Can't stand the pain she's put me through

[StandtheRain]

Hi, this is the first time posting here (though I've frequented the forums here on many occasions). You see...I've kept a lot inside of me for years because I am not the type to verbally express my problems or emotions to others. I've always felt (or actually am quite afraid) that if I do, I would end up pushing people away by making them feel uncomfortable or burdened. But I don't think I can take it anymore - I really need to let everything out once and for all...

 

I've known my ex for 5 years now. At the beginning (the first 3-4 years), everything was fine - "great" even. I've felt something for her that I have not ever known before. I really loved her (and vice versa). I trusted her with everything and she became my closest friend. However, in the past year or so, things changed completely. We fought almost every day (breaking up and getting back together every week or month; it was ridiculous) - I shall elaborate on things that have happened.

 

First, the jealousy: her whole mood always changes (for the worse) every time I go out with people - it was to the point where I felt guilty and actually worried about going out with friends because I'm always afraid of her reaction to it. She even gets upset at me for being around my male friends (I am not bisexual, just to make a note, and she knows). Every time I ask her what's wrong or what is bothering her, she would curtly say, "Nothing," and (this is on the phone) "I'm going to go. Bye."

 

Second, her disregard of my feelings: she comments on many occasions how "hot" or "good-looking" some guys she sees are (I'll explain something about her sexuality further on). I've told her that it makes me feel a little put-off when she does that so often but she continues to do it - making "reassuring" comments such as, "Not like they're right here that I can have them.." and etc. If I try to talk about it more, it almost always turns into a fight. Before meeting me, she used to drink excessively. After being together for some time, she stopped that practice when I told her I didn't like for her to so it so often. However, every time we fought or when we're not together, she would do so and made the habit of informing me that she did - in a "look-what-I-did-and-I-don't-care" kind of tone and manner.

 

Third, she is quite hypocritical at times. That is, something I've done and she has gotten upset at me about, I couldn't even THINK about feeling that way when she does it. She gets upset at me for getting upset at her for something (if that makes sense at all); I don't even know how that happens sometimes because in the end, I end up apologizing profusely to her for nothing.

 

When I try to talk to her about these things that bother me and about the fights, she would comment saying, "You make it seem like you're all perfect," or "Right, everything's MY fault.." I don't - I know I have not been that great of a person but I apologize for them and try to change. She doesn't believe in change (she thinks that people shouldn't change for anyone, even if it's for the better; that if someone loves you then they should accept everything) and she doesn't apologize (she even says that she rarely says sorry). It's so frustrating trying to work anything out with her.

 

There are things that happened in the recent year that crushed me completely and have made me lose faith in what I believe love was... In one of our fights, she insulted my family (as a note, she is older than me by 9 years) saying how I rely on them and etc (of course in a much more harsh way). After that, she did it on a number of occasions afterwards even post me-expressing-my-views-on-her-insults. Another thing, when our fights are "really" bad, she would tell me how she slept with some guy and how it was and etc. Again, she has said this to me on many occasions.

 

Finally, one thing that I cannot get myself to completely forgive her for: on one of our fights, she threatened to "out" me to my parents. The first time she did this, I swore to myself I would have nothing to do with her again - I have never been so hurt and betrayed in my life. Not only was she the first person I've came out to, but she also knew how my parents felt about homosexuals: my parents hate them and are disgusted by them. Her threat was vulgar and consist of how I'll be disowned and etc. I ended up slowly forgiving her (she knew how hurt I was by it) - perhaps a mistake I've made. A couple of months later, she threatened me again. This time around, I cannot forgive her. I tried - reasoning with myself that it's better not to hold a grudge - but I can't - this sort of thing should not occur more than once.

 

Every time I try to ignore and to just overall push her away from my life, I manage to fail at that when she texts me or calls. I am not strong enough..and I'm afraid of upsetting her lest she threatens me again. I do not know what to do. I'm really worried because I'm not ready to come out to my parents (and I don't want to hurt them) or anyone else for that matter now. Also I appreciate if you took the time to actually read my post...I know it's long..sorry.

