Improper.. or is it me?

[Andrew217]

My girlfriend is a divorced mother who has 2 daughters, ages 20 and 19. Both have boyfriends. Neither is engaged at this point. For some reason my GF started hugging the boyfriends as they come and go from her home.

 

She is definitely an attractive lady and the hugs are not the "A Frame" type of hug. I have asked her not to do it but she gets quiet and can't even explain why she started doing it.

 

I explained that the 21 and 20 yr old men are certainly getting their kicks from the hugs..I sure would have at that age.

 

I think it is something that got started and she thinks it would be noticed and misinterpreted as being upset with them if she stopped doing it.

 

OK, there you have it. Am I just a prude or is this improper behavior on her part?

[BellaDonna]

Hi there! Welcome to enotalone.

 

I'll give you my opinion on the matter:

 

Honestly- her behavior does not sound too strange to me.

 

I don't think she's trying to be flirty or perverted. Some people are just more physically expressive then others based on a number of factors such as culture and upbringing and personality. I grew up in an Italian family where hugs and kisses are the norm.

 

If she's simply hugging them- its a greeting behavior. If she humped them or put on a strip show or kissed them on the lips then I would say it was concerning.

 

When I dated my husband my mother often hugged him good-bye and my dad would shake his hand or pat him on the back. Women hug more- they are nurturers.

 

I explained that the 21 and 20 yr old men are certainly getting their kicks from the hugs..I sure would have at that age.

 

Just because you would does not mean that they are. They are dating her daughters- they obviously like women their own age. They want her approval so they will accept the hug to be polite.

 

Do you think it could be come insecurities on your part that would make you interpert this so negatively? (For instance- did you like older women as a young man, or are you not feeling good about yourself at this point- to make you think she's hugging for unpure reasons)

 

 

BellaDonna

[nikkers04]

As long as it was just a motherly hug I would say its ok but if its more than that I would say that is not ok

[Andrew217]

That's my issue. She isn't their mother. Her own daughters tell her she's a MILF. I do know kids of all ages quite well as I have been a teacher/coach for 22 years.

 

Is there some insecurity on my part? Probably. I just hate the idea of adolescent boys using her for their fantasies which isn't proveable but is very possible.

 

Thanks for the replies so far. I just don't see why the behavior is desirable.

[Andrew217]

Exactly!! Thank you.

[Andrew217]

"Thing is, she doesn't want to stop it. She's got issues."

 

I'm not a female and can't think like one. What type of issues are you thinking about? Feel free to email if you don't want to address the issues here.

[Andrew217]

Hmmmmm...thanks again.

[theantibarbie23]

I come from a family of huggers so hugging people outside of the family really doesn't sound odd to me. Of course there is a difference between a hug and a HUGGGGGGGG but if she's just innocently hugging these guys in a friendly type manner, I really don't see it as an issue other than insecurities on your part.

 

My mom has always hugged my boyfriends, I never thought twice about it. I knew it wasn't a sexual thing, she's just an affectionate person.

[BellaDonna]

the hugs are not the "A Frame" type of hug

 

Can you explain this more?

 

Because so far based on what you've written there are no huge red flags as I read it.

 

What kind of hug is it exactly? Specifically, which part do you see as most inappropriate? If you elaborate more then I might be able to see where you're coming from.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaDonna

 

When I dated my husband my mother often hugged him good-bye and my dad would shake his hand or pat him on the back. Women hug more- they are nurturers.

 

 

 

That's not the same type of hug you're mom was giving your b/f......I hope......

 

 

I need to establish exactly what kind of hug he's talking about here.

 

I would find it inappropriate if the hug

 

*lasted a long time

 

*was more like a "squeeze"

 

*their bodies were extremely close togther

 

 

BellaDonna

[Andrew217]

*lasted a long time

 

*was more like a "squeeze"

 

*their bodies were extremely close togther

 

 

The first one is anyone's interpretation of what is long or too long. Can't help with that.

 

The second..yes..pretty tight contact ..which covers the third one, I think.

 

This is a person who needs to be all things to all people. That part of her makeup causes 90% of my conflicts with her. And my jealous nature causes 90% of her problems with me. I admit to insecurity about the situation.

 

It happens often enough to keep the cup overflowing and we have never come to a real resolution and maybe never will?

[Bethany]

Pressing herself up close to them in sexual way is a big No-No. So if you are not sure look out for body language, if she presses her pelvis up against theirs in a sexual way for example, eye contact, nervousness, becoming overexcited, shows off infront of them, goes out of her way to be around them. All good signs of that is happening 'behind the scenes'. I think it's just one big horny game for her But if your still not sure.... trust your instinct.

[Andrew217]

It is one of those too-close-to-call things. I would have never asked for other opinions if it were easy.

 

No. There is no grinding, etc. Just face to face hugs which aren't really suggestive of anything.. except to a paranoid jealous type person such as I am.

 

The point is, she didn't have to start it and now that she has started, she does not know how to gracefully stop.

 

She won't talk about it. She may be more stubborn than I am...lol.

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend's mother hugs me. Granted, I'm a female but she also hugs my boyfriend's friends. It is not sexual, it's a hug.

 

If there really was a problem with the type of hugs she was giving I'm sure that her daughters would have picked up on it giving both their mother and their boyfriends hell.

[RayKay]

My mum gives my boyfriend, and my sister's and brother's boyfriends (yes typed right ) big hugs...they are part of the family, truly as they are very involved in our family life, and she always hugs. His parents do the same to me...his dad will shake everyone else's hands, but I get big hugs

 

Maybe your girlfriend also feels they are part of the family now too?

