Was I Used As A Rebound?

[mikey24]

Okay, so I have posted here a few times in the last few weeks, and I know some of you, including PocoDiablo, are familiar with my story. I'm just wondering if I was a rebound. I mean, I date a girl for 2 months, everything is going great, very affectionate towards each other, she would call me and text me constantly everyday, and so I bring it up that I want to be serious, and she texts me that "she can't be serious because shes still in love with her ex, but knows they are not good together, and she wants to be with me". So now, its been a week, we've talked once and that's it. I texted her Wednesday to see if she wanted to do something, and I have gotten no response at all. It's unbelieveable. I feel like I was her back-up or maybe she used me to get over her ex. I don't know. I just think it sucks, and it has hurt beyond belief. There is absolutely no closure here, and I am doing NC, but it's very very hard. I know the statement "Kill her with silence". And I am trying. But why? What happened that all of a sudden a woman just goes from hot to cold like that? Why does she tell her friends and my friends she likes me too, and then nothing? I have a feeling she went back to her ex, but why after 2 months? I mean how long does it have to be to consider a "rebound"? I am not going to call her again, I'm promising myself that, but it is VERY hard to just all of a sudden stop what I'm doing. It makes no sense and it hurts. I admit I cry a few times and my nerves are going nuts. I'm trying to relax, but I'm sad because I feel that I was just used for someone to get over her ex, but I don't know that. It just really is a let-down.

[ShySoul]

I don't think you were a rebound. I look at rebounds as being devoid of real feelings and just to get over someone else. But in your case I sense that she does like you. You just had bad luck in walking into a messy situation. She has unresolved issues to work out that is confusing her and making her unsure of herself. So her feelings for you, while real, made things more complicated. She doesn't know how to handle them.

 

Also, what is her personality like? I know she said her parents were trying to get her back with the ex. Is she someone who has a hard time going against her parents? Thus she is fighting how she feels with a desire to please her family? Maybe she's afraid to rebel and go her own way?

[mikey24]

Her personality..well, she has trouble being open about things in person or on the phone, that's why most of the time she texts it to me..just like the one about the ex and her parents. She's only open with her feelings most of the time when she is drunk. She didn't say her parents were trying to get her back with her ex, but pretty much you could say they are. Her parents invite him to certain things. I am assuming she did dump him, especially if her parents are still wanting him around, but I really do not know.

 

But its funny, because a part of what you said is very true and you hit the nail on the head:

 

So her feelings for you, while real, made things more complicated. She doesn't know how to handle them.

 

She texted me this a few weeks ago: "I Like You Too Obviously, But I Don't Know How To Handle It".

 

Her family is a little wealthy, so maybe she is pressured to please them. I could not tell you. But I'm not a peasant or anything, I have a great job and live on my own, and I have talked to her mom a few times on the phone. She recently bought a condo and is moving in it March 1st, she still lives with her parents right now.

 

To me, I just don't understand why her sudden ignore towards me. Everything was fine, there was no arguments, and now she is just drifting away. It makes no sense whatsoever.

 

To me, it just doesn't make any sense how for 2 months, we can't even keep our hands off each other, talk all the time, and all these things she is saying to me, and BAM...only once have we talked in over a week. It's tearing me up real bad, mostly because we are good together, and I'm very pickey. I never settle for just anyone. And I don't know what to do now? Should I just move on and try to forget about it? And it's very unusual I text her, and she never even text me back..that is the first time she has ever done that. For a woman to say these things, yet start to ignore me = a very broken heart.

[PocoDiablo]

Mikey,

 

As you know, talk is cheap. I always tell guys to stay away from conversations on phones, email, texting, and IM because these are mediums that people can easily lose a "connection" when they are used. Sure, you may have a great "connection" over IM, but what about in person? If you don't have any "chemistry" in person then it's worthless.

 

Time spent together, in person, is all that matters.

 

And I have to point out, it doesn't matter what she says unless she backs it up with actions. I could tell you I love you, but if I never called you or asked you on a date you'd probably figure out it meant nothing.

 

Rebound? That is not the point. What is the point is that she found you exciting for a while, and then something happened to change her mind. If you started talking about your feelings frequently, I'd put money on the fact that it bored her and drove her away. Just like playing poker, if you show the other play your cards hand after hand it's just not fun to "win" every time. The same would go if you told me your life story on a first date. I'd be overwhelmed and bored and would not want to hang out with you. Hence why I tell guys to shut their mouths and ask questions, listen, and get to know the woman they are with and show them how you care with ACTIONS and not words.

