Ended This Morning, New Year's Eve

[feelingafraid]

I feel raw, afraid, financially stapped, betrayed, angry, let down, stupid, taken, etc.

 

After 3 years of dealing with porn, lies, promises, etc. I came accross a credit card bill entailing many charges to a phone sex operator.

 

I also feel guilty. He keeps on saying "We can get through this" I'm sorry, it will never happen again. ETC.

 

I work days, he works nights, I got sick of wondering what he was doing when I was at work, and wondering what he was doing when I was at home.

 

I feel Broken Right now.

 

To top it off, I had my car stolen when I was at work the other day, so I am also on foot now until I can afford another one.

 

Having sex with him was pretty difficult over the past year with all of the lies involved, so he told me that was the reason. HIs lack of a normal sex drive drove him to do all of this.

 

 

I have a manager at my job who is going through breast cancer and double masectomy this week and I don't have the option of anything less than 100% at work this week, so I am trying to function now.

 

He's been gone for 2 hours now.

 

HOw long will I feel rotten?

 

Thanks.

[nikkers04]

I dont know what it feels like to be put through that but I do know the feeling of having your heart ripped out I let him go yesturday. And the thought of not having him as my new years kiss destroys me. If you need someone to talk to pm me

[feelingafraid]

As he packed his stuff today he wanted a kiss goodbye, I told him you already kissed me goodbye when you picked up that phone last month and proceeded with that woman.

 

I'll get through this, I wish I could think straight though so i could work on my budget this afternoon.

[Miss M]

Feelingafraid, sounds like he's been acting up while trying to pin the responsibility on you. Of course it's best to be rid of him now, but every time you feel guilty and stupid, just remember those feelings are what he has been trying to instill in you, not legitimate. You shouldn't feel guilty or stupid when he screws up and betrays you. You have done nothing wrong. You have only trusted him while he has betrayed that trust on many different levels.

 

Unfortunately the pain will probably take some time to mend, but you WILL get through this, just one step at a time. Come back here to post when it gets rough so we can help you through it.

[Danny H]

Good luck feelingafraid, it is particularly hard today, being new years eve.

 

But I guess we can all start the new year fresh.

 

He shouldn't have treated you that way, and inside He should know that.

 

Best

 

dan

[chai714]

FeelingAfraid,

 

Your fears are normal given the situation you're in.

 

It's a brave thing you're doing right now - covering work for your boss who has a serious life situation in her own hands.

 

I think you made a good decision in the long run, because you'll no longer have to worry about him doing all of these things behind your back. Not sure how long you'll feel "rotten" but things will get progressively better as time goes on. Hang in there.

[newby]

FeelingAfraid,

 

This sounds an awful experience for you.

 

You are doing such a good thing in supporting your work friend who is having a difficult time. Give yourself credit for that. You are going through hell and still strong enough to give a friend in need help.

 

I am sorry, and this will sound hard but this bloke is a sleaze and you deserve much better. Get out of this relationship. Focus on what you need and want. Don't listen to his crappy excuses and get your life back on track.

 

I don't know how long you will feel rotten. It's a rotten thing he has done, repeatedly- remember that. This time of year seems to accentuate pain in these difficult situations but we will all be stronger in a days time. In a weeks time we will be stronger again, and hell in a month we will be storming!!!"

[BigSyke]

well get through it togeather. My ex gf left me on christmas, and now talks about this guy. I am so torn apart right now. We were engaged. We will both go through this together so your not alone

[Shadows Light]

You did the right thing. Take it one day at a time. It gets better each day.

[ggoman]

You definitely did the right thing... and in all likelihood, you are going to feel

DESTROYED for awhile. I'm not trying to be negative; I just want you to know that it is normal to feel REAAALLLLLY BAD for awhile. But like others have said, you simply must get through each day. And believe me, you CAN get through it, it just takes a lot of work. You will feel better in time. But you need to heal first. Try not to contact him... it will definitely speed up the healing process.

