she left me

[shamus]

My gf of 9 months left me. the relationship had its ups and downs, but we did love each other.

She would always get extremely jealous if she thought i was checking out another girl, which i never did, i was madly in love with this woman.

I think she wanted to see other people, said so for months, but would always stay with me and never follow through.she was online talking to other guys and i told her that was not cool, but i found out she was sneaking behind my back emailing other guys

She broke up with me before thanksgiving. we were supposed to go to her sisters. She called many times that day saying she does love me, she's more committed than i think. So we get back together

the following week was my birthday. She baked a cake, got me a cool gift, and made a personal card saying she loved me and we were soulmates.

4 days later, she says she needs space. then she says she is dating others.

 

doesnt return my phone calls for weeks.

I sent her gifts for christmas, already bought. mailed them.

we talked on a few days after christmas, she was very sick.

talk of us hanging on new years, but then she says come over but she is sick. we go to the hospital, she has bronchitis. I hold her hand while they swab her throat and nose, and draw blood.

the next day we are talking she sends a lot of dirty messages, saying how she missed me.

that night we talk, and she says she is going to date others. She will be careful and use a condom, but i can have her too.

i say no way that is not right after 9 months. She kept calling me i dont answer. The next day she says i run and give her the cold shoulder, when she's the one always ignoring me.

she says i cant control her sexuality, she does what she wants. then she says she is confused and lost, and feels I won and lost her because of her insecurities.

today i text her. she says she does love me, but is confused and dating here and there.

I call with angry messages, saying she played me until someone better came along. said some nasty things.

I texted her back saying i was sorry just hurt and rejected, felt used.

called her, left voice message of me crying saying i was sorry, same thing as text.

 

Hurts so much to be played and be called soulmates, then she goes and leaves me to date others because she is confused and doesnt want commitment

now i picture her having sex with someone else.

hurts real bad.

she is 34, i am 31. love hurts at all ages.

support/advice appreciated

[RayKay]

Firstly, HUGE hugs, I can feel how pained you are in your words. Sigh, it's never easy, it always hurts, but it hurts even more when there is betrayal and such emotional manipulation and abuse.

 

 

Hurts so much to be played and be called soulmates, then she goes and leaves me to date others because she is confused and doesnt want commitment

 

I hate to say this, as I am not sure how you will react to it...but you are not soulmates. Soulmates do not treat each other this way, or hurt someone they way she did, and IS hurting you.

 

She is not confused...she knows what she wants...and that is to have her cake and eat it too. It has nothing to do with being confused - that is just a way for her to absolve the guilt and blame from herself, and try and keep the door open. She damn well CAN control whom she sleeps with, and if she wanted to be committed, she would be doing it.

 

Wow, "you can have her too"...how noble and kind of her. Gross.

 

I know a girl VERY much like your ex, she's actually the ex of an friend of mine, and I will say that she is very selfish, will never accept responsibility for hurting others, or for her own actions. She will always tell you "this is her, deal with it and shut up".....and in truth it's because she's insecure, selfish, manipulative, lost, whatever...but the truth is also that it is NOT yours to deal with.

 

You cannot rescue people. You cannot save those whom are not wanting to change for themselves.

 

Put her in your past, cease contact as they are only hurting you, and for her they are an ego feed or to get something when she needs it (ie when she is sick) but she is not there for you in return....it's all about her. And that is NOT love.

 

You deserve better, and you will find it. Heal, move on, have faith. Time is your friend, even when it feels like your enemy.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm in total agreement with RayKay. People who profess their love to each other don't treat each other this way. She is using you as a stand by and runs back to you after a bad date, which she probably denies all together.

 

She wants to be nurtured by you and pleased by others. She needs her head examined and you need to stop allowing her to go back and forth. You are weak because you want her more than she wants you. Sharing is not caring and don't take this girl to Baskin Robbins, she will want all 31 flavors! Put your foot down and the other in her backside, send her packing.

 

She has a sexual addiction and needs help. She is pulling you deeper and deeper in to a miserable place and she wont change without help. She may deny it in the long run but you probably can see the symptoms easier than she can.

