My Trust Issues

[Deveryn]

Hello, my name is Michael and I am in need of help.

 

I am currently in a long-distance relationship, and I'm finding it hard to deal with some of the problems that are coming up based on the people (men) that she hangs out with.

 

My girlfriend is the most amazing woman I have ever known, and she is my angel in every way. I love her, with all my heart. I find myself getting jealous at times because the only people she hangs out with is guys, and she hangs around them a lot., almost every other day and for many hours at a time. This normally wouldn't bother me, but they sometimes make comments about her body, or treat her with disrespect (which doesn't seem to bother her, but it sure bugs the hell out of me).

 

For example, one time she was in the car with them and they were talking about chicken breasts (for cooking of some sort, I was on the phone at the time because we have cell phones that have unlimited minutes to eachother, so she just keeps me in her ear with a headpiece just so I can "be along" with the ride when she's out with them sometimes) she commented on having to buy some, but that she had two already (meaning her breasts) and one of the guys actually said "I wonder what those taste like" when I was right there on the phone. This bothered me for obvious reasons.. but she just kept saying it was a joke and defended him to no end.

 

Both of the guys she hangs out with are on parol (one of which she has no idea why he was in prison, she says it's just not polite to ask)

 

They (her guy friends) have also called her "their dishwasher" and said she needs to "get her lazy * * * off the couch" to do their dishes when she's over their house making them food. I found this incredibly disrespectful but she laughed and went on with hanging out with them that day.

 

She's frequently gone over to this guys house and made him and his friend food, or went out to lunch with them and spent most of the day (she gets home from work at 6, then goes out and hangs out with them until 9 or so, then when it's just us on the phone she wants to go to bed almost instantly, claiming theres nothing we can do).

 

I don't know if they're looking at her in a sexual way, but a lot of the time I hear "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

They swear, and use a lot of racist terms, which she disagrees with and dislikes but still hangs around with them.

When she's in the kitchen cooking for them I sometimes hear that they're getting playful with her and get food on her nose or face..

 

I am lost at what to think about this.

 

Please don't take this as a black-and-white thread asking whether or not I should leave her, but I'm lost when it comes to knowing what to do, or what to think for that matter, about this situation.

 

I doubt she will ever cheat on me, but why do I keep getting those thoughts that she might be in my head? What should I think, what should I do? ](*,)

 

Edit:

While typing this thread I got a call from her, and instead of just going over to deliver something it turned into watching a movie, which turned into pizza, which turned into another movie, which turned into a total of 7-8 hours of being with them, even though it was supposed to just be a quick stop by. I am so incredibly lost.

[KweenofDenyl]

After reading your post I find myself wondering why you doubt she will ever cheat on you. It sounds to me like she already has- at least emotionally. I don't want to recommend "the ultimatum" but if you are so unhappy with the situation (and I can't say as I blame you) then it might be time to let go.

 

Let me ask you this-if you lived closer would this still be a problem? Have you been jealous like this with a girlfriend before? If not, I'd say your instincts are alerting you to trouble.

[Deveryn]

Thank you for your reply. I've never been jealous with any girlfriend before, and my instincts do seem to be alerting me to something.. Atleast I can feel it in my gut that something is or will go wrong.

 

It's hard to make any decision because I really love this woman, and the time we spend together is amazing.. Other than that, when she's off with her friends I always feel like I'm just watching a piano hovering over my head.

 

I believe if we lived closer the situation wouldn't be any better because she'd still want to hang out with them, and sometimes she even says she feels like she "owes them" when they call for holidays or something (I have NO idea where she gets that from). A guy from her past who she despises because he pressured her in the past(she had no place to live and he let her stay with him but kept pressing sexual things, and eventually guilted her into a kiss) sent her a text message asking if she wanted to get together for new years and she seriously considered it.. she said she felt she owed him for some reason. She had gone to hang out with him once as friends when I was with her, on the phone at the time, saying she wanted to "settle things" even though all they did was watch a movie then she went home...

 

Sorry for typing out what, now that I look over it, seems to be a small book. I truly appreciate any help I can get in this... Is there something about my mindset I should try to change? Is it normal to feel like I described in the first message? Sometimes the harder the problem gets, the harder it seems to come up with a question to get advice =(

 

Again, thank you for your reply.

Why is life so hard sometimes? =(

[Serendipity1607307077]

Have you talked to her about this to her face?

 

Whenever my partner has a problem with something, I encourage him to talk to me directly and honestly about it and do the same if I have problems with him. If he is unhappy with something, I change it for him because I love him.

 

If she is in denial about this and won't change this, I think that that's not what a relationship is about.. and it does sound that she might be doing something more.. you aren't just a puppet of hers - you are her boyfriend. She should be respecting you.

[Deveryn]

I've never talked to her face to face about this because we haven't had the chance to yet. The last time we were able to be together in person was Christmas, and it hadn't become a big problem yet. Although, during the time she was visiting, one of her male friends called several times when she was out here to check up, and gave her a guilt trip for "leaving them" during Christmas. She doesn't take it seriously but it bothers me that she would want someone around that would do that..

After Christmas, actually starting a few days before New Years this year, is when everything seemed to just start.

 

For some reason typing this out makes me realize whats happening more than just bundled thoughts put together... ](*,)

 

Thank all of you for your replies, they've really helped me organize things in my head and get a perspective on this that I couldn't have gotten alone.

 

Now is the time for confrontation

[Deveryn]

Today I was on the phone with her while she was with her friends and I heard them make a comment that had my name in it then laugh.

She said after a while "That's not funny, he is not." I asked what was happening and she said nothing. I asked again, saying I heard my name, and she said it was "diffused" and I didn't need to know.

 

She later told me they had insulted me, making a comment about how much of a man I was.

 

This is my last straw.

Thank you all for all the help you've given me, if any of you have any comments on how to confront her or how to settle this, please let me know.

I've gone to my limit, and I need to sit her down and talk and if this continues I think I need to just leave.

[Sentinel]

If she really loves you and respects you...respect being the key word here...and she if she has any sort of integrity, she will stop once you confront her.

 

If she will not stop seeing them, she does not respect you or the relationship and in a committed relationship that is a critical ingredient for success and happiness.

 

The bigger problem sounds like her issues of self-image and self-respect. Both sound very low. She is hanging out with these parolee's because they give her reinforcement that she is attractive and fun to be around. She shouldn't need that if she is secure in herself. And she would ignore the guilt trips they keep putting her on. She would stop it plain and simple. They would have been out of her life long ago.

 

Oh, and as far as these jerks questioning your manhood - once that was done your girlfriend should have said "ok , guys that's it, I'm leaving, you never insult the person I love like that." Honest friends of hers would never do that. I am sure they love using her to cook and clean and it boosts their weak egos to have some cute girl cookin' and cleanin' for them. And I am sure they have obscene conversations about her when she is not around.

 

They probably get off on treating her like their "fun girl" and on knowing they have power because you and her let it happen. They were in prision, they obviously have no character. Sometimes a duck is a duck.

 

You are better than this. So act like a man and do what you feel is right and honorable in your heart. If she will not stop hanging around them and continues to disrespect you, then I think you know what you need to do.

 

You deserve nothing less.

[fishrrshortae]

Is she really the type of person you'd want to be with ..???

 

She obviously likes the attention they give her, for whatever reason, and even if she did stop hanging out with them, I'm not sure you could overcome the loss of respect she gained by her actions (or in some instances, her inaction).

 

While you may not be looking for this, I'd say move on and find a more self-respecting woman.