 

What the most important thing for you to do here is to think about what you may have done or said and what *signals* she gave you in return that said "I did not like that." Did she lean back, cross her arms, get quiet, not return your call, etc.? Then you may have done something that lowered her interest level in you. Once her interest level is below 40% to 50%, she's going to pull away.

 

Sorry, my friend, but I think this is just a lesson to be used for learning, nothing more, nothing less.

[mikey24]

Okay Poco, I agree with all that you are saying. But you said:

 

If you started talking about your feelings frequently, I'd put money on the fact that it bored her and drove her away.

 

But see I didn't. I told her once, after a while because if you remember, this is not the first time we have dated, this is the second time. I've known her for 2 years. I told her because she thinks I'm a player and a * * * *. Now when she tells me this, she tells me playfully, but deep down inside she really does feel that I am, and so I felt that if I said nothing about wanting to be with her, she would think I'm still a player. Now maybe I shouldn't have told her I liked her alot, but if you were in my shoes, you would have done everything you could, because I had a "second chance", as you could say maybe. Now I agree with what you just said right here, but see this was not a first time thing. We know each other, so this is not someone I had just met 2 months ago. I'm not sure that even really applies to my situation. But maybe I'm wrong.

 

You also said:

 

Did she lean back, cross her arms, get quiet, not return your call, etc.?

 

The last time I saw her was last week after she had told me that she was confused and didn't know what to do because of her ex. Now when I saw her we had alot of fun at a bar with my friends, messed around, it was just like any other time we had been together. I never brought it up to her again about what she wanted. I said that day when she told me about all this, I said "I understand, I will hold back so you can sort your feelings out. We can just go with the flow like we are and see what happens". And she said okay. That's why I'm so confused Poco. Why stop talking to me now? I do agree 100% with what your saying though. Maybe the only thing we did alot was talk on the phone, which is not good. Like I said, it's very hard for someone to like me and pay all this attention to me, and then now its gone. No explanation, no nothing. There's absolutely no closure to this at all. As you can see, I'm really having a hard time with this. I had a hard time the first time we stopped talking in 2003, and now it's even worse than ever. I know what you are saying, there's nothing I can do left anymore. But I will tell you, it's very hard to accept that. I'm thinking over and over of what I did, and I can't think of really anything at all. I just want a clear answer as to why she had told me 2 weeks ago, "she was confused but she wanted to be with me", and now nothing. Why go to all this trouble, blah blah blah, and split? There is no closure and that's why I'm sad. She won't tell me "no". She is leaving me hanging man. That's why I'm so confused and tore up.

[PocoDiablo]

My bad, I forgot all the details.

 

Yes, stuff like this can be confusing. But even if someone tells you something playfully, it can be the truth. I think it may just have been one of those things where it was not meant to work out. Usually I recommend guys never date someone who (1) has been a friend and (2) an ex. I personally believe that once a woman considers you a friend, you're done.

 

I think that when you were at the bar, if you had restrained yourself and not flirted, not played around, she would have come after you. Basically, we chase that which retreats from us. The problem is that she has been making this decision for a long time, and it just seems sudden to you.

 

Women, in my experience, will rarely tell you "No" but rather will give you excuses or hints. Leaving you hanging is an extreme hint that you missed something else she said or did. That's why I asked if you can think of anything else. Can you think back to when it first started going bad and any red flags then?

[mikey24]

The only red flag that maybe I can tell you is that I have a kid now. When we first dated in 03, I didn't have one. But after we stopped dating, we talked here and there, and I told her I had a son. So why is it that she called me in late October, wanted to meet me, and all this? Why did she come back? So it can't be that I have a kid, because she already knew it. And plus she babysits kids all the time and loves them to death. That's why I keep thinking that I was a "rebound". So I know I'm bugging you with this, and I'm very sorry, but I am one of those people that really analyze other people, and if I have a chance at something great with a woman, I'm going to try everything I can before I walk away. And of course the feelings I have for her are making me like this. She said she is still in love with her ex, but wanted to be with me. It doesn't make sense. So should I just pack my bags and just say "syrinora" and just move on or what? And what if she does call or text again? What do I do? I mean, think about it. What would you do if you liked a woman so much, she told you these things, and you get ignored? How would you cope with that?