 

Some families/people ARE more affectionate then others, and you have not really given much other reason that she would be inappropriate. Unless she is grinding them, or they are holding the hug a really LONG time, or grabbing, I think a close hug is pretty normal.

 

I think it could not be that over the line, or her daughters would probably say something? As teenage girl myself once, heck even now, if my mother was to do something like that (she wouldn't, but if she was over the line) I would have made sure she knew it!

 

As a former teenage boy yourself, I am sure you can also attest they may fantasize hugs or not, you can't really prevent thoughts!

[Andrew217]

Rationally, I know what you say makes sense. But, as another person pointed out, would she like it if I had grown sons and hugged their gfs face to face? We all know what parts touch in a real hug. I'm thinking she might not be comfortable with a reversed situation.

I appreciate all the feedback. It does help figure things out.

 

Any male perspectives out there?

[RayKay]

Rationally, I know what you say makes sense. But, as another person pointed out, would she like it if I had grown sons and hugged their gfs face to face? We all know what parts touch in a real hug. I'm thinking she might not be comfortable with a reversed situation.

I appreciate all the feedback. It does help figure things out.

 

Any male perspectives out there?

If you are talking about breasts and such, I think it is rather unfair to be critical because her breasts touch in a hug, as someone with good sized boobs myself, you can't really HELP it, and it should not be an impingement to giving someone I care about a big hug (or them to me!). Male friends and female friends alike, I am not going to give them some awkward half hearted hug just because I have boobs

 

How else is she supposed to hug them but face to face? Why don't you just ASK her how she would feel instead of assuming it would be a double standard? I personally have no issue if my boyfriend gives my mother, his female friends, etc a big hug.

[LiquidCherry]

So what if you had grown sons and hugged their girlfriends? Wouldn't it mean that you cared about them, approved of them, and were glad your son was happy with someone? Wouldn't it be a way to welcome them into your family? (you don't have to be engaged to welcome someone, btw) If you had a grown son and you hugged their girlfriend I am *positive* that you wouldn't be doing so out of attraction. Give your girlfriend a break. Caring and being able to show affection are POSITIVE personality traits.

[Andrew217]

I tend to agree with her opinion that things look different from the other's perspective. Apparently, age may be a factor here as we are both in our 40's. I was spared the group hug thing..thankfully.

 

My lady friend won't discuss the subject, but I know her well enough to know that I would be getting some form of flak from her (probably well placed smart remarks) if the situations were reversed. As I said, it appears she started doing the hugging thing and after I expressed disapproval she would like to stop but can't do so without appearing that she has changed toward the bfs. Oddly, we communicate very well on almost anything else.

 

Hey. If I knew the answers, this post would never have appeared here.

 

And, I never said I should feel this way, but I do and feelings are not always controlled by rational thinking.

[melrich]

I don't come from a hugging family so it would certainly seem strange to me if my mother started hugging my friends or my sister's boyfriends.

 

But I'd guess if we were a hugging family it would just seem normal.

 

So. Does she hug other people like your are describing or is it just confined to these 2 young guys? I think if these 2 guys were the only people she hugged like that then you have reason to question the gesture.

 

If it is something you have seen her do with others then the issue may have more to do with you.

[melrich]

LOL...yes I agree...no hug is the default. But some people are not so sensitive to the comfort of others. I have a wife of a cousin (she's european) who's greeting is a kiss on the lips. She's fearsome and no one has the courage to tell her to stop...

 

So I am assuming that this woman is pretty well blind to the personal space of others around her.

[poke]

Andrew, How do the daughters feel about it... have you noticed them feeling uncomfortable when it happens.

 

Personally I think pelvic contact is inappropriate. Breast contact is fine.

 

If she is looking for strategies to help break the habit without appearing to be going cold... then tell her to start hanging around people with the flu being sick is as good a reason as any not to hug. Then she can just not start up the hugging again when she gets better... they won't even notice

[poke]

hmmm... that could be true too.

 

Either way, there needs to be more communication to resolve the issue.

[Andrew217]

I agree with much you have said. Control isn't the reason. That isn't her at all. I do think a streak of unconscious pleasure from hugging hot young guys could be the underlying reason she can't talk about this.

 

It isn't a mad refusal to talk but more of a bewildered thing like...I dunno how this started ? She is very image conscious with her daughters and is a great mom. She is one of very few people who are liked by little kids, teens, adult females and males. She absolutely thrives on being liked and is hesitant to say or do anything that would displease someone she knows. She is unhappy that I'm not pleased but seems sort of "stuck" right now.

 

It's so dam* hard to explain what another person is like to someone who doesn't know that person. This won't make much sense to anyone who hasn't known someone like her.

 

I get where all of you are coming from but still...nothing quite fits this situation perfectly though many good thoughts have been shared, I thank all of you again.

[Andrew217]

It isn't ok. She knows it and so do I. The conflict has caused us some problems for a few months. It isn't a real fight.. just a disagreement that is unresolved. I think it would be classified as a moderate conflict. It won't break us apart but the underlying tension can cause uncomfortable moments at times.

 

A big part of me feels I'm wrong here, as others have pointed out. But what you have said in some posts is how I feel about it ...inside, on the emotional level.

 

There is more going on here than just a hugging issue.

 

Sometimes I think it is easier to p*ss me off than others because she knows I love her regardless of being angry from time to time. Looking at other people's take on it on it helps me to understand things better...including my own insecurities. OK..now I'm sounding like some needy, attention seeker which ain't me at all...this is the first time I ever asked anyone about anything.