 

Sexual addiction comes in many different forms. There is no single type of behavior or even amount of behavior that will indicate you are a sexual addict. The problem is much more complex than can be explained in a few words and if you have been living the life of a sex addict, you know how difficult it is to describe what you are experiencing.

 

Three basic things to consider when you define sexual addiction are:

1. Do I have a sense that I have lost control over whether or not I engage in my specific out-of-control sexual behavior?
   
2. Am I experiencing significant consequences because of my specific out-of-control sexual behavior?
   
3. Do I feel like I am constantly thinking about my specific out-of-control sexual behavior, even when I don't want to?

It is these three "hallmarks" that help to define the boundaries of sexual addiction and compulsivity. The range of behaviors can include masturbation and pornography through sexual exploitation of others. If the three questions are answered "yes," then you may want to seek further help to begin to sort out the complexities of your sexual behavior and find out for certain if sexual addiction is the best descriptor of your problem.

[Mjane]

Not much else to add here. You deserve better. When you realize that, you'll understand why you don't want her back. You just can't see it right now.

[normal man]

first off i'd like to say I understand with the anger and than apologizing thing, Ive been there myself. I believe with me that mixed emotions come from feeling not in control of the situation and not understanding what she wants.She is leading you on and pushing you away, which can be very confusing especially when you're thinking with a broken heart and not a clear head.

 

It might be hard to follow this advice but just dont be someones doormat and let them guide you of when you can have them and when you cant. She left you and you fell worthless and unwanted so that brings on confusion. Try to look deep into yourself and think of the good things you have to offer, than ask yourself if she is worthy of receiving all you have to offer after the way she is treating you. It's your decision now and I wish you the best in whatever is in your future.

 

Good Luck

[shamus]

thanks for all the words everyone.

yeah she is not my soulmate.

she said she lost me because of her convusion and not knowing how to deal. i say bs. good riddance to bad rubbish.

at least i can leave with my head held high knowing i tried my best, as she goes from guy to guy

[shamus]

yeah i am being strong. NC. 1 day but it is tough

 

she always said she never really thought i loved her and wanted out of a loveless relationship, even though i wrote her poems, sent flowers, and told her many times i loved her and would marry her.

 

yesterday my last text was i am sorry for my bad, have a good life, i did love you, be happy, etc. that was at 3pm

 

a little after midnight i get a text back

"ya ur right you did love me.."

 

havent responded. not going to, no matter how hard it is

[Warmastoast99999]

She knows exactly what she wants - im sorrry to say - she wants someone 'more suited' to her thanyou - doesnt mean anything wrong with YOU - just incompatible...WHATEVER YOU think, shes already made that choice...why hang around she willleave you anyway - you will have to go through some pain here, do it now rather than wait for the humiliation and ultimate betaryal of her leaving you for someone else - or maybe a few before the final 'killer date' that she falls for - she will coontinue as long as you let her.

[shamus]

update

Friday night I broke NC

texted her...

She replied back I'm miserable and I want to die.

tols her i was at a bar. She gets all mad saying I'm out partying and she cant go out and have fun(she's got a 5 year old). and I'm at abar having fun who cares.

told her I care. I miss her rather be with her and only her but does she expect me to just sit at home.

she said My mental abuse was unattractive, how i called her a * * * * * in the heat of the moment and anger(of course, her wanting to have me but sleep around is perfectly ok in her book). She says we were never exclusive so its not cheating.

After 9 months and her getting jealous if another girl walked by always accusing me of cheating.

she says she doesnt have a replacement for me.

 

the next day a few more text messages. finally she says go away. doesnt want to see me, i'm not a gentleman to her.

she calls me at 9 saying she went to a psychic who said i was dangerous and i should stay away. that she shouldnt be calling me, but the psychic said i had some trauma in my childhood. never did and she said the psychic would just shrug shoulders when she pressed for it.

we argued a little

she texted me said she was going out alone.

no response from her since then

[shamus]

oh and i told her she played me and broke my heart.

her reply how did i play you told you i was dating others.

yet a few times when we fought she would come over with flowers and a card in tears apologizing.

this relationship is toxic.

