talk to her so I can figure out what she means by all this but she wont even try to talk to me period.

 

Any Help?

[karen95]

i think you should give her space and try your best to heal yourself. by asking her questions and putting pressure on her you are probably just pushing her further away. i think that you should really try NC and stick to it. and if you cannot stick to it, i think that if you do talk to her, i think that you should not ask her any questions about the relationship. maybe she is just saying that it is just over for now, to try and spare you feelings. NC really helped me when my ex broke up with me, i found it so hard at the beginning but now i am so glad that i did it, and stuck to it.

 

and i think that its great that you are receiving help for your grief issues and that you should really concentrate on yourself for a while.