A recap and some helpful advice (I hope it's helpful!)

[Pikey1972]

Hello all, and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope you're all keeping well and that 2006 brings you lots of happiness.

 

Well, another day, and yet another update. I thought I'd post this in a separate thread as I've also got some advice which I hope will be of some use (if it isn't, then please feel free to shoot me! ) The advice is at the bottom of this message.

 

A quick recap:

Before Christmas, I vowed to go LC / NC with my ex after 1 January to give myself some space and to move on with my life. We had been meeting up as "friends", which I have found very difficult and hard to deal with as I still have feelings for him. Deep down, I would love to get back with my ex and give it another go.

 

I went to visit my dad over Christmas and have now returned home feeling a lot more confident (so I'm having an 'up' week so far). I had not contacted my ex for almost 2 weeks - no Christmas cards and no phone calls over Christmas. I focussed purely on myself and my family.

 

Anyways, since my return home (and possibly because of the LC?), my ex has been ringing persistently, leaving countless messages (he rang on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) asking me to get in touch and "hoping to hear from you soon". I felt strong enough on Friday so returned his call - he invited me on a walk near where I live and I agreed...

 

Anyways, he turned up at my house yesterday and we (the dogs, the ex and I) went on a nice walk. He'd also bought me a box of chocolates and a tree (which he planted for me). I played things cool and told him (as soon as he turned up on my doorstep) that I was going out for the evening, so he left after planting the tree. He said he'd ring soon to go out to the movies or on another walk if I wanted to. I FELT IN COMPLETE CONTROL.

 

This situation has been a real eye opener: the stronger and more independent / less clingy I become, and the less I contact him, the more interested my ex is becoming!

 

Most of my friends have suggested I should continue LC for a month (while keeping myself busy and active), after that month tell my ex how I feel about him, and then go completely NC if the answer is negative.

 

I hope I don't offend anyone on this forum who has given me other advice, but I have now decided to adopt this approach: so LC for a month, meeting up as and when I feel strong enough to see him (and ignoring his messages if I don't feel like seeing him), then tell him how I feel. If the answer is negative, I'll go NC. Full stop. In the meantime, I'll keep myself busy and active meeting friends and taking up a new hobby so my world doesn't "fall apart" if he does say NO.

 

NOW HERE'S THE ADVICE BIT:

I don't feel low or depressed today, as I had a very good time with my friends last night and feel in control of my thoughts and feelings. Unlike a few weeks ago, I don't have any urge to contact my ex and am feeling very strong and confident. I am happy for him to make the next move, and equally happy if I never hear from him again.

 

I think the reason I'm feeling like this is because I've got lots of social activities lined up for the next two months to keep me busy. I've accepted every invitation that's come my way, I've agreed to go out with friends / meet up with friends who live elsewhere in the country, and I've taken up a new hobby. I FEEL LIKE I'VE RE-DISCOVERED MYSELF AGAIN, AND AM HAPPY TO DO THINGS THAT INTEREST ME, TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME - NOT ANYONE ELSE! - HAPPY.

 

So my advice is: keep yourselves busy and active - it'll be difficult at first (it was for me as my confidence was very low). However, gradually it'll get easier as your confidence returns. And confidence breeds more confidence -eventually you'll feel a WHOLE LOT BETTER! And better still, it'll rub off on other people and you're bound to make new friends / find a new partner if the ex decides once and for all that (s)he doesn't want to give it another go.

 

Take care and look after yourselves!

[Pikey1972]

Oops, I've just spotted the following apparent contradiction:

 

"Although I'd like to get back with my ex, I'm also happy if I never hear from him again"

 

What I meant to say is that I'm currently very happy doing my own thing - seeing friends, going to the theatre, keeping busy with new hobbies etc.

 

My happiness doesn't depend on whether my ex wants me back or not. If he DOES, then that's great and we'll try to work things out. If not, then that's OK too: admittedly I'd be disappointed, but my life wouldn't fall apart as I'll continue doing what I've been doing so far - keeping busy!

