Is it really over?

[healinginnyc81]

Hi guys, I've been posting a lot on this site over the last 3 weeks. I'm still in a depressed state.

 

I can see logically that my ex will never feel the same about me because I just had too many issues with depression and insecurity and that's what she'll always see. But we just seem so compatible in every aspect that I can't let go. I've been telling myself for 2 weeks now that it's over (it's been 3 weeks since the breakup) but I can't seem to actually "feel" that way. All I can remember is that for our first 1.5 to 2 years we got through so much together and we just had such a deep connection. I know that by the time I get over my issues she will have moved on (it will probably take me over a year to really learn to deal with my tendency to depression). but several times a day I feel this longing to get back with her. I keep dreaming of scenarios where I'll be strong and she'll see it and want me back. I wake up every morning after less than 6 hours of sleep and think of how happy we were together.

 

I just want to know how long does it take most people here to really feel that they are over the ex? What can I do to convince myself that we are better off without each other? I've tried to list her faults and nothing I came up with had put any strain on the relationship.

 

The only thing is that we were so similar even in the fact that we have been through similar experiences of abandonment in our childhood and so we had similar tendencies to depression and fear of opening up to friends, insecurity, etc. Is it bad for two people like that to be together? I always thought it made it easier for us to understand each other and help each other out when we were down but over the last few months our communication had broken down so we weren't helping each other as much and that was part of the reason why I really started to be depressed all the time. But the communication had been great until those last few months.

 

I'm so confused and angry with the world. Let me know what you can make of this situation. I appreciate any advice.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

 

I just want to know how long does it take most people here to really feel that they are over the ex? What can I do to convince myself that we are better off without each other? I've tried to list her faults and nothing I came up with had put any strain on the relationship.

 

Let me tell you this.. TIME NEVER FAILED IN HEALING SOMEONE..

How long it will take ? It depends on the situation and the person.

 

 

The only thing is that we were so similar even in the fact that we have been through similar experiences of abandonment in our childhood and so we had similar tendencies to depression and fear of opening up to friends, insecurity, etc. Is it bad for two people like that to be together? I always thought it made it easier for us to understand each other and help each other out when we were down but over the last few months our communication had broken down so we weren't helping each other as much and that was part of the reason why I really started to be depressed all the time. But the communication had been great until those last few months.

 

Wow you had alot of common stuff here.. So what happened ? why did u break up ?

 

You just need to be realistic with yourself.. I know you like her so much and you cant imagine your life without her.. But thats what i believe.. I believe God or fate ( whatever you want to call it ) has reason in everything.. If things didnt work now, be sure that something better is coming to your way.. You just cant see it now but you need to keep moving..

 

How many people were in love with somone who thought that they couldnt live without and now they are happy with totally another person..

 

Try first to make things right between you and the girl you love.. Try your best.. If it just cant get better.. Then time will heal you man..

[pilot1ab]

hey bkj

We must be on the same wavelength, because I just posted something very similar. I am feeling many of the same things you are right now, except it been 2.5 months for me now. We had such a strong connection, and even though people say that when I heal and better myself, something even more wonderfull will come along. I just can't see or accept that though. She was everything I had been waiting for my entire life. People may even say that she couldn't be all that wonderfull, otherwise she would have never dumped you. Fact is she did dump me, and she was the most wonderfull person I could have ever asked for. I am sorry bkj, I don't have any advice for you, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. The world can be a very cruel place at times.

[healinginnyc81]

Yea, pilot1ab, I just read your other post and replied to it.

I'm just trying to believe everyone who says it will get better.

[PocoDiablo]

Time will heal, but so will education and change.

 

I've tried to list her faults and nothing I came up with had put any strain on the relationship.

Have you tried to list YOUR faults and what you could do to make yourself a better person in general? Personally, when I look back, I see all the mistakes I made and by learning and self-improving my subsequent relationships have reaped many benefits.

[healinginnyc81]

AlwaysNeedHelp, we broke up because I became depressed and insecure about my personality over the last few months we were together. I came to this mainly because over the course of the relationship I had stopped spending time with most of my friends and I wasn't making new ones. But we had always been there for each other until now. We have both gone through depression and stuff before and we always got each other through it.

