Gay or something else?

[bmwsv101]

Is it weird to be practically 20 (in Jan) and still be a virgin? For the longest time, I held on to my virginity because I was in this whole mind set that some sex-crazed, hormonal boy was going to try and snatch it from me. But I've gotten over that as I realize that I'm not really sexually attracted to men anyway. I've considered the possibility that I might be bisexual or homosexual since about the 8th grade, and recently I kind of came to the conclusion that I actually was. Looking back on my childhood now, it's been easy to put the pieces together and really point out those "wow, that was pretty gay" moments. So everything seems fine and dandy, except that I'm still a virgin.

It seems everyone I know is constantly talking about wanting to jump people, due to hormones, sexual attraction, whatever. But I don't feel that way. I don't know if I ever have. I mean, I feel sexually attracted to people, and I've had crushes on people, heck, I've even felt like I was in love with certain people. But I've never had that sort of crazed, sexually passionate stuff everyone seems to experience. On top of that, I've never masturbated, never orgasmed.

I always thought that I was just waiting for the right person, but what if there isn't one? What if I'm some weird asexual freak or something? Or am I just freaking out because I just don't happen to fit into our society's mold on how sexually active people should be? Or is it possible for me to have some weird sort of mental block that keeps me from experiencing certain things?

I've wanted some help on this for a few months now, but it's not exactly something I would know how to get help on. Any suggestions, guidance, anything?

[johnagent1911]

I think you need to relax sexually... Sex isn't that big a deal you see. So to find that hot romance you want you have to be okay with being sexual. The whole great thing about lust is to go with your genitals, but it isn't if your not okay comfortable with yourself and feeling these desires?

 

Again you rejected the whole idea of "sex" it self. You were taught sex is bad. You still have those feeligns/fears deep inside.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Hey I know how you feel- I don't really feel a great sexual desire even though my entire social life is dominated by people trying to have sex with each other. But I've travelled round a bit and I've encountered a few different social groups- sadly I'm currently stuck in an "drink as much as you can and do as many people as you can" environment and often feel cold and inadequate but also lonely. But not everyone is doing that-

 

So what I'm trying to say is that you don't sound fulfilled in the situation you're in , and though you probably could, if you really wanted to, make the place you're in now work for you, you might also benefit from changing the world around you. Wherever you go you'll still be there but you also might find yourself more free to be who you want to be.

 

Sex in our culture is not the same as sex elsewhere- and ideas of sex vary wildly depending on whether you live in a tiny little village or New York City. If you were with a group of people that didn't talk about sex like it's a race (and they do exist believe me) then you wouldn't even think twice about it would you? Maybe there's nothing wrong with how you feel.. maybe you're just different from the people around you. When you're find yourself in a fresh environment you might find your true physical feelings come swimming to the surface.

[Tigris]

I know what it's like to feel confused. I'm 42 and have just recently realised that I've been a Lesbian in denial all my life! Like you I started to put all the pieces together. I remember how I felt from being the age of 7.

 

I lost my virginity at 22 because I was saving it for someone I loved. I've struggled with feelings for women for years and have been pushing them to the back of my mind!

 

I've been married twice and am going through a divorce right now. I'm also engaged to a wonderful woman and we plan to marry in 2007.

 

If you need to talk at all feel free to PM me. I'm also on MSN if you want my address just ask for it.

[win]

virginity is a phobia god-fearing people instill into their youth to shy them away from sex at an early age.

 

its really nothing, hell youve probably broken your hymen from inserting a tampon. that thin piece of tissue is the only difference between being a virgin and not for a woman. other than social stigmas and personal thoughts on the subject.

 

personally, i think everyone should be comfortable with their own bodies and know themselves sexually. try masturbating, unless thats something you just dont want to do. the main point of that is to relax, its not something you should be worked up about.

[Jinx]

Is it weird to be practically 20 (in Jan) and still be a virgin?

No it isn't weird. There are people in their 30's and 40's waiting for that perfect someone to share it with.

 

On top of that, I've never masturbated, never orgasmed.

This you may have to think about, why. Is it again because of a fear of losing something or just a lack of interest.

 

By the sounds it may indeed as others have stated more of a case of religious fear or whatever fear that you have brought upon yourself by thinking about these "sex crazed hormonal boys." That may have more reason behind the lack of male interest than being Bisexual or Lesbian. Of course we all have our own opinion but being Bisexual or Lesbian is being able to not only appreciate the physical but also emotional and relationship aspects.

 

What if I'm some weird asexual freak or something?