[Pikey1972]

So what I'm trying to say (rather clumsily and lengthily) is: learn to love and respect yourself, don't let your happiness depend on another person.

 

Only YOU can make YOU happy!

 

Or, as Eleanor Roosevelt put it:

 

1) Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.

 

2) No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

 

3) It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

[charliek]

Pikey,

Everything that you have discovered is so great! I am at the place where you are w/ the ex. . .meaning we tried the friends thing but I couldn't handle it b/c there is another girl that is inolved w/ him and has been constatnly in his life and wanting to be w/ him even while we were dating. I finally told him I couldn't not be apart of his life knowing she meant enough to keep around even if it hurt me. . . meaning if she means more to him then me and the 5 years I gave to him, if she means more to him as a agirl who is weak, has no self respect, dignity or pride, then by all means go be w/ her b/c that's not who I am nor i will ever be.

I feel so good about myself, am working every day to be stronger, and Know for a fact that I don't NEED him. . .yes i'd like to be w/ him. But I choose for myself to not be w/ him under any circumstances. . .That my self worth is higher then to allow him to have me and everything I give him AND to have this other girl around. . .

I am very proud of you for keeping yourself busy, seeing friends, and doing everythign but focusin on him it takes a strong woman to do this and that' what you are. . .I would also suggest you take this month to take a step back and realize the good and the BAD about this guy and your relationship. Once you realize the REAL relationship the good and the bad you may not want to be w/ him nor tell him how you feel. Right now your feelings are still fresh and you still see him as a good guy!! WHich he probably is, but please for yourself take a look at the whole picture!! and make sure that he is what you really want to be with.

 

Stay strong. . .

[healinginnyc81]

thank you pikey for sharing your experience and learning with us. I hope I can reach that point where I'm happy to live my own life and not need a gf to make me happy.

[possibiliti]

Happy New Year 2006 ! 2005 has been a year mostly filled with pain and sorrow, can't wait for it to finish.

 

I have been on the LC with the ex. I have spent last month grieving and doing my best to convince myself to be strong and to concentrate on my own happiness. It is really not easy. Some days I feel ok, but I know I am not healed yet. One thing is to engage in more activities, develop a new hobby, make new friends and another thing to go out/date other people. For me it feels wrong to do that when I know I am not healed, or maybe I am just being close minded? Should we be happy again with ourselves, then we can move on?

[Pikey1972]

Hi possibility - a Happy New Year to you too!

 

Yes, I'd say try to be happy on your own for the time being and see as many friends / get involved in as many new hobbies / activities as possible. This will give you the confidence and strength to move on and meet someone new (or try again with your ex if you're both keen to do this).

 

The key is this: once you're happy with who you are (i.e. the good and the bad - nobody is perfect, after all!), everything else will fall into place.

 

I know it's not a short or easy route - I still have "relapse days" (in fact, when my first ever relationship ended I spent some time in hospital because I couldn't cope with things). I'd say take each day at a time and accept things if you're having a bad day.

 

Once you feel confident and strong enough to start dating again, then go for it - your positive energy will rub off on other people!

 

All the best

[Pikey1972]

Oops, sorry, I got your name wrong - I meant to say 'possibiliti'!

[possibiliti]

Thank you Pikey. I am glad to read about your positive posting the first day of the new year. It brings hope.

 

I think you are very right about the positive energy. I can feel I am giving out the negative energy even with my best effort to hide it. It shows, and people feel it. Maybe it is the same negative energy to push the ex away... True happiness comes from within, can't fake it.

 

Just now while I am writing, I have a positive thought. The fact that I am writing about being positive, being happy again other than whining about the spilled milk might be a good sign - for recovering and re-discovering myself.

 

Thank you for writing and sharing to inspire everyone here.

[Pikey1972]

Yes, keep thinking positively, focus on yourself and your needs, and everything else will fall into place!

 

All the best possibiliti - keep us posted

[brando]

well pikey i think u have learned the secret many of us are looking for. Congratulations, and i am glad u are feeling much much better.

 

 

be well

brando