 

[*Her sexual orientation is pretty much: she was straight and then all of a sudden she says she's bisexual (of course she never used that word to describe herself - the closest she's said was, "Why can't I enjoy both worlds?") It's a lot more complicated than this, but I won't bore you with the details unless you ask me to]

[kere]

Hey girl,

 

I guess you are cought between a rock and a hrad place.... i am not sure I have any advise for you but i will say that you need to get out of this relationship!!!!!!

 

ppl fall in & out of love....sad but true.....I can't remember if u said ur living with her...if u r, do u have anywhere else u can stay for awhile??? I really think u need some time from this girl.

 

Then oce u both cool off for a while then u can both decide if counseling is something that can help or if u both want to end the relationship. But i think u should stay away from her for awhile....sorry I can't give u any solid advise.

 

gl

kere

[StandtheRain]

No, we're not living in the same place..it's more of a long distance relationship now.. You really think I should try working things out?

[Lykke 32]

Hi StandtheRain,

 

I think, you have been throught a lot with her and it´s better for you, if it ends. It´s more painful than joyful relationship.

 

I see couple similarities with my story and I´ve got some really good advices here on the forum, how to spot en emotional abuser. I think, she might be the case. You could read it "Friends in the bad times only" on "Friendship and friends", reply #12 and #16.

 

I think, it´s really horrible, that she is threatening you by coming out to your family. It´s only YOUR decision, when and how and to whome you are gonna tell.... I am really sorry, that you are trapped in such a situation. She is treating you really bad and for so long.....

 

Good luck

[Tigris]

I think it's in your best interest to end the relationship. It's not right that she is treating you like this.

 

You deserve someone in your life who treats you better.

 

Good luck and take care.

[kere]

Honestly, I think you should end this relationship.....ur partner is disrespectful and it seems to me that she is a little shady!!!! She is obviously going though some stuff that only she can work out....u have an obligation to urself and ur happiness.

 

She is not in a place where she can give u want u need & deserve so u need to do what u need to do. It makes no sense to be with someone who makes u unhappy!!!!!

 

gl

kere

[StandtheRain]

Lykke, thank you for referring me to your posts. You are right about what you said in it - I really wish I could've seen this sooner. I hate knowing that after helping her through so much [monetary-wise (e.g. I paid for her bills when she couldn't quite make it; paid for her to see a doctor when she was sick because she couldn't afford it; etc.) and emotionally (e.g. was there for her when her mother was very ill, when she was depressed, etc.)], it has to end like this.

 

I feel so stupid thinking about her still. I keep getting the urge to apologize to her for no apparent reason..

 

Ugh, she just messaged my phone right now. This is literally what she wrote:

Can u find a song 4 me What the hell is wrong with her?! She always acts as if nothing's happened! We fought yesterday and that's the time she told me (again) she slept with some guy - saying, "To make you hate me more, [insert guy's name] came over and etc..etc.." She is testing my temper..I really want to answer her message back, laughing at her inane request or telling her to ask someone else because I'm busy (though not in that polite of a manner). However I feel like I should just ignore her because I know this might turn into another fight.. Please tell me what I should do..?

 

(Also I wanted to thank you everyone who responded..I appreciate your kindness)

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[*EDIT: I went along with my better judgment and decided to not respond. However, just a couple of minutes ago, she called my cell and hung up after letting it ring twice. Ugh.. I keep fearing that she's going to do something to me if I upset her..]

[Lykke 32]

StandtheRain,

 

it´s good, that you´ve finally decided to share your story. I think, you knew for a long time, that there is something wrong in your relationship, as you are trying for a while to get out of it.

 

She is trying to hurt you very intentionally. How far from you is she living? Do you fight face to face or just throught the phone? Are you afraid, that she could abuse you somehow physically?

 

I know, it´s very difficult to admit, that person you love so much, is hurting you on purpose and treating you really bad. You must now understand, that you are doing the very right thing, if you want to leave this relationship. If you don´t do it, it´s gonna be worse and worse with the time...

