Should I end my 5 year marriage?

[sam2001177]

hi boys and girls Hope you can help me with this one as its getting me down?

 

I've never really looked at sites containing these kind of things before so please bear with me.

 

I've been married for 5 years now and i love my wife very much, and i know she loves me.

 

The last 6 months have been very up and down with either her or me not talking. We have 3 kids aged under 5 and they all sleep in our bed which means i have been on the couch for a while.

 

it has gotten to the point where today she broke down and looked completely broken. It was destroying for me to see the effect i have had on her and am coming to the realisation that i should leave in the interest of both of us.

 

I tried to console her while she was crying but it didnt seem to help. Maybe I should have listened when she said she wanted to be alone. I tried to tell her that I can work on the probem but the blanky said that it may not be enough and she wouldnt know if her feelings toward me would change.

 

I love her and my kids very much even tough i have a hard time showing it. Would it be so bad if I left? Do you think thats what she really wants.

 

When we spoke about it before she would say she had to consider all the facts before she could make a descision, but i told her then that the only descion she had was to decide if she loved me or not?

 

When she was crying today she said she had no energy to fight for the realationship and even if she did she didnt think it would help.

 

I think part of the problem is she thinks shes making me miserable and that we are totally incompatible. Even though she winds me up to no end that is completley not true( and i told her this too).

 

On top of all that I don't want her to think she should stay in this marriage for the sake of our children. I know it will be hard on us all but they are still young ( my eldest being 5 ) to be that upset.

 

I think the realsisation of todays events has caused to to consider deeply my effect on this marriage. It would kill me to give her a life of pain and regret and i wont allow that to happen.

 

Do you think it is in the best interest of my family that i should let her go?????

[Danny H]

I think you should have a very honest talk with her and make sure you listen without getting defensive.

 

Then maybe you'll both agree you need some time apart to work out what is best for you both.

 

I missed stage one and I think that is why I am in such a mess now

 

 

Best

 

Dan

[ariyadhana]

I don't think anyone here can or should try to answer what is in the best interest for your marriage and family.

 

Have you tried counselling? It seems like you should definitely make sure all avenues are exhausted before you make the decision to leave, if that is what you decide to do.

 

Also, it is just my opinion but I don't think your children should all be sleeping in your bed. I think that is fine once in awhile but I think when it is happening EVERY night it can seriously strain marital relations.

[Shadows Light]

No. Do not leave the marriage. You guys need a shot at it. 3 kids were not made in a vaccum. They were made in love.

 

She's tired. She's exhausted. 3 kids under the age of 5 take thier toll on a mother. I know.. I'm right there with you.

 

She needs and wants a parnter. She needs and wants her identity back. She's more than a Mother. She's more than a wife and lover. She's plain exhausted to know how to fix it...where to start... etc etc.

 

Have you thought about Counseling. For both of you. Pitching in the towel should be the LAST resort.

 

1st of all.. you are both more than MOM & DAD. You started on this journey for a reason. You need to reconnect and find those people you were 5 years ago.

 

The kids... need to find thier own beds. The two of you need to be able to connect..and comfort each other, even if its only to reach for each other in your sleep.

 

You need alone time. Get a babysitter. Start dating again. Get that calendar out and carve a date out. Even if its to get away for a cup of coffee.. alone .. the two of you.

 

She needs alone time. She needs to have time for herself. And that doesn't mean you take the kids and leave her at home, so she has time to catch up on house work.

 

Household. Is there a fair and equitable split in division of labor. With kids.. the laundry is NEVER done. The house is Never clean. They take over your lives, your home, your space.. till there is just never enough time, energy or room for anything but them.

 

Yes.... your kids need mom and Dad. But your kids also need a mom and dad who love each other..and are partnering.

 

No... do not make any hastey decisions and leave. 3 small kids under the age of 5... she'll falter. Its too hard. And if there is no abuse going on. No addictions. Then.... this is VERY much worth saving.

[Shadows Light]

ohhh... I almost forgot. WELCOME TO ENOTALONE. Get yourself a cup of coffe, pull up a chair and enjoy. Post as much as you like. Read other peoples stories. You may find your answer in someone elses posts.

[avman]

I'm a little confused. You mention that you both love each other very much. So what is the issue (or issues) that are causing you to feel that you should leave? Having 3 kids under five years old would be exhausting to even the strongest couple. Perhaps that is contributing to the strain on your marriage?

 

If you want to save it, and she is open to it - then I do think counseling would benefit you both. Figure out what is contributing to the problem and then work on it together. If you both love each other and want it to work, then together you can overcome any obstacle.

[Relationship Coach]

Sam,

Shadows is right on the mark here, counseling is in order. The age of your children is irrelevant, this is a decision that will changes their lives forever. They need to be in their own beds, if they have them.

 

I've been married for 5 years now and i love my wife very much, and i know she loves me.

 

 

I tried to console her while she was crying but it didnt seem to help. Maybe I should have listened when she said she wanted to be alone. I tried to tell her that I can work on the probem but the blanky said that it may not be enough and she wouldnt know if her feelings toward me would change.

 

 

When we spoke about it before she would say she had to consider all the facts before she could make a descision, but i told her then that the only descion she had was to decide if she loved me or not?

 

 

I am usually very good about reading between the lines but I have to admit, I'm a little in the dark here. Either there is something you are not telling us or something your wife is not telling you. What are all of the facts?

