How do you recapture yourself???

[ElektraHere]

Hello Enot,

 

About 6 years ago I dated this guy. It was not a healthy relationship whatsoever he was a complusive liar, mentally abusive, and over the 3 years we dated slowly broke me down. I believe that my spirit was shattered with him. I lost myself, I gave up my friends, family, hobbies, etc. I was once a strong, independent, able to be by myself, say it like it is woman. I still say it like it is but all the rest is gone. I want it back but I am constantly sliding backwards.

 

I can't seem to let things go I mean I let him and that relationship go about 2 years ago. However the rest hasnt come back. I go after guys who are emotionally or just not available. I stick around hoping that one day they will see something in me and then want to be with me. (Never has that happened and who would want someone as sad as me) I have thought about what it would be like if I just went away or if I never existed in the first place. Would anyone notice?

 

This past year was very trying my grandmother passed away, I lost my job, and I was dumped 2x. I currently go to school and work full time so I know I have that going for me. I do feel I am a good hearted person but I feel so invisible. I rely on others for my happiness and when they dont give me that I am hurt. I know that I have to find happiness within me but I think I am dead inside. I feel alone, sad, anxious, and that the woman I once was has gone far far away.

 

I guess what I am after is if anyone else has been in a relationship that broke them down and they were able to recapture who they once were. If you were able to find happiness within yourself and that dead feeling inside went away and was filled with love for yourself?

 

Sorry for the rambling.

[Lady Bugg]

Elektra,

 

Yes, I HAVE been in a relationship that seemed to drain the "life' out of me...and managed to feel alive again..but not until quite some time alone, and trial and error. Learning how to be a whole person again after such a horrible relationship is extremely hard. It's almost like you have to learn a new language. How to think and how to relate again. Truthfully, learning how to be in a healthy relationship is a very foreign feeling. Tht is likely why you're attracted to these other guys who could not commit. One thing I did was spend time with people who WERE healthy and who DID relate to each other

in healthy normal ways. To a person who is used to rejection, infidelity, or indifference....being in this type of relationship MANY times just seems too BORING, and not exciting enough. Once you find that "normalcy" you're seeking...you will NEVER go back to that drama again.

 

Meeting good quality poeple is HARD...but it is possible. They might not always be wrapped in the prettiest packages or have the most money, but they ARE out there. You just have to be patient, and know good things WILL happen to you.

Good luck to you

[Msnak]

This will sound so stupid, but grab a pen and pad. Then, create lists--these are to inspire you. A list of the places you want to travel; things/hobbies you want to try/learn; qualities in a dream mate you require; lessons learned from previous relationships; and lastly, consider writing a list of friends and family you have in your life that mean the most. Meditate on the blessings and good things in your life, and that will eventually overtake the pain and sadness. It will take time, but it's kind of like training for a marathon, training your brain and heart to recognize the future and what it holds.

 

May sound corny, I know, if so, I'm sorry!

[brando]

msnak,

 

i dont think your suggestions are stupid. i think it is a starting point.

 

In some sense i guess after being in a relationship, and drained emotionally phsically, and mentally, it is a great time to get reaquainted with yourself. I feel we sometimes do lose ourselves when we are involved with someone over an extended period of time, and if we arent looking out for ourselves in a relationship, we never take the time to get to know who we are becoming.

 

Elektra, i wish u all the best on your road to find out... believe me i know the hard work it requires, and some days will feel absoloutely lousy, and others will feel pretty good.

 

Hang in their, u will make it.

 

be well,

Brando

[ElektraHere]

Thanks Lady, msnak, and Brando

 

I appreciate your responses.

 

Brando I do hope I find the road to happiness. I have good friends around me and they are very supportive.

 

Msnak your ideas are good. I have made some initial plans to travel with a friend so that is one step in the right direction. I want to learn how to play the piano or guitar so that is another thing I can work on.

 

Lady I am glad I am not alone in how a relationship can drain the life out of a person. Sometimes I felt like it was just me.

[Msnak]

No problem! Good luck! I'm learning guitar myself! A by-product of trying to get over a guy. Who knew I'd end up feeling more alive?!