Calling asexuals freaks is like calling the rest of us on this board freaks. It is the same concept matter, varying from individual to individual, if they don't want sex, why must they be a freak?

 

Nonetheless all in all, it can vary from a very natural lack of interest, but more plausible the mental block and fear that has developed about men stealing your viriginity and negative sex related attitudes which have brought you to this thought. I think the course of action would be rethinking your own overall attitudes on sex and having a deja vu about the teachings you've had over the years. Those which come from a strong religious background or parents with very puritanical outlooks can have these blocks because they've been taught it is dirty from an early age. By the time of puberty the individual is desensitized about the dirtyness teachings but they still have the "Sex is bad, horrible, no can do." mindset. Depending how deep it reaches, some individuals need therapy to bring out those thoughts but given you're able to notice these facts you'll probably be able to reason out just why you're not interested.

 

If it continues, you could always bring up such concerns with a doctor to find out what it normal and what isn't and set yourself straight. There is an array of medical problems we can pass by that hurt one's natural sex drive, it may be something like that, which we cannot diagnose here via boards.

[FoxLocke]

Is it weird to be practically 20 (in Jan) and still be a virgin? For the longest time, I held on to my virginity because I was in this whole mind set that some sex-crazed, hormonal boy was going to try and snatch it from me. But I've gotten over that as I realize that I'm not really sexually attracted to men anyway. I've considered the possibility that I might be bisexual or homosexual since about the 8th grade, and recently I kind of came to the conclusion that I actually was. Looking back on my childhood now, it's been easy to put the pieces together and really point out those "wow, that was pretty gay" moments. So everything seems fine and dandy, except that I'm still a virgin.

 

No, it isn't strange. I'm only a few years older than you and I am still a virgin, for much the same reasons that you. Reading your post is like facing my own reflection, except I'm a gay guy.

Growing up I was raised in a devoutly Christian environment, and I wanted to preserve myself for marraige. In hindsight(well, even back then as well)I knew I was hanging onto my "purity" simply because girls did not interest me sexually. I tried to tell myself that if I waited for the "right" girl that the sparks would fly. But, generally, teenaged boys don't care about the right girl...They like the right now girl, and I really could have cared less either way...lol. So, like you, the pieces have come together for me.

I think it's great that you've acknowledged and accepted this part of yourself...Just think when you find the right girl not only will you be sexually compatible but you may also fall in love!

 

It seems everyone I know is constantly talking about wanting to jump people, due to hormones, sexual attraction, whatever. But I don't feel that way. I don't know if I ever have. I mean, I feel sexually attracted to people, and I've had crushes on people, heck, I've even felt like I was in love with certain people. But I've never had that sort of crazed, sexually passionate stuff everyone seems to experience. On top of that, I've never masturbated, never orgasmed.

 

I can relate to this as well. I think we both had a similar upbringing. In church I was taught that any sex that wasn't between a married male and female in the missionary position was a sinful act. So, for a long time I was not intune with myself as a sexual being. It may be hard to believe, coming from a guy, but I never masterbated all throughout my teens...Because I was afraid to do so because I viewed it as an abombination. However, the pent up "energies" usually came about during my sleep, regularly...which frightened me more because the dreams were about guys...and I went through this entire process of trying to force myself to dream about girls and blah, blah, blah it didn't work...It hasn't been until recently that I've allowed myself to be comfortable with my own body. Don't worry, you will too once you shed personal inhibitions...

 

I always thought that I was just waiting for the right person, but what if there isn't one? What if I'm some weird asexual freak or something? Or am I just freaking out because I just don't happen to fit into our society's mold on how sexually active people should be? Or is it possible for me to have some weird sort of mental block that keeps me from experiencing certain things?

I've wanted some help on this for a few months now, but it's not exactly something I would know how to get help on. Any suggestions, guidance, anything?

 

I think you may have put up your own road blocks. But don't worry. It is not something that can't be overcome. You don't have to be asexual or a nymphomaniac to be a normal person...The majority of people fall in between.

[bmwsv101]

Thanks to all of you for your responses. Let's see if I have anything to fill in.

 

Well, first off, you're right in some regards about how I was raised. My parents weren't particularly religious, but my dad was more than "pretty strict." I also grew up with the obvious fact that my mother was simply a sex object to him. I mean, I had that figured out by the 4th grade. As the oldest child, and with my dad's parenting, responsibility was something I became familiar with at an early age. It wasn't so much that sex was a "sin," but that it was irresponsible, but I guess with my dad's background, he probably felt that it was inappropriate for girls, especially young girls, to have any sort of sexual feelings. My mother just recently brought to my attention that when I was younger, probably 4 or 5, that my dad "caught" me doing something sexual and basically humiliated and spanked me over it.