[ShySoul]

She said she is still in love with her ex, but wanted to be with me. It doesn't make sense.

 

Makes a lot of sense. Girl told me the same thing pretty much. She wanted to be with me, but still had feelings for an ex. It happens a lot. When you like someone, those feelings just don't go away. They linger there. Her feelings still linger for him, not helped by the fact that they are pushed together so much and are around each other a lot. It makes it hard to "move on." When she thought she had something with you, he pops back up and all those feelings hit her again, confusing her. In my case the girl and I were just getting to the stage where we did realize we liked each other when he suddenly calls her and says he misses her and wants to get back together. Took her a month to figure things out, and ultimately she gave up on him.

 

And what if she does call or text again? What do I do? I mean, think about it. What would you do if you liked a woman so much, she told you these things, and you get ignored? How would you cope with that?

 

Same way I did. I first listened to see if she had a valid reason. I mean, if she was sick or visiting a relative and forget to say something, that is at least understandable. If I felt like it was done on purpose to ignore me, I would politely say how I feel. Not accusing her or being mean or anything, but just letting her know how I feel. I'd then go on and let things pick up where they left off.

 

I've known her for 2 years. I told her because she thinks I'm a player and a * * * *. Now when she tells me this, she tells me playfully, but deep down inside she really does feel that I am, and so I felt that if I said nothing about wanting to be with her, she would think I'm still a player

 

If its being done playfully, then how do you know she really feels that way inside? Has she said that to you before, being serious? Or is this more about you regretting past choices and bringing yourself down, projecting your feelings about yourself onto what she thinks of you?

 

And you were right in saying how you feel. Best to be honest about it, but not pushing her for something.

 

Like I said, it's very hard for someone to like me and pay all this attention to me, and then now its gone. No explanation, no nothing. There's absolutely no closure to this at all

 

The lack of knowing what is going on is killer. People do it because it is easier on them. If they don't have to face the situation, they can pretend there is no problem and everything is perfect. But if they have to confront it, then they are overwhelmed by their feelings. It could be that by not seeing you she is trying to spare her feelings, one way or the other. But that just leaves you hanging and hurts you. It's not the intent, its the unfortunate side affect. And given what you said about her personality, she doesn't want to face this. To face you would require her to make choices and open up, things she is not good at.

[PocoDiablo]

The only red flag that maybe I can tell you is that I have a kid now. When we first dated in 03, I didn't have one. But after we stopped dating, we talked here and there, and I told her I had a son. So why is it that she called me in late October, wanted to meet me, and all this? Why did she come back? So it can't be that I have a kid, because she already knew it.

Exactly. That's not it.

 

And plus she babysits kids all the time and loves them to death. That's why I keep thinking that I was a "rebound". So I know I'm bugging you with this, and I'm very sorry, but I am one of those people that really analyze other people, and if I have a chance at something great with a woman, I'm going to try everything I can before I walk away.

I think you are over-analyzing it, really. It's entertaining on an intellectual level to try and figure it out, but it may just be more simple than that...

 

And of course the feelings I have for her are making me like this.

Exactly. YOUR feelings, not hers.

 

She said she is still in love with her ex, but wanted to be with me. It doesn't make sense.

Break it down to the most simple level and it does. People are often not that complex. She is not with you, is she? Simple.

 

So should I just pack my bags and just say "syrinora" and just move on or what?

Well, I would. Now.

 

And what if she does call or text again? What do I do?

Honestly, as hard as it would be, I would ignore her.

 

I mean, think about it. What would you do if you liked a woman so much, she told you these things, and you get ignored? How would you cope with that?

I would have to bottom line it, recognize the reality of it - she did not like me. I cannot make her like me. It would be, in my opinion, dishonest to her and me to try and make something out of nothing, to try and make her like me. It would be fake, false, and I would be the one who lost out.

 

I truly believe there is a much better person out there for all of us when we make a break, but we will only see them when we are truly and honestly free of the shackles of our ex's. Only two years after I divorced did I really and truly say "I'm done. I hate women. I will never meet a woman who meets my standards, who is as wonderful as I want, and I don't care. I would rather be alone than with a woman who is not as great as I deserve." No more than 15 minutes later I met my current fiance.

