Worried about appearing gay to others..

[KIDD]

Hey everyone.. A couple of days ago I got my first job working at a store.. doing stock or whatever. I made friends.. well rather associates with the people that work with me really quickly.So today, I was helping putting these boxes on the shelves & one of my coworker's (a female) asked me if I was gay.She took me by surprise when she asked it but I quickly replied with a no.She replied with a "THANK YOU JESUS!!".It was so shocking to me I literally had butterflies in my stomach. She then asked if I had a girlfriend & I replied with a yes very quickly. It bothered me because I wonder what made her ask me if I was gay & its got me paranoid.I am not a effemenite guy nor do I want to be, I am trying to be in the closet but I don't want rumors spreading around my job about me.This is not the first time this has happened to me. Back in high school, some people asked me if I was.I hope I'm not obvious with the way I look or something.I don't snap my fingers or wear tight clothing. I dress & talk just like the next masculine guy.

 

Also at my job, I work with two guys that are my age range.All they talk about is screwing different girls & how much they drink or smoke, which is really stupid personally to me really sorta uncomfortable around them because they're the big macho muscular type dudes.I'm not the type of person to party or drink, or talk about doing different women, which I'l probably never do lol.Sometimes I feel weird & left out, just listening to them talk so I make up stories & talk like I do those things too. I guess to break the silence & the tension between me & them.So we're actually pretty cool with one another now.Yesterday, a very obvious gay guy came in & them being ignorant,they started yelling at him & calling him a f------. One of them started saying I hate gay people, I'd beat the mess out of them! I was saying the same thing to break the silence yet again. But in my mind, I was bothered by how mean & cruel some people can really be.Also with that lady asking me that, I hope nothing gets back to those guys, because I really don't want tension or drama! I also don't want to get a beat down because I really can't fight.

 

Now, I 'm really worried about my level of masculinity, do I need to be more macho or what??I don't want people knowing about me, not now.. it's just not a good time.Being gay & living in a mostly straight society is so hard. I can't be who I want to be without problems.. I'm so tired of people's ignorance, it's draining & frustrating to me.Keeping my sexuality a secret, seems to get harder as you get older.. as I've noticed..

[BellaDonna]

Thakid001,

 

I have been following your posts and it seems your sexuality is causing you a lot of inner conflict lately, as well as social unease. I don't think this conflict will ever cease until you begin to accept yourself for the person you really are.

 

You can't live a fallacy. You will exhaust and drain yourself if you do- and life will be an uphill battle. You also should not have to accept other's bashing comments about gay people. This is going to crush your self-esteem.

 

Now, I 'm really worried about my level of masculinity, do I need to be more macho or what??I don't want people knowing about me, not now.. it's just not a good time.Being gay & living in a mostly straight society is so hard. I can't be who I want to be without problems.. I'm so tired of people's ignorance, it's draining & frustrating to me.Keeping my sexuality a secret, seems to get harder as you get older.. as I've noticed..

 

I don't think you need to be more or less of anything- you just need to be you- and you need new friends- ones that will accept you for who you are.

 

one of my coworker's (a female) asked me if I was gay.She took me by surprise when she asked it but I quickly replied with a no.She replied with a "THANK YOU JESUS!!".It was so shocking to me I literally had butterflies in my stomach.

 

You also need to be empowered -and to know your rights. it is UNPROFESSIONAL for people to ask about your personal life and sexuality on the job- and in some areas it's even considered sexual harassment and punishable by the law. She has no right to be asking you any of this whether you're gay or straight- and especially while at your place of work. She's classless and rude...please don't consider her a "friend". Next time you should answer with "I'm sorry but I do not discuss my personal life at work".

 

Honestly, I agree that hiding your sexuality will become more and more of a chore with age. I'm going to be truthful with you- I can immediately tell if someone (male or female) is gay, usually upon first glance- or after talking to them for a bit. I don't go looking for them- I just seem to have a sense for it....like a radar. There is a man I work with- he's in his 50's and he's a school administrator. From the day I saw him walk in my building- I instantly knew he was gay. He's never come out at work- understandably because he'd likely receive unfair treatment and ridicule since he works in schools with kids. It's so sad because he's one of the best school administrators I know. What he does in his bedroom has absolutely no affect on his job. People are silly for thinking it would. But he knows how dumb people can be so he's quiet.

 

He's never discussed his sexuality with me- however at my job (I work at a college) we had a "safe zone" campaign where people- gay, straight, bi, whatever could post a "safe zone rainbow sticker" in their space/office, so gays, bisexuals will know they will always be accepted there. I have many gay friends, so I participated in the campaign.

 

The day I put the rainbow sticker in my office- my gay co-worker came up to me and looked at the sticker. His exact words were "You don't know how much that means to me". That was the first and last thing he's ever said to me about his sexuality. But he knows I know I guess.