 

She hurt you again yesterday and then she pretended like nothing really happened. When I´ve got similar "happy" messages after a fight, which I didn´t think, it was my fault, I thought, that she is kind of admiting, that she made a mistake and she kind of wanna have the record clear to start over again..... So I had the new hope for the good ... And it was good for a while until the next fight..... You have to realize, that this is gonna repeat all over again. She is never gonna change. Don´t apologize to her again, you did nothing, why you should.

[StandtheRain]

She resides quite far from me - about 5 hours away. We fight on the phone; ha funny thing is, she gets upset at me about that too - she says I'm "letting the whole world know" (my temper isn't that great - I tend to raise my voice a lot )

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like it was something physically abusive. She just threatens me in other manners [like how I mentioned before, with her saying she's going to "out" me to my parents so that "they would know what kind of b*tch they have" (in her own words - sorry I didn't mean to be vulgar)]. There was another time where she said she was going to break something of mine (something I gave her long ago that originally was mine; I've had it for many years - it's something that means a lot to me and she's aware of that). She said it in a very passive-aggressive way; something along the lines of, "Hm, I should break it and give it back to you." (you could imagine her tone of voice).

 

You said you've gotten similar "happy" messages before in your situation? If you don't mind, could you tell me of what happened in your case (and what you did)? Sorry if I'm being too inquisitive about it.. It's just that, you're the first person who seems to have this much in common with my situation (from reading the posts you referred me to) - it makes me feel a lot better.

[StandtheRain]

Well, I got another message from her today. It said: "I am so down, don't know why" Then another one followed that - stating: "Not that you care, I am just blahing" I suppressed my urge to call her to find out why. Am I being a bad person by ignoring her and purposely not caring?..

[Lykke 32]

Well, my situation was somewhat different from yours. My ex-friend weren´t as much mean and aggressive to me, she never threatened me.

 

That´s my story, if you din´t read it already. It was very confusing relationship and I decided to end it, ´cause I couldn´t stand it anymore. I´ve found the answers, what went wrong, with the help of this forum after we split. So, I was dealing with an emotional abuse, while I had no idea, that this was the case.

 

I am not in the position to give you some smart advices, ´cause this is all new for me as well. I could only see couple similarities with my case, I knew, how you felt. Althought I think, your gf is obviously abusing you. If you read the replies in my other thread, you can see, that what she is doing to you, is definitely abuse. Read it again everytime, you start to hasitate about it. I did that too. It´s hard to believe it in the start, I know.

 

About the thing, that she is threatening you with "outing" you to your family: this is horrible! The question is, if she would be really able to do it.... Try to write a simple question about it to the other category here on the forum (Abuse and violence). I am sure, people are gonna share their experiences with you and tell you, how probable it is, that she is gonna do it. `Cause I think, this is the main thing, why you are stuck in this relationship.

 

You must end this relationship. And I think, it´s easier, if she is not living next door. For me it´s easy to say, that she is treating you awfully bad, but it´s you, who has to admit it and cut the bond. You might think, that you can´t be without her, but believe me, you can and you will be enormously relieved, when all the stress disapears.

 

About "happy" sms after the fight: I´ve got them as well and it made me even more confused. It´s only bunch of the nice words, don´t believe them. She is gonna attack you again. I guess from your post, that this is her daily task.

[StandtheRain]

Lykke, I just finished reading your story (which I appreciate you sharing) and could imagine how you felt. She might not have been as aggressive as my ex (as you mentioned) but it was still terrible for her to constantly play with your heart/emotions like that (especially after she knew how you felt).

 

The thing is..with me and my (ex) gf is that we always end up fighting even when we're not together (like currently) - she's the same way with me regardless. I've always felt that, even if we can't be together like that, we could at least be friends - but of course, nothing's different (e.g. she gets jealous, upset at me, etc.). With you, I could tell that your bond and feelings for your friend was strong - regardless of what she does, there's still this part of you that reminisces on those better/good times; hoping if you try with her, everything might go back to how it used to be. I am not sure how correct I am about those thoughts, but my feelings are quite similar to that.