 

This time was different because I think I was deeper in depression than before and I think I wasn't as nice to her or didn't make as much effort to talk to her and she just gave up trying to help me. So that's why our communication started to break down and then finally she decided we were just depressing each other and it wasn't worth it. She also started to have crushes on other guys she said. I know it's because I didn't work hard enough to take care of my depression and insecurity and so she started to turn elsewhere for her emotional needs like she started hanging out with friends a lot more and started going out a lot more.

 

It's really hard to move on because I know that she understands my problems and that if I would start seeing a counselor and really working on overcoming this depression, we could be so happy together. But she made it clear that she doesn't want us to be together. I know that for about 2 months she was debating whether or not to break up and during that time she was probably focusing more on my faults and finding reasons to not like me and that's probably why she says that we'll never be able to get back together.

 

pocodiablo, I haven't really needed to list my faults because they've been playing in my head all this time. All I keep thinking is "if only I would have worked on this or that", "If I had kept my independence, if I had made time for myself to treat my depression, if I hadn't gotten so caught up in work and worrying about stuff, if I had made more effort to communicate during those last few months where we weren't really communicating our feelings as well, and so on" I've been focusing as much as possible on working on my self esteem and on beating this depression and I'm at least seeing more clearly how I can work on it.

 

I'm sure once I heal that I will be better in future relationships, my dilemma is that I can't get past this idea that we are perfect for each other. I've lived in several states in the US and I've lived in a couple of places in India, I've met a lot of girls in my life and I've never ever had anyone that was even close to having this kind of connection with me or being this "right" for me. We have similar pasts and similar issues. We share the same philosophies on life and morality and spirituality, we're very openminded. We handle conflict in a calm and understanding way. We are both a little bit dorky and share a similar sense of humor, we do well in school but we're not that nerdy, we both tend to be very accepting of people and hang out with all different crowds rather than being clickish. We party sometimes but we also like to spend time alone, have similar tastes in music (very eclectic too), we love traveling and trying new things, our dates were great, the sex was great, I could go on and on.

I always thought if we did one of those matchmaking sites based on personality they would've hooked us up.

 

Has anyone had this experience and then moved on to find someone better? Has anyone had this and ended up back with their ex? I'm just reaching for something to get me onto either side of the fence - hoping to get her back or just letting it go.

It's just I've been letting go and convincing myself that it's completely over in my mind, but yet my dreams and my feelings refuse to let go.

[Jut]

Bkjsun

Have you ever thought of talking to a counseller or a therapist? It could be depression but it might not be as well. May be you are lacking some chemicals or stuff. What i am saying is it seems that the problem here which you stated is more or less related to ur depression.

Fro mwhat i see it looks like this was a relationship wherein two people who were looking for a savior for themselves ran into each other. It could be that she wanted someone strong since she had the same abandoned childhood, someone to take care of her etc, and since you faced a a tough childhood ,subconsciously you also wanted someone to "understand" you and 'love' you.

THe intial thing clicked but the layer beneath wanted a "provider", an emotioanal provider and since both of you were looking to each other this didnt work out. Generally women are more clear then men in what they want out of a relationship.

My advice to you would be to analyze your issues with someone and become strong (as your signature says), so that you can enjoy ur relationship with the next person in ur life, or may be this girl when she comes back.

[healinginnyc81]

Jut, you're right to say that we looked to each other for the emotional support that we had never had. I'm just wondering that since we both realized that we had this issue, does that necessarily mean we shouldn't have been together?

Can't two people working on the same thing help each other to work things out?

For instance, I feel that I have helped her to be less afraid to open herself to friendships. She helped me to realize when I was trying too hard to get my friends' approval.

Basically what I'm saying is that we were growing together until I was unable to cope with this issue because we're in college and so there's already all the stress of keeping up with school, part time job and organizations that we belong to and that basically kept me from really taking time to take care of myself and I couldn't expect her to take care of me when she has her own life to tend to.

Maybe you're right we just demanded too much of each other emotionally so we burned out.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

well its a good thing that you both help eachother.. But if you just want to be with her because you support eachother thats not a reason to be together..

 

You could help eachother thats fine, but you need to love eachother first.. Try your best to win her back.. I dont say running after her, but try to talk together and make things work..

