LD and 3rd chance, desperate, need help

[Cuppedia]

Hello, I came here about a year ago for a problem I had getting over my ex boyfriend's past but I lost the password to my account so I'll explain the problem from the beginning, sorry it's long.

 

I had a long distance relationship with a him in our late teens, it lasted 3 years until I decided it was too difficult for me and I ended it.

I didn't hear from my ex in 4 years, I did contact him but he was in a relationship and didn't answer back.

When his relationship ended he contacted me, we talked, things worked again (as much as they could considering we live an ocean away) and we agreed on taking things slowly, my doubts are basically that I still remember what happened when we weren't together and I'm still not sure I'll be able to overcome it, so I wanted to give it time before planning on moving to his country or anything permanent like that.

 

But, after I went to visit him and things went well it seems we need to wait 1 year and a half until he sorts his financial problems before we can consider being together for more than a few weeks in a row, I am very angry, some debts are from trips and objects from his past relationship, he moved in with her just 5 months after we had broken up, why am I seen as I can wait?. I could get a job and move there but I feel that would be me doing everything.

 

To make matters worse there's a guy that I met just before my ex appeared the second time, I am very attracted to him, I left him as a friend when I decided to try things with my ex, now I feel I want to be single to give this guy a chance, even if I'm almost sure it won't work.

 

I feel I'm being evil, I hurt him a lot in the past and I really wanted to do this right, I don't want to mess him up, I just don't want to spend one year only seeing my ex for 2 months in that time (like this year) and seeing this is not moving forward, I don't want to get married just for the sake of it, but I think this is like being "on hold".

I do love my boyfriend, but I'm not happy and cannot think of any solutions, I know if we end he'll again say he'll wait for me and again will be in a relationship in no time, it's win or lose, that's fine as I don't want to keep him there when things don't work, I just don't know what to do, we had plans of working together, it's too difficult to handle and end and he has mentioned he would be emotionally devastated if it happened.

 

What am I supposed to do?.

[DN]

It seems to me that you are jealous that he has debts from his previous relationship - if it were from something else would you be more understanding? If this other guy were not a fall-back would that make a difference?

 

Bottom line is - do you love him or not? If you do then waiting a year would be hard but worth the sacrifice. And you 'doing all the work' seems to me to be a bit of a cop-out. If you don't love him enough, let him go now before you hurt him even more than he has been by you already.

[Cuppedia]

Thanks for the reply, answering to the questions, some are things I have asked myself, so, if debts were of other kind yes I might be more understanding, but seeing he got tons of them just for moving with this girl makes me feel neglected, it's bad I know, feeling angry that he's not willing to get in debt for me...

 

And if there was a new guy or not makes no difference, just adds to the confusion...; I'm not happy with waiting a year and a half, it'll be 7 years since this started, and it's in the same place for different reasons.

 

But yes, I know what you are saying and I know it's a jealousy problem, maybe more than a love problem but I don't know how to control my feelings.

[DN]

Don't forget that it's not just getting into the same debt for you as for his ex - but it would be adding to his debt load. That is a different thing altogether,

[Cuppedia]

You are very very right.

 

I guess I'm just completely out of place.

[DN]

Out of place? I don't understand what you mean by that.

[Cuppedia]

Sorry, I meant that I'm out of place in feeling bad and jealous, I guess I'm being very irrational, it narrows down to me feeling very confused.

That's all I was trying to say.