 

However since the second time she threatened to "out" me to my family, my feelings for her have been very wary; I believe a part of it died then. But unfortunately, my weakness for her pain/sadness [e.g. she would some times apologize (in a way that makes me want to go back with her) or call - sounding all depressed or crying (which makes me feel really bad for hurting her), etc.] made me constantly go back on my promise of never speaking to her again; to push her out of my life. There were times (after a fight settles down) when I told her that I don't hate her/hold a grudge but I do not wish to speak with her again. Much to my fear, she ended up getting upset at my request by answering with a "FINE!" (along with more shouting) and the cycle starts over again.

 

I will follow your suggestion and post a separate question concerning the "outing" to my parents problem, should the situation make a dire turn. I was wondering though, should I keep ignoring her calls and any contact with her? Or should I try to make any amends (once more), explain my action and then separate her from my life?

 

(Also, thank you for helping me out on this whole situation - I think I would've been on the phone calling her now if it wasn't for your constant support.)

[Lykke 32]

StandtheRain,

 

Hoping for a good times? Ohh yes, I was stuck in this hope all the time....But it was a false hope. As I wrote before, I´ve realized in the end, that I´ve loved this perfect picture of her, I´ve made in my head. She was never real. She never was and never WILL be the way, I would love her to be.... She could´ve treated me so bad, but I´d still love her so much. My mentor here wrote me about the "betrayal bond" (#12 in my other thread) and it so explains it. She could have soooo lift me up with her love and care, but I´d never needed that lift, if she wouln´t have put me down and deeper and deeper in the first place..... So, if you think about it, it should be plus - minus, end of story.... But sadly enought feelings are involved, it´s an awfull game....

 

Ohhh yes, I miss her. I still do.... But I definitely don´t miss the stress, that was present all the time. Like for instance, we were living nearby and we went to the same fitnesscenter. She was trainer there and I am kind of fitness freak, working out almost every day, so the possibilities, that we meet there were pretty high. But soon going there became a nightmare to me. I was always shaking on my way there, thinking of, in what kind of mood, she is gonna be today.... Sometimes she could be so into me, waving to me, hugging me, telling everybody I am like her sister.... But other times she would ignore me, didn´t talk to me at all, didn´t even say hi.... I was going nuts.... And then I would get sms like "Sleep well my love, hope to see you soon!".... What????.... I was confused all the time... She was so good with the nice words, and yeah, I so loved them.... But where is the reality?

 

I don´t think, that being a friend with your ex is a good idea. You´ve tried that, it didn´t work.... I would say, that your ex doesn´t care, how you would call the relationship. As long as there is some contact between you, she is gonna treat you awfully (and afterwards nicely) again and again....And you are stuck... Maybe you don´t like the idea, that you would hurt her, but , as my mentor recommended me as well, it´s time to think more about yourself. Life puts us to the situations, when we have to be selfish and do things, we don´t like to do, but they have to be done for our own sake (for once!!)

People on this forum are amazingly supportive. If you decide to go to NC (no contact) with your ex (and I really think, you should do that), don´t hasitate to write here for help. You might feel like contact her again, but you will get all the support here, that you are gonna need. Share your hasitations, your backs and forths... You don´t have to be in this alone....

 

I don´t know though, if you should explain yourself to her once more. For me it seems like you did it several times with no effect, so why do that again.... Write her, you would appreciate, if she doesn´t contact you anymore, ´cause you are not gonna answer anyway... Or just let it be and ignore her. In the end it doesn´t matter, how you end it. With her it´s never gonna be nice and smooth and both-sides-agreement end of it. I think, you´ve been throught enought of the fights allready....

 

Good luck!

[StandtheRain]

Thank you Lykke.. It's very true about what you said; all the points you made. That's how my feelings and mentality have been like with her - I kept holding on to that perfect image of my ex and I kept thinking about all the "good times" we've had. There were times after fights when I would promise myself to never speak with her again. Every time I faltered in that oath, I would remind myself of what she did to hurt me so I could push out that feeling of love I used to hold for her. I don't know why it's still so hard to not think about her though even with all that in mind - it's frustrating.