 

Many of us here are parents and have had to deal with the transition from being a couple to being parents. It's not easy and it can create feelings of neglect and lack of intimacy between the two of you. By not setting aside time for each other, distance can develop and that needs to be dealt with. Baby sitters, friends or family may be able to spare you a few hours here and there to help maintain a healthy relationship. Your lack of communication has not helped the situation, communication is the foundation of a marriage, along with trust, respect and honesty.

 

I can't help but to think there is something more going on here.

 

You married this woman and made a commitment to each other, unless there is infidelity or abuse going on, I really believe in trying to repair and restore the marriage and passion. Can two people just grow apart, yes but that does not happen over night. The fact that this has been a strained relationship for the past 6 months tells me there is a chance to save the marriage.

[Danny H]

lots of great replies there, good luck my friend

 

dan

[Tigris]

It sounds to me like your wife is suffering from depression. Is this post natal depression? Is she on medication for depression?

 

I agree with the others that you both need to see a counsellor.

 

Finally, it is EXTEREMELY IMPORTANT that you get the 3 children out of your bed! Put them in another bedroom in a double bed together. That should make it a lot easier for them to accept. They are used to feeling each other beside them. If you try and separate them then you'll have problems because it will be too much of a shock.

 

My sister and brother-in-law let their 2 children sleep with them. They've gone from 4 people in a bed to Mother and daughter (6) in one and Father and son (nearly 9) in another. I told her they should've been sharing a double bed years ago! Our parents had us in one room and my 2 younger sisters in a double bed. It worked perfectly.

 

I hope everything gets better for you soon.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Relationship Coach]

So say two people make each other unhappy. They're not attracted to each other (or one isn't), they get on each other nerves and they don't share common viewpoints on things. There's no infidelity or abuse---so they should stay together???

 

Why would they get married?

[Bethany]

Arrange a babysitter for the night, take her for a dinner, have a few drinks to ease up the tongue but not so many you might say things you both regret and start talking.

You need to talk and talk some more as good communication is the key to all good marriages.Truly Listen to what she needs and why she doesn't feel the strength to fight anymore and not just hear her words as you may be surprised in what she has to say and then you also speak your piece and tell her how you feel.

 

Also..Take control of the kids at bedtime and YOU put them to bed and keep putting them back to bed until they learn that no matter how much of a scene they make, they have beds of their own and make sure they sleep in them every night from now on.

It will be for the long term good for all of you, and despite how difficult at the beginning it should be seen through with, if you do this you should be back in your bed within a few weeks. It may take some doing but it's just another night trapped for her and another resentful night alone for you. I wish you luck.

[Relationship Coach]

When it's the wrong reason, it's an excuse!

 

(1.) "The Pressure Excuse" He was weak because he was pressured in to it by his then GF and her family. He clearly didn't love her and was not ready for marriage, hence the cheating.

 

(2.) "The Wedding Trend" I thought people who thought like this died a long time ago drinking Jim Jones' Guiana Punch in 1978.

 

(3.) "The Homophobic Peer pressure Excuse" I think this was a plot to a movie or was it an episode of "Will and Grace"?

 

 

What you are doing is pointing out marriages that should of never happened. I can do that all day or just turn on tabloid TV or a country western station. Wrong reasons or excuses, this or that... People should get married because they are in love with each other and want to make a commitment before their god, family and friends. People should get married because they want to spend the rest of their lives together with that person.

 

We can play point/counter point all day over the excuses for failing marriages. It's very obvious that more and more are getting married every day for the wrong reason but that in itself is just an excuse.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes, I think getting married for the wrong reason, is not wrong at all. Take my parents, they got married even though my mother did not love my dad. My dad did love my mother. They have had their problems throughout the whole marriage, but they are still together. I know my mom doesnt love my dad per se, but they are together and they do still have feelings for each other.

 

Sometimes, I feel as thought getting married even though one is not right for one another, is not a bad thing. A lot of times, humans go through life being alone and people are scared and unhappy when they are alone. People try to attach to others and form a bond with someone else to avoid being alone. I guess most people dont want to be alone. I know I dont. I know cheating is not a good thing and I would not want the guy I do marry, to be cheating on me. But, sometimes, would you rather have a guy who cheated every so often but came back to you, or would you rather be alone???

[Wimpy]

But, sometimes, would you rather have a guy who cheated every so often but came back to you, or would you rather be alone???

 

 

I'd rather be alone - no question about it. At least then I'd have my self-worth and pride.

[renaissancewoman101]

What I really was meaning had to do in the context of my own relationship. I liked the ex and I still like the ex, although we had nothing in common. He is a teenager in the body of a 32 year old. I am a somewhat mature adult. He and I like different things, etc. and I lost my feelings for him earlier this year so I started to treat him bad and not hang with him and leave him with his friends. In a way I guess I wanted him to dump me because, whenever he asked me if there was any future with our relationship, towards the end, I would say "I dont know". I kept on saying that and ignoring him and then he went and dumped me and found a new gf who is only 18. Now I am pissed as hell. I want him back and I know he is not compatible with me but I dont care. At least he loved me once and treated me like what a good bf should. He cared for me, was there for me, bought me gifts etc., yet I still got rid of him. I could kick myself in the butt for that. That is why I am so angry about things. I should have just acted like nothing was wrong and when he asked about our future, said "yes, I do see a future with you". Instead, I was a schmuck and let something that was good for me, slip out of my hands.