 

If she seems not interested at all and that she just wants someone else with some qualities in her mind.. then you did your best.. Leave her alone.. Try to love youself.. At this point, the right person will come to you..

[healinginnyc81]

I know we didn't just rely on each other for support because towards the end of our first year together and through most of our second year together (when supposedly the "love chemicals" cool down) we were still very happy together and we spent time with other friends as well and we weren't so much depending on each other except for temporary comfort like when someone got a bad grade or something like that. We had so much fun on dates together too.

 

I can't ask her back right now because I've talked to her a week after the breakup and again 2 weeks after and both times she was really nice and seemed sad that we didn't work out but at the same time told me that she doesn't think we can be together. The first time I asked if she had any hope of us getting back together, the second time I didn't ask at all about us. She didn't tell me she was dating anyone but I know she's been going out to bars and flirting with guys so she may or may not be dating. I'm trying not to worry about that though because really it's a good thing - in my heart i feel she'll realize what we had if she gets into another relationship and they don't click like we did or she may find someone she really loves in which case I think it will make it easier for me to move on in the long run.

 

I'm just worried that I won't be able to get myself stronger and more confident if I don't let her go. I just don't know how to let her go. I'm also I guess looking for someone who's had some similar experience in the past to tell me how it went for them.

 

Mostly it helps to know people are taking time out of their day to read this and help me out. Thank you very much AlwaysNeedHelp, pilot1ab, pocodiablo, and Jut. It's good to know someone is listening. Now I need to listen to what everyone's telling me.

[PocoDiablo]

A lot going on here tonight!

 

finally she decided we were just depressing each other and it wasn't worth it. She also started to have crushes on other guys she said. I know it's because I didn't work hard enough to take care of my depression and insecurity and so she started to turn elsewhere for her emotional needs

I think this may be valuable for you to look at. Think about it from this perspective and see if there is any truth: Depressing each other talking abotut depressing stuff (what I often point out as a "therapy" relationship), then she crushes on other guys, and then she "turns elsewhere" for emotional needs.

 

I would say I agree with everything but the last point - I think you overemotional-ized her. I dunno about you, but I like to have fun with my GF, and talk serious with my therapist. I would never dump my bad days on my GF, I would avoid that and treat her as well as I can - even at my loss.

 

pocodiablo, I haven't really needed to list my faults ....

I only meant to list them in regards to identifying them and improving yourself. That's all.

 

I'm sure once I heal that I will be better in future relationships, my dilemma is that I can't get past this idea that we are perfect for each other. .... Has anyone had this experience and then moved on to find someone better?

Yes. Me. That is why I am giving you this advice.

 

Has anyone had this and ended up back with their ex?

No. Never. None of my 18+ GF's have I ever gone back to.

 

Jut, you're right to say that we looked to each other for the emotional support that we had never had. I'm just wondering that since we both realized that we had this issue, does that necessarily mean we shouldn't have been together?

While not directed at me, if I were to answer I would point out that therapy should not be a major factor in a loving relationship. In fact, it should be a red flag to some extent. If you are always "fixing" things, you are not enjoying things as much as you could.

 

Can't two people working on the same thing help each other to work things out?

For instance, I feel that I have helped her to be less afraid to open herself to friendships. She helped me to realize when I was trying too hard to get my friends' approval.

Of course, but also remember that if you are always focusing on negative, boring, depressing topics then the relationship may suffer.

 

we spent time with other friends as well and we weren't so much depending on each other except for temporary comfort like when someone got a bad grade or something like that. We had so much fun on dates together too.

This is excellent - this what the majority of your time should be - in my opinion 99% or more. Yes, 99%.

 

The first time I asked if she had any hope of us getting back together, the second time I didn't ask at all about us.

First time = bad. Don't ask. Second time = good. Give her space, let her decide. Although I don't think it will come back around.

 

I'm just worried that I won't be able to get myself stronger and more confident if I don't let her go. I just don't know how to let her go. I'm also I guess looking for someone who's had some similar experience in the past to tell me how it went for them.

It SUCKED. It took a long time, almost 6 months to get over her. If not for my friend Robert I would have been lost. Go out with friends, go to bars, and especially go out with single friends. Tell them what is up on a SMALL scale and then enjoy your time with them.