 

I suggest this book:

 

 

 

I hope you find true happiness and inner peace, and love the person you are.

 

Please know that you can PM me anytime about these issues if you want. I will never judge and always be accepting. As I mentioned I have many gay friends (most male)- I've seen what they've gone through over the years. I think I have so many gay friends because I have a "gay radar". My gay friends actually coined that term and use it to describe me.

 

 

BellaDonna

[FoxLocke]

Kidd, if we didn't live in different states I'd swear we lived in the same neighborhood. I've ALWAYS had this particular problem, "watching my masculinity" so to speak...

 

So today, I was helping putting these boxes on the shelves & one of my coworker's (a female) asked me if I was gay.She took me by surprise when she asked it but I quickly replied with a no.She replied with a "THANK YOU JESUS!!".It was so shocking to me I literally had butterflies in my stomach. She then asked if I had a girlfriend & I replied with a yes very quickly.

 

I've been through this so much. I've been asked, regularly, if I'm gay since the 4th grade(no joke!). Gay men always think I'm gay(well duh, since I'm a gay man myself), and I'm not effiminate in the least(however, I'm not overly masculine guy either...). I have even had gay guys make passes at me as well...This was well before I came out to myself. It makes me wonder how gaydar works because some of them approached me in the grocery store and asked for my phone number...

When I was in denial a few years back one of my gay co-workers told me he thought I was gay at first. I asked why he thought that? He said, "Well, you don't scream MACHO." So I asked him what did that mean. And he replied that I had a very quiet demeanor and a really nice speaking voice. He furthered stated that most straight men are bold and brazen, whereas I was laidback and etc...

Grant it, I should have taken BellaDonna's advice and filed a sexual harassment suit, because I was offended that my sexuality was being discussed at work. However, I didn't know my rights then...

Then this one lesbian that I knew about a year or so ago(that I actually thought I was attracted to...it turns out that I liked her mainly because she was into all the same comic books that I was. I had no sexual feelings towards her)said she thought I was. I asked why. She said that I was really cute and boyish.

Mind you, these are only TWO incidents. I have been asked if I'm gay several times and it has been rumored more than that.

 

Kidd, you definitely don't have to be a flaming Rupaul lookalike for people to start suspecting your sexuality. If you don't fit a certain "norm" or aesthetic that people associate with straight men then the labels automatically start flying...As homosexuality becomes more open people's perceptions are broadening as well. Gay men no longer only look like Carson Kressley or Elton John...Some look like Rock Hudson, Karamo from the Real World Philadelphia, Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal(although Heath and Jake aren't really gay(I wish!))...

Anyway, the girl who asked were you gay at your job was just being a rude and obnoxious twit. Or it could be a case of not having any home training. She was most likely just asking you because she might find you attractive and wanna hook up...And in this era of the "Down Low" being sensationalized she was probably just testing the waters...Which is sad, because most guys are in the closet(like us)out of fear. On that note, I think you ought to tell her that it's none of her damn business. Because that is a very obnoxious question when you are on the job. She's supposed to be working and not interrogating you about your sex life.

 

 

Also at my job, I work with two guys that are my age range.All they talk about is screwing different girls & how much they drink or smoke, which is really stupid personally to me really sorta uncomfortable around them because they're the big macho muscular type dudes.I'm not the type of person to party or drink, or talk about doing different women, which I'l probably never do lol.Sometimes I feel weird & left out, just listening to them talk so I make up stories & talk like I do those things too. I guess to break the silence & the tension between me & them.So we're actually pretty cool with one another now.Yesterday, a very obvious gay guy came in & them being ignorant,they started yelling at him & calling him a f------. One of them started saying I hate gay people, I'd beat the mess out of them! I was saying the same thing to break the silence yet again. But in my mind, I was bothered by how mean & cruel some people can really be.Also with that lady asking me that, I hope nothing gets back to those guys, because I really don't want tension or drama! I also don't want to get a beat down because I really can't fight.

 

The first part of your quote reminds me of a scene from the 40-Year-Virgin where Steve Carell talks about women's breasts feeling like sandbags just to get into the conversation about sex...which he's never had...lol.

I know how you feel. I have been in those situations and I still get in them now. I used to brag about all the women I had done, and talk nonchalantly about sex...I would mainly take my aquaintance's stories and put my own little spin on it...However, lately, when my friend's start talking about women I'll just say, "Yeah, she's gorgeous(because I still think a lot of women are gorgeous. You don't have to be straight to appreciate female beauty)" and leave it at that. I don't feel right lying to myself and pretending to be something I'm not anymore...If they suspect me being gay(which I am)fine...If they think I'm just a prude whose never been laid then so be it.