However, my parents got divorced when I was in middle school, and ever since then, my mom has been the total opposite from my father, and very sexually liberated. She's been very encouraging and whatnot, and it seems to have rubbed off on my younger sisters (who she's having a hard time controlling now) but I'm still the same old me.

 

Oh and I didn't mean to say that I thought asexuals were freaks or anything. I was just speaking from the perspective that I assume I would be treated with if I were asexual. I guess I tend to write sarcastically (that goes for the sex crazed hormonal boys comment too). For a while, I also considered if the Lesbian or Bisexual conclusions I came to were just a result of some weird distaste of boys that was instilled in me when I was younger. I don't really think that's the case now, as I have plenty of male friends that I get along with quite well. They have more in common with me than some of my female friends So I think I've kind of grown out of whatever fear of boys I might have had when I was younger.

 

As for the masturbation issue, well, what I should have said was that I have never successfuly masturbated. This may sound ridiculous, but I can't seem to concentrate whenever I do try. My mind wanders, which kind of leads me to think that it is a mental hang up that I have. I just don't know how to bust through it.

[Prufrock06]

bmwsv,

 

That's really brave of you to be so open and honest about your sexuality, or what you see as a lack thereof. To be honest, I feel like society blows up the idea of sex to proposterous proportions to the point where it stress out people like you and me. I'm 23, I'm still a virgin and I'm part of a subculture that at times seems to stress sex and quick hookups over deep, interpersonal relationships and connections on both physical and emotional levels. Granted, this is just a small fraction of gay culture, but I feel at times that this is the only fraction that gets any "coverage" so to speak. Which for the longest time kept me closeted because I figured, well, if I'm not sex crazed, if I don't want to just go to a club and come home every Friday night with a different guy, if I would rather spend an evening cuddling or making out instead of dropping ecstasy and having empty sex marathons, if I was more interested in the idea of "making love" than "F'ing" -- then maybe I wasn't meant to be gay.

 

****Is this something anyone else on the boards has felt at one point or another? I'm also curious to know from the lesbians on the board: I feel sometimes as if gay culture puts more of a social emphasis on sex than lesbian culture. Do any of you think this way?****

 

In your case, it sounds like maybe there is some mental stressors you have that prevent you from enjoying any kind of sexual activity, whether it's masturbation or intercourse, or that prevent you from feeling that it's okay and healthy to be sexual. Perhaps it would be best to think about maybe exploring these issues in your past that you raise in your posts -- I'm not sure how keen you are on the idea of therapy or sexual couselling, but it's something worth considering and something that I personally found helpful in dealing with stressful issues. And if, indeed, you come to the conclusion that you're asexual, there's nothing wrong at all with that. I recently learned that sexuality is a very fluid thing and not something that should be considered etched in stone for all eternity.

 

Best of luck!

[bmwsv101]

Well it's a lot easier to be honest about things like this on here I would consider some sort of therapy for any mental blocks I have over this, but being a college student, how exactly would I go about something like that? I mean I can't exactly hire a therapist on my own. It's just kind of awkward anyway...it's not every day that I hear of people with similar problems to my own.

But thanks for the advice.

[Jinx]

I would consider some sort of therapy for any mental blocks I have over this, but being a college student, how exactly would I go about something like that?

Well, most if not all Universities offer Psychological/Therapy resources to their students but they can be quite a pain to dig up sometimes because usually you don't have people saying, "I went to see Dr. Doe, yeah, the College 'shrink', I've been having these problems, right that way, yup." Yet I believe they should have something about it in their student handbook, policies or services.

 

I believe most if not all counselors at schools do require some level of psychology training and you could probably bring it up then have them redirect you to the proper person. In psychology we're taught for our patients - I accept you. Unconditionally. Period. - No matter what so professionally they shouldn't have problems with any of this (we Psych students are taught to accept psychopaths like this too, so a mental block probably won't even make them twitch and they're usually understanding anyhow from what I've seen and in working experience with others) but I'm sure we all have our personal reservations which is understandable.

 

Back to the point, ask your counselor or student services about therapy on campus and if they offer free or reduced services to the full time students, most do.

 

I feel sometimes as if gay culture puts more of a social emphasis on sex than lesbian culture. Do any of you think this way?

I think like others have stated sometimes it is more of an acceptance thing.

 

Gay men are the taboo of sexual taboos when it comes to GLB it seems, thus I suppose the sex sticks out more.