 

Go figure.

 

I believe that, at times, there is a greater plan than we can ever hope to recognize, and the fates control it. So you just have to relax and let it go.

 

A great book that helped me get over my issues was, believe it or not, called "I kissed dating goodbye":

 

link removed

 

I don't necessarily believe everything he says, as he is devoutly religious, but I must admit ... it was an *excellent* book that helped me make major strides in my progress to get over my ex.

[mikey24]

Honestly, as hard as it would be, I would ignore her.

 

Well, I screwed that one up. I called her on New Year's Day at about 10:30 at night to wish her a Happy New Year on her voicemail. I was pretty tipsey at a party, but I really called because I wanted to put closure on it myself. I broke the NC, because it's just too hard. I said stuff like "I'm not sure why all of a sudden we're not talking anymore, and I'm not sure if you went back to your ex or you found someone, it doesn't really matter, I feel like I was a rebound or something. I wish that I wouldn't have started talking to you again, because I had a feeling this was going to happen, and that you knew I liked you alot. I just wish you would have told me something and put closure to this. I hope you made the right decision, and take care of yourself".

 

Well last night she called me and left a voicemail on my phone saying this:

"Hey its me, I got two questions..#1 How much did you have to drink before 11:00 last night, and #2 - I don't think its fair that your coming up with these assumptions. There was a few times I had called you after Christmas, and you didn't return my calls, and I didn't leave messages, but you know I really don't anyways. The voicemails you left me were very funny though repeatedly. So i guess call me back if you want, and if you don't want too, then I guess you don't have too. Bye"

 

She also called my friend last night and talked to him for awhile, getting some information and stuff about me. I called to put closure to it, and it may have not been the right move, but if I didn't do that, It seems like I would just mope around about her, and I really am tired of doing that. But then maybe I was right to do that, because I put her on the spot. But as you can tell, she will not let me go, and she keeps me hanging on. Why is she doing this? Where do I go from here? Help!

 

I would have to bottom line it, recognize the reality of it - she did not like me. I cannot make her like me. It would be, in my opinion, dishonest to her and me to try and make something out of nothing, to try and make her like me. It would be fake, false, and I would be the one who lost out.

 

Then why did she go to all this trouble? Why did she call me again and do this? For what? That's where I think I was used to get over her ex, but I don't know 100 percent. If I was a "rebound", I am surprised that she would go to me, because we had already dated. Why did she say she liked me, wanted me, etc.? But the main point of this post is, she will NOT let go of me. No matter what, she just won't say goodbye. Why?

[Shidoshi]

Here's my take.

 

It wasn't a good idea to call her and confront her over voicemail. I understand the emotion behind it, but as you can see from her response it wasn't going to get you what you wanted. In fact, because she made zero effort to contact you, you shouldn't have bothered calling her at all. She says she called you multiple times but never left a message because "she doesn't do that"? Riiiight.... Do you think somebody who really cares about you wouldn't leave a simple voicemail atleast letting you know they tried to call? The best closure would've been to move on without her.

 

Also, notice how she gets defensive and tries to make YOU feel guilty. This is classic behavior from a person who doesn't have the courage to tell you the truth (or atleast what they believe is the truth) and make a clean break. You even said that she has trouble talking about her feelings, which also indicates why she chose not to contact you, she was willing to simply disappear rather than tell you face-to-face (hell, not even over the phone).

 

People like this think they're sparing your feelings by not saying anything directly to you, they'd rather just stop talking/seeing you and vanish. Your voice message made her feel guilty/accountable so she fired back and tried to make it seem like your fault. This isn't really about her not letting go, it's YOU who will not let go. She was perfectly fine with not contacting you until you left that voicemail.

 

She's afraid to tell you why she's behaving this way, that's why she won't come out and say it (or she keeps giving you the "I'm confused" speech which cannot be argued by default). To help yourself, you need to stop chasing a direct rejection from her and look at her ACTIONS! There's no need to keep analyzing the things she says, what is she actually DOING? Her response to your message was pretty cold for someone who "won't let go".

 

Cut her loose and start talking to other women if you want to start feeling better about this. You are hung up on not hearing her say the words, but do you really need to? How long are you willing to devote yourself to someone who's "confused" (I also think the word is used often as a cop-out by people who want to have their cake and eat it too)?