 

It'll be okay. You will find someone MUCH better. This is the way it seems to work. You learn ... then you move on ... then you apply what you learned to a better woman.

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks poco,

 

I see what you're saying and it's making sense. I did want to make clear though that I didn't treat her as a therapist. For 2 out of the 2.5 years we did keep things light and joke and flirt. When I got depressed, it was actually more that I didn't really talk much at all about anything. I had trouble being fun and enjoying myself.

 

But everything points to this relationship being over and not having any hope of working out. It took you almost 6 months you said, thanks for sharing that, at least I won't beat myself up now if I still get down about it a few months from now.

 

I'm going to do it. I'm making the commitment to accept that she's gone and move on with my life. I'm going to cry if I need to but then I'm going to go out and have fun with my friends. There will be a better girl for me, I have to realize that and I have to believe that.

 

Thanks everybody for your input. Have fun tomorrow!

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

I know its hard for you to let her go.. You feel that you cant find someone else.. If you have faith enought you will have someone else who cares for you...

 

You dont have to see the whole road from the beggining, sometimes you just need to keep going and you will find the answers appearing to you.. She said that she dont think you and her can be together again.. I feel sorry for that.. It doesnt mean the end of the world.. First, everyone can be happy on his OWN.. Second thing, is that dont let this get you down.. Accept what happened, you will relax your mind, body and you will get better.. believe that if you are meant to be together it will happen no matter how the situations are..

[healinginnyc81]

Thank you for the encouragement. Like you said, I need to accept the reality and work on being happy on my own. I feel like I'm so low right now but I'm starting to feel that motivating anger at being so helpless and I'm starting to feel more determined to not let this take the life out of me. I want to overcome this and learn to be happy myself.

Thank you again.

[moondog627]

Hang in there BK. I'm now goin on 5 months post breakup and I feel like I'm almost there. You won't just wake up one day and realize the pain is all gone. It just kind of fades away, without you even realizing it.

 

5 months ago I NEVER thought I'd be where I am now. I truly thought I was losing my soul mate. But in hindsight, I'm starting to realize we probably weren't meant for each other. This last bit is something that took a long time to accept and realize.

 

And no matter how good the relaionship was you can always learn something from it. I know when I'm ready for my next relaionship I'll be ten times better than before. And even then, I'm sure I won't have it down. It's all a learning process.

 

5 years ago a women absolutley crushed my heart, had me on the brink of suicide. But I pulled thru and moved on. And met someone better. I'm sure I'll meet someone even better than my current ex. Funny how just last night I was hanging out with my ex/ex (the one from 5 years ago). For years, I absolutely hated this woman for what she did to me. But now we're becoming good friends again. And I'm not even the slightest attracted to her anymore. In fact, I met someone new last night. Someone with potential.

 

There's so many people out there, so many you can be happy with. There may even come a day where you question the strength of the love you once held for your ex. One day this will all be just a memory. Even today it's hard for me to remember the extreme pain I was in only 5 months ago. How I could hardly stand up in the shower, or hardly eat, or enjoy any sort of pleasure in life. I know it happened, but it doesn't seem real.

 

And there will come a day, probably when you least expect it, when someone will completely blind-side you and make you believe in love again. You might not even be able to think about that now. I don't think I could at your stage. But keep marching forward. Feel the pain, move thru the pain. There is no going around it. The pain won't last forever though. Countless others have been in your shoes and come out victorious. You will be no exception.

[buba]

Bk, Moondog is so right! Great post. It took me a year and ,trust me, I thought I won't make it. I still miss "us", but I am in a different place right now. I am dating and enjoying it.

I know how brutal the first few months could be. I've been there and people on this forum helped me tremendously.

Please, hang in there, you will make it too, just give it time and you will see the light.

Happy New Year! My prayers are with you,please pm me if you want.

Hang in there,

Buba

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks moondog and buba, I needed to hear that. I can't see it now but hearing that others have been through it and are now better helps me to believe it will get better. I guess it's only been 3 weeks, I can't expect to be better already. It's frustrating but I'm going to believe it'll get better and try to put my life back together.