UPDATE...I called him on his cheating behaviour

[dustinthewind]

Hey all.

 

A few of you probably remember my last posts about my bf and how he has pics of other girls in his email, and has been acting odd about his cell phone lately.

 

Well we got into a huge fight on thursday and spoke on the phone about it today, and he was accusing me of not trusting him and I finally just blew up. I told him that I knew about the pics girls sent him, the dirty conversations on myspace with other girls asking to meet up, the weird cell phone use, and I even told him about a note I had found a while back,..him asking a friend to a movie saying that it would be romantic.

 

I cried and said that these were the reasons why I dont trust you, and how could you do this stuff to me, and what am I doing wrong that is pushing you to do this. He was all silent and wouldn;t talk. I think he was in shock that I knew everyhthing, yet he didn;t dispute any of it. He just kept saying "I dont know" He said that I haven;t done anything to make him do it, but that he has been 100% faithful to me. I laughed and asked him what he considers cheating. and He said that it is a "phsycial act of being with someone else" and I said..."ok, so if I go and talk to a boy on the internet all dirty and about sex and stuff and make plans to potentially meet up, then thats ok?" and he said "i dont know" so I kept pushing it. and he finally said "there has to be actually intent or emotional satisfaction, if it was all just in good fun, thats different"

 

I was so hurt. I dont know why he has done this. My head is saying leave him. but I love him so much. He finally said "i dont want to try to justify my behavior, I know it was wrong, Im sorry" and I wanted so bad to be like. "OK lets hang out today, since I hadn;t seen him in 5 days. But I was just silent.

 

He then told me he doesn;t think we should see each other today because of me being upset and I just replied "well how about we never see each other anymore" and hung up the phone.

 

I am so conflicted. I love this guy so much, but know in my head that this is wrong. He didn;t even seem that upset. He just seemed shocked that he got caught. I guess he probably needs time to think about all that I have revealed to him. I proabably caught him off guard. I dont want to lose him. but I know that you cant make people change. And I know that I deserve someone who wont do things like this...even if they aren;t physical. I am just so conflicted

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry! You must really be hurting right now.

 

Your boyfriend has some pretty flimsy reasoning for what he did with his definition of cheating, and I like how you turned it around on him and asked him if you had done it if he thought that was OK... and he had no answer.

 

At this point it has to be up to you if you are willing to accept and forgive his behaviour and try to work together towards rebulding trust, or telling him enough is enough and leaving.

 

In your shoes I suspect I would leave... but I can't make that call for you.

 

What I can say is that trust and respect are integral parts of a relationship and your boyfriend has destroyed your trust and not shown you respect... so you have to decide if he's worth trying to repair it, and willing to put in the effort with you to do so.

[Strictly4MyGrind]

Ask you self this first could you ever forgive and forget and then move on? Knowing all the things he has done. I mean really forgive him completely and forgot first of all. If you could and he could change and you have to find out if he really can. And if you can trust him completely two. Then theres hope. Oh and then make it work. But the thing is its upto you what to do.

[annieo]

Okay so he has not "cheated" according to how he defines it. But he has been sneaky and not honest with you. Is that what you want? He is your boyfriend not a husband and you are so young. You deserve to find someone who will treat you better. Would you have ever done all of this stuff to him? No...so why would you accept it in him. Dating is all about finding someone who is right for you. While he may be wonderful in many ways he has some pretty big negatives.

I'm glad you confronted him about everything. I know it's hard to carry it all around in your head and not say anything.

Remember it isn't just about his definition of cheating....it's about yours.

Good luck.

[yeawutever]

He definitely has no respect for u, I say call it quits, why would he want to talk dirty to other girls while he has a g/f, and when u asked him if u had done the same, he had no answer, interesting? If he has to do that behind ur back, then he's not worth being with.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Big hugs. You staying with him or forgiving him and taking him back is breaking your boundries and I am first to tell you, whenever you move around your boundries or break them, you are going to get seriously hurt.

 

From what I have seen in your resent posts, your boundries about cheating includes all of it, flirting, sending pictures, talking dirty, looking to others for emotional fullfillment...that to you is your boundries...it's not right or wrong per say...but right FOR YOU. Boundries are designed to protect ourselves from getting hurt...they serve a purpose. Apparently, your BF has a whole different outlook on cheating and it is completely different from yours...probably to suit himself in this instance, either way....you don't need him in your life. He is going to hurt you no matter what.

 

Get rid of him...he does not respect you regardless...you deserve respect in a relationship. And that fact he was not even man enough to own up to his indiscretions...he is a coward...do you want to date a man or a coward? I am so sorry you are going through this...I know it's hard but please understand...you did nothing wrong! Don't ask him what did you do to make him do this. He made a choice, a choice to be disrespectful...there is such thing as free will. Hang in there and take care ok. Many hugs.

[RayKay]

I am proud of you, and sad for you all at the same time!

 

I am proud of you for taking a stand for yourself, as scared as you were, to find out what was going on and confront him on his awful behaviour the last while.

 

And sad, because the truth is now there, and you have to deal with it.

 

Regardless of whether he physically cheated or not, he cannot believe that what he was doing was innocent, or he would of not been secretive about it. It was a betrayal, it WAS harmful as it was sneaky and dishonest. And he DID get some satisfaction out of it, or he would not be doing it.

 

You are conflicted because you were betrayed, and because of his reaction. I know you love him, but you certainly DO deserve better then this. And sweetie, this is not the first time, since you HAVE busted him before. How can he honestly believe it is not hurtful to you after that experience? Clearly he is not respectful of your boundaries, even if they are not "his boundaries" (though I bet he would not appreciate you doing the same he is).

 

I say it's time to move on. This is not the first time: "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?". Do NOT allow him to do it again honey. A partner whom loves us respects us, and certainly DOES NOT make sexual proposals to other women, ever....whether they come to fruition or not, it is an attack on the relationship you have together. Do not stay with someone like that.

[CC]

I know exactly how you feel. Its really hard to accept that you tried your best but you coudln't get the same in return. Even if he said he didn't cheat on you, he should have known that what he did would upset you.

 

 

[coollady1957]

i too know how you feel with the hiding , sneaking, deceptive behavior of a BF. It hurts horribly and is difficult to decide what to do, whether to forgive and move on or end it and let it all go. if you have time read my original post from start till the present. the link to the post is below.