I think it is difficult for you since this is your job and you are trying to get along with everyone else. My advice to you is that your personal life is no one else's business but your own. Those guys are just full of machismo and just trying to show off their prowess...Don't feel the pressure to go along to get along. Because eventually there IS going to come a point when they either...

A.) Start suspecting your sexuality...

B.) Try and hook you up with a female because they think you are not getting any...

The situation with the gay guy that came into the store is kind of scary. However, I think a lot of straight men react that way to overtly effiminate men because that scares them. They are scared of homosexuality, and a fem guy represents their worst nightmare...a threat to their masculinity. I chock it up to them being some uneducated fools, who are unable to tolerate anyone or anything different from themselves.

I would DEFINITELY not tell them that I was gay. Even if they see that you are a gay man who is not much different from them they still might react in a negative way.

 

Basically, your job is your job. It should be all about your profession. Your personal life is none of their business.

 

 

Now, I 'm really worried about my level of masculinity, do I need to be more macho or what??I don't want people knowing about me, not now.. it's just not a good time.Being gay & living in a mostly straight society is so hard. I can't be who I want to be without problems.. I'm so tired of people's ignorance, it's draining & frustrating to me.Keeping my sexuality a secret, seems to get harder as you get older.. as I've noticed..

 

I can only give you some advice from my point of view. In the past I tried to be as masculine as possible, just so people would not think I was gay. And I thought the less people thought it the happier I would be. I couldn't have been anymore wrong.

When I accepted being gay what people thought stopped mattering to me. Because, for the first time, I finally felt authentic. Now, I feel free to just be myself. So what, I am meticulous about my appearance, I love Star Wars, movies, and comic books, and I'm quiet and soft spoken...A lot of straight guys are too...Being myself is much easier than perpetrating a front.

Kidd, if you start acting like them then they are going to expect you to start behaving like them. They are going to expect you to goto straight clubs with them, pick up females, and then tell your torrid sex stories...

You don't have to disclose your sexuality...but don't lie to appease them either. I did it for along time, now I'm having the damndest time trying to truly be who I am. And why would you want to be friends with them? Friends are supposed to lift you up not bring you down. I really think people who call others f@gs, N-words, and every other vile slur suck. Those types of people are incredibly miserable and insecure and they aren't worth being around. You shouldn't settle for less when it comes to friendship. Friends will love and accept you JUST AS YOU ARE, no stipulations attached.

 

I know it is really hard. But it is even harder when you try to maintain a lie, I can tell you that much.

 

I know, more than likely, people that I am close to already suspect that I'm gay. But so far they probably don't even care simply because I am who I am. You're still the same person and if they can't accept that then to hell with them. Just because you are attracted to other men does not make you any less worthy of respect.

 

Well, you don't have to take my advice. But I hope it helped you out bud!

[UT]

I'm having the same problem. a few days ago a friend of mine who knows I'm gay told me that his girlfriends friends though I was acting a little gay. I don't see me as acting gay but I don't really know. it's not up to me I guess. I don't care anymore. I'm not gonna tell people I'm gay because it has nothing to do with anything especially not in school but I'm not gonna lie if someone asks me.

 

thakid, whether you're gay or not is none of her or anyone elses business. it is up to you to tell whoever you want to. her reaction justified your lie. one big problem is that no matter how much we try we can never totally hide what we truly are... I know a gay guy who knew I was gay before I know or was sure myself...

[Jinx]

I think everyone has pretty much covered the basics, but in this day and age you really don't need to be all out gay for people to wonder or anything of that nature.

 

I appear feminine (but not overly so) enough that I have men hitting on me. Yet, I have had both gay (More so) and straight men ask I was a Lesbian, leaving me there thinking, "Just what kind of vibe am I giving off here?" Then I start wondering if there is a lesbian talk, walk, wear or what that is making them hit the nail on the head. Then it hits me, maybe it was just an assumption based on what they've heard. Most end up learning I haven't had a boyfriend for awhile, or that I didn't wear a dress to a job interview. So many things that can go on.

 

Some straight people have GayDar's I'd like to steal too. I knew one woman back in high school who just randomly picked through a crowd and would say, "Hes Straight, They're Gay, Shes Confused, Shes Straight." etc, it was like a Duck Duck Goose and it never failed to me amaze me that most of the time she was right eventually in one shape or form. I really wonder where she is now for that.

 

Like me now, as I've said my Gaydar is a cruel twist of fate and reality or people are just flat out not honest. I can look at a man, as masculine as he may seem and there is just something that I can't lay a finger on and most of the time he does end up being gay. Now, on the other hand you could probably put me in a room of normal everyday dressing, acting, and not overly masculine type lesbians and I'd have not a clue.

