sexual abuse, violence, and now love (but yet I'm angry) WHY

[Silent-Scream]

I am almost 30 years of age and I am female. As a child I was sexually abused by my father. this went on for so many years. I have never reported it. My father is an extremely violent man. He was violent to my mother and I when I lived at home. He is still very violent to her now.

 

I got married at 24yrs to a man who I thought would just help me to get away from the situation I was in. I hated the sex that was required. It brought back terrible memories and on many occasions I would black out.

 

My father was very violent to my mother and on many occasions she would phone me and my husband and I would go up to try and help her. As my father had become physically weaker than me I was not as scared as I used to be, also, my husband was there to prevent any physical damage. It was not long after this that my husband became physically violent towards me. He said that it was because I had a spiteful streak and although he could control his temper he could not control me except by using 'methods' that I was used to. I suffered from many nightmares and was basically scared to sleep. My husband bought me sleeping tablets. I used them once and they had 'knocked me out' so much that I actually awoke to him having sex with me. He and I had got into quite a serious financial situation (debt). That was why I felt that I had to stay with him.

 

I eventually discovered the internet and started to get into the habit of chat rooms. I made several friends. I had always known from a very young age that I was gay. I had had several lesbian relationships before I had got married.

 

Marriage was a big mistake to my own identity and in a big way to my husband. At this point my mother had turned to alcohol. She said it was the only way in which she could cope. I told her so many times to leave my father and quit drinking. She said that she could not do that as the property and finance were far more important to her. My mother and I fell out. She does not know about the sexual abuse.

 

Anyway, when I used the lesbian chat rooms I met a girl who immediately understood me. We became very close and soon started telephoning each other very regularily. We met and it has been LOVE ever since. I told her all about my life, details which I had never told anyone before. She helped me to get the strength to leave my husband. I have done that. I feel great.

 

My girlfriend and I live a happy life and we truly are in love. That is such a big thing to me. I want to be in her life for ever. I would do anything for her. She is my world. So why am I writing in a forum that means I need help and advise? Well, throughout my life I have been verbally 'knocked' by everyone except my girlfriend. She is the only person in my life that has never hurt me, she praises me, gives me confidence, loves me, makes me like myself sometimes. BUT I am a bastard! I still feel that I always have to defend myself. I feel dirty and not good enough for her. I can cause a horrific argument out of nothing. I tell her that i love her but that she is too good for me so thereforeeeeee it is my responsibilty to leave her. I upset her because she wants me to believe that she truly loves me. She wants me to believe that she wants to be with me for the rest of OUR lives. I want to believe it but I keep thinking why? Why would she want someone like me? Someone who is so nasty to defend against problems that aren't there. Am I just so used to defending myself that I know nothing more than that?

 

I don't want to see a counsellor. I'm scared of memories that may come back. Memories that I have actually manged to hide. I certainly haven't dealt with them. I can't. I don't know how to. Maybe my fault is thinking they are ok when hidden. I need to stop being argumentative with her. I love her so much. I crave her when we are apart even for a few hours. She makes me laugh, I mean really laugh. When she is nice to me I cry sometimes. It's a kindness that I am not used to. We sleep together at night. I haven't had a nightmare for ages. She makes me so safe. I need help. I need advice. I do not want to lose her. When I argue my head shouts STOP at me. Yet I have to hurt her and myself until I break. Thing is I am breaking her.

 

How can I stop hurting the one and only person that I love. Am I like my father? Am I like my mother? He is aggressive and so am I. Only difference is that I do not get violent. Am I like my argumentative mother. She drinks and that encourages her verbally aggressive behaviour. I don't drink but maybe that verbal manner has been drummed into me. Maybe I feel sorry for myself. Maybe I am immature and need to grow up. Maybe I need to totally forget the past and concentrate on a future with my sweetheart. How can I suddenly start to become optimistic when I have always been the opposite?

 

I have never looked forward to anything but this year my girlfriend gave me the most amazing birthday. It was just the two of us. She cooked for me. It was the best day of my life. I'm looking forward to my next birthday. I think that I'm even looking forward to Christmas now. I love my girlfriend so much and I want US to work forever. I have had enough of my life interfering with OUR life. She is my priority and I need to know how to move on rather than keep moving backwards. If any of you can offer me some advice I would appreciate it. Thanks for reading..