 

i asked her why did she keep me around when she knew what i wanted. She said, i kept you around because i thought you were the one.

 

what pisses me off is if she thought that why didnt she try to work on us instead of looking elsewhere.

i know why she got jealous-she wanted to do whatever she wanted but would not afford me the same luxury. i could have her but no one else

[dwbh]

Shamus,

I agree with the other posts...she is not your soulmate and she DID NOT love you. You can love someone with all you heart, but you have to love yourself too. She abused you and took advantage of your feelings for her. I'm sure your feelings are murky right now but once you realize that she was doing more hurt to you than good you will be able to forget about her.

[karen95]

she sounds really really selfish to me. if she thought you were the one she would not date other people. i think that you are much better off without her. i have a 3 year old son and i would never ever be cross if i could not go because i had no one to babysit him. i think that is horrible.

she just hates the thought of you out there having a good time. i think you should continue going out all the time, and have a great time and make sure that see knows it. and if she contacts you again tell her to go and contact all the other guys she wants to date because you are too busy having fun and dating other people. im sorry if this sounds really evil, but she does not seem like a nice person and it looks like she only cares about her own feelings and does not about yours. you will meet some1 much nicer than her.

[shamus]

Thank you all.

 

Yes, i agree she is selfish. I've said I'm sorry when I've said wrong and hurtful things to her in the heat of the moment, but she takes not responsibility for her own actions.

 

we were not soulmates. it hurts a lot to put your heart into someone, then hear what you want when it is not true.

 

Going NC.

wish me luck. going to need it. but each day will be stronger

[truelovewaits]

Shamus-

 

The woman has walked on you for a year now. You deserve so much better and you know it. Please stop agonizing over someone who is so disturbingly incosiderate and self centered.

 

;-)

[shamus]

Update

 

I broke no contact sunday night...again

not a good thing I know

left her a voice message saying "i love you, but this wont work. she is right. We want different things". I then went on to take a lot of blame, saying "I have sinned against you. I will have to suffer the consequences. No matter what you did, you had your reasons, and I should've respected them. My actions and name calling while justified in my mind, were wrong. I should have just let you go." I took blame for my faults...instead of finger pointing.

 

She texted me monday night Saying "you know I still have so much to say to you. a lot of unspoken words. I'm gonna write a letter to you", "i know in your mind you think of me often and try to figure out the puzzle. only by my words will set you free once you see what i see" "i see how you need to understand through my eyes how I see you. this is a lesson from your own karma. Once you know your karma it gets easier"

 

I replied"Look. You were right. this isnt going to work we want different things. just forget me. move on dont want to hear your lies."

"why dont you just write your new BF. I always forgave you and tried to make things work. you never did. so just go because you nevercared."

"what's there to say you dumped me as soon as something better came along. always accusing me. when you were looking elsewhere. you love me-nope"

"it's ok you're right. we are bad for each other. toxic relationship. not meant to be. C-Ya!"

 

Her replies

"ok fine you dont care to understand then i will write it to myself if you change your mind i will send it"

"How many letters you say you wrote. and i read them all. at least read this one. we need proper closure. You have it all wrong why I left"

 

I did not respond. what should I do? I'm thinking of just putting return to sender if she sends me the letter. If she shows up at my door(whihc she has done in the past, what do i do

[PassionatePices]

Hey Shamus

 

"I agree with the other posts...she is not your soulmate and she DID NOT love you. You can love someone with all you heart, but you have to love yourself too. She abused you and took advantage of your feelings for her. I'm sure your feelings are murky right now but once you realize that she was doing more hurt to you than good you will be able to forget about her."

dwbh

 

 

I know the feeling's are their it's your big heart getting in the way of your thinking. I wish we all could convince our heart's to feel like our brain.It just takes alot longer.

 

Dude i'm sorry you had to go through that i really am. I'm happy that you saw through her lies and deception to walk away.

 

She is an manipulative person who loves only herself!

 

I'm glad you reached out to me earlier!

 

Your in my thoughts

 

Slainte'

Passionate Pices

 

p.s. RayKay and RC great advice!!