I'm going through a bad breakup myself right now. It really sucks to have to deal with this on Christmas and New Years. Oh man, it just bites. But you have to just push on knowing that things will get better -- and they certainly will. You are being strong... don't give up.

[newby]

Man it is such a pain in the * * * to have to deal with a break up at this time of year isnt it?

 

I can't believe how cruel and stupid people can be. But for all of us going through this crap at this time of year

 

Cheers and Good Luck for 2006 - nothing will ever feel this bad again and we have survived it!! Good for us. We are strong and good people and those that have harmed us will live to regret their weakness.

[feelingafraid]

Nauseated, anxious, at one point panic stricken. I feel like such a loser for still having strong feelings over someone who would take our relationship and just mangle it with his phone calls to these women. I am bouncing back and forth between anger over the money spent, to feeling desperate and actually called him sounding like a pathetic loser.

 

I feel like i let myself down today. Why would I even care over someone who has betrayed me like this is the question I ask myself tonight.

 

I'll get through this somehow. I didn't tell one of my best friends when she called to check on me tonight that I had broken my own code and called him. I didn't want to let her down. My friends that do know what has happened are pretty angry at this person.

 

We are both in recovery from drug addiction also ( I have 3 years clean on January 14th, he is going on 7 years off drugs) so they all think that he is a jerk. Part of me feels bad for saying anything in my outbursts I have managed to tell quite a few people.

 

I am sure that he had to be seeing prostitutes also if he was paying someone

over the phone for phone sex.

 

I am just confused and feel I have let myself down today.

 

 

[Miss M]

Hey Feelingafraid, those roller coaster feelings are actually very "normal" in their own way. The kind of relationship you had usually creates this kind of confusion in a person. This is to be expected even though it feels like a confusing torture. Your feelings are pulling you in all different conflicting directions at once. And some of those feelings, although very powerful, they are also scaring you because you know if you give in to them it will be harmful to you.

 

You feel affection for someone who has hurt you, and another part of you is horrified that you could feel that affection. A part of you feels responsible, like you should apologize for your rage. But another part of you is screeching, knowing you're the one who has been harmed, knowing that you're the innocent one.

 

You want to berate yourself for loving someone who mistreats you because you feel like your loving feelings are betraying you. All of that is understandable.

 

He is the one betraying you, and when you yell it out to tell the truth about it to others, you feel like you're a horrible person. That is just part of the illegimate guilt. Try not to let it torture you. You are right to be angry, to feel betrayed by him.

 

Your anger and rage are legitimate under these circumstances. Try to remember to be kind to yourself. Try to remember that your anger to yourself is misdirected. Try to remember that you don't deserve your disgust. Try to remember you're not the one who has betrayed the relationship.

 

Even though you feel horrible, you are not really a loser, and you have not let yourself down. Those things feel true, but they aren't true at all. You have to start being kind to yourself so you can begin to heal and move on.

 

Are you friends supportive to you? Understanding and nurturing? If so, don't keep things from them, don't shut them out. Let them help you. Let them in so they can help you keep your focus in those moments when you feel so distracted.

[feelingafraid]

I feel strangly allright this morning. So we'll see how my day goes, I liked waking up today by myself. He is probably on his way home from work heading over to his new couch at a friend's house to lay his head down.

 

Thanks for the advice

[Shadows Light]

Yes...it is painful to let go of someone that you love and have feelings for.

 

If you can not come to a compromise, and you can't work it out. Then its best for "all" to let go. To be the stronger person.

 

And letting go of it...is painful. Its like amputating your right arm because its developed gangrene in it. You need your arm, you love your arm, you can't imagine your life without your right arm. However, for your own good and longevity... guess what... YOU have to do what you have to do.

 

Its a painful decision. And once you've made it. It is a painful operation... with a long healing process afterward.

 

But you know what???? Lots of people LIVE without their right arm. They learn to use their left. And they go on to be happy and healthy.

 

Your BF being an Ex-drug addict.. may have given up one addiction for another addiction. Its not uncommon. He's got an addictive personality.

 

Since you've also been there and are 3 years clean. I'd venture to say you may have some of those same quailities....and you've become addicted to him. And having him with you. You know what you have to do and what is right for you. You'll make it. One day at a time, one foot at a time.