 

I worry about her though. It seems like every time things are "bad" between us, she would, in a way, let herself go. She gets all depressed and would let me know every time (regardless of whether I answer her or not). Today, I received three messages from her saying (though the second one is a bit cryptic ):

 

"Just want to say that I am drunk and pissed of at the world" ; "Yes I know not you freakin 4 i am blah" ; "Just say something even if it's not nice"

 

(I'm still upset at her and that part about saying "something even if it's not nice" was tempting, but I refrained myself).

 

There were times in the past where she said that if I cared about her, I would answer her; also, that she needed me in her life even if we're just friends. All those were during a time when I tried to ignore her - of course, you could imagine how successfully that turned out..

 

Ah I tried telling her (in almost the same manner you suggested) to not contact me anymore before - well, she ended up mocking me, making multiple statements about her sleeping with some guy, and laughing at me. That whole ordeal seriously angered me to no end. I feel stupid still caring about how SHE feels and etc. - you're right..we do need to be selfish at times - I just need to learn how.

 

I appreciate all your help and advice on my situation; you have been nothing but supportive. It really is your ex-friend's loss to not have someone like you now..

[Lykke 32]

StandtheRain,

 

read this

 

 

It´s a great article about, what is going on in your life now. There are really good advices about the detachment from an abuser. The "image of a dead slot machine" - really helpful!

 

About your worries about your ex. I think, she is letting you know about her deppressions, ´cause she knows exactly, that this is the way, how to make you feel sorry for her and that you are gonna support her again, that she is gonna have you back for a while again. Is she threatening you with some kind of self-injury? We are back with the question, how far she would go, how probable it is, that she is gonna do it...

 

Her messages, she is sending to you, only show, that she is trying to make you feel guilty. With the first one she was trying to get in contact with you, the second and third she tried repeatedly and gradually to make you feel bad and guilty for not aswering.... She is trying everything...

 

When I was all confused about my friendship and, on one hand, I wanted to ended it , but on the other, I didn´t want to lose her, I sat down and tried to imagine, what was the future of it... I projected in my head the story from the start and realized, how strange impact she has had on me, how I was doing things, I didn´t want to, how I changed myself in believe, that it´s gonna be as great as it was in the beginning... And still she treated me bad... So I saw myself hurting all the time in the future... I started to think seriously about leaving this relationhip actually about half a year before I was actually able to do it. But I believe, it would be sooner, if I knew all, that I know now.... Well, not sure.... It´s still difficult. Every other day I have temptation to contact her, but then again: where is the future? Besides, I´ve experienced several times, how "nicely" she spoke with her friends, when she was mad at them (and I thought, that they were kind of right to say, what they said in those particular situations), moreover I am sure, she´s allready replaced me with someone else - that one really hurts, ufff (I was also quick replacement for somebody...). All in all it still hurts, but luckily enought for me less and less...

 

I wish you to be strong and make the right decissions!

 

And learn to be selfish quickly!

[StandtheRain]

Thanks for the link, Lykke. I was surprised how much my ex falls into some of those categories. For example, the section about temper (she drives fast when she's upset sometimes - but she tells me it's not my fault and that she's mad at something else or that she's just stressed out), the "mean-sweet cycle" (we get into fights very often and we end up breaking up and getting back together), the "always being my fault" part (she doesn't apologize much - if at all - but on rare occasions she does; not sure if that counts), the "paranoid control" [when I'm out, for example at the movies, and she calls, I get really nervous because I know I'll be questioned why I didn't answer my cell. After telling her where I was, she would then proceed in asking me who I went with. Also, there was a time when one of my male friend called and left a message on my voice mail. I was on the phone with her at the same time so I told her to hold on for a second because I had a message. After checking it, she asked me who it was and I told her. She then told me to go call him up and see what he wanted; then to call back and let her know], the thing about "bad stories" [in the 5 years I've known her, she has told me stories about a lot of terrible things that happened in her life: her birth mom died a couple of days after she was born (she was raised by her grandma, whom she calls "mom" - that's who I mean when I refer to her "mother"), she ended up marrying an abusive (physically and emotionally) man (many stories about him) and had two kids by him, her uncle (whom she was very close to) was shot and killed, etc. etc. Along with that, she does have the "don't take nothing from nobody" attitude but I never saw that as a really "bad" thing though - she would some times get into arguments with strangers/operators for companies/etc. and would say whatever is on her mind - I always joke that she should deal with some people like that for me too], and the "walking on eggshells" part [I always worry that someone might say something to me that might not sound right to her and I'll have to explain myself. Also, she gets mad if I don't tell her certain small things (e.g. that I went out with my friend, if that guy calls, etc.); she'll often ask me if I went out anywhere or if I spoke to certain people].