 

Straights of course are most accepted, lesbians next because you have the men out there that upon seeing two lesbians kiss, instead of "Eww. Icky." they go "Oh yes, keep it up. You two busy later this evening?" I don't think I've ever heard a woman go up to two gay men and say "Hey, thats hot, you two busy later?". I think that has a major reason behind it.

 

Also the sex and drug emphasis of years ago, it gives gay men a bad image which certain individuals strive for it seems, and we are in a listen and learn environments so I think some take it upon themselves that, "They say thats what we are. Period. No ifs ands or buts."

 

Its like (This is so far off its nearing silly to compare but please bare with me), when you have a child whom say is in a situation with a single mother. The single mother resents the child, his father, and her father. Men in general lets say. She hates the father because he is a drunk, she tells the kid, you'll be a drunk just because all the other men have been. She hates her father because he caused different types of abuse and traumatized her, she tells the child he will be an abuser. The child lives around the negative tales of the men and thus the child is then embedded with the idea that he is just bad and meant to do it from the start. Thus there is an extremely high chance just because of all this exposure and multiple other elements that he will become an alcoholic and abusive towards women.

 

Our brains seek an image for every scenario, say we were taught Daisies would kill us before we ever seen a Daisy. We imagine some killer thing instead of a pretty flower. Eventually certain ones would gain the knowledge that Hey the daisy is fine, I can step on it, I can pick it, whatever. Yet some will never care to challenge and assume what is, just is and not to challenge it just - Carry on my friends, they said so.

 

Therein I suppose when there is an extremely greater portion of negative gay images some take those, it fills that empty slot in the brain. Everyone expects it to be bad, so why challenge it? Some will, most of the GLBT population on this board has good common sense and we pretty much defy the stereotypes but for each of us, there is at least a handful carrying on the negative images out in life, not caring to change the way we're often perceived as - Sex crazy perverts chasing anything and maybe some drugs on the side with the flannel closet.

 

I think its a matter of masculinity when you get down to it. Of course nothing is that black and white, there are other elements but I believe that is the leader. To people that carry on these ideas what is a safer alternative to them - Two men or Two Women. Women aren't much of a threat.

 

Of course, there are a lot of men out there that are just as "Eww. Ick." about Lesbians as they are Gay men and there are just as many who could care less just as long as they're not bothering them.

[bmwsv101]

Thanks for the info about possible therapy/counseling that colleges sometimes offer. I will definitely have to look into that when winter break is over. Honestly, I think seeing an actually trained counselor or therapist would be best. I've had a few psych classes (and even a human sexuality class) since I've been in college, and I guess I have a love/hate relationship with that knowledge I've gained. I think a major problem of people who have taken just a few intro courses in psych, is that they started learning things and then when events in real life start to look similar to the things they've learned, they start trying to diagnose and counsel themselves when in reality, all they've had is Psych 101 or something. At least I think that's my problem sometimes, and it's so annoying because I know how influential perception and labeling of issues are. You know, like if someone perceives that they have a problem, even if in reality they don't, they can still have those symptoms simply because they think they are suffering from that problem. I think maybe that might have something to do with my situation now. At some point in time, possibly years ago, maybe I did or didn't do something in accordance to some norm that I perceived to be true, and just falsely labeled it as a "problem" and it snowballed into what I deal with today.

I think I think too much.

[Jinx]

You're welcome.

 

I think a major problem of people who have taken just a few intro courses in psych, is that they started learning things and then when events in real life start to look similar to the things they've learned, they start trying to diagnose and counsel themselves when in reality, all they've had is Psych 101 or something.

Yes I see where Introduction Psychology can be a problem, people learn and to some point may even oversimplify the problems which were discussed and begin self help and personal diagnosis even if the problem is large in depth and needs outside help.

 

Then again, we learn in the upper level courses, we still need help. Not just because we're prone to self diagnosis aside of the additional information we've learned through courses since Psy 101 but the fact, more classes more opinionated people tend to become in what they believe should and shouldn't be done.

 

Right now I'm reading a book which is considered the "bible" of Psychotherapy. Has people, situations, techniques, etc... everything and even a section about - When the Therapist needs Therapy. It is interesting because it speaks about how a Psychologist's views will drive them away from seeking help from another to the point the Psychologist becomes a patient not by choice but instead because they become instable. One reason being, each takes his or her own spin on a particular situation to a degree, thus having conflict of ideas. Then certain others totally disregard the idea just because of the Psychologist shouldn't be the Patient element that comes to mind.

[bmwsv101]

I guess things like psychology are best left to professionals.

Thanks for all of your input. It's deeply appreciated