How to rebuild Trust?

[RRISALEE]

I haven't written anything in awhile. But know I need advice more than ever right now. So let me tell you the story. I have been dating this guy for six months. We are taking it slow because he has been hurt and a previous relationship. So we are exclusively dating. But we do have strong feelings for each other because he said he loves me back in October. So a couple of incidents I have lied about and the lies where so stupid and dumb. I wish if I could go back and erase it I would. But so the first time I did it he got really upset. So he text me during the night and said he was through. The next morning I text him to say hi and he text me that "It is best if you don't call me anymore'. So I started freaking out because I was so hurt. And true I did lie. So I took a minute for things to get back right but it happened again. So I knew I had messed up. I confessed and told him that I did lie about being on the phone and that I am sorry. But then his actions started changing. And I knew that was why. I told him that I understood if he didn't want to see me anymore but he never said that like he did the last time. So this happened around the Wednesday before Christmas.

 

The Friday before Christmas, he invited me to this party him and his boys. So he was at the door making sure certain people don't get in. So I saw a guy that use to go to church with me and we where talking and exchanged numbers and my guy saw it. And had a fit. I was like whoa. But his has a lot of girls that are girls. His best friend use to be my best friend in elementary and high school. So I was shocked. So he had a huge deal about it I left. So he called me later that morning but I didn't answer the phone. I know he was acting like that because of the trust of me lying. But I wasn't this time. So anyways he didn't see me on Christmas and the day after I went over there and I explain how I felt and he said "what you didn't think I want you anymore". I was like what am I suppose to think you didn't want to see me on Christmas. He went bowling! Then on New Year's the same thing happened. I asked him all New Year's eve what are you doing and he said he don't know. So I was determined not to stay home so I went out and rode around he called numerous of times. But I was so hurt and upset I turned my phone off. I brought in New Year's alone and so did he. He called me the next day and said "I wanted you to be the person I talked to when the new year came in" I was thinking yeah right.

 

 

I am just now feeling that I am being punished for what I did and I am not sayingt that I am not suppose to be taught a lesson which I am doing right now. I didn't say anything because I knew the reason we had this drama was because of me. But during the week he was acting normal but on the weekends he would act distant. So yesterday I emailed him to express my feelings.

 

Herschel

 

Finally got some down time to I can talk about it for now. I have been debating should I even talk about this at all but I am trying to reverse the communication from my standpoint. Part of me doesn't feel like I should talk you about and the other half does.

 

We both know what has been going on between us for some weeks now with the whole trust issue and everything. I understand that you want time to think about it and get through it or not. But you are treating me like well I can't really say but you get the point. But the distance is starting to get to me. Now you explained that you didn't want to see me on New Year's and Christmas because of the drama, which I have to respect, but seems like the same behavior is present. So I just would like to know what's up. Are you still trying to get over the fact of that I lied? Herschel I said I was truly sorry and yeah it will take time for you to rebuild trust if that is what you want to do. But This treating me like a second class citizen is not working for me.

 

For example, the Monday after New Years I text you about my mom asking questions and I asked you was something up. You informed or should I say conformed me of why you are acting different. So I was like ok. During the next couple of days I went to your house, you seem pretty much normal blah blah blah. Comes the weekend and the distance starts all over again. Its like you don't want to see me only when you don't have anything to do. It is like you are pacifying me but calling and acting normal for a second and then all of a sudden jut flip the script. It like you are holding a grudge and I know I am not the one to say that but it is not fair. I told I am sorry, now you may take a while to believe that and so that's fine since I am the reason we are like this. But Herschel this is being dragged out too long especially since we are together the actions don't show distance, if you get my drift.

 

So like I said I have been debating on what to say and what not to say but after last night after we got oof the phone I just couldn't take it anymore. For awhile I have been thinking I am human and a girl so go figure. I remember when Bama brought up your name and she was telling me a little about you she said. . Because I do remember you saying Herschel says he is single. Meaning he can do whatever he wants to do. Now that has always stayed in the back of my mind and now it is in the front and throbbing. Now I didn't say that you would cheat and I am not saying that you are looking because I don't know I just remember what was said. Now I am not acting insecure just going off of behaviors here.