 

After reading the article, I really wish she could have seen it too. It's like...I want her to be able to see how she's being and had been. I know it's stupid of me to want that because it seems like trying to make someone realize their own abusive actions is a lost cause. Are people like that really not able to change?.. I've tried that method of being stoic and boring a while back (the second time she threatened to "out" me) because I was so hurt and upset at what she said (again). However, doing so actually made her angry - she got upset at me for not talking much and acting "different"; we ended up fighting again.

 

She didn't threaten me with any self-injury. Knowing her, she only gets [physically] aggressive with herself if she's really angry (e.g. hitting walls, leaving without telling anyone where she's going, etc.) When she's depressed, she usually drinks and ignore her own well-being (e.g. if she's sick, she would ignore that fact and continue on with her day).

 

You were a really good person to your ex-friend (despite how she treated you) - I doubt she would able to find anyone that could replace someone like you. If she treated you poorly while you two were friends, she would be the same way with whoever she ends up meeting/is with in the future.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex in 10 days. She called last night and did the same thing she did a couple of days ago: she let it ring for about two seconds and hung up. I resisted the urge to call her back - though I think I'm starting to falter a bit.

 

Haha I'll take your advice and try to work on my selfishness.

[StandtheRain]

Well she called me lastnight - I was busy at that moment so I couldn't get to the phone in time (which actually rung continuously until the voice mail kicked in). When I went to check whose call I missed and found out it was her, I ignored it. I went to take a shower shortly after and while I was in the bathroom, I heard my cell ring again. When I was done, I went to check on my phone and there was a message from her saying:

 

I need to talk to you

 

That whole dire-sounding tone and made me curious about what she needed to say. I'm tempted to find out.. But perhaps making contact with her again would be a bad choice?

[Lykke 32]

Well, StandtheRain, great, you didn´t answer her message.... And if you did, still good, that you at least considered and tried not to.... I know, how hard it is to struggle with the temptation to do so, especially, when she left a message, that sounded a bit desperate...

 

Now you have read the artickle about the "loser" and you can see yourself, that she is the case. I can see, that you are questioning now the possibility, whether she could change after reading it.... Well, I would say, the chances are pretty low, if any at all... And for your better, you shouldn´t concentrate on that. "Losers" never change...

 

I must laught now, ´cause I sound so wise, giving you those smart advices, and you know what? Yesterday I had one of those "let´s be friends again" days and I thought exactly the same thing, like you did: Now, that I know, who she is, I could handle it, we could make it work, she would change and bla bla bla..... Well, you and me, we could write science-fiction one day As you´ve read my story, you can see, that she treated me badly and she would do it to anybody again... And I´ve read your story and I so clearly see, that you should do nothing else, but get out of any relationship with your ex .... I guess, we have a problem to see the things, as they really are, when it comes to our own cases..... We need to learn to see it more from the distance... Deal?

 

Stop beeing afraid, whether she hurt herself or not.... It´s not your fault, that she could act destructively, when something doesn´t work the way, she wishes....

 

Yes, contacting her would be a bad choice, once you´ve decided to detach from her completely... It´s a good decision and you should stick with it. I would recommend not to talk with her on the phone anymore, as you more likely end up in the fight and she would manipulate you and try to make you feel quilty again.... Try the "boring" taktics again and if you feel like to explain something, do it throught the mail or MSN...