[Prufrock06]

Thakid,

 

I agree with BellaDonna in that I don't think any of this stress will be resolved until you develop a better sense of who you are as a gay male and get over some of these self-esteem and self-conscious humps. Ultimately, I feel that if you did this, you wouldn't worry so much about whether you appeared gay to others or not. Of course, I know this is a hard thing to do and God knows I'm still working on it myself, but I think you'll find that the more you develop a kind of inner pride about who you are and what you're attracted to, the more this will help you to stop letting other people's perceptions of you stress you out. Is this making sense at all? I really sympathize with your issue because I do deal with worries abou7t other people's opinions and perceptions but I do think it is possible to get over worrying about stuff like that. And talking about your thoughts on a place like here is a great way to work through something like this.

 

I know where you're coming from regarding the problematics of not looking like a stereotypical gay male, but in a way my problems are a bit different. I'm pretty "straight-acting" in mannerisms, etc. etc. and I worry sometimes that maybe I'm not outwardly gay enough to get the attention of other guys. So whereas you're worried about trying to hide any outward sense of your sexuality, here I am wishing that I had some kind of big neon sign over my head with a big arrow pointing at me and flashing lights reading: I'M GAY AND I'M AVAILABLE. hahaha.

 

But ultimately, it would be foolish for either of us in our opposite situations to change our mannerisms to hide or display what we are. I don't feel like I need to start wearing tight clothing, walk with swaying hips, etc. etc. in order to put my sexuality on display -- and you shouldn't feel like you need to supress yourself in order to hide your sexuality. "Be yourself." -- it's corny and overused but in the particular cases of us in this thread, it seems to work better than anything I could suggest.

 

Hope this helps you out!

[KIDD]

First off I really want to thank everyone's input, all of you made me think in one way or another. I never really thought about being ashamed of who I am.I'm seriously confused right now about myself. My sexuality just comes into conflict with everything in my life & it irks me really. I can't be full blown out because where I am, some people would actually try to fight you because you're gay.Then there's the pushing of people wanting you to date.. It's like seriously, get out of my life! If I want to be single, I will be just that single, I'm not going to use a girl to hide my sexuality.

 

Not caring however is a hard process! I feel that I will lose alot & open up a whole new can of problems if I were to come out.Today was a pretty smooth day at work, It was pretty comfortable, that woman that questioned my sexuality wasn't there & also those two guys weren't there also. I actually felt comfortable today. But tomorrow however will be a different story.. Hopefully 2006 will be a better year for me..

 

Prufrock06 lol!! I agree with you on attracting another gay males attention, I wonder how can I do that without having to turn to a fem (no offense).But one thing I always do is the stare. I'll stare at a dude I may be attracted to at a mall. Some guys actually stare back & some don't pay attention.Then there's the ones, most likely straight that go.. what are you looking at? I find this to be effective.There was one guy at a mall that I got his attention. I looked at him & he actually smiled. I wasn't bold enough to talk to him but I regret that. That's another thing, I'm too scared to put myself out there!

[BellaDonna]

My sexuality just comes into conflict with everything in my life & it irks me really. I can't be full blown out because where I am, some people would actually try to fight you because you're gay.Then there's the pushing of people wanting you to date..

 

I'm not sure of your age or location- but one potential future goal for you might be to move somewhere which is more liberal. If your environment is negatively affecting you, and you ultimately fear for your safety, moving might be the best thing you can do. I know it sounds extreme- but if you live in a community ridden with small-minded intolerance and hate- that is only going to inhibit your personal growth.

 

At the very least, take a vacation to a more liberal place (San Fransisco CA, Provincetown, MA...if you're in the U.S.) so you can see that hate and intolerance is not the norm.

 

 

BellaDonna

[girltrappedinside]

Wow, this thread spoke VOLUMES to me! At my job there are a bunch of rednecks and thugs. Some of them do talk to me, but only in a "how's it goin'?" sort of way, but never any really deep conversation. The other guys don't say a peep to me. The only people I've had any real conversation with there are women. My supervisor (who I strongly feel is a lesbian, I'm bisexual) and a co-worker (who I think is open-minded enough to have at least 'experimented'). The other day the co-worker told me that she knew I was 'different' from the first day I started working there, that I was "very tune with the world around you". You think? LOL! You have to be when you're trying to guard your sexual orientation. I also think that when you're having an identity crisis, in terms of "who you are", it makes you more sensitive to the world around you. Everytime I come onto my shift, I feel like I have to go into super-macho mode in order to be accepted, and that all eyes are on me. The only thing I take comfort in is my suspicion that a number of people I work with are something other than straight. I don't know, maybe when I've been working there awhile longer I'll open up more and be myself.