[keleah]

you got one short life make it count. It sucks your mom doesn't know about her husband abusing you. I'm sure you did that to protect her. The biggest problem in your ife is your dad, your moms husband. You should never have to lay your eyes on him again. He's started all this mess. He'll never know it, but if you can realize it, then maybe one day, you'll be able to live a normal life that you deserve. Young people hold in painful secrets and when it's to protect their mom, that takes a lot out of a kid. Now your grown and your past subconsciously torments your well being now. It's not fair, but , maybe if you disown your dad you can live again. and be the person you really are.

[kdreger]

Your feelings of having a low self-worth are based on the fact you were abused as a child. A person's childhood has a huge effect on their adult personality. Since you haven't experienced a healthy love until now, you have a problem being in a relationship where there is a healthy love. Don't be so hard on yourself, your argumentative aggressive personality is what you created to protect yourself in the bad times (defensive mechanism).

 

The problem is that you have had this defensive mechanism so long you don't know how to let it go. You need to change the foundation of your being if you want this love with your woman to last. I'm sorry but counselling is important for that. You can't hide from your past. It is having a negative effect on your present. If you are ever to overcome your pain and be reborn into someone who can accept healthy unconditional love you need to face your past and make peace with it.

 

Once you go to counselling you will understand. Don't fear counselling either. They will help you face your past at a speed that is comfortable for you and support you through each step. As well, you have a loving partner, include her if you need that extra support.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[jimbucktwo1776]

I was about one third of the way through your post and couldn't read anymore. The answer is get professional help. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.

 

There are issues here from your childhood that you NEED to deal with-this is so clear having only read the first couple paragraphs.

 

Taking advice other than this on something this detailed would be a mistake. Your perception is off- you can not make the judgements on what you should do-and what your options are-without the assistance of someone who has the experience to help you.

 

Your perception being off is not your fault, it happens. What I mean by your perception is the way you view your life, you situation. Perception gets screwed up when things happen in your life, it colors the glass you look through...and looking through glass that is discolored, you can't adjust your life-to make it right-because everything you see appears different than it really is.

 

You need unbiased-objective-professional help. This is not bad, and can help you very much.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

Jimbucktwo1776

 

 

That's that.

[bhaktini]

I feel for all the trauma you've endured...and you've endured more than most.

 

I know you say you don't want to go to a counselor, because you are afraid of all the memories it will dredge up. I was in a physically abusive relationship for 3 years and I started seeing a counselor, but I became afraid of delving right into it, even though I want to purge the traumas and go through what I have to, in order to get on with my life. But I still didn't feel ready to go "head first". I felt like I would crumble and fall apart. My counselor was very wise and reassured me and said that we would take "baby steps". And we have. And it hasn't been scary or draining or life-shattering, like I thought it would be. Counseling can be very frightening, dredging up the past. But if you do not do something to actively address the survival habits you learned, you will continue to do them and ultimately destroy this really loving and healing relationship. I would say look around for a good counselor, not just any counselor, but one who is specialized in dealing with sexual and physical childhood abuse issues, and who is patient and wise and willing to work in "baby steps" with you. My prayers are with you. Good luck.

[Elf_Girl_87]

you must stay with your girlfriend.

at all costs,

 

i got a slight resembelence to 1st few years, never leave her,

u love her she loves u, stay

(i know im half ur age n all, but plz, ur lives together r worth it)

[jayrosa]