[feelingafraid]

I made it through today ok, I like the advice I have been reading. I did pretty good, text messages (3 of them but aside from that I was able to not call). I left my cell phone at home so that I wouldn't be tempted throughout the day.

 

His theme still remains the same: He wants to make sure I haven't told anyone why we split up, and if he feels i did he wants to make sure that I remembered to tell them that are sex life was strained over the past 1.5 years.

 

This is all about me supossedly not sleeping with him enough so that he wouldn't have to resort to phone sex with women.

 

Whatever. I just went to work, we are doing a bridal show this weekend and am pretty side tracked with that. This whole job of mine really cracks me up dealing with the brides and all......

[feelingafraid]

I guess I feel bad. Our sex life had taken a big dive particularily 1.5 years ago when I found him doing some porn (also lying about it etc). Anyhow, I only like to have sex about every 10 days or so, my sex drive has declined, but at some point last year, I began having sex with him mainly to keep him from doing porn or feeling overwelmingly deprived.

 

I can actually go days without feeling like doing it. I feel like maybe I did contribute somehow to our problem. He said he wanted sex 1-2 times a week, I told him with both of our schedules (he works night/I work day) and me being exhausted when I come home it was hard on me to "perform" twice a week, because that is what it started feeling like.

 

Anhow, I know the month that he did the phone sex that he wasn't deprevied the whole month and I was getting tired of being leered at every time I made a move (even me using the bathroom would get turned into some sort of sexual moment for him) if I happened to not shut the door when I was in the bathroom. I began fearing taking off my clothes, it seemed he was always watching, waiting for the right moment to pounce on me.

 

I am disguested even talking about it. Why do I even care. Time will do us some good apart - if even just ends us.

 

After writing I see where maybe I should have been alittle more accoomodating but I am extremely exhausted after work and i actually like to build my sex drive up and that seems to work for me and I get more enjoyment out of it if I do this. He just was resentful that I needed to build my sex drive up.

 

Who knows, I'm jsut rambling now.

[Miss M]

Feelingafraid, from all you've written in this thread, it's obvious you were in an emotionally abusive relationship. And in those types of relationships, the abuser mistreats the other person, and then convinces her/him that the mistreatment was his/her own fault. When you stay in those relationships long enough you also start to believe that you were the one who did the harm to the other. And each time you get abused, mistreated, betrayed, you start feeling that the abuse directed toward you was legitimate. You think it was justified, and you think the abuse was a logical response in the other person, something he did because of some harm you did to him. That's why it's so hard to break free, because every time you try to think of reasons to get yourself away from the pain, it automatically triggers this need to blame yourself for the pain you're trying to escape. And instead of getting away you end up feeling guilty, and going back to the abuser. And you end up feeling as if it was you who mistreated the other person. And you start seeing the person who abused you as some type of victim of your mistreatment. But all of that is backward, and none of that is true or accurate.

 

In what you've written here, he sounds like he had a sexual addiction, and an addiction to porn. And it seems like he was trying to make you responsible for those, trying to make it all your fault. But his addictions weren't created or made worse because you weren't being accomodating to him, and he was wrong to try to make you feel that way. You are not responsible for his addictions. And feeling responsible like that is never a reason to put up with abuse.

 

It so happens I've also been in a relationship with a sexual addict, and his way of leering at you in every moment, even while you on the toilet is a huge turn off. And feeling like you have to accommodate a sexual addict no matter what, no matter how you feel... well, it starts to feel like a never-ending job, not like a warm intimate joining between two loving people. And my ex also told me I should "perform" no matter how tired or sick I was. And he tried to make me feel like his sense of deprivation was all my fault because I wasn't accomodating him enough, but it really had nothing to do with me. In fact, that relationship I had with him turned me off of sex for a very long time, so I can understand why your sex drive became more and more diminished. He should not have made the sex a time to blame you for his addictions. And you should try to let go of the guilt he tried to instill in you, so you can let go, heal, move on.