 

 

But now I am tried of wondering and waiting for you to do whatever you need to do. I am don't rushing you but I have feelings as well. I am tried of the conversations where you can cut the tension with a knife. I am tired of the emotional pain that I am going through You have to learn how to trust me again and I know it might take a minute. Never said it didn't But I don't feel like I should be punished for it. And that's how I feel. That was three weeks ago! . So last night I was so upset and crying my eyes got tried. I am putting myself through some physical and emotional bs and it is taking a toll on my body. I think I am losing a little weight ( which I am not complaining). But this has gone on far enough in my opinion.

 

But don't take any of this the wrong way because Herschel if I didn't love you or if I didn't care I would not tell you how I feel. I understand some what of how you feel and just trying to get some understanding of this whole mess.

 

So I have said pretty much of what I needed to say just to get my feelings out there. Because even though if was my fault it is not all on me And I was beginning to realize that I was not thinking about coming to you at all and that would be a huge communication problem. So when you feel like you want to talk and resolve this hopefully this week and more better today so when are start the healing process or something. Just let me know.

 

 

 

He email me back saying"

 

I read what you wrote and Im glad that you expressed the way you feel. I am not taking anything out on you. I am just being more careful with my feeling. When you lied to me the first time you hurt me. You told me, matter of fact, you PROMISSED me that you wouldn't do it again and in less then 2 weeks, you did. That crushed me. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to act? When trust is gone, its gone and it will take more then two weeks to get back. I am not pushing you to the side or anything, but I am going out with my boys and stuff to occupy my time. Before, I spent time with you 24/7. Now, I spend my time with you and my friends. Im sorry you have been losing sleep over this, but you should have thought about that before you continued to lie to me. Am I supposed to just act like things are normal. When I am around you I try to treat you like things are ok, but in the back of my head I still know that you will lie to me. I remember telling you before you ever lied to

me how I felt about you lying to your parents. You assured me that you would lie to me. So now, every time I have thought that you were lying to me, I go back and think, "yes she was lying." Once you lie to someone, you don't get the benefit of the doubt anymore. That's just how things are. You would be the same way if the tables were turned. Im not punishing you, I'm just looking out for Herschel right now.

 

 

 

 

So now it is like I don't know what to do. I know he is doing the space thing. But are we still only dating each other? What do I do? Please help!

[RRISALEE]

please reply I need help

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I couldn't spot what was supposed to be the first lie, if it was big or not, but the thing is that now it might be understandable he thinks you lied again.

I suggest you tell him once more but in person or by phone that you didn't lie, that you take time to think how much you want to be in this relationship and what went wrong with that first lie.

This might still have a chance, but you need to give it time, and if after a while there's no trust then it's better to end the relationship.

[yeawutever]

Why not end it already, if they were stupid small lies and he's gonna be acting like a whiny kid and get all fuss cuz of it, then ur better off without him, just end it. He's unstable and he did mentioned that he's been hurt before, maybe that must also play a part of why he treated u as second class.

[LiquidCherry]

Everybody lies and anyone who says they don't is lying. I understand that lying is an unfortunate aspect of human nature but at the same time it is not acceptable behavior. My boyfriend has lied to me two or three times, about small things, stupid things, things that didn't really matter at all. He lied because he was trying to avoid conflict, the same reason a lot of people lie. They figure a harmless lie is better than an argument. That's true in theory but in practice a lie will cause more of a problem than the truth. It wasn't even what he lied about that bothers me, it's that he lied. I still trust my boyfriend, I just ask more questions for the time being. (And if I don't like the answer he likes to say, Would you rather I lied?")

 

At some point if your boyfriend wants to continue a relationship with you he's going to have to trust you. Part of that is on you, part of that is on him. You have to build it, he has to accept it. He can't dangle this over your head forever. It doesn't seem to me that you lied about anything overly important. I think the issue here is the fact that you lied, not what you were lying about. Tell him your reason for lying and that you are sorry for dealing with it in this way. Ask him what you can do to start rebuilding the trust. (start by telling the truth!)