why do i do this every time??

[guapa]

so, i apparently have a problem i just can't stop.

 

Snooping.

 

So, I'm sort of dating this guy. Not serious, but I'd like it to be, just he doesn't say much about where he's coming from. Naturally, I suspect him to be a player. But it could just be that he doesn't talk very much I don't know.

 

He used my computer and didn't log out of an on-line community type thing and I snooped to see if he uses it to date other girls or not. That was how we met, on there. I didn't do it on purpose initially, I was going to log into my account and his was still open. Of course, I feel terrible, but I rationalized it as I wanted to know what was going on.

 

The thing is, I know some people on this forum have done this and found their partner cheating and whenever that happens people here say "well, it's good at least cause you found out and now you can lose them".

the problem is that when you DON'T find anything (as I didn't) it doesn't mean much, cause they still could be seeing someone they don't email. Sigh.

 

The REAL problem is that I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to ask him if he's having sex with someone else. I'm afraid to ask him about exclusivity, where he sees things going, etc, because I don't want to seem too pushy, especially since we've only been dating since early november.... I don't know why I'm so afraid. I feel like I could email him and ask him, but couldn't ask him in person, and I don't want to depend on email for such things, as I already have in the past and it isn't well received.

 

I worry, cause in every other aspect of my life, I don't feel like I'm a creepy person, but when it comes to relationships, I feel like I turn on the "stalker" factor, like I just can't let loose and not worry about such things like some people can. Maybe I need therapy? It really, really sucks.

 

In my last relationship, I didn't snoop AT ALL, not til the end, when my abusive ex was acting very strange and I did uncover suspect evidence. So... I know I can control myself, it seems that I just can't control myself when I feel insecure...

[Meow18]

I think that when behavior is suspicious, you kind of have to be on the look out. It becomes a problem when you aren't suspicious, but yet you still can't stop snooping.

 

Why are you still on the site? Maybe he's on it for the same reasons? I think that you need to talk to this guy about your relationship. Ask him what stage of a relationship he thinks you are at and what stage he would like you to be-such as a serious thing or just a casual thing where you can see other people as well.

 

I think talking about the relationship will help your insecurities.

[guapa]

but how do you get the guts to bring it up? agh.

[guapa]

btw, the online community is like myspace, people have lots of friends on it, but some people use it for dating too. i mostly use it for friends.

[ShySoul]

Hey.

 

You mentioned an abusive ex who you found suspicious stuff on. Do you think that maybe that has made you more afraid and that you are worried this guy will be the same way? That you are allowing one bad person and experience to affect your opinion of someone else, even though you don't have proof? If so, its ok. After an abusive relationship, its hard to trust people and let them in. I also think thats why you are afraid to ask and speak about where you stand. Talking means you might have to commit and that leaves you more vulnerable. Its opening yourself up and risking the chance of being hurt again.

 

However, if you really like this guy and want something with him, you are going to have to talk about things sooner or later. You are going to have to take that risk. You don't have to accuse him of anything or force something. Just say you need to talk and that you've enjoyed the time you've spent together, but you are starting to wonder where this is going and how serious you are. All couples need to have this talk eventually, why not know? It's better to know then to worry yourself over it to the point where you are tempted to snoop.

[venus777]

yeah, thank you for your advice; i think i don't trust anyone. my first love wanted an open relationship, eventually broke up with me because i was too serious and smothering. we're still friends, used to be best friends, but he started to think i still wanted something with him (which i didn't). so part of it is my fear of being too smothering and too serious, i want to be laid back about stuff, but also, like you're saying, i want to know if this is going anywhere at all or if it's just not going to progress anywhere.

 

i feel like it is on some levels, i know he is opening up about himself more and more, it's just that he doesn't say anything about how he feels about stuff and i'm used to being sort of the follower, like the guy asking ME what i'm thinking and if i want to be with other people or not, it feels like i'm giving him the "upper hand" by becoming more and more vulnerable and asking him what does he want, when i feel like his actions imply a lack of seriousness.

 

thing is, he's an interesting guy and i don't think it is quite as simple as that, the more i get to know him, i realize that there is a lot going on behind that serious and quiet face. sigh. the only way to know is to ask, but it's always been so hard for me to ask someone something so direct...

[Meow18]

Does he have a lot of girl friends on his account? What types of things do they write on his message board for everyone to see? Honestly, if he was seeing another girl from that site, they most likely would have sent him a message or something.

 

It might be awkward coming right out and asking what stage he thinks you both are at. However, don't you think it would be much easier asking and getting the awkwardness over with after one talk, rather than worrying yourself over it for days and weeks?

[venus777]

yeah, you're totally right. my friend and i talked last night about that, and I've come up with something to say. he upset me the other day cause he flaked on me, but yesterday he really came through and it seems like when i express discontent with something he is totally responsive and that's always a good sign to me, if someone isn't serious then when bad stuff comes up they just walk. i just think he isn't communicative about feelings. at all. it might be actually because he's african, grew up here since he was six. so, culturally it's really different, something i have to try and understand... but yes, i DO need to ask him, it'd cause much less heartbreak. i think i've got the guts to do it now.