 

Good luck and write again, whenever you need a bit of support...

[lauried]

You are not being a bad person by ignoring her. She most definitely has a cruel streak and is emotionally abusing you. You might consider taking care of yourself and your own needs first. Novel idea, eh?

 

You sound like a decent, caring person. You deserve better. No contact may be difficult in the beginning but definitely the best thing for you in the long run.

 

As far as her threatening to "out" you to your parents; you can't stop the heartless woman from doing so but you can decide how you will handle if such a heartbreaking situation arises. Have you considered taking control of the situation by coming out to your parents, first? It would be a shock, of course. Maybe your parents will "disown" you, but parents and others do have a way of coming around. Maybe they will surprise you and rise to the occasion. Or maybe they won't come around but you can deal with that, too. Others have and there is support and love out there for you.

 

Whatever you do, don't let your ex hold you hostage. Take control and believe in yourself.

 

TO THINE OWNSELF BE TRUE

[StandtheRain]

Lykke, I held myself back and didn't answer the message (though curiosity does make me wonder what she would've said to me). Haha you really are too understanding for me to get used to quickly - giving me credit for even considering not responding to her message.

 

Perhaps those "losers" never do change..but it makes me wonder if they really have felt something/anything for people they've been with. Do they realize what they do and not care or is it something only someone from the outside can see? Bah, I should stop thinking about these things - it's only building up false hope for me.

 

Heh, well we could dedicate our science fiction to them afterwards. I do have trouble dealing my own problems while, for others, I could just pour out advice and "analytical comments" and not realize I'm in the same situation (I thought about the same thing you did too - thinking I could handle it). Be selfish and see things from a distance - got it; I say we're doing pretty well don't you think?

 

I'm afraid of trying the "boring tactic" again lest she gets upset at me and the whole cycle starts over. But I could give it one more attempt and see how things go - possibly without any phone conversations like you said.

 

Thanks again for all your help!

[StandtheRain]

@Lauried - I do feel bad some times though about being "callous" to her and etc. There were times in the past where (a couple of days after a fight) she would ask me if I missed her or if I still care about her and etc. I have had such a hard time answering those questions and when I hestitated, her whole mood/tone would change to being really depressed and down - responding with an, "It's ok..", "I understand..", and/or "You don't have to say it..I'm going to go now.." I always panic and end up saying very quickly, "No, I do." (in which she would respond she did too - then the whole thing started back at one) - then I kick myself for giving in every time. What I really wanted to say to her all those times (of frustration and anger) was, "After what you've done/said? I don't miss any of that and why would I care about someone who hurt me the way you did? To the very extent, I care about you as a friend - and not even a close one."

 

Well, about taking care of my own needs first, I'm working on being selfish

 

I'm always worried I'm making it sound like I'm this perfect person (like what my ex has said to me on multiple occasions). She's done all these things to me and every time I point them out, I feel so guilty - I don't know why I feel that way. I mean, I've never done half of the things she's done and yet, I feel like I should take the blame for something

 

I think..if I do not greatly provoke her in any way, she would not bring up the threat again. I have not spoken or contacted her in close to 3 weeks (doing better than I have expected), which is the longest I've managed to do. I don't think I'm ready to come out to my parents - I've thought about it many times but all I see myself doing is hurting them in the end (it's more than just a taboo in my culture/family). I don't want the rest of my family (word gets around really quickly regardless of the intention) to look down on my parents or to ostracize them (and/or me). Maybe in the future I might..not any time soon though I don't think

 

Thank you though - I appreciate your advice and support.

[StandtheRain]

Ok, she texted me again (twice) earlier - however, for some reason, I felt really compelled in answering her back this time (more than usual I suppose?).

 

"I watched 'Saving Face' and it reminded me of you"; "I know you hate me but talk 2 me"

 

I don't know..if I do respond, I will be sure that it's strictly via texts/messages/etc. I think if I continue keeping this wall and aloof-communication between us, it'll help me handle and grasp the situation easier (hopefully..).

[Lykke 32]

Hi again!