I know how you feel and believe me I was there! But even professional help is not going to help you 100% ....it'll only come back to haunt you again and again. There are forces in this universe that want to hurt us badly. They use people like your father to accomplish making your life miserable and suicidal. I know the rage inside of you and the feeling that nobody can ever know what it's like to be you! I was there.... but I'm not afraid anymore of facing my past in fact it's the way I can tell people like you that there is an answer to any problem in the world. I also thought I was bisexual because of the abuse in my life. It isn't so... we feel that way because the women is a nurturing being by instinct ...your girlfriend is the best thing you have because you found in her all of the nuturing you needed and never had. A man can't do that... it's not his instinct to be that way most of the time, (not saying that there aren't men in this world that are nuturing, there are.) ...I guess what I'm trying to say is that my search for a father figure lead me to distruction because no man could play that role in my life. ...And then, thanks to a man that introduced me to a wonderful person my life changed in such a way that I could never discribe.... he told me about Jesus Christ ... a man that went through all the hardship that a person goes through to prove to humanity a love that conquers all. A true love ....the love that God has for us and is willing to give to all that receive it! HE'S REAL! In my life and in the lives of a lot of hurting people all over the world.... He's there for you ......just ask Him to come into your life and accept His will in your life and He will make you truly happy because He understands, He was also there (read it in your bible in the book of Matthew (and Mark and Luke and John).....I used to trust in men and women to give me the happiness that I needed.... we are only human and nobody will ever be 100% faithful ...trust me ...in one way or another they will let you down, we are only human with flaws and mistakes ...BUT JESUS LOVES YOU AND WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN! Receive Him Now! Don't lose anymore time.... do it NOW before it's too late! GOD BLESS YOU!

-Jayrosa

[Gracelove]

You should definitely see a counselor.

 

Tell your girlfriend of your feelings and fears. Tell her that you don't want to hurt her.

 

If you begin feeling insecure or like you might start an argument, leave, remove yourself.

 

You need another outlet, an objective opinion, which is why you need a counselor.

 

You can love your girlfriend, and express your fears to your counselor.

 

Your main objective should be your healing, and to refrain from hurting those you love.

 

Even though you've "fallen out" with your mother. You should send her a note or something just to let her know that you love her. She is struggling as well. It would probably be a little easier for her if she felt she had support, someone to rely on no matter what.

 

You are her child so she probably feels like she should be protecting you as opposed to leaning on you for help.

 

What will she do if she leaves him? She's certain of what will happen if she stays with your father. But she doesn't know what will happen if she leaves him. She is probably afraid things will go from bad to worse.

 

Where would she stay? I'm sure she wouldn't want to impose on you and your girlfriend.

 

She needs emotional, and financial support.

 

She probably doesn't know where to find the help she would need.

 

If your father is violent, he may have threatened to harm her, or even worse, you. Your mother would definitely stay in the relationship if she thought it was the only way to protect you. She loves you and needs to know you are safe.

 

She certainly isn't getting love from her husband. Let her know that you love her. She probably really needs to know that.

 

You have been blessed enough to find a healthy relationship, but your mother hasn't. I'm sure she really needs you in her life.

 

Your relationship with your girlfriend sounds wonderful, don't let things from your past ruin it. Don't harm her. If you need to have time apart from her for a little while, then do that. Don't allow that past to damage her.

 

You have been damaged, but you are still a beautiful person inside. You still have a beautiful future ahead of you. Don't be ashamed to seek help. There is nothing wrong with it. YOu need to get the poison out of your system. Let the memories flow. It's better than holding that hurt and pain within. If you hold it in it will ultimately destroy you. It's a process. Don't be discouraged, k. Everything will be okay.

[sparticuss]

Thats pretty accurratte Jimbuck.

 

I keep thinking that a mechanic doesn't get handed a truck load of old parts and get told "cars broke! you fix"

 

But counsellers regularly get handed totally desroyed relatinships and get told "you fix" Doesn't work!

 

I can see the cycle she's in so well. I've seen it often enough before. But I can't discuss it without offending somebody and causing complaints. Pity really.

[moothecat]

WOW!!! I started reading your story and I understood how you feel...I got married to a wonderful man last year but it was a very difficult decision for me to make....I always feel as if I am not good enough for him that he deserves so much better than I can give him...but reading your story made me realize that you are good enough for your girlfriend and she is so lucky to have someone as strong as you in her life...so maybe I am good enough for my husband....THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping realize this...

[strongerthanever]

First off, you are a special person and you are worthy of love. You must allow that to absorb into your soul. All the awful in your past...it's gone. You were not responsible for what others did. Your life from today forward is in your control. You have a wonderful understanding, caring, gentle person in your life now, who loves you and whom you love. And you deserve to have this, you are worthy of these feelings that are being showered over you. Our pasts, regardless of how awful they may have been, have made us into the people we now are, good and bad. You are stronger than you think. You can, and hopefully will, rise above all the awful and allow all the good in front of you to wash the other away. Remember, you get to start over every minute, any time. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE!!!!