 

Totally understanding, you might have days, when the temptation to answer her is stronger than another days.... Especially when you got messages like that (Uff, your ex is soooo good with words - I definitaly tend to anwer her myself ) But you are doing well and didn´t contact her for 3 weeks! Well done! And see, you must admit yourself, that it´s going better, then you would ever imagine.... You feel more free without all the stress, don´t you!? Stick with that!

 

Don´t forget to remember all the situations, when you were hurt, lost, confused, crying.... It´s important for you to repeat some of those most painful moments, ´cause that helps to deal with the temptation to reach her again.... It would be another waste of your feelings, tears, love.... Safe all that for someone, who is worth all that!

 

I was given an advice, that at those moments, when I sudenly tend to do something nice for her again, I should do it for myself.... Like... Wanna buy her a present? Buy it to yourself!...Wanna write her something nice? ... (Well, wonder how my cell would actually deal with that , or else should I end up writting postcards to myself??)... But you got the point, right?

 

You are not callous to her. It was working that way, that she made you think about her needs at the first place. And as you were doing it for so long, you kind of forgot, how it felt to think about your needs.... That´s why you have those persistance feelings of guilt, when you are finally again thinking a bit more about yourself in a normal, healthy way after the years.... (Make sense, ha? I was told that as well....)

 

About her point of view....Those people have a different kind of logic and they would never see it the way, you or others see it... I guess, they truly believe, that others are betrayding them.... But in the end it is a good thing, ´cause abuser, who is convinced, that the situation is fault of somebody else, drops that somebody unbelievably quickly and never turn back.... Which is, what you need right?....

 

She is never gonna come and thank you for all, you did for her, for all the love and care, she is never gonna say sorry for all those lousy days, you´ve had, because you couldn´t deal with the way, she has treated you...She is never gonna admit, it was her fault.... Let´s face it and add this scenario into that science fiction aswell..... It´s sad though, I would wish for that too....

 

Take care and hold out! It´s gonna be better and better!

[StandtheRain]

(Uff, your ex is soooo good with words - I definitaly tend to anwer her myself )

 

Haha, you're telling me.. This is the longest I've stayed from speaking/contacting her. However something happened last night that might end this streak of mine (I'll explain in the next post).

 

I have been thinking about all the things she've done to me and it does help. I think that (and the support of all those here) is what pushed me this far. Heh, I doubt I'll end up with anyone soon (or even at all now) - I think I've given up on that factor.

 

That's an interesting idea - to do something for myself as opposed to doing something for her. But like you said, don't know how it's going to work on the cell The "shopping therapy" doesn't sound like a bad idea though haha.

 

You're right - I guess that's why I feel so guilty. I'm really not used to ignoring her feelings especially the way I am now..

 

But in the end it is a good thing, ´cause abuser, who is convinced, that the situation is fault of somebody else, drops that somebody unbelievably quickly and never turn back.... Which is, what you need right?....

 

Need - yes, but not necessarily want.. I know it sounds stupid but it would hurt knowing she could just drop me that quickly but I know it's better that way. Ah, maybe our science fiction could change the way they see things eh?

 

Thank you again for all your help!

[StandtheRain]

Last night I was awoken by my cell ringing (around 12:45) - however I woke up while it was on its last ring. Half asleep and half conscious, I fumbled with my cell to see who it was from and noticed it was my ex. Ignoring it, I went back to sleep. Then, when I was about to fall asleep, I received a text message; it was from her:

 

"I am going in at 6am for surgery and I am so nervous"

 

I had no idea what was going on - I tried to put her message in the back of my mind and go to sleep. Then, two minutes later:

 

"And I just wanted 2 hear from you"

 

I felt a little worried and wasn't able to sleep for a while after reading her message. Then one more message came from her:

 

"And I am so stupid cuz you're the last person 2 answer me"

 

I didn't know what to do; I wanted to call her back. But instead, I ignored her. I ignored her messages and tried going back to sleep. I received another call from her at 6am but I missed it.

 

Did I do the right thing by ignoring her? Should I have called her back? I feel like I'm being so heartless and cold by doing